"Weren't even gonna tell me you were leaving, eh?" Rick asked, causing Alexis to look behind her.
She'd been packed and standing outside under the porch of the hospital, waiting for Lilian to arrive and pick her up when Rick showed up. She wouldn't admit it, but she had been avoiding him. She fiddled with the tassles on her sweatshirt and sighed. "I didn't wanna make it harder than it already is," she said quietly, "it hurts too much as it stands, I didn't wanna drag that pain out." "Wouldn't have to be a forever goodbye," Rick said. "It does if you're not gonna get clean too," Alexis said, chewing her lip, trying not to cry. She had never felt this strongly for another person before, and it hurt so much inside to say goodbye at all, especially to someone who theoretically could change for the better but was actively choosing not to. Not even for her, but just for himself. She felt bad for him. Rick walked towards her and stood by her, both of them looking out at the cobblestone driveway, watching as the rain poured. Rick lit a cigarette and took a puff, then gave it to her, and she took a few herself. "I don't blame you, you know, I'm not angry at you at all. I admire you for setting limits, boundaries, it's responsible, it's what I wish I could be," Rick said, looking down at his shoes, adding, "you got clean, and you're determined to stay that way, and you have every right to not want someone in your life who isn't going to abide by those same wishes." "I do want you in my life, that's the fucked up part," Alex said, her voice shaky like she was about to cry; she continued, "I want you in my life so badly, but not at the expense of my health. I've already damaged myself enough, hurt those around just by accident of what I do, and I can't go back there. I will never judge you for what you choose to do, we all do what works for us, but I also can't have it around me anymore." Rick nodded, smirking. "I love you," Rick said, wiping his arms on his sleeve, and Alexis wanted to bawl; Rick exhaled and went on, "I...I really do love you. I hope you know that and remember it when you're gone and feel lonely, and not in any way that makes you feel guilty for your decisions, but just in a way that gives you comfort of knowing that someone does love you, even if it's someone you can't be with." Alexis turned and looked at him, as Rick turned to face her too. She reached out and put a hand on his face, stroking gently, before leaning on her tip toes and kissing him. As the kiss ended, Lilian pulled up and honked the horn. Alexis looked at the car, then back at Rick, and handed him back his cigarette, but he politely declined. "Keep it," he said, laughing, "that way I'll always kinda be with you." "I'm so sorry," Alexis whispered. "You have nothing to be sorry for," Rick said, "just stay better than me, please." Alexis nodded as he kissed her forehead, then exstinguished the cigarette and tucked it into her sweatshirt pocket and picked up her bags. She walked to the car as Lilian opened the trunk from the inside, and tossed her bags within it before climbing into the passenger seat. As they pulled away, Alexis looked back at Rick, standing there on the porch, watching her go, and she could feel her heart actively breaking. Once out of view, Alexis pulled the cigarette from her sweatshirt and tucked it behind her ear. "You okay, babe?" Lilian asked, and Alexis nodded slowly. "I think I will be, yeah," Alexis said, and for the first time in her life...she felt like she meant it. *** Vera had called everyone the night before and established that she wanted to throw a little get together at a small local restaurant. She invited John, Miranda, Tyler, Rina, Lilian, Maddie and Alexis. She knew Alexis was getting out today, so that made it a double celebration of sorts. But her real motives, of course, far more cloudy. Tyler was already there, but nobody else had shown up just yet. They'd already ordered enough food for everyone, and had set aside a small space in the back of the restaurant for their party, but Vera was pacing, nervous as always. What if nobody else showed up? Her leadership hadn't been exactly the best. She wouldn't be at all surprised if nobody else came because they hated how she ran things, how she'd acted towards Alexis, and she had absolutely no reasoning to explain it other than "yeah, I messed up", which is something but often not enough. She groaned and sat down at the table, pushing her face in her hands. Tyler sat down across from her a few seconds later, and she looked up at him. "You seem...what's the word...scared shitless," Tyler said, making her smirk. "I'm just nervous," Vera replied, "I hope I didn't scare everyone away, I hope I made the right decisions, I hope...I just hope I'm not an outsider now. This company has been my life, and...and it's been nice, but...I kind of want a different life. But that doesn't mean I want different friends. You guys are the best friends I've ever had." Tyler smiled and reached out, taking Vera's hand in his and kissing it gently. "It'll be fine, you need to just learn not to expect the worst," Tyler said. But that, as they all knew, had become so hard. The worst had been happening so regularly that it felt like to not expect it was idiotic at this point. Vera sighed and nodded, taking in his advice, but still retaining her cautiousness. A few seconds later, John came in through the backdoor and approached the table. "What's with all the extra security?" he asked, "It isn't like we're guarding the president." Vera smiled and laughed. Maybe Tyler was right. Maybe she did worry too much. Shortly behind him was Miranda and Maddie, both of whom hugged Vera the moment they saw her. John excused himself to go speak with Tyler, as the girls caught up. Vera couldn't help but notice that Lilian and Alexis weren't here yet, nor was Rina. But she tried to have hope. As she concentrated on those who had arrived, she tried to be hopeful that those she wanted most would also soon grace them with their presence. And they would...Lilian and Alexis would show up. Lilian just had one thing to do first. *** "This is your mom's house?" Alexis asked as they sat in the parked car in the driveway. Lilian nodded. It had been a while since she and Maddie had come to see her mother, and in all honesty, she was feeling somewhat nervous about this, but she felt like it was time. Time to finally face down her fears, in regards to her parental upbringing. Alexis put some nicotine gum in her mouth and chewed as she asked, "what're we doing here?" "I need to speak to her for a minute," Lilian said, "sorry to kidnap you for this but, ya know, you were on the way here and then after this we're going to the thing Vera set up, so it was just...it was easier to do it all in one straight line, you know?" Lilian opened her car door and stepped out into the soft drizzle of the rain, Alexis doing the same. "You don't have to come in with me, you can stay in the car," Lilian said. "What am I, your dog?" Alexis replied. Together the two walked up the driveway and towards the porch. As they stopped before the front door, Alexis looked at Lilian, who then reached out and knocked gently. A moment of silence as they waited for the door to be answered. Alexis popped more gum in her mouth then stuffed the packet back into her sweatshirt pocket. "I had a boyfriend in rehab," Alexis said. "That sounds like the name of a tell-all biography," Lilian remarked, the both of them chuckling; Lilian then added, "...you don't anymore?" "He wasn't ready to be sober," Alexis whispered, "and it...it kinda hurt, cause for the first time I actually really liked somebody, but...but I didn't wanna be the one to push him to do something he wasn't ready to do, regardless of if it could help him or not, and so I ended things. But fuck man, it hurt. It hurt more than anything has hurt in a long, long time. But that pain...that pain also made me realize how real it is, and how dulled my sense were when I was on drugs. I could never feel that level of sadness then. Now I can, and...and I'm kinda happy about it, even if it's because of something so sad." Lilian smiled and put her hand on Alexis's shoulder. "I'm so proud of you," Lilian said softly, "I would be your friend regardless, I defended you to Vera time and time again, but I'm proud to see you do what you wanna do in order to be healthier. That's really great. I won't ever say it's inspiring, because that's insulting to the way you lived before, which also worked for you then. But I will say it's nice to watch you grow and change. Makes me wanna try and do better too." Alexis turned and hugged Lilian, who happily patted her on the back. She'd never openly admit it, but she'd missed Lilian the most of everyone while she was in the hospice. As the hug broke and they pulled away, the front door opened and there stood Lilian's mother, Jane. At first she looked surprised, but that quickly changed to looking happy, as she stepped aside and invited the girls indoors. Once in the living room, Lilian turned to look at her mother. "I didn't even get a call, you don't usually just drop by," Jane said, laughing. "...I came here cause I needed to say something," Lilian said, "...I forgive you." *** "So what's this whole thing about anyway?" John asked, standing near the bar with Vera as she drank and he watched, a little jealous, wanting to participate but knowing his boundaries. Vera exhaled and shook her head. "I sold the company," Vera said, very matter of factly, "and the woman who bought it is...she's great. We're really in great hands. I have absolutely no doubts." "Wow, that's big news," John said, "...you gonna join the ranks then? Pick a character? Go to parties?" "I think so, yeah. I wanna be in on the fun," Vera said, "I've spent so much of my adult life behind a desk, and I enjoyed it up to a certain point, but now I feel like I want to finally participate in the action for a change. I wanna have some goddamned fun for a change and not be seen as the mean lady in charge." John smirked, nodding. He could understand that, and she was right. She'd led the company through some troubled times and it was about time she was allowed to have some fun of her own for a change. He contemplated momentarily asking her what character she would pick, but he didn't want to pry or put any pressure on her, so he let it go. Then, something hit him in the face that nobody had considered. "What about Maddie?" he asked, "...no actual boss is going to allow a kid to work for us. That's child labor. She's going to be devestated." Vera stared at the floor. That hadn't even occurred to her. She'd spent so much time insisting that Alexis get to keep her job, that nothing be changed, that Maddie her totally slipped her mind. Vera groaned and ran her free hand over her face. Fuck. Now what would she tell them? She knew being a part of this was very important to Maddie, and she didn't want to crush her spirits. She'd already lost so much lately. Vera looked towards John, who just grimaced and shrugged, devoid of any suggestions himself. "I'm so fucked," Vera muttered. "You so are," John replied. *** "You...forgive me?" Jane asked, half laughing, half confused, "Forgive me for what, exactly?" "For pushing me to do beauty pageants," Lilian said, "...I...I know you don't need my forgiveness, but-" "Actually, I do, you're very wrong," Jane said, surprising Lilian; Jane shook her head, sighing, as she continued, "I am so angry with myself for what I did to your childhood. I made you do what I wanted, made you believe it mattered, because it was something my mother instilled into me, made me believe was important. I'm so sorry Lily. I know I wasn't abusive and I did my best to take care of you, but I still screwed up and I've always wanted to be forgiven for that." "Mom, it's okay," Lilian said, approaching Jane and holding her hands, smiling warmly, "because...because honestly, as terrible as it was, it made me who I am today, and you know what? I LIKE who I am. In fact, I LOVE who I am. Now that's not an acknowledgement that you have to endure awful things to have growth, or to...to appreciate ones self, or become who you should be, but...I am who I am because of you and the choices you made, and even if they hurt, I'm me because of them, so you didn't do all wrong. But I do forgive you for what you did. This last year or so, being with Maddie and watching her family literally eat itself to death...it's made me realize how important it is to me that you're in my life in a positive capacity." Jane wanted to cry. She knew she didn't deserve her daughters forgiveness, nor did her daughter have to forgive her, but she was choosing to, and Jane was so grateful for that. Watching from the safety of the couch, however, Alexis couldn't help but feel jealous and angry. She was happy for Lilian, sure, but why couldn't she ever have that sort of connection? With her parents, with anyone? She had John, she guessed, and Geena, but...she felt her fingertips touch the tip of the cigarette in her shirt pocket and wanted to cry. She wanted that with Rick. "I'm sorry I put you in danger," Jane said, rubbing her eyes on her sleeve, "those creeps at the show. No child deserves to be around anyone like that. I'm just glad I was so overprotective that nothing ever really came of it." "Yeah, I guess I was one of the luckier ones," Lilian replied, "but I think about all those other girls who weren't. The ones he did take advantage of, and..." Lilian glanced at Alexis, who knew full well what the situation was like, having been there that day when Lilian went to volunteer as a judge. Lilian exhaled and looked back from Alexis to her mother. "...I think I'm gonna talk to someone about it, someone official, someone who can do something about it," Lilian said, "after all, as a princess, it's my duty to ensure the safety of others. End the blight that threatens the land, and men like that are nothing short of a blight." "Are you sure you wanna do that?" Alexis asked, and Lilian nodded. "Yes. I know it'll be scary, but...fuck...someone has to do it." *** Vera was sitting on the outdoor patio area, drinking by herself, when she heard someone join her, and much to her surprise, it wasn't someone she expected, but was Helena instead. Helena lit a cigar and took a puff before offering it to Vera, who politely declined, chuckling. "Just a custom," Helena said, "in business, you celebrate with cigars. How you holding up? It must be a weird feeling." "It is," Vera said, "yeah, uh, it's very weird. I've been in control for so long, it's weird not to be. It's weird to not have to worry about anything anymore. I mean, I will, I do, because they're my friends, but you get what I mean. I can finally kind of focus on myself." Helena smiled, nodding. "Yeah," she said, "that's one of those things you lose sight of when you're involved in this kind of business, overseeing others. You stop caring about yourself because your focus and attention is pulled to so many other places. At least, if you're not a disgusting money hungry garbage person, which you clearly aren't. So it's good. Take some time, sort yourself out, take care of some stuff." "I think," Vera said, "...I think I wanna be fairy." "What?" Helena asked, half laughing, half confused. "For my costume, for parties," Vera said, "I want to be a fairy. Black people, we're always supposed to be seen as these ethereal perfect creatures, never making a mistake, but still unattached from the rest of humanity, never being recognized as living creatures. I think I wanna be a fairy." Helena nodded, putting a hand on Vera's shoulder. "Then you'll be a fairy," Helena said, and Vera blushed. She was happy with her choice, she had to admit. She'd sold the company to the right person, and she was proud of herself for that. He intuition about others had finally paid off in spades. Vera then exhaled, and took the cigar, taking a long puff before handing it back to Helena, who laughed at her. They both started laughing, and continuing to drink. Suddenly the door opened again, and they turned to see Lilian and Maddie standing there. "fuck," Vera whispered. "Fuck is right," Lilian said sternly. "I'm sorry," Vera said, "I...I didn't think about it, and-" "Of course you didn't. Nobody ever thinks about me," Maddie said, near tears, "...I thought you were different, but I guess not." Maddie turned and walked back inside. Vera sighed as she turned and looked back out over the patio railing, as Helena headed inside to comfort Maddie. Lilian approached the railing and leaned on it beside Vera. "Long day?" Lilian asked. "Long life." "Well, at least you're not alone," Lilian said, smiling, a hand on Vera's back, "don't worry about Maddie. She's upset, but we'll find a way to work around this." A moment passed as they watched cars drive by under the cool warmth of the streetlights. "Thanks for being here," Vera said. "The hell else am I gonna be?" Lilian said, "this is my home."
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The phrase "we need to talk" had never meant anything good, so understandably, when Miranda said this to Lilian that morning, it made her anxious. Now, sitting in the living room together after having dropped Maddie off at school, Lilian still couldn't get over her nerves. Miranda was sitting on the coffee table in front of Lilian, seated on the couch, and digging her nails into the knees of her pants. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Miranda exhaled and spoke.
"I've made a decision," she said, "and...and it might make life weird and difficult for a little bit." "...does it have to do with me? Us?" Lilian asked. "Kinda, yeah," Miranda said, tossing her hair back behind her, "I...I think I'm ready to go in for evaluations in regards to getting sex reassignment surgery." Lilian had to admit, that hadn't been what she was expecting. If anything, this was a relief. She started laughing, then apologized for laughing as she explained her nervousness. After a few minutes of solid, anxious relief laughter, Lilian leaned forward and put her hands on Miranda's legs. "If that's all this is about, then, hey, that's fine," Lilian said, "I was scared you were gonna leave me or something. But if you think you're ready, then-" "I didn't wanna be a cliche," Miranda said, interrupting her, "that's why I waited so long. It always feels like 'the surgery' is the biggest aspect, but I wanted to just...live for a little bit, you know? And even then, it won't be an immediate thing. I'll have to go through various medical checkups, some light therapy, it won't be walking in and getting it done that day. I just wanted you to know where my head was at because you're my partner and...and it's important that you know what I'm doing or planning to do." Lilian smiled and planted her lips on Miranda's forehead. "I'm behind you all the way, a hundred percent, you know that," Lilian said, "and whether you do go through with it or not, I'll love you and the way I see you will never change." Miranda wanted to cry. This was something that, for some reason, she was scared of telling Lilian about. She figured it would go this way, but a lifetime of doubt cast around her identity had always made her expect the worst. Miranda climbed onto the couch where Lilian was and snuggled up to her, laying her head on Lilian's chest. Lilian laughed lightly and ran her fingers through Miranda's hair. Neither had ever had a real relationship before, and yet it all came so surprisingly easily to them. Maybe that's what happens when you try your hardest not to become your parents. *** "Everything here looks in order," Helena said, sipping her latte as she shifted through the papers on the table. She and Vera had agreed to meet at a small cafe downtown, somewhere Vera was not used to holding business meetings, but Helena had agreed to pay for everything, and considering she was buying the company, how could Vera object to her meeting space of choice? Vera picked up her scone and bit into it cautiously, having rarely eaten scones before. "Can I ask you a question?" Helena asked, and Vera nodded. "Of course," she said, mouthful of pastry. "You say your best employee is also the one you've had the most trouble with. Now I've read through her file, and I do see she's in rehab, but why would you keep on someone who was so clearly a detriment? Who could so easily derail what you're doing and the overall rating your company had, via word of mouth, by disgruntled parents or clients or whomever? It just...it doesn't really make sense. I'm not judging your business decisions, by the way, I'm just curious." Vera chewed her scone for a bit, then set it down and sighed. "Uh," Vera said, "...I don't really have a reason. Alexis has been with the company longer than I have. In fact, she's one of the original employees left over from the people we worked for before I took over. I guess a sense of obligation, she'd put in so much time and effort, and in her defense she NEVER went to work high or drunk. It was all recreational. She and I have...had our differences, but...but she's good at what she does, and kids love her, and...and I would be a bad person to take away her income just because of something she does off company hours. If she isn't endangering anyone, then what's the harm, right? It took me a long, long time to come to accept this, by the way. I used to be pretty against her. But I guess I also see her abilities, and...and see her value, and what she brings to the company, brings to others via her participation in their events, and I know she has the potential, she's shown it. She doesn't deserve to lose her job because of a few mistakes she makes in her personal life." Vera surprised even herself with this acknowledgement. If Tyler had been present, he'd likely have kissed her for her change in heart towards Alexis. Vera sighed and shook her head, her braids swaying side to side. "Listen," Vera said, "I mean, she's in rehab, she's doing great, but the thing I've come to learn is that she doesn't deserve my respect just because she got sober. She deserved it the entire time, even at her lowest points, because she's a person, and a friend, and a good employee. I was...I was very out of line with how I acted, and the moment I finally get to see her again, I'm gonna tell her that. So I keep her on because I know what she's capable of what worth she brings, not just to us but to herself and others. She's good. So, if you're interested in buying the company...the one stipulation is that you cannot fire Alexis. Otherwise I'll start looking for another buyer." Helena leaned back in her chair, sipping her coffee and smirking. "I have to admit," she said, "you really stick up for people. That's nice to see in this line of work. Often bosses see their employees as being underneath them, below them, and would gladly throw any of them to the wolves for a chance at a better life or pay. It's nice to see the opposite. Fine. Stipulation granted. Alexis will stay on. I never had any intention of removing her anyway, I was just curious is all." Helena picked up a pen and signed a paper, then scooted the paper across the table towards Vera and handed her the pen. "You do the honors and we'll be all done here," she said. *** Alexis wasn't having a great day. Sitting in Star's room while John went out to get them all lunch, her thoughts kept turning back to what had happened that morning before she'd left the hospice, and back to the discussion she and Rick had had. For all the hope she'd invested in the two of them being an item after they were released, it now seemed so fragile, after what he'd admitted to her. Alexis picked up a yellow crayon and started coloring on the page, continuing her handiwork while Star did her own page. "Would you forgive someone if they did something that might hurt you?" Alexis asked, looking up at Star. "Hurt me how?" she asked. "Like...like say they were going to do something that you could get hurt by, even if they didn't mean to hurt you, would you forgive them?" Alexis asked, and Star thought for a moment, then shook her head. "No," she said, "people shouldn't hurt eachother, even if on accident." Alexis sighed, nodding. She agreed, and Star was right. Alexis had put in the time and effort to get sober, working hard on herself and her mindset at the hospice, and she wasn't about to throw that away for the hope of a relationship just because Rick didn't want to do the same. "What about your mom?" Alexis asked, "would you ever forgive her?" Star stopped coloring and looked up. She was sitting cross legged on the floor, her hair in pigtails. She stuck the crayon between her teeth and thought for a moment, then shook her head. "No," she said, "she's my mommy, but...she did a bad bad thing, and it hurt me, and I can't do lots of things now cause of it. Nobody should have that power." Alexis wanted to cry. How did this woman, with the mentality of a 7 year old, understand the way people connect to eachother better than the full ass adults she was in constant contact with on a daily basis? The door to the room opened up again, and John entered, smiling, holding their lunches. Alexis knew what she had to do. She'd eat lunch, finish this coloring session, and then go back to the hospital. If she wanted her sobriety, she couldn't put it at risk for the sake of love. She'd worked too hard for that. *** Lying in bed, Miranda's head on Lilian's chest as she ran her fingers through Miranda's hair, it seemed like things were perfect. Neither one had anything to say, because to speak would spoil the moment. Miranda shut her eyes and exhaled, hugging Lilian around the waist tighter, making her chuckle. "This was all I ever wanted," Miranda said quietly, "this exact thing. I mean, sex is fine and all, but this. This level of intimacy. Just lying in bed as a woman, with a woman, a woman who loves me. Who knows me and understands me and respects me and accepts me. This is all I ever dreamed about." "...it's funny," Lilian said, "about a year ago, my mom asked me if I was a lesbian, and I said no, and now here I am. But the thing is...I liked you regardless of your identity. You just happen to be a girl. Identity is complicated, now I know how you've felt your whole life." Miranda laughed and nodded. "Yeah, shit is kinda wild," she said in agreement. "You know you don't have to do it just to be whole, right? I'm gonna see you as you are no matter what you do, and societys opinion doesn't matter. I hope you're doing it for you, and not anyone else, because, frankly, you're already who you need to be. Who you should be," Lilian said, running her hand onto Miranda's cheek and massaging gently. "I am," Miranda said, "I am doing it for me. I can remember my little sister being very young, maybe 3 or 4, and I was...so jealous that I didn't have what she had. Growing up further, being in high school for instance, it just...it never felt right to be the way I was. I didn't really relate to any of the people around me, and never felt comfortable physically, especially doing things like PE where I had to change around guys. I can remember going to a party once and all these guys were bragging about their sexual conquests, about hot girls they'd nailed and then never called again. And the entire time I'm listening to this, all I can think is 'you're an asshole', but I'm not thinking that way from the mans point of view. I'm thinking that way in defense of the girls they left. It felt personal, almost. And whenever I thought about being with a woman, I always thought of it being more romantic, more sensual, more....real." Lilian looked down at Miranda, laying her cheek on the top of her head, still petting her, her fingertips trailing down her bare spine. "It never once," Miranda continued, "occured to me that other guys didn't think the same way. I know some men can be romantic, not as alpha brained, animalistic, but the majority of them...ugh. And it wasn't just that. It was being jealous of what girls got to wear, how long their hair got to be. Beauty seemed effortless to them. I realize now that it isn't entirely, but it still kinda is, just because they're women. I think the one thing being a woman has taught me above all else is that...every single woman, regardless of their genitalia or sexual preference or whatever, isn't the same. Every single woman is different. You don't really get that from a male perspective, you kind of lump them all into the same category that are then sub categorized by cliques. Types. But two women who are very much the same, say they're extremely feminine, can still be entirely different. That's what I've really learned, and it's nice to embrace that." Lilian nodded, listening. She sighed. "When I used to do beauty pageants," Lilian said, "All I saw were women who valued their appearance above all else. But in hindsight, they were often not the ones valuing it. They were playing into others views of self worth related to it. They used peoples attraction as an advantage, and that's kind of powerful. To use what you're given naturally to overtake those who would only respect you for your looks, the very thing you're using against them. That isn't to say that industry isn't still shallow and weird, but we have more power than we've been led to believe. That's what I'm trying to teach Maddie. Her gender doesn't define her, and she's capable of more than the expectations people have of her because of it." Miranda rolled over on top of Lilian and, taking her face in her hands, kissed her hard. "It's been nice, playing home with you," Miranda said, "having a kid around, getting to co-parent." "It's been an interesting experience, that's for sure," Lilian remarked, laughing. "I wanna do that with you forever," Miranda whispered, "...if you want. If you're interested." "Oh, I'm very interested," Lilian said, the both of them giggling as she leaned up and kissed Miranda back. Miranda had made many big decisions throughout her life, up to and including the one today, but the biggest and bravest decision? Loving someone during all of that, even when it meant they might not love you back. Thankfully she'd gotten lucky, and despite Lilian's character at the company, a lot of times, Miranda was the one who often felt like a princess. *** Alexis entered her room, only to find Rick sitting at her desk. She shut the door behind her as he turned and held up a sketchpad with a badly drawn architectural design on it. She stopped and stared it for a moment, trying to make sense of what it was she was looking at exactly. "Uh..." she said. "Renovation plans," Rick said, "for my sisters bakery. I'm gonna go back to work there once I'm outta here, gonna keep my usage on the downlow, not let it overtake me this time." "That's actually something we need to talk about," Alexis said, sitting on her bed, her hands in her lap; Rick turned in the chair towards her as she sniffled and continued, "um...fuck...uh...I don't think we can see eachother if you're not going to be sober too. It...it isn't a judgement against you, for what it's worth, it's myself. I don't think I could stay sober around someone who isn't. I don't trust my convictions that much yet." "...are you breaking up with me?" Rick asked, "...huh...I wasn't even aware we were technically dating. Why am I always the last to know about things that directly involve me?" Alexis couldn't help but laugh a little at this response. "I just...I like you so very much, but I don't think you're ready to be sober yet and-" "Hey, I can be sober to be with you." "No, then you're doing it for me, and you should do it for yourself," Alexis said, starting to cry, "I...I don't wanna be the reason you give up on something that you still want to do, regardless of if it's good or bad for you. I don't exactly know your entire history with drugs, I don't know exactly how they interact with you, but...if you're not ready, then don't do it for my sake. That's just gonna breed resentment and contempt down the line, and that isn't fair to either of us." A silence filled the room, and Rick stood up, nodding. He headed for the door, then stopped. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled something out, then handed it to Alexis. "I, uh...I thought you might like this," he said, "my sister helped me get it." And then, with that, Rick turned and left the room. Alexis sat on the bed, crying, as she slowly opened the small container, revealing its contents. A silver necklace with an emerald broach in the middle, something resembling the kind of thing one might find in a treasure chest. Alexis held the jewelry in her hand and cried more. Rick had truly been the only person to ever get to know her, her interests and likes, her hobbies and personality. To take her to heart and remember the things she thought were good. He'd also been the only person to ever buy her jewelry. She laid down on her side, clutching the necklace to her chest, and cried. She knew it was for the best. For the both of them. But if it was the right thing to do...why did it make her feel so bad? "Gotta say, not a big fan of being blindfolded outside of the bedroom," Alexis said as she sat in John's car while he drove to the predetermined destination; he smirked as she continued, adding, "usually it leads to a surprise birthday party or something of similar yet disgusting nature. It's never for anything fun, that's for sure."
"First of all, you telling me you like to be blindfolded in bed? Not necessary for me to know. You can keep some stuff to yourself," John said, "Secondly, I'm in agreement with you. I'm not a fan of it myself. Nor am I a fan of birthday parties." "Which is weird cause you're a clown." "Well, my own anyway," John said, "don't like my own birthday. Don't mind celebrating others. Anyway I promise that where we're going is definitely worth the trip and the time spent being unable to see. Besides, you're a pirate, right? You already spend a good amount of time with one eye covered. What's the difference really in losing sight in both?" Alexis laughed as John came to another turn and entered over a bump that led into a parking lot. Alexis sighed and turned her head to look out the window, only to be reminded she couldn't see anything. "You know, they say when you lose one of your senses, the others often end up working better, but I'm finding this not to be true," Alexis said. "Well, you're also not actually blind," John said, "just keep that in mind." After another few minutes, they finally parked and John climbed out of the car, went around to the passenger side and opened Alexis's door, helping her out. His hands on her arms, he guided her from behind down towards something. She could hear what sounded like water, and she tensed up, feeling uneasy. After a few minutes of walking, they finally came to a stop, and John pulled the blindfold off her face. Her eyes took a minute to adjust to the sights, but when they finally did, they were standing on a pier. "...are you...am I about to sleep with the fishes?" Alexis asked, "is this a mob hit?" Suddenly, a large boat pulled up beside them, and Alexis couldn't believe her eyes. Standing on the main deck was, of all people, her sister Geena. She couldn't decide what was worse, to be honest. To be near a large body of water, or her actual family. Each one had managed to do rather significant damage. The boat stopped alongside the pier, and Geena came down the ramp, approaching them. "I'm sorry for all the secrecy," Geena said, putting her hands on her sisters shoulders, "but...I really really wanted it to be a surprise. What do you think?" Alexis looked past her sister at the boat and sighed. "I think I'd rather go to a birthday party," she said flatly. *** Miranda and Lilian, in Lilian's car as she drove, hadn't said a word since leaving the apartment that morning. They weren't fighting, of course, just...each was lost in thought about what the day was going to be like. This was the first time Lilian would be meeting Miranda's family, and the first time Miranda would be seeing them again as herself, fully. Truth be told, she was nervous as hell, something Lilian could sense given that she was constantly clawing at her stockings. Thankfully, they'd been able to drop Maddie off with Vera again, so they had to whole day and night to themselves for this event. "You're gonna be fine, you know that, right? I'm gonna be there, and everything's gonna be okay," Lilian said as they pulled up to a stoplight and she rested her hand on Miranda's thigh. This worked a little, making Miranda smile. "The thing is, nobody could make me uncertain of who I am, I know who I am," Miranda said, "nobody can ever make me doubt that. It's more that...people in my community...we often don't have great relationships with our families. Mine was already kind of fraught, between my father and I anyway, and I just...I worry about that more than anything else. I worry about not having a family at all." "Well, you'll always have family in some form, through me and Maddie," Lilian said, patting Miranda on the thigh. Miranda smiled, albeit weakly. She appreciated what Lilian was doing, what she was trying to say, but deep down, she knew it would never be the same. Of course she'd always have them as her family of sorts, but that wasn't the same thing as having blood family. She went back to looking out the window as the light finally turned green and Lilian continued driving. Miranda didn't know how today was going to shake out...but it couldn't be worse than Alexis's day. *** "What in the name of God's green Earth would make you think I'd ever want to get on a boat, let alone get anywhere close to a large body of water again?" Alexis asked, standing on the dock. Geena looked embarrassed, and John was getting, quite frankly, fed up with Alexis's attitude. "She's trying to show you that you can overcome things!" John said, "that's what rehab is all about, right? Overcoming your adversities. Proving you're stronger than the things that weigh you down. So the water almost killed you? Get on this boat and make the water your bitch." Alexis looked past him at Geena, who was sitting on the edge of the dock. Alexis walked past John, and seated herself next to her sister. "I appreciate the gesture, for what it's worth," Alexis said. "Do you?" Geena asked. "I do!" Alexis replied, "I really, genuinely do. It's...it's nice to know that someone from my family, my sister of all people, has my best interests at heart, but-" "I came to the hospital," Geena said, interrupting, "back when you OD'd. But seeing you lying in that bed, so close to the edge...it was like seeing you lying on the beach again. I know we have our differences, but we also have our similarities, such as hating the people we grew up with. I managed to at least get myself on track, and it's nice to see you doing the same. Nobody else is, you know? Nobody else from the family is doing well at all. I just wanna help you more." Alexis sighed and, against her usual judgement, reached out and took Geena's hand in her own, squeezing it. "The thing is, I have help," Alexis said, "I've got John, and I've got all the people I work with, and this guy at the facility that I really like. But I guess you're right in the sense that it's not the same. I have friends. Cohorts. A potential romantic interest. But I don't have a sister at the moment, and that could be kinda cool." Geena smiled, wiping the tears from her eyes with her other hand. "Alright, dammit," Alexis muttered, "let's get on your damn stupid boat." *** Standing on the large covered front porch of Miranda's childhood home, waiting for her to ring the doorbell, Lilian couldn't help but feel a little jealous of her youth. Miranda had grown up in an affluent neighborhood, in a really nice home, compared to the small apartment Lilian herself had grown up in with her mother. Miranda exhaled, then reached out and pressed her finger to the doorbell, then straightened her standing, feeling Lilian take her hand and squeeze gently. "This place used to feel so..." Miranda started, looking around, before adding, "...full." "Full?" Lilian asked. "Yeah. Now everything feels so empty, and not just here, but everywhere in life, except with you," Miranda said, pulling Lilian's hand to her lips and kissing it, adding, "that's the one thing that's always fully." "You might have depression," Lilian said, "you should see my therapist. He's helped me through a lot, and he has a daughter like you. He'd be nothing but understanding." "You don't think that'd get messy, sharing a therapist?" Miranda asked, making Lilian laugh. "Well, not like we'd be seeing him together," she replied. Suddenly the front door swung open, and standing there was Miranda's mother, Ann, who lunged forward and immediately hugged Miranda without any hesitation. Miranda, not expecting this kind of hello despite having a good relationship with her mother, started to cry as she hugged her mother back. Her mother squeezed her tighter, and pressed her lips to her ear, whispering. "I missed you so much," she said, "my little girl is home." That, more than anything else, broke Miranda, who started crying even harder. Lilian just stepped aside, smiling brightly as she watched this heartwarming moment unfurl before her. As Ann pulled away from Miranda, her hands on her arms, looking at her, she then turned her attention to Lilian and smiled at her as well. "Hello," Ann said. "Mom, this is my girlfriend, Lilian," Miranda said. "It's very nice to meet-" Lilian began, holding out her hand before Ann suddenly hugged her too, taking both Lilian and Miranda by surprise. After that hug ended, Ann did the same thing; she stood in front of Lilian, staring at her, while Miranda slinked by her mother and headed into the house. Once out of earshot, Ann, her face wet with tears, cleared her throat. "Thank you so much," she said, "thank you for letting her be herself. Nobody could ever get her to do it. I accepted her, she had friends who accepted her, but none of it ever was enough to push her to do it. Whatever you did, it must've been something spectacular, because to finally see her as herself, happy, makes my heart swell." "All I did was love her," Lilian said, chuckling nervously, shrugging, "nothing too hard." "Please, come inside," Ann said. With that, she and Lilian headed inside after Miranda. Once inside, Lilian couldn't help but be jealous of the interior of the house as well. Wasn't anything amazing, just a very well kept upper suburban home, but it once again made Lilian a bit jealous for Miranda's upbringing. Ann followed Miranda past the foyer and into the living room, while Lilian stopped in the hall and looked at photos on the wall, photos on a nearby table, taking it all in. In the photos Miranda looked happy, but she could see the pain behind her eyes, especially in photos that featured her sister. Lilian picked up one photo, then heard someone come in behind her. She turned, a little surprised, to see a woman a little younger than Miranda standing there in the doorway between the foyer and the kitchen chewing on a celery stick with peanut butter on it. "I'm...I'm sorry, I hope it's okay to look at these," Lilian said, and the woman shrugged. "I don't care," she said. She had short brown hair and was wearing ripped jeans and a v-neck t-shirt with an oversized flannel overshirt. "I just...it's nice to see her as a kid," Lilian said, as the woman stopped beside her and looked at the photos as well. "Yeah, well, at least one of us wound up a happy adult," the woman said, before heading upstairs, and only then did it dawn on Lilian that that was Miranda's sister. But before she could really process this interaction she was called into the living room by Miranda, and she happily kept to the plan. *** Alexis and Geena were standing at the rail of the boat, as it sailed out onto open waters. Geena was holding Alexis's hand to keep her from getting scared, as the sound of the water lapping up against the metal of the boat certainly made Alexis jump a little each time. After a little bit, Alexis edged herself away from the siderail and back into the center of the deck, Geena following suit. "Are you doing alright?" Geena asked, and Alexis exhaled, then shook her head. "Not really, no, I'm extremely anxious, I can feel my heart racing," she said, "it's wild that one little thing can have such a negative effect on you for the rest of your life." "One little thing? You nearly drowned, Alex," Geana said, laughing. "Nearly being the operative word there," Alexis replied, "they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I find the opposite to be true. If anything, it's just weakened me further. I have a hard time even being around pools sometimes. Water just makes me so uncomfortable." Geena picked out a root beer from a cooler on the boat and popped the top, taking a long sip. She looked around the boat, spotting John off to the side, fishing of all things, and laughed quietly to herself. She then sighed and looked back towards Alexis. "Are you mad you survived?" Geena asked. "I mean, I was a kid, so-" "No no," Geena said, waving her hand, "not survived that. Survived your OD. Are you mad that you survived that?" Alexis thought for a moment, folding her arms, chewing her lip. "...it's complicated. At first yeah, kinda. Like, I was aware I was now going to be held responsible for my actions, albeit my actions that weren't intentional, and that I'd have to answer for what happened. I was mad about dealing with the consequences of an even accidental overdose. That being said, it starts to dwindle the longer I've been back in the world of the living. I don't feel as mad now. There's twinges, moments where I wish I had just died, hadn't been found, because it feels as though death would be easier and more preferable to anything else, and that getting sober is hard and dealing with life is impossible, but on the whole, not really. Not now." "That's good to hear," Geena replied, smiling, handing Alexis her root beer, which she graciously accepted and took a long drink from as Geena continued, "I should've done more, like, to prevent you from even going down that road." "Don't say that," Alexis said, "First of all, I'm responsible for my own decisions, okay. Secondly, drugs helped me more often than they hurt me. One bad incident doesn't erase all the good they did for me. People act like drug users are terrible people without recognizing that everyone takes something for something, regardless of legality. These helped me deal with my loneliness, my depression, my anxiety. In all honesty, taking drugs probably kept me from killing myself for so long, which in turn only makes the accidental OD all that more ironic when you think about it. And third, I'm your sister, not your child. I appreciate that you care, but-" "The first two, sure, but the third one," Geena said, sniffling, "I should've been there more. I could see where you were headed, and I should've done more to try and prevent it at least. Even if you hadn't listened, I would've at least had tried, you know? You're my sister, not my kid, yeah, but that doesn't make you any less important to me, and I'm so sorry that we weren't closer after everything that happened at home." A long pause as the boat drifted gently on the waters, and they could hear some seagulls overhead. "I'm sorry I did stop him from hurting you," Geena said. "He was gonna hit me no matter what you did," Alexis remarked, "nobody could've stopped him." "I was their favorite, they might've listened to me, but I was so afraid of losing that favoritism that I didn't do anything. They played us against one another because they our strength in numbers could do damage. That doesn't excuse my actions, but it does, if nothing else, contextualizes them, and that helps me at least. I'm sorry about mom and dad." "They need to apologize, you don't need to apologize on their behalf," Alexis said sternly, "stop letting them use you for their dirty work." Geena smiled weakly, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. Alexis handed her back her root beer, as John approached them from behind, holding up a fish on the end of his line. "You actually caught something?" Geena asked. "What can I say," John started, "I'm a-" "If you make a master baiter joke right now I'm gonna push you off this boat and not rescue you," Alexis said, interrupting, the three of them cackling. *** The living room was what one might expect from a household such as this. Nice couches covered in decorative throw pillows and quilts slung over the backs, bookshelves filled with hardbacks and the usual entertainment center setup complete with flatscreen TV and the accompanying devices that it warranted; DVR, DVD player, a game system of one kind or another. Lilian didn't know much about games, so. Ann had gotten them all glasses of iced tea and some snack crackers to share, complete with cheese and meat slices adorning the tops, and the three of them sat there, anxiously nibbling on their food, sipping their drinks, unsure of how to approach the topic of conversation. "You have a beautiful home," Lilian finally said, "I grew up in a shoddy apartment, so this is...it's nice. I'm jealous. I mean, growing up in an apartment complex comes with its charms too. You really get to know your neighbors, for one. But I would've much preferred something akin to this, obviously." "Yeah, you can see how well suburban families work out, just as Maddie," Miranda said, making Lilian grimace, before Miranda touched her leg and added, "sorry, that wasn't cool. I'm sorry." "Well, it's not without its faults," Ann said, chiming in, rattling the ice against the glass, "Lots of upkeep. In an apartment, there's at least a handyman on pay. Here we have to do everything ourselves if we don't wanna pay out of pocket. Home insurance covers some things, but not everything, certainly not rennovation. Do you get along with your mother, Lilian?" "That's a loaded question," Lilian said, chuckling anxiously, "I mean, yes and no. We're doing better, though." The front door opened and they heard someone enter the foyer. Nobody spoke. Finally, a tall, rather thin man stopped in the doorway to the living room, briefcase still in hand, and looked at everyone. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and squinted, staring at Miranda. "...oh," he said, before turning and exiting the room. They waited, heard him head down the hallway, enter another room and lock the door behind him. "That was a better reaction than I expected," Miranda said. "Well," Ann replied, "between you and your sister, he didn't really get the family he expected or hoped to have." Lilian and Miranda exchanged a look before Miranda asked, "...what about Kate?" "She's still living here, for one thing, we're paying for her therapy for her eating disorder. Anorexia is a bitch. But she's doing better, and we're proud of her. But between that and her acknowledgement of her attraction to women, can't really say Chuck is pleased as punch. It was one thing to lose what he thought was a son, but then to lose his other daughter to homosexuality? He's slowly realizing he's not going to get the life he wanted, and frankly, he deserves it. None of us got the life we wanted either, so why should he." Lilian laughed at this, which made Ann smile. Miranda stood up, excusing herself. She headed back into the foyer, stopped and looked down the hall to her fathers office, then headed up the stairs. As she approached her sisters bedroom, she knocked on the door, and when it finally opened a sliver, Kate sighed and opened the door the whole way, allowing Miranda entrance. "Wow," Miranda said, "your room looks almost the same." "Only cause I'm shit at decorating," Kate said. "I could help with that, if you wanna do something to it," Miranda said, sitting on the bed as Kate plopped herself back down in her spinning desk chair. Miranda sighed, looked down at her hands in her lap and said, "...I'm sorry. I wasn't the best sibling. I know that. I'm also sorry about what you're dealing with, your eating and stuff. You look like you're doing better though. Regardless, I should've been here to help." "Why would you, nobody else did," Kate replied. "Mom sounds proud of you, mom seems like she cares," Miranda said. "I guess," Kate said, shrugging, "...dad hates me." "It's okay, dad hates everyone," Miranda said, the both of them smirking. "For what it's worth," Kate said, "I always thought you'd make a good sister." Miranda felt herself wanting to cry, as Kate rolled over to the bed on her chair and leaned forward, hugging her. Miranda put her arms around her little sister, hugging her back. Maybe their father would come around at some point, maybe he wouldn't, didn't matter. Having her mom and sister on her side was far more preferable anyway. After all, women need to stick together. *** Alexis opened the door to her hospice room, only to find Rick sitting on her bed. She jumped, a bit startled, then laughed nervously as she shut the door behind her. Rick smiled, standing up. "Where you been?" he asked. "I saw my sister. We went for a boat ride," Alexis said, "sorry, I would've told you but it was kind of sudden and-" Rick didn't wait to hear more. He took Alex's face in his hands and kissed her. She happily kissed him back. "You smell like fish," Rick said. "Like you don't love it," Alexis replied playfully, making him laugh. "It's true, nothing like the smell of trout to get me going," he said, kissing her again. All in all, for everyone involved, things went much better than expected. Alexis hadn't conquered her fear of the water, but like getting sober, she'd taken the first step towards doing so, and Miranda knew now for certain that she'd always her mom and sister by her side to watch her back. While Alexis regaled Rick with her tales of her day on the ocean, Lilian and Miranda were driving home. Miranda was asleep in the passenger seat, and Lilian glanced over at her, smiling to herself. She thought back to her own mother, and how hard she had tried, and how much they were trying to be friends now. She promised she was going to do whatever it took to keep her safe. Lying on Alex's bed after the discussion of the day was through, holding hands, Alex rolled onto her side and rested her head on Rick's chest. He reached up with his free hand and gently stroked her hair. She shut her eyes and exhaled, allowing herself to relax. "I want to meet your sister sometime," Alexis said, and Rick nodded. "Never had a girlfriend before who actually wanted to meet my family," he said, laughing a little. But Alexis didn't respond. She'd drifted off to sleep. There'd be more time to talk tomorrow. Right now, she was dreaming, dreaming of that day on the beach, the day she almost drowned. As she walked closer to the water, preparing to be swallowed up by it yet again, she could feel Geena's hand grab her wrist and pull her away from it. Seemed like people had been pulling Alexis away from danger her whole life, and maybe, finally, she was ready to accept that others did in fact care about her well being. She used to have drugs, and that worked well for her for a while. But maybe, now, it was time to have more. "I wish we were meeting under better circumstances," Principal Greensburg said, pushing some of her somewhat frizzy black hair from her face; she had only been principal for a brief time, but she was the youngest the school had ever had, not to mention the first African American principal, and Lilian, on the rare occasions she had to interact with her, had found her nothing if not charming and delightful to be around. Today, however...
"I can't say what the circumstances are until I'm told what happened," Lilian replied. Both women then turned their gaze to Maddie, who had pulled her backpack closer to her chest, hugging it tightly, keeping her eyes glued to the ground. Something had clearly happened, and it had been so bad that Lilian, stated as Maddie's parental figure on her schoolwork, had to be called in, but Lilian was willing to give Maddie the benefit of the doubt. "Well," Principal Greensburg continued, "the last week or so we've been having some issues with Maddison and her attitude towards another student, a girl named Ashley Banks. Typically these sorts of issues would be kept to school grounds, dealt with internally, but it's reached the point where we feel outside interaction is required, especially after what happened today." "And what happened today?" Lilian asked, starting to feel nervous. "Do you want to tell her?" Principal Greensburg asked, looking at Maddie, and Maddie shook her head, so the principal sighed, then added, "she beat Ashley up. And not...not in the kind of way that girls typically beat one another up, with some scratches and hair pulling. I mean she literally beat her up. Ashley had to go home she was suffering so much." Lilian rubbed her forehead and slumped in her chair. This was the LAST thing she needed right now. *** Vera was sitting behind her desk at the company office, her first time actually being in the office in what felt like months. Lately, if she could find a way to do her work from home, she took it, and thankfully since it was mostly payroll and paperwork, she could. But today she couldn't do her work from home. Today she had a meeting. She'd even gotten to the office earlier than usual, much earlier in fact, to clean it head to toe and make it as presentable as possible for her guest. She wanted them to be impressed. She needed them to be impressed. As she finished dusting off the fake plant in the corner by her desk, she heard the door open and she quickly rushed to her chair, trying to look as casual as possible, something Vera was not typically good at. The door swung fully open, and in walked her guest, Mrs. Helena Langdon. Mrs. Langdon looked like someone straight out of a successful business magazine. She had the suit, the gait, the overall attitude. Hell, she even had the expensive atache case. She approached the desk and sat down, crossing her legs immediately and setting the case down by the feet of her chair. She reached up, undid her hair that was pulled back tightly and let it fall around her shoulders, something Vera had not been expecting. "I...I have to say you're both exactly who I envisioned and not at all who I envisioned," Vera said, breaking the silence. "I could say the same for you," Mrs. Langdon replied, "after all, why did you rent out an entire building for a business that only has maybe 6 employees?" "I'm a bit of a traditionalist," Vera remarked, shrugging, laughing nervously, "I always liked the idea of being the one in charge of a big company. Plus, it was either this, or meet at one anothers apartments for things and that...that's not exactly a great idea." "There's a third option, one you're overlooking," Mrs. Langdon said sternly, "you're in the 21st century. You have the internet. You can run an entire business like this purely online, via app based communication. All you need to do is get someone to create the app for you, and then you can communicate with your employees on a one to one basis, while also letting people hire you all through it for whatever they need." "That just feels so...impersonal." "You're a business," Mrs. Langdon said, "it's supposed to be impersonal." Vera shrugged. She'd always thought that the thing people liked about their company was the fact that they didn't really behave like a company. There was no stoicism to them at all, like they acted as if they didn't care about their customers. If anything, the number one compliment they usually got was just how much those hired cared and did their best to make the party a success, and many times, even offering to stay after and help clean up. Vera didn't want to lose that goodwill. "Listen," Mrs. Langdon said, "you called me, okay? I'm just here to offer suggestions and perhaps buy your company at above market value." "Above market?" "I see the potential in what you all do," Mrs. Langdon continued, "there's a necessity for it. You're niche, but you're not so niche that you can't be financially viable. Everyone has parties. Everyone's got a birthday, got a graduation, you name it. So there's always a need for what you do. There's a market here for sure. Tell me, who is your most successful employee by ranking?" "Well," Vera said, sighing, "surprisingly, it's the one we've had the most trouble with internally." *** "Where are we going?" Alexis asked as she looked out the passenger side window of John's car. "I'm taking you to meet someone," John said flatly, "so just sit back and enjoy the ride." Alexis sighed and did as she was told, just watching the streets go by. Truthfully, she hadn't had the best week. She hadn't been doing so great in therapy, unable to work through certain issues, and Rick had been avoiding her a bit for some reason - he claimed he was doing certain activities at the hospital and she didn't want to call him a liar but she had her doubts, thanks to how everyone had treated her - so she wasn't really in the greatest mood. When John showed up for his usual lunch date, he could see she was pained, so he decided to take her somewhere, whether she wanted to or not. The thing was, and she wouldn't tell him this, Alexis had begun to have doubts about her life after the hospital. Did she really want to return to the company? Did she really want to work for Vera again? And what about Rick? Rick had been the best thing in her life in many years, maybe even ever aside from John, and she didn't know how to handle the fact that she might be released before him and they might not be able to be as together as they were able to right now. This worried her deeply. She really liked Rick, and she didn't want to lose that. "I saw your sister recently," John said, surprising her, finally getting Alexis to look at him. "...what? Why?" "Well, to be fair, she showed up at my trailer park unannounced, it wasn't like we were having secret meetings behind your back," John said, "I would've been rude if I'd just turned her away, so. Anyway, she told me a bit about your parents and stuff, about the drowning incident. I'm sorry your folks sucked so much." "Eh, what's it matter? I'm an adult now, I shouldn't care," Alexis muttered. "Yeah, but you do. Because that's the thing, you don't stop wanting stuff you never got. You just want it harder, if anything. But there's also nothing wrong with that, and really I feel like that's a natural reaction to have. To double down on the want that you so required to begin with," John said as they pulled into the parking lot of the hospice. Alexis's eyes wandered around the outdoor facilities and then she turned to look John in the eyes. "Where are we?" she asked. "There's someone I want you to meet," John said, unstrapping his seatbelt. Together, he and Alexis climbed out of the car and headed towards the entrance. Upon entering, he was greeted with kindness and enthusiasm, as was Alexis simply for being his guest. They continued further in, down the hall and into an elevator, where he pressed the corresponding floor keys. "You took me from one hospital to go to another hospital?" Alex asked, "that sounds kinda counterproductive, don't you think?" John laughed and shook his head. The elevator reached its floor, and they exited, Alexis still following John down the hall until he reached the room. He put his hand on the doorknob, then stopped and looked at Alexis. Neither one said anything, and John pulled his hand slowly off the doorknob, and instead put his hands on her shoulders. "If you think that you're in the wrong for wanting a life you can't have because your parents fucked you over," he said, "then maybe this will help you understand just how okay it is to want that." And with that, he turned back to the door and opened it, revealing Stars living quarters. She was seated cross legged on her bed in her shirt and shorts, doing a small puzzle on a TV tray, and smiled so brightly the second she saw her father in the doorway. She leapt up from the bed and ran across the room, throwing herself against him. He just laughed and hugged her back, and Alexis...Alexis just stood dumbfounded. She still didn't understand what John was trying to show her, but come the end of the day, she would. And she'd feel all the better for it. *** Lilian wasn't having a good afternoon. Sitting in the principals office, waiting for her to return - she'd been temporarily called out to a classroom for something - she wanted to ask Maddie why this was happening. What this girl, Ashley, could've done or said that was so wrong that warranted an out and out beating. In Maddie's defense, she had a lot to be angry about, and at this point any reason to snap was likely somewhat justified, but still. Lilian sighed and ran her hands down her face. "...what was it?" she finally asked, looking at Maddison, adding, "what was so henious that you had to send a girl home?" "....it...it doesn't matter," Maddie whispered. "No, but it does, Maddie, it does matter. I know you're going through a lot, okay? Your father's recovery, your mothers justified incarceration, getting your first period, like...hell, kid. You've got reasons to be angry at the world. But there's healthy and there's unhealthy ways to cycle through that anger, and literally beating the hell out of someone is one of the unhealthiest you can indulge in this side of self destructive behavior." Maddie sunk lower in her chair and let her hair cover her eyes. Lilian sighed again, reaching out and putting a hand on her knee. "I'm sorry," Lilian said quietly, "I'm getting too 'mom' like, and...and it must be uncomfortable and-" "No, I...I like it," Maddie said, "it's...nice to have a mom. I don't think my mom ever really acted like a mom the way you do, so it's nice to have that for once. It's nice to feel like someone gives a crap about me." "Kiddo, if I didn't give a crap about you, you wouldn't be living with me," Lilian said, chuckling. Lilian and Maddie both had had somewhat disconnected mothers, but the difference was that, even in spite of her aloofness, Lilian's mother never had any negative intentions for her daughter. The same could obviously not be said for Maddie's mother. Perhaps that was why Lilian was so capable of being what Maddie needed, and she was happy she was succeeding. Every kid deserves a supportive adult in their life, even if only just one. The door to the office opened and the principal came back in, seating herself again. "Sorry for the delay," she said, "anyway, I wanted to discuss what we think would be appropriate disciplinary action." "Frankly," Lilian said, "...I'd like to discuss why you feel the need to discipline someone defending themselves." This response caught both Maddie and the principal off guard, and Maddie had to hide her sudden smile. *** Vera was anxious. She was tapping her pen against her desk while Helena Langdon looked through her atache case for some papers. Vera had never thought about selling the company back to, well, a company. She didn't want it in the hands of a traditional company that cared about profits over employees. She much preferred to leave it in the hands of someone who was more familiar with running a business that didn't run its workers into the ground for monetary net worth. After a moment, Vera realized she was chewing on the pen, and then set it down nervously, feeling embarrassed, but when she looked up, she noticed Helena smirking. "You don't have to feel shy about your nervous tics," she said, "I used to do the same thing. When I was still in business school, I'd get so anxious about having interviews, even the fake ones for classes, that I'd chew my nails down so much to the point where I was often mistaken for a lesbian just becase of how short they were." "That's stereotyping," Vera chuckled, "did you manage to quit doing it?" "Eventually, but it took a lot of force of will," Helena said, finally placing some papers onto Vera's desk and adding, "the real trick, I discovered, was to redirect that anxiety elsewhere, to another outlet. In my case, that turned out to be chewing gum. Now I just keep a pack of gum on my person at all times, and so instead of chewing my nails, I just chew gum. It's a much better solution that most people come up with; others attempt to substitute with smoking, sexual activities, but I find that that just creates more problems. Chewing gum never caused anyone any issues." "Unless it gets in your hair," Vera remarked, making Helena laugh. "Right, well, there's downsides to everything I suppose," she said, "now, if you want to get this deal going, these are the first papers you'll need to read through, sign and get back to me. And please don't hesitate to ask about any changes to anything you see in there that you feel isn't right for you, or the company. I'm a business woman, but unlike the others in my field, I'm not trying to screw over those I intend to help. It's a partnership, plain and simple, like any other transactional relationship in life. It needs to be equal, fifty fifty." Vera smiled big. She hadn't expected to get so lucky in finding someone so good to run the company, and she was more than pleased at the person she'd managed to unearth. If nothing else, at the end of it all, Vera could step down as owner and be confident that everything and everyone would be in good hands. For the first time in a handful of years...Vera felt hopeful for the future, especially her own. *** John and Alexis were sitting in Star's room as she napped on her bed, hugging her favorite seahorse plush to her chest. John was eating out of a bag of sunflower seeds, which he shared with Alexis, who happily took a handful. After a few moments of quiet chewing, Alexis finally spoke. "I don't get it," she said, "why did you bring me here?" "Because like you, Alexis, my daughter was screwed over by her parents, most specifically my wife. She took away the chance she could've had at a 'normal' life, and as such, took away what she and I could've had had she not become this. Don't let that confuse you, I'm not at all disappointed with how she is now. I'm so happy she's here, and I love her to death. But the fact is she didn't get what she needed, which was parental stability, same as you. I'm doing my best to give you both that, but I also want you to know that it's okay to be angry about it. Star is sometimes. Every now and then she'll tell me she wished she could go to school, or have friends, and just be 'normal', and I have to remind her that she is normal, this is her normal. Everyones lived reality is their normal. And you're normal too, Alex." Alexis wanted to cry. She had seen John as a father figure, but she didn't know he was an actual father, and now it all made sense why he was so good at it, because he was actually a dad to a daughter. Alexis looked back towards Star's bed and watched her shift in her sleep. John was right, she knew. Who she was, drug problems and all, were just who she was. And even though she had no intention to go back to that person, and instead wanted to stick the course on her rehab, she realized it was time to stop feeling bad about it. To stop feeling about wanting a regular adolescence with good parents. "...I'd like to legally adopt you," John said, "if you'd still want that." "I would," Alexis said, sniffling, trying to hold back tears. "Then we'll get started on that asap," John said, "every adulthood deserves a childhood, even if it's a little late." It was funny, Alexis thought, for someone who played a clown, John made her cry far more often than he made her laugh. *** "I'm sorry, what do you mean?" Principal Greensburg asked. "I mean here's a girl whose mother MURDERED a child at her birthday party, then attempted to kill her father after he has a heart attack, and you expect her to behave socially acceptably? I mean, I get it, school has rules and yes, violence is often not justified, but there are extenuating circumstances in certain situations. Let me guess, Ashley gets go home to a house with two supportive, loving parents and never wonder why her mother didn't want her, right? You're the principal, you've met these people, tell me." Principal Greensburg cleared her throat, clearly feeling nervous now and cupped her hands on her desk again. "Y-yes, she does, yes, her parents are both successful people in their careers, and often go the extra mile for her. They donate to the school, they chaperone, they do what they can," Principal Greensburg said, "but just because one student has it better than others doesn't entitle the lesser lucky student to behave this way." "I'm not saying it entitles them to, no; it's contextual, not actionable. Explanation doesn't equate justification," Lilian said, "and yes, by the rules set by the district, Maddie should face some kind of disciplinary charges, but you need to also recognize that these are unusual circumstances that not every student is dealing with. I just think it isn't fair to say she's the only bad one in this situation." "It wasn't even about me," Maddie said, finally speaking, causing both Lilian and Principal Greensburg to look towards her as she added, "...it was about you." "...me?" Lilian asked, "What do you mean?" "She said I was going to become a queer like you," Maddie said, "but in...not so nice terms." "Oh, I see," Lilian said, "and that upset you?" "Of course it did, because first of all that isn't a problem, you're the coolest person I've ever known, and secondly, who you love isn't a problem, because unlike my mom you don't try to kill your partner. If anything, you and Miranda probably have the healthiest relationship I've ever seen, and if I do turn out like that, then that's great, cause while Ashley will be miserable married to some guy who gives her 3 children then starts to hate her when she isn't pretty anymore, I'll be happy with whoever it is I wind up being with because I had a good role model. Nobody gets to talk that way about me, or about you." Lilian wanted to cry. She wanted to grab Maddie and squeeze her so tight and just cry for joy. After all the effort she'd put into helping this little girl, Maddie was finally repaying the favor, and although Lilian always knew she and Maddie were friends, were close, this was the defining moment that she realized just how much of a parent to her she'd really become. Maddie was willing to throw down to protect her honor. Lilian really felt like a princess. "So rampant and open homophobia is perfectly okay at your school?" Lilian asked, finally looking back at Principal Greensburg, "because that's what it's starting to sound like. Like because little miss perfects parents donate and help out, she gets a free pass to be vile and spread her vitriol anywhere she wants. Is that what's going on here? Because if so, let me know, so I can start looking for another school." "Obviously that isn't the case, and had I known what Ashley had said, I would've spoken to her parents about her choices in dialogue," Principal Greensburg, "I assure you were are a very open and inclusive school-" "Because you believe in it, or because you're legally forced to be?" Lilian asked, interrupting her, "because there is a difference." "Miss Phillips, I don't think we-" "No, I don't think we need to sit here and listen to anymore of this. Somebody isn't going to take blame for defending themselves, defending those they love, while some brat gets to walk free with, at best, a scraped knee or a broken nose and continue to be openly hateful towards those she finds below her," Lilian said, standing up and taking Maddie by the hand, "because you might be a school, but it seems to me the only thing you're teaching is that it's okay to be cruel to others, and frankly, that just isn't the kind of environment I want for my kid." With that, Lilian turned and left the room, tugging Maddie behind her. Once outside the office, Lilian leaned against the wall and sighed, running her hands down her face, wanting to scream. Suddenly, she felt Maddie hug her around the waist, and she smiled, reached down and stroked her hair. "Come on," Lilian said, "let's go get ice cream. This day calls for ice cream." "I'm gonna get rainbow sprinkles in solidarity," Maddie said, smirking. "Alright, now you're just makin fun of me," Lilian remarked, the both of them chuckling. Sometimes the best mothers and the best daughters aren't related at all. Here's the thing about Jane Phillips...she never really intended to be a mom.
That wasn't to say that, when the time came she didn't fully embrace and appreciate it, she did the absolute best she could, but it had never exactly been a goal for her. Jane had never been exactly...steady....mentally enough to have a child, but once Lilian arrived, she didn't try and weasel out of the responsibility. If anything, she did the opposite. She enrolled Lilian - with the financial help of her own parents - into the best preschool they had around, and then to a private elementary school. She made sure Lilian knew how to read, teaching her herself, getting books from the library out together and reading them in bed at night. She never scolded, she never threatened, she never talked down to. Sure, sometimes they had arguments, but she never said anything hateful or hurtful or damaging. Standing in the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of juice and waiting for her pancakes to bubble, she saw the car pull up out front and quickly abandoned all other things to attend to the fact that her daughter had just pulled up to her house. Here's the thing about Jane Phillips...she never really intended to be a mom. But once she was, she made sure to try and be the best damn mom she could. *** "That's heavy, man," Alexis said, and Maddie nodded. Alex, Lilian, Rina and Maddie were seated in the diner, in a booth, having breakfast. Lilian had just gone to pick Maddie up from her fathers, and after Maddie told her what her mother had told her father, and what her father had, in turn, told her, Lilian knew she needed other people to hear it. Alexis picked up her toast and took a bite out of it. This was one of her free days - she got a few every month to try to acclimate herself back into society - so she was able to get out of the hospital that morning when Lilian came to pick her up as well. Rina just stared dead eyed at Maddie while mindlessly sipping her coffee. "She never came off as right in the head," Rina said, "no offense." "Please, I have no interest in defending her," Maddie replied. "So all those hunches, about your father being poisoned, I mean obviously we knew it was true but now it's like undeniable, right?" Alexis asked, "cause she just flat out admitted to attempted murder of her own spouse." "Are there any adults you can trust?" Maddie asked glumly. "You trust us, right?" Alexis asked, "well, the others. I'm not so much an adult, but you know what I mean." This made Maddie laugh a little, and that felt good. She hadn't laughed in what felt like ages. Lilian stood up, excusing herself from the table before heading to the hall where the bathrooms were. She stopped in the hallway and pulled some change from her pocket, pumping coins into the payphone and making a call. A call she didn't really want to make. A call to her mother. The phone rang a few times, and finally Jane answered, sounding out of breath. "Hello?" she asked. "Mom? Are you okay?" Lilian asked. "I was in the garage and came running when the phone rang, I'm just out of breath...and also out of shape," Jane said, making Lilian smile. "Mom, I have a favor to ask..." she said. Meanwhile, back at the table, Alexis finished her toast and sipped her coffee, sighing as she set the mug back down. "Look, my parents were awful, ARE awful," Alex said, "like...they didn't give a shit whether me or my siblings lived or died, except maybe my sister Geena. But they certainly didn't give a flat fart about me, that's for damn sure. I once almost drowned at the beach and they just went along with their day, business as usual. Parents are a crapshoot, often because birth is like the genetic lottery. You just are brought into this world, against your will, and then whoever it turns out you're assigned to can range from amazing to outright shitbag. You're lucky in that at least your father is pretty good. You could've had it worse. You could've had my parents. Granted they never tried to kill eachother, but still. Purposeful negligence is almost as bad as malicious intent." Maddie nodded, listening, but not looking up from the table. Alexis had a point, she couldn't deny it. She had always thought that she had a good family, maybe not a great family exactly, but a decent enough one. But now she could see it for what it was, an out and out lie. Just a performance. But she did have her father, and he clearly loved her to death. He was trying so hard to be the best dad he could be for her. Just then Lilian came back to the table, grabbed her coat and took Maddie by the wrist, tugging her from the booth. "We have to go do something," Lilian said, "See y'all later." As they exited hastily, Alexis looked at Rina, who raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Did she just say 'y'all'?" Rina asked. "She's been spending too much time around Tyler," Alex replied. *** "Wow, that's...that's a lot," Jane said softly. She was seated on the end of her bed as Lilian paced in front of her, Maddie waiting in the living room. "I just...I thought maybe she would feel better to talk to a mom who...who...didn't try to kill her family members," Lilian said, "I don't exactly know what to say or do to help her, and you're the only person I could think of that might. She needs an adult, a real honest to god adult, not just someone like me or my friends who are still on the cusp of burdgeoning responsibility. She needs someone with life experience. She needs....you, mom. We need you." "Well, you know I've always offered to help if I can," Jane said, "let's go out there, sit with her, chat and see what we can come away with, alright? The worst that can come from it is that she doesn't feel better, but she could never feel worse, so that's good." With that, Jane stood up, pulled her hair back into a ponytail and, with Lilian, headed out of the bedroom, down the hall and to the living room where they found Maddie sitting on the couch, looking at a book she'd pulled off a nearby shelf. As they entered, she turned her head and glanced at them. "You sure have a lot of books about the arts," Maddie said, "especially ballet." "I love dance," Jane replied, "I wanted to be a dancer when I was a little girl, but my parents wouldn't spring for lessons. They thought the arts were frivilous indulgements, but that didn't kill my interest. I read all I could, practiced when I had the chance. Never got to actually get around to doing anything with it, but it's still a passion of mine. Do you have anything in particular that you believe in, love to do, more than anything else in the world?" Maddie thought about this for a few moments, then shook her head. "I don't...I don't think I ever really...got the chance to find anything," she said quietly, "my whole life was just school and being at home with my parents. I used to be in girl scouts, but that didn't last, and I never really had any friends, but not because nobody wanted to be but because I thought my parents were enough for me. Then I met Lily, and...I guess I realized that you don't have friends just because you want them, but you become friends with the people that really understand and accept you. Which, until then, was nobody." Jane glanced at Lilian, who was seated in a chair across from the couch, and smiled at her. Lilian just shrugged. "I like what we do together, the whole party thing," Maddie said, "but I can't say it's exactly what I wanna do my whole life, no offense." "None taken, I'm with you on that," Lilian said. "But, I'm still not sure what I would do if I had a choice," Maddie said, "I feel like I don't really know who I am. I think I spent so much time just seeing myself as my parents kid, that I never thought to, you know...be a person. Is that weird?" "Not at all," Jane said, putting a hand on Maddie's shoulder, "and we'll gladly help you." Lilian smiled warmly. She had had her doubts, as her relationship with her mother had always been somewhat rocky and shifting, but she knew that deep down she did care about others, and Lilian. That she really did like to help when and if she could. It was nice to see her try and do the right thing, even if she felt a bit jealous that she hadn't listened to Lilian herself this way when she had been a child. *** Alexis was walking down the hall of the hospital, heading to her room, when she heard shoes coming up behind her and was happy to see Rick walking alongside her now. She smiled and handed the open container from the diner to him. He gladly accepted, taking half of the sandwich she had in there and biting into it as they kept walking. "Where you been?" Rick asked. "I had a free day, so I went out with a friend for breakfast," Alexis said, "why, you miss me?" "God, am I that transparent?" Rick asked, making her blush; he continued eating the sandwich as she looked at her shoes while they went down the hall together. "Next time I have a free day, or you do, or whatever, maybe..." Alexis said, trailing off. She'd never once in her life struggled to talk to someone like this, and she wasn't used to it, nor did she like it, but finally she managed to continue, "...maybe we could go do something together. Kind of, like...a date, I guess. I mean, if you wanna do that, date me, or, fuck. I don't even know what it is I'm saying. I've never dealt with these kinds of feelings before." "I wanna show you something," Rick said, taking her by the wrist and leading her to his room. Once inside he locked the door, then instructed her to sit down in a chair, which she did. He then approached a covered up easel, and, grabbing at the end of the sheet over it, tugged it off and revealed a painting. A painting of her. A painting that looked like it'd been done by a professional with years of experience. "Did...did you pay someone to do this?" Alexis asked. "No! I did this!" Rick said, laughing, "when my sister and I were growing up, our folks threw a lot of money at us, hobby wise, so we both got really into painting, sculpting, whatever. That's part of why she's a baker now. Cause that was one of the ones that clicked for her most. I always liked painting though. Did it for years. I always...I always found it was a good alternative to keep myself off drugs. Even though I, ya know, always wound up back on drugs." "It's beautiful," Alexis whispered. "Well, that's cause you're beautiful," Rick said, approaching her, kneeling in front of the chair and taking her hands in his own, adding, "I would absolutely love to go out with you the next time we both have a free day, yes. I'll ask my sister for some money, so I can take you somewhere nice and-" "We don't need to go anywhere nice, I'm a pretty easy going lady," Alexis said, snickering, "believe me, I won't say no to fast food." "Yeah, sure, neither would I, but I feel like you've never been treated to something, and you deserve to be," Rick said, surprising her; he finally looked up from their hands at her face and smiled, "you really deserve to be. I wanna do that for you, please." Alexis nodded, then looked over her shoulder at the door. "That locked well?" she asked. "Yeah, why?" "Cause I wanna make out, and I don't wanna be interrupted," she said, making Rick laugh. *** "The kid'll be okay," Jane said. She and Lilian were standing in the kitchen, washing a few dishes while Maddie sat outside on a tree swing. Lilian wiped off a mug and handed it to her mother, clearing her throat as she gripped yet another mug and started the cycle over again. "How come you never did that for me?" Lilian asked, "talked that openly, encouraged me to do pursue my own interests?" "I did the best I could, Lily," Jane said, turning to face her, "I...I didn't expect to be a mom. It wasn't on my itinerary, believe me. And my own folks were...well, let's just say I didn't have much experience to pull from, example wise. I screwed up, I know that, but I tried. I tried so hard. I hope you believe me. All I wanted was for you to feel special, like you were the best, and for everyone else to see it too." Lilian handed her mom this new mug and she put it aside with the other clean dishes. Lilian then sighed, set her washclothe down on the countertop and turned to look at her mother, who turned back to look at her. Neither woman said anything, but Lilian wanted to. She had so many things she wanted to say. "I'm an adult and I don't know what I want to do," Lilian said, on the verge of tears, "I...I like what I do, but it isn't something I wanna do forever. But I also don't know what else I want to do. Like Maddie, I don't really know who I am or what I'm really interested in. It's like I grew up into a blank template of a person. Like I'm an uncolored page from a coloring book. All the pieces are there, but nothing is filled in. It...it's hard to know what...who...I am." "You're my daughter," Jane said, "but that's an identifier, not an identity. It's just a place to start, to grow from. You might be my child, but you're your own adult. Start with that." Jane put her hand son Lilian's arms, then pulled her in for a hug. "I really did try my best," she whispered. "I know mom," Lilian replied, "we all did." By the time Lilian and Maddie were leaving, it had started raining lightly. Jane sent them home with some food, and even gave Maddie a few books of her choosing on subjects she was possibly interested in. As Lilian drove, she couldn't help but think that this was the single most productive instance of interacting with her mother in maybe her entire life, and it all came thanks to Maddie. She pulled up to a red light and stopped the car, the windshield wipers squeaking gently. She glanced over at Maddie, looking out the window. "You okay?" Lilian asked. "She killed a child. A child my age. She meant to kill my father. She might've even tried to kill me if she'd succeeded. She told me she never really wanted to have me. My mother kills people. But, if today taught me anything, it's that I might not know what I wanna be, but I do know what I don't wanna be," Maddie said. "And what's that?" "My mother." "Well," Lilian said, "that's certainly a start." Brian had to almost wonder if he'd just hallucinated what he'd heard. His eyes wide, his mouth slackjawed, he couldn't even fathom what his soon to be ex-wife Jessie had said. He just stared dead ahead at her, unsure of how to even parse the information. After a few minutes, he started looking absentmindedly around at everything alse nearby and then finally his eyesight landed back on hers, and she just looked away.
"Come again?" he finally asked. "I said it was meant for you," Jessie said quietly. "That's what I thought you said," Brian said. An impasse. How does one even go forward from an admission of that caliber? He shook his head slowly, running his hands through his hair as Jessie crossed her legs. Brian finally looked back at her, chewing on his nails anxiously. He couldn't believe it. After all the years they'd been together, having a child together, a seemingly okay marriage, and now this? He didn't even know how to respond or react. Part of him wanted to storm out. Part of him wanted to shriek and scream. Part of him wanted to just simply break down and cry uncontrollably, because...because how does one react when they learn their spouse had tried to kill them? No, not the poisoning. He'd suspected that. But this was an admission of attempted murder long before that. Back during Maddie's birthday party. He finally looked back at her, and still couldn't find the words. Would he ever? That would remain to be seen, but he'd try. After all, he only had so much time for visitation. *** "Okay, now you go," Rick said, handing Alexis his glass soda bottle. She took a long swig, wiped her mouth on her arm and then nodded, watching and waiting. "I spy, with my little eye, someone with a very clear meth addiction," Alexis said, and Rick cackled as he started to scope out the potential candidate. Alexis had to admit, ever since meeting Rick, her enjoyment in rehab had certainly improved threefold. At first she felt so alone, so ignored or misunderstood, but now she had someone on her side - other than John, of course - and that helped so much. "That lady right there," Rick said, pointing towards a young woman pulling her hair ends into her mouth and chewing on them. Alex nodded, and they both started laughing. She handed him back his soda and he took a long drink, then burped, which made Alex laugh more. Was it morally correct to make fun of others here, who maybe weren't doing as well as they seemed to be? No, not really, but they didn't care. Whatever helped them get through the day. Besides, it wasn't like they weren't self degrading enough as it was to make up the difference. "So, you got any plans for when you get out?" Rick asked, and Alexis laughed. "I don't know, man, the world might've changed so much during my time on the inside, I might not manage to get accustomed to it," she remarked, making him cackle again; she loved making him laugh, but she did answer his question, saying, "Actually, I'll probably just go back to work, honestly. I love my coworkers and what I do." "And what is it you do?" Rick asked. "I dress up as a pirate for themed parties," Alexis said, "it's a pretty good job, honestly." "You've got total pirate vibes, I could see it," Rick said, making Alexis blush as she looked down at her shoes. Rick put his hand on hers on the cement ledge of the flower planter they were sitting on, and she blushed even harder. Part of her hated herself, she had never let a guy get to her like this before, but Rick was not the ordinary guy she ran into. Not some creep or weirdo. He was...just a mess like her, and not shy about it. And he was here, clearly trying to get better. She admired that. With her free hand, she pushed her hair back behind her ear and looked over at him, noticing he was looking at her. "What?" she asked. "Nothing," he said, "nothing just...sitting here in front of the flowers, it doesn't seem very fair, you know? Forcing them to compete with you." Alexis giggled like an idiot and looked away again, which made him grin. He then squeezed her hand and she squeezed back happily. Turned out rehab had become the best thing to happen to her, and not even for the reasons one would expect. *** "How about this?" Rina asked, holding up a long, sleek black dress with wispy tears at the bottom and at the ends of the sleeves. Lilian chewed on her lip, admiring it for a moment, before shaking her head. Rina looked at it and then looked back at Lilian and asked, "why not? What's wrong with it?" "It's too....college girl trying to be a slutty witch for Halloween sort of thing. Which, I mean, good for her, she should own her sexuality, but it wouldn't fit for what you're trying to do," Lilian said, "we're doing parties for kids mostly, not trying to get laid at a mixer like Janet." "Janet?" "She's the slutty witch at college," Lilian said. "Do you just always make up people for your explanations?" Rina asked, chuckling as she slid the dress back on a hanger and placed it back on the rack, searching for another. "Sad thing is," Lilian said, "she's not even the biggest problem in their house. I mean, don't get me wrong, her parents are exactly comfortable with her flaunting her newfound sexual freedom or anything, but it's the 21st century. They're used to liberated, independent women. They're far more concerned with her little brother, who's a cheerleader with murderous interests." "What is wrong with you?" Rina asked, the both of them cracking up; she then made a squealing noise as she yanked another dress from the rack and showing it to Lilian. This was was a little more shapeless, but still hugged the hips to keep it on her, and had a v-neck but wasn't a plunging neckline. Rina shook her head, almost in a "do you accept it?" sort of manner. "That's...not bad, actually," Lilian said, "But we need to find a hat to go with it. Let's go see if we could find a hat." Together, Lilian and Rina headed off to the hat department of the costume shop, dress hung over Rina's arm as they walked. "How did you find your costume?" Rina asked, and Lilian sighed. "Actually," she said, "my main one, my favorite one, was hand stitched by my grandmother for my mothers high school prom. But she made it too elegant, too much like a princess dress, and my mother refused to wear it. When I told my grandma about what I wanted to do for work, she dug it out of the attic and gave it to me, happy to see it being useful after all." "That's a nice story," Rina said, smiling, reaching out and grabbing a witch hat, plopping it on her head and asking, "What about this?" "That's the kind of hat Janet would wear, come on," Lilian said. "I think Janet has good taste then!" Rina remarked, the both of them cracking up. Lilian had always liked Rina, and likewise the other way around, but aside from their tenuous attachement to Maddie at best, they'd never really had a reason to hang out. Rina was honestly, frustrating as it might be, happy about her money troubles if only because it meant now she got the chance to really get to know Lilian as a friend, and that's something she'd always really wanted. Lilian had just accepted Rina at face value, and not based on her parents wealth, or her race, or anything else. She just took her as she was, and that was something Rina wasn't often given, so when she was, she was appreciative of it. And she also liked how well Lilian treated Maddie, and now, seeing them live together the way they were, she really was happy their paths had all crossed the way they had. "Well, I think I need a broom," Rina said, "It'll help actually cause it won't be just a prop but after the party I can help clean up and maybe get a bigger tip." "That's...not a bad idea, actually," Lilian said, "Let's go find a broom. Just...try not to be all Janet about it." "Is Janet based on a real person?" Rina asked, "because this all oddly extremely specific." *** "It wasn't meant to get mixed in," Jessie said, sitting in the awkward, uncomfortable silence of their conjugal meeting room; she wiped at her red eyes and continued, her voice shaky, "uh...that was an accident. I kept it separate because I wanted to give it to you specifically, a sort of 'hey, I know you like these' kind of thing, but then one of the other women at the house that day thought it had just been left behind so she put it into the pinata." "Why didn't the coroner notice it was poisoned?" Brian asked, "I mean, wouldn't that have shown up on bloodwork results during an autosopy?" "I was as surprised as you are about that, actually, but I think because the kid had a peanut allergy, and it did happen to have peanuts in it, they took that as fact," Jessie said, "Honestly, I was shocked. I was sure they would find that. But I guess it was just overlooked." Brian sighed and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. "Why would you wanna kill me, Jess? What did I do to you?" "It isn't...it isn't about what you did to me," Jessie replied, "um...I just didn't see another way out. A divorce would be a longed, dragged out process that would scar Maddie for life-" "And her father dying wouldn't?" he asked snappily. "-and you made more money than me, let's be honest, and I wouldn't have been given custody, not that I would've wanted it anyway," Jess said, "I didn't want a child. You did. I only gave into it because...because I thought if I didn't, you wouldn't want to stay married to me. But then she comes along, and you give her all your spare attention, and...I don't know. Maybe I'm just really sick in the head." "That's a factor, certainly," Brian said, "but it's just that, a factor, not a full on explanation. You don't get to get off that easily after doing something so monstrous. You say you didn't wanna scar Maddison, then you, inadvertantly, kill a kid at her birthday party and then poison her father after he has a heart attack. I mean, if you didn't want her, what would you have done once I was gone? Dumped her on a relative or something?" Jessie shrugged and looked away again. She couldn't look Brian in the eye. "...you could've just wanted to leave," Brian continued, "I would've let you. If you were that unhappy, I would've given you a substantial amount to survive on til you got on your feet, you wouldn't have had to take Maddie with you, none of this would've happened. You could've just left, Jess. But I'm glad you didn't." "You are?" "Yeah, I'm glad you did what you did, cause now the whole fuckin' world knows what kind of desperate person you are, and the lengths you'll go to get what you want. You're self obsessed, and nobody with that amount of ego should be able to walk freely among others. You're a risk to the public. I don't know what happened to the woman I met, the woman I loved, but you aren't her." A long pause, and Jessie sighed, nodding. "You're right, I'm not," she said. And that was the moment they acknowledge their marriage was truly over. *** Alexis and Rick were still outside, now sitting on a bench. Well, Rick was sitting on the bench, Alex was laying on it with her head in his lap. The sun was starting to go down, and they'd have to head back inside anytime now, but for the moment, this was a small creature comfort they could enjoy together. "...I hate sunsets," Alexis said, making Rick almost spit out his drink in laughter. "God, you're like an anti romantic!" he said, making her chuckle. "I just...I don't like knowing that another day is coming, you know? When you live with depression, especially depression as serious as I have, it's hard to wanna continue to see another day. You fight just to get through every 24 hour period as it is, and...and when you finally get through it, you're like, well, here comes another one, oh boy. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful, but they're representative of the future. A future that, frankly, I'm not sure that I want." "What kind of future do you want?" Rick asked, "like, if you could do anything after you get out of here, I mean I know you said you love your job and all but, what kind of future would you like to have?" Alexis thought about this for a moment as she continued to pull the petals off a flower in her hands. "I don't know. Something where I get to go home at the end of the day and...and I feel safe and seen and understood. Where I'm not judged for my actions, but accepted in spite of them. Something where I look forward to the sun rising, not feel sad because it's setting," Alexis said, "I want to want to live." Rick nodded, listening. He looked down at her, and she looked up at him, her hands, flower between them, resting on her chest. A few people walked by, and he slowly leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. She was expecting it, yet still surprised somehow. She let go of the flower and took his face between her hands, kissing him back. After their lips parted, their foreheads still together, he smirked at her, and she blushed. "That does sound like a nice future," he said, "I want you to want to live too." Alexis had never had much experience, and even less success, in the romance department. For a long time, she questioned what she even preferred, because she'd never really been with anyone in any kind of way that was meaningful. But here, now, being kissed during a sunset while holding a flower, she realized what she was was actually a hopeless romantic, and she knew now that the thing she wanted more than getting sober, was the hope of having someone be sober with her. "I'm gonna kiss you again," Rick whispered. "You damn well better," she replied softly, the both of them laughing lightly as he did. *** Lilian and Rina, having found the right costume for her witch persona, were now sitting at a noodle shop, eating two different kinds of soups. Seated in the booth as it had started to rain a little outside, neither one said a word, and it was a comfortable kind of silence they both appreciated being able to have between them. Lilian always felt like she had to fill every moment with someone else with dialogue of some sort, but with Rina, she could just exist, and that was nice. "Did you bring me here just cause I'm Chinese?" Rina asked, and Lilian laughed. "Look, if you were Mexican I still would've come here, it's cheap and it's nearby," Lilian said, "I swear I'm not a racist on purpose." Rina laughed as she lifted her bowl to her lips and drank some of the broth. After she finished she set the bowl back down and sighed, looking around at the other people in the restaurant. She then turned her gaze back on Lilian, who was slurping a few thick noodles and a piece of beef in between her teeth. "How is Maddie doing?" Rina asked. "She's...having a bit of a hard time right now," Lilian said, "she started her period, so that was fun, and then she went to have a visit with her mother. Been a rough few weeks. But she's doing as well as one could expect a kid her age to be doing. Little fucker's resiliant." "Indeed she is!" Rina agreed, laughing, "that's good though, I'm glad she feels comfortable with you guys. I'm glad she had somewhere safe to go. If given the option, I wouldn't have been able to house her, just because I'm still in school and stuff and live with my folks. So I'm glad she had somewhere, someone, to turn to in her time of need. Believe me, if things were different and I was capable of doing so, I would've in a heartbeat. Love that kid." "She's lucky," Lilian said, setting her spoon in her bowl and wiping her mouth on her napkin, "like...when we were kids, granted there's a bit of an age difference between you and I but not much, we didn't have a whole support system, you know? We had our parents, and maybe a cool aunt or uncle, but on the whole, we didn't have an entire village helping to raise us. Maddie has so many adults who care about her, and that's...that's really cool. I'm happy to be a part of that." "I think people realized at a certain point that a child shouldn't be solely dependent on their parents, you know, especially for emotional needs," Rina said, "parents can suck." "Indeed," Lilian said, nodding in agreement, thinking of her own mother, "but sometimes they try, they just don't know how to do it very well, and that's worth recognizing too. Her father is like that. He can't be worse than her mom, after all." *** Maddie, much like her father, didn't know how to react or respond to the information she'd just had laid bare before her. Maddie was spending the night with her father and his home nurse, and after Brian had come home, and told her exactly what her mother had told him, her whole worldview changed within a minute. She just couldn't fathom that someone who claimed they loved someone, had married them as a way to express that love, had a child with them as a way to further that proof of love...would want to then kill said person. It just didn't compute for her. Maddie was now lying in her old bedroom on the floor, staring at the ceiling and her glow in the dark stars, and she wanted to just scream and swear, denounce her mother, but she'd already said what she needed to to her, nothing more really had to be done or could be done that would further prove her disinterest in their dissolved parent/child relationship. All she could think of was her classmates face during those final moments, and how it had been meant for her father. And if her mother was capable of doing that to him...to someone that she she had once loved... ...what might she have done to Maddie if given the chance? To someone she'd openly admitted to never having wanted? Lilian was seated at the breakfast table, waiting for Miranda to finish cooking. She sipped from her coffee mug - Maddie was still asleep, but only because she had a full day ahead - until Miranda came and stopped at the table, putting a plate of bacon down before picking one up and biting into it herself. Lilian smiled, took a piece for herself and together they stayed there in silence, eating their respective bacon. Miranda ran her fingers through Lilian's hair and Lilian shut her eyes, enjoying the sensation. These early mornings where they got time to be alone were so special to her, and she wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Miranda sat down while the pancakes behind her bubbled.
"I think the thing I like the most about being in a relationship," Miranda said, "is that it allows me to cook for others more often than I normally would." "That's certainly a good reason," Lilian replied, nodding. "That and I've doubled my wardrobe considering we're about the same size," Miranda added, smirking. "You steal so much of my clothes," Lilian remarked, laughing. As Miranda and Lillian kissed a little and continued to eat, a knock came at the front door, and both looked in the direction of the door, then at one another. Lilian got up and headed to the door, wiping her hands on her pajama pants. Pulling the door open, however, left her surprised even more, because not only was it unusual to get a visitor at this time in the morning, but that visitor happened to be, of all people, Rina. "Oh!" Lilian said, happy to see her, "Hey! It's been a while." "Can I come in?...do I smell breakfast?" Rina asked. "Well, it is breakfast time," Lilian replied, "but sure, come on in. Is everything okay? Are you here to see Maddie?" "Actually no, I'm here to see you," Rina said, "...I need a job." *** Alexis had never gone to a "meeting" before. Least, not for anything outside of work. But especially not one meant to help her with her issues. Standing in the room in the hospital, eating cookies from the snack table, she scanned the room, watching for anything or anyone interesting and, much to her disappointment but not surprisingly, she saw nothing that piqued her interest. It was another hour until they had their lunch break and John would be here with their subs, but until then she would just suck it up. Course, she probably shouldn't fill up on cookies if she was planning on having lunch. "You like 'em?" a voice standing beside her suddenly asked, spooking her. "Jesus, don't sneak up on people like that," Alexis said, turning her head to see a man about her age with scruffy brown hair and wearing jeans and a long sleeved baseball tee standing beside her. "Sorry, didn't mean to give you a heart attack. Just was curious if you liked the cookies. My sister made 'em for me, but I figured I'd share with the group," he said. "How very kind of you," Alexis said, "yeah, they're good, peanut butter is the best cookie. Tell your sister she's good at baking." "Oh she knows, she owns a bakery," the man said. Alexis smirked as she picked up another cookie and bit into it. "I'm Rick," the man said, "what are you in for?" "Alexis," Alex replied, "I almost OD'd, but...not on purpose." "Fair enough," Rick said, "I did the same." "Yeah?" Alexis asked, now having her attention caught, seeing as this was someone who potentially actually understood her ordeals. "Yeah," Rick said, "yeah, uh, I was using and I...I just was sloppy. My sister found me using and having a seizure, and took me to the hospital and then said if she paid for it, I could come here to try and get better, so here I am. Been here...oof...6 months now? 7? It's hard. Especially because, personally, I don't have any interest in being sober." "Why's that?" Alex asked. "Cause why should I? The world is shit enough without having to be sober in it," Rick said, shrugging and Alex nodded. She understood that...and that scared her. She didn't want to let John down, but she'd be lying if she said she didn't miss the feeling. Miss the idea of just letting herself go and forget about all her problems for a little bit. Now, instead, she lived with her issues every single day and that was far more painful. "Well," Alexis said, "at least we have cookies." "Yeah, I'll tell my sister we'll just OD on cookies now," Rick said, the both of them chuckling. For the first time since being in the hospital, Alexis was finally starting to feel like maybe it wasn't so hopeless and empty after all. Maybe there was something special to be found here. *** "You scared?" Miranda asked as she parked the car and Maddie exhaled, nodding a little; Miranda smiled softly and kissed the side of Maddie's head, adding, "hey, if it gets to be too much, you can just come right back out here and we'll go get something for lunch, okay? You don't have to stay here. You're doing her a favor, don't forget that, you're the one with power in this situation, alright?" "Thanks," Maddie said, also smiling now, appreciative of Miranda's comfort and advice. She opened the door and climbed out of the car, heading towards the prison. Miranda watched as she approached the doors, spoke with a guard, only to be turned away. Maddie came back to the car, as Miranda rolled down her window and Maddie said, "they won't let me in without an adult." "Well we should probably go find one then," Miranda said, the both of them laughing as she climbed out of the car and took Maddie's hand, the both of them heading back to the prison doors, only to be let in this time. Once inside, they immediately felt uncomfortable. It was a perfect temperature inside the building, and the facility was clean as clean could be, but just knowing people were living their entire lives here...it unnerved them both. Miranda had only been to a prison once, to see an uncle for Christmas one year, and after that she refused to ever go back. But she couldn't let Maddie go through with this alone. After a bit of walk, they finally reached the visitation spaces. Miranda seated herself on a small couch a ways away to give Maddie privacy, and Maddie sat down on one side of the glass that separated herself from her mother. Jessie smiled seeing her daughter, but Maddie didn't smile back. "You look good," Jessie said, "I'm so glad we finally get to see eachother." "...I only came cause I wanted to tell you something I didn't get to the night they arrested you," Maddie said, and Jessie's eyebrows raised and in suspense. Maddie cleared her throat and exhaled, as she added, "you deserved this. You're a bad person." "There's a lot you don't know about," Jessie said, "about marriage in particular, and...and how difficult it is to get out of marriage in a way that benefits you. Men have all the power, I would've lost-" "Shut up mom," Maddie said, surprising not only herself but also Miranda and Jessie as she continued with, "nothing is worth killing someone for, unless maybe they're trying to kill you first. You hurt dad so bad he's still trying to recover. You ruined my whole childhood. I am so mad at myself that I believed you for so long and let you continue to hurt dad and-" "I actually needed to speak to you because I need you to ask your father to come see me," Jessie said, interrupting, "there's things he and I have to discuss, and I know he won't come if I just ask, but he will if you do." "So even now you're just using me? You didn't care to see me at all?" Maddie asked, on the verge of tears, "...you're a bad mom." Jessie sighed and nodded. She knew she was a bad mom. Truth be told, she'd never wanted to be a mom in the first place, but she'd never tell Maddie that at least. She looked down at her hands before looking back up at Maddie and their eyes locked. "I'm sorry," Jessie whispered and Maddie shook her head in disgust. "I'll ask dad to come," she said, "but I never want to speak to you again. This is where you belong. Where you can't hurt anyone else while pretending to love them." With that, Maddie pulled away from the glass pane and stood back up, heading back to Miranda. Jessie watched as this unknown woman took her daughter by the hand and walked out of the prison with her. And the worst part was...she couldn't even defend or justify her actions reliably, nor defend the truths her own daughter has just dropped on her. She was, in fact, a bad mom. A bad person. She did deserve to be in here. But if only Maddie knew. If only Maddie knew the truth. Would it help? Probably not. But context is important. *** Lilian and Rina were seated in the living room, eating from a big bowl of chips as Lilian, pad in hand, asked Rina questions. Rina posted her legs up on the coffee table and sighed, shrugging as Lilian asked again. "You really don't have any affinity towards any particular caricature?" she asked, and Rina shook her head. "Not really," she said, "I mean, what've you got already? A clown, a princess, a pirate, a mermaid and a cowboy? What mythological figure is left?" "Okay first of all, cowboys aren't mythological figures," Lilian said, the both of them laughing as she continued, saying, "and second, more importantly, it doesn't have to be something amazing or unique. Hell, I'm a princess. I'm the most cliche choice imaginable! You never had a, like, fairytale character that you identified with?" Rina thought, chewing on her lip. When she was a little girl, she had read a TON, and a lot of those stories were, admittedly, fantasy based. Yet, she felt weird choosing something like an elf, that just seemed so boring and ordinary and overdone. Then, Rina sat upright and grinned wide as she looked at Lilian, who cocked her head in suspense, waiting to see what Rina had thought of. "A witch," Rina said, and Lilian raised an eyebrow. "Really?" she asked, "a witch? Well, that's definitely not one we have yet, that's for sure. We actually don't have any kind of horror based characters, so you're in uncharted territory with this one. That's pretty cool." "You don't think it'd scare kids?" Rina asked. "Nah, adults forget that, as kids, we loved being scared. Spooky shit was taboo and a lot of fun," Lilian said, "obviously I can't speak for all kids, some are just out and out scaredy cats, but whatever. You'll find an audience. Now, you'll need a costume, so we can go to the nice costume place downtown in the next few days and I'll call Vera about getting you on payroll." Lilian finally put the pad and pen down and looked at Rina. "What made you wanna do this?" Lilian asked, "I'm just curious." "...well...it all comes down to the fact that I need extra money, and I already know you guys. But...I don't know, I've just been trying desperately, and failing, at finding something to do that isn't just babysitting. This seems like a cooler form of babysitting. Plus you all seem like really good friends, and...I could use some friends, frankly," Rina said, looking down at her hands in her lap, admiring her nails. "Hey, whatever the reason is, we can make it work," Lilian replied, "everyone is welcome here. That's obvious." Rina and Lilian looked at one another and smiled. They'd only met a handful of times, admittedly, but they'd always gotten along, and it seemed now like Rina was reaching out for companionship, and Lilian was more than in a stable place to provide it for her. Hell, Maddie was already entrenched in her life, why not her former babysitter as well? For the next little bit, Rina and Lilian went over potential costume ideas, ranging from classic Halloween art witches to gothic witches to stereotypical green witches to anything and everything they could think of, all the while laughing and having a good time. The irony of Rina's choice couldn't be dismissed, however. In far too many fairytales that Lilian had read growing up, witches were the ones more often than not to curse princesses in one form or another. So the fact that a witch and a princess would be willingly working together, being close friends, it was sort of beautiful to break that preconceived notion of what two fictional archetypes might usually be like when paired up. And if Lilian was all about anything these days, it was about breaking through societies perceived barriers of identity. *** Alexis and Rick were walking through the garden, heading to the cafeteria after the meeting. Alexis hated how much she already enjoyed his company, because she hated admitting to herself that she enjoyed anyones company outside of Lilian and John, but Rick had a self assured sense of sureness about himself that she couldn't help but find admirable, especially because she herself felt so uncertain about who she was most of the time. "I worked with her for a little while, at the bakery," Rick said, "but eventually the load became too much to handle and, if we're being honest, I'm not a baker by any means. I can't do math to save my life, and baking is all about measurements." "Then what do you do if you don't bake for a living?" Alex asked. "I'm a magician," Rick said, "for parties and stuff, nothing serious. But it's enjoyable, and I'm good at it and I make good money." "That's so cool," Alex replied, "I always liked magic." As she looked away momentarily, thinking she'd spotted John, Rick pulled a handful of flowers off a nearby bush and presented them to her, which made her laugh. "You didn't make those spontaneously appear," she said, "you just stole them." "And you say that like crime isn't magical," Rick replied, the both of them laughing as he handed them to her, and she graciously accepted, smelling them. That was the moment it hit her. She'd never once smelt a flower, let alone a flower given to her by someone...let alone been given flowers by someone. No, she knew what this feeling was, and that scared her. But she'd always had a type, and Rick definitely fit that. She blushed a little and looked away, which made him laugh all the more. "Are you just gonna go back to magic once you're out of here?" Alexis asked as they continued walking and he shrugged. "Eh, probably, but like I said, it's not really my lifelong career. Not sure what it is I'd like to really do, but magic ain't it," Rick said, "though it does make me pretty popular with the ladies." "Wow, a magician who knows women? You're a real rarity in your field," Alexis remarked, making him smirk. "Well, I know you don't I? And look at how well we've gotten along just in the short time we've been talking. You could almost say I've made your insecurities..." Rick said, waving his hands in front of her, "...disappear." "Wow, you're a DORK," Alexis said, the both of them cackling. Rick's watched suddenly beeped, and he sighed. "I gotta go, I have a one on one therapy appointment, but if you're not busy later, and let's face it who in rehab is, come seek me out, I'll teach you some card tricks," Rick said, and Alexis nodded meekly. As she watched him walk off, she hated herself for acting so stereotypically girly. She'd never been like this before, not even with other guys she'd liked, but here she was, playing the role of the weak willed femme easily wiled by a handsome mans hand tricks. She heard footsteps approach and the sound of a paper bag rustling, and turned to see John coming up to her. "Where'd you get flowers from?" John asked. "From over there," she said, pointing back to where Rick had taken them. "I brought lunch," John said, holding up the bag. "Thank god, all I've eaten were cookies," Alex said as they started to head in the direction of the cafeteria again. "God, you're like a child," John replied. *** Maddie's father Brian was laying in his bed, reading a book. His home hospice nurse opened the door, came in, set down a tray with some snacks and water and then left as the phone began to ring. He picked up the glass and took a long sip before noticing she was returning, handing the phone to him. He furrowed his brow, confused as to who would be calling him. It wasn't like his married life had allowed him any friends. He took the phone and put it to his face, speaking weakly. "Hello?" "Daddy, it's me," Maddie said, and his face lit up. "Hi sweetheart! How are you?" he asked. "I'm...okay," Maddie said, "um...mommy wants you to meet with her." And whatever joy he'd just been given he lost just as quickly. Miranda and Lilian hadn't had a proper date night in ages, it felt like, and she was excited to do just that. Standing in front of the vanity mirror of their bedroom, Miranda finished applying her eye makeup before turning her attention to her lipstick, and then began brushing her hair. Lilian got out from the bathroom in the hall and entered the bedroom, leaning down behind Miranda and pressing her lips against her neck and making her blush and laugh. Lilian then went to get dressed herself, as Miranda finished up. They had called Vera and asked if she wouldn't mind babysitting, and she said she'd be more than happy to, so Maddie was packing an overnight bag in her bedroom as the girls prepared for their night out.
Before they knew it, they were already at Vera's. Miranda waited in the car, while Lilian took Maddie inside and up to Vera's comfortable loft apartment. However, when the door was opened, she was surprised to, instead of Vera, find Tyler there. He smiled at them and invited them in, which they graciously accepted. "Didn't know you were gonna be here," Lilian said. "Almost always am these days. Getting to the point where I'm wondering why I'm even renting my own place anymore," Tyler said, heading back into the kitchen as Vera came out from the hallway and smiled. "Hi guys!" she said cheerfully. This was the happiest Lilian had seen Vera in....months? Years? Hell, it was hard to know. Ever since taking over the company it seemed like Vera's attitude had taken a perpetual plunge into uncertainty most days. But regardless, it was nice seeing her smiling again. Maddie approached Vera, putting her overnight bag down and hugging her, Vera patting her back. "Thanks so much for doing this," Lilian said. "John not available?" Vera asked. "Actually he was who I called first," Lilian said, "but no, he said he already had plans. Anyway we both really appreciate it. I'll be by sometime in the early afternoon to pick her up." "Take your time," Vera said, as Maddie headed into the kitchen to see what Tyler was doing; Vera approached Lilian and lowered her voice, taking Lilian a bit away from the living room area and said, "actually, I'm glad we were the ones able to do this, because...well..." Vera glanced back at Tyler and sighed. "...we've talked about having a family," Vera said. "You're not even married," Lilian replied. "Gee, look at Miss Tradition over here," Vera remarked, making Lilian laugh as she continued, adding, "no, we know that and we don't have real interest in getting married honestly. It's just...it's not for us. But we have talked at length about having a family, and this will be a good instance for us to see how we'd handle that sort of lifestyle." "Well then, I'm glad to be of service," Lilian said, before giving Vera a little hug and saying goodbye to all three before heading back to the car. As she climbed in and shut the door, she suddenly felt Miranda grabbing her and turning her to face her, pressing her lips against Lilians, making Lilian laugh as they kissed. This was going to be a good night for a change, which was something they all really needed. *** John, as it turned out, actually did had plans. That wasn't just an excuse. A few times a month, he was able to take Star to his place for a few days for some private bonding time, and the date that night just so happened to coincide with that current visit. At that moment, John was preparing dinner as Star sat on the floor, cross legged, watching a TV show clearly aimed at preschoolers. As he heard her laugh joyfully, he looked up and smiled. He was just happy to have her in his presence, even if she wasn't on the same intellectual level as he was. He didn't care. Star was his daughter, and he loved her to hell and back. A knock came at the door, and for a brief moment, he considered the fact that it might be someone from the trailer park looking to converse, but upon pulling the door open, instead he was greeted by another face on the opposite side of the screen. Geena, Alexis's sister. "Oh," he said, "hey, hi, uh...do you...do you wanna come in, or?" "No, that's okay, if you have company," Geena said, waving her hand. "It's just my daughter, please, come in, she's watching TV, she won't bother us," John said, stepping aside as Geena pulled the screen door towards her, smiling and heading into the trailer. She saw immediately the grown woman John had referred to as his daughter, and got curious, but figured she'd better save her inquisition for later on. She followed him back to the kitchen area. "What are you making?" "I am cooking steaks," John said, "what are you even doin' here? How'd you even find me?" "Yeah, no, that's a fair question," Geena said, chuckling, "um, it's because the hospital has you listed as Alexis's primary caregiver. That includes your address." "And they just give that information out to people?" John asked, sounding incredulous, "that's absurd." "Well, you know, I'm actually her sister, so," Geena replied, "anyway I'm not mad, I just wanted to talk to you about her." "Is everything okay?" John asked as he flipped the steaks over in the pan and looked at Geena. "Well, I just...I guess I don't understand, and I'd like to understand," Geena said, "and please don't take this as me not being appreciative of what you've done, and been doing, because I really genuinely am, as I'm sure she is as well, but I guess I just need clarification and context and...some other synonym that starts with a C. Because, near as I can figure, you're taking care of her for the sake of taking care of her and that...that's just....decency I'm unfamiliar with." At this John finally cracked up, which made Geena feel embarrassed. He put his utensils on the counter and approached her. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't mean to, uh, make fun of you or anything, that really isn't my intent," he said, "please um, you're just so forward. No, you're not wrong, I am just doing it because it's the right thing to do. My family was torn apart by addiction, and so I...I know what it's like to come out the other side of that. After hearing about her own adolescence, I guess it's just hard for me to reconcile with the fact that your parents just don't give a shit about her." "To be fair, they don't really give a shit about anybody," Geena said, "they're pretty self absorbed." "Right," John replied, nodding, leaning on the countertop across from Geena, scratching the back of his head and adding, "and I don't think that's okay. I think...I think everyone needs a parental figure in their life, of one variety or another. Found family, blood family, whatever it is...you need that. Mentor. Etc. The world shouldn't feel so small and scary to people trying to navigate it for the first time, regardless of age. So I took it upon myself to be that for your sister, partially because I've been where she's been on both ends. I had addictions, and I lost people to addictions. It's...it's just the right thing to do. Do you want a steak?" Geena smiled, and nodded slowly. Why not have a little dinner? She'd made the trip here. *** Bernard's, a lovely bistro in the heart of downtown, was where Lilian had set her eyes for their date that night, and it was easy for Miranda to understand why once they were there. The place was quiet, with dim lighting and soft music. The exact kind of place one would expect a romantic evening to unfurl. Sitting at their table, looking around at the paintings and photos on the surrounding walls, Miranda couldn't help but feel like a very lucky lady. "It's weird when they name a restaurant after a person," Lilian finally said, interrupting Miranda's thought process, and making her chuckle as well. "It is, I agree," Miranda replied, "like, is Bernard cooking the food, or are we eating Bernard? Which one is it?" "I bet Bernard is chewy," Lilian said, "though, perhaps dinner isn't the best place to discuss the ins and outs of a topic such as cannibalism." "When would be?" Miranda remarked, the both of them laughing. "You look beautiful," Lilian said, taking Miranda by surprise, making her blush; Lilian continued, "like, I don't think I compliment you often enough, and I feel like I should do it more, because you really do look beautiful. I know it's a lot of effort, moreso in your case obviously, but...it's paid off. You've changed so much since we met, and...and I just...you're beautiful." Miranda blushed deeper, averting her eyes, feeling like she was going to start crying if she continued to look at Lilian's face. Lilian reached across the table and touched her face gently with her knuckles, making Miranda sniffle. "This used to be my fantasy, you know?" Miranda said quietly, almost a whisper, "like...how boring, right? Just being a girl, being out with a girl, being in love with said girl as a girl. It's...sad, really. To have such mundane fantasies. But I used to just lay in bed after lights out as a kid and think about this sort of thing. I didn't even want the exciting romantic stuff, like, where you come to terms with your feelings for one another or maybe a love triangle, no I just...I just wanted the already committed relationship." "Well then," Lilian said, "I'm glad I can give that to you. Everyone deserves to have at least one dream come true." Lilian then leaned forward and pressed her lips against Miranda's, and after the kiss ended, both felt giddy. Each, for whatever varying reasons, had never really had much lucky with romance, so it was nice to find that comfort with one another. They just needed to make sure they had more regularly scheduled date nights from now on. Much as each enjoyed playing parenthood, it was important for them to have nights to themselves as well. Which was funny, because that was the exact opposite thing Vera was discovering that night. *** Vera and Maddie were seated at the kitchen table, as Tyler finished cooking and set their plates in front of them before going back for his own. Maddie picked up her fork and dug in, as Vera started pouring herself a glass of wine. As she did, she watched Maddie, looking to see if she could spot any kind of uncomfort or anything in her. After a few minutes, Tyler finally returned to the table and sat down as well. "Do you think you could teach me how to cook?" Maddie asked, looking at Tyler. "Yeah! For sure," Tyler replied, "absolutely, if you wanna come on over like once a week for lessons, I'd be more than happy to help you with that!" "Does Lilian not cook?" Vera asked, taking a sip from her wine glass. "Eh, Miranda does, but I don't think she's as good at it as you are," Maddie said, and Tyler laughed. "Well thank you, I appreciate that," Tyler said, "and my mother told me home ec wasn't for boys, take that mom." All three of them laughed, as they continued to eat in silence. It was weird, for as much as Maddie loved Lilian and Miranda, and wouldn't change anything about her life right now, this was the sort of thing they didn't do. Dinner was often a solitary experience in that household, and she missed having dinner with people. Then again, it wasn't like her own parents had ever done it either, not in this sense. They'd done it, but it was always awkward and stiff and uncomfortable. This...this felt natural. This was the sort of family dinner Maddie had always wished she could have. And Vera? Vera was so happy. All she wanted anymore was a family. She was so sick of leading the company, and the bullshit that that entailed, and all she really wanted was to raise a family and be with Tyler. So cliche, she knew. She felt kind of like a sellout of her gender for her generation, wanting something so traditional, but Tyler had reassured her numerous times that it was okay that she wanted that. She wasn't by any means expected to live by the same morals or ethics others her age demanded she live by. She wanted to be a mom, and she was sick of hiding that and feeling ashamed of it. And all Tyler really wanted was much the same, but to see Vera be happy in the process. While Vera and Tyler discussed things regarding the company, and then a bit about the apartment - whether Tyler should move in or they should get a new place all their own - Maddie just ate in silence and watched, listening, smiling. It was nice to be around adults for a change and not be expected to be one as well. Bit by bit, she was eeking back her adolescence. *** "Oh, thank you," Geena said as John handed her a drink as they sat outside in lawn chairs, watching Star catch fireflies in the early evening sunset. "You told me Alexis almost drowned when you were kids, you remember that? Told me that that day in the hospital when we met," John said, sitting down and sipping his own drink before adding, "you told me that you watched a teenage lifeguard give her mouth to mouth, bring her in from the waves and save her life." "Mhm," Geena replied, nodding as she sipped her own drink, "yep, and that was a very formative thing for both of us." "So why do you care about her when it seems the rest of your family doesn't? Trying to earn some brownie points with the big man upstairs or just trying to make yourself look better or trying to maybe gain a sense of moral superiority or what? None of these are what I think of you, for the record, they're just reasons people do these kinds of things more often than not. I'm just curious where your thoughts lie." Geena smirked. She liked John's sense of earnest bluntness. "Well," she said, clearing her throat and stirring her drink with a straw, "it's a double edged sword, really, isn't it? Cause you live in a world of what if's, you know? What would it have been like had she died, would our parents have cared? They didn't seem all that plussed that she was still around after the fact, to be honest. I think it fucked her up though, more than she's willing to admit. I care because..." A pause, as John watched her, sipping from his straw, an eyebrow raised. "Fuck," she whispered, "someone has to, right?" Now THAT was an answer John wasn't expecting. "I mean, that's kind of my viewpoint, yeah," John said, as they both turned their gaze towards Star, "the world is full of people who don't care. About themselves, about one another, about anything. Even the ones who swear up and dow have only so much to give in the end, and don't care as much as they thought they did. People will abandon you in a heartbeat, use you for validation, hurt you without thinking twice. I guess I just prefer to be the exception rather than the rule." Geena smiled again, nodding slowly. She could see why Alexis had attached so hard to John, and their relationship as a whole was starting to make sense again now. Geena stirred her drink with her straw again and exhaled. "I bought a boat," she said. "Yeah?" John asked, sounding surprised, looking back at her, "you lose a bet or something?" "No," Geena replied, chuckling, "no, I...I..." Geena and John locked eyes and she sighed again. "I wanna take her out on a boat, and I need your help," she said. *** Miranda was lying on the couch back at the apartment, Lilian atop her, kissing up and down her neck, making her squirm. Miranda smiled and blushed, feeling Lilian kiss down her tummy and stop at her thighs, pushing her dress up. Miranda giggled. "I have to say," Miranda said quietly, "and this isn't saying women can't be the dominant one but...my whole life, being in bed with someone, I always felt so performative and hated being expected to be the one to make any moves. I always wanted it to be the other way around. So having you here, on top of me, doing all the work....selfish, maybe, but I like it." Lilian laughed and kissed back up, putting her hands on Miranda's shoulders and mounting her. "You have the right to be selfish after what you've lived through," Lilian said, "you've earned it, and I'm more than happy to be in charge. Honestly, I'm the opposite. The men I used to hook up with at parties while in costume always wanted me to be sweet and submissive, so actually being with not just a woman but a woman who doesn't mind if I take the lead...yeah...it's kind of perfect." Miranda held onto Lilian's hips as she started to grind on her, both girls panting, breathing hard. "I think I fell in love with you the minute you walked into my hospital room." Miranda said. "Yeah?" Lilian asked. "Yeah," Miranda replied, "I...I just saw you, and it was like I could instantly see the future. I'd always had trouble seeing a future of any kind for myself until that point. Part of that could be attributed to not having lived authentically until now but...but with you, it was all so clear." "That's, like, the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me," Lilian said, the both of them laughing as she leaned down and kissed Miranda, breathing into her mouth. "Do you wanna be my wife?" Miranda asked, and Lilian opened her eyes, staring at her. "What?" "I'm sorry, shit, that...that was way too forward and way too soon and I..." "...why don't we talk about it more, tomorrow, and tonight we just...enjoy what we have," Lilian said, making Miranda blush as she added, softly, "now turn off that lamp." Miranda reached behind her, to the lamp on the table by the couch, and did as she was told. She could wait a while for an answer. After all, she'd already waited her whole life to be herself. Miranda had gotten really good at waiting. Maddie had expected to go to school today.
She'd expected to wake up, go to school, have pizza for lunch, maybe read a book during quiet class time, and come home to do homework. She'd expected a routine, monotonous, uninteresting day like every other. Unfortunately, that wasn't what her morning consisted of. Instead, what she woke up to...was blood. When she approached Lilian, who was still asleep, she was mortified of asking for help. Standing there, watching Lilian snore as she lay sprawled across her own bed, with Miranda laying beside her, she bit her lip nervously, pulled her fleece blanket up over her shoulders tighter and sighed, walking into the room. She approached the bed, reached out and touched Lilian's shoulder, gently shaking her until one of her eyes fluttered halfway open. "Mmm...hey...are you okay? Is it time for school?" Lilian asked, until she saw the clock and realized it was still two hours until school started; now confused, she looked back at Maddie and asked, "are you feeling sick?" "...I need help please," Maddie said, her voice shaky and scared, "...there's blood in my bed." That got Lilian's attention. The day had finally come. She was just surprised it had arrived so early. *** "What do you think about this?" Alex asked, showing John the image of the haircut she was thinking of. "It's not bad," he said, biting into his apple, "it would frame your face really well." "Yeah?" Alexis asked, pulling the brochure back towards her and continuing to look, "I...guess it could be okay." John looked up and around at the other clients in the salon, here for various treatments. Coloring, washing, cutting. He started to think about Star, and his eyes wetted instantly. He shook the thoughts away and returned to focusing on his apple instead, while Alexis turned the page, still uncertain of just what kind of haircut to get. After a moment, she set the magazine face down in her lap, spread and open to the page she had been on, and looked back at John as she chewed nervously on her nails. "You know, when I was a little girl, my mom used to cut my hair all the time," she said, "and one day, on the day she was supposed to do it, she had to work instead. She worked as a secretary for a really sketchy lawyer in a strip mall, and she didn't make much, so she had to take the hours when she could. Anyway, she left the job up to my father, who didn't know a damn thing about cutting hair. So he sits me down in this tall stool in the kitchen, and he starts doing it, but he's been drinking a bit, and after a bit, I feel this pinch, and then I see blood start coming down the front of my shirt from my neck. He'd nicked my ear with the scissors. Expectedly, I freaked out, and later so did my mother, and she did all my hair cutting again from then on. I haven't let anyone but her cut my hair since, so it's been....a few years since I've had my haircut, and now it's by a total stranger and I'm having feelings of intense anxiety over someone I don't know or trust getting close to me with scissors." "Yeah but these are professionals," John said, "professionals don't make mistakes." "Uh, Chernobyl?" Alex asked, making John chuckle. "Okay, most of the time," he replied, "trust me, the girl who does my hair does is excellent, she won't harm you." Alexis nodded, feeling a bit more relieved. She then went back to reading, as John's mind trailed off, thinking back to Star, and taking her to get her first haircut, post accident, and what an ordeal that had been. The second that someone approached her with anything remotely resembling a sharp object, thanks to the crash and the wreckage thereof, she absolutely flipped out and started screaming uncontrollably. John never took her to get a haircut again. Seems like, in some warped way, history was repeating itself. Just on a far less uncomfortable scale. *** "This isn't a big deal," Lilian said as she and Maddie walked down the aisles of the superstore, looking for menstrual products; Maddie was nervously clinging to her, like a lost little puppydog, and Lilian kept patting her on the back, adding, "it really isn't, this sort of thing happens to almost every woman. It's scary at first, maybe, but after that initial shock, yeah. You get used to it." "I really don't like waking up in a bed of blood," Maddie replied, making Lilian smirk. "Yeah, I get that. Thankfully I don't have to work today, so I can help you get through this," she said, "you'll be okay." They walked a little further, passing by a mom with two kids, one in the shopping cart and the other, a daughter about Maddie's age, holding onto the shopping cart and talking endlessly. Maddie looked at the ground as she walked and sighed. She was growing up without her parents. She had Lilian, and she loved her for having stepped up when someone needed to, and she was appreciative that she wasn't alone, but in this critical life changing moment of her adolescence, she didn't have her mother, and that stung a little. But she would never let Lilian know that, she figured that sort of information would break her heart, seeing how hard she was trying. "You know," Lilian started again, as they turned a corner and headed down another aisle, this time the correct one, "when I got my period, my mother didn't talk to me for a few days because she felt like her little girl was grown up now. But some blood coming out of you doesn't dictate anything. It's just a biological sign that shows your body is capable of new things. Doesn't change your mentality in the slightest, not unless you let it, and I certainly didn't let it change me." Maddie looked up at her and sniffled, nodding, smiling. Lilian ran her hand up into Maddie's hair and scruffed it a bit. "And if you're anything like me, and it seems like you are, then you won't let it change a thing about you either. You haven't let anything else change anything about you - not even things that should theoretically drastically alter a person - so why should this?" Lilian added as they finally arrived at the correct aisle. As they headed down, Maddie seeming extremely hesitant and nervous, she couldn't help but also feel a sense of belonging and safety because she had a grown woman with her who cared, and would help her get through anything. "What...should I get?" Maddie asked, and Lilian shrugged. "They're all basically the same, except for branding; just pick stuff and I'll tell you what I think," Lilian said. As she felt Maddie finally let go of her, and headed further into the aisle herself, she felt a weird sense of pride. In a way, it was as if she were making up for her own poor childhood by being a better mother to Maddie than either of theirs had ever been to them. Lilian knew her mother wasn't terrible by any means - flawed, certainly, but not terrible in the slightest - but she never wanted to make Maddie feel alone or confused or forgotten. And if there's one moment that no girl should ever have to feel those things... ...it's the moment they enter womanhood. *** Alexis, seated in a chair, looking at herself in the mirror, felt anxious. The woman cutting her hair was a tall, leggy woman in her 40s. She had long albeit bundled up blonde hair and seemed to be gathering the right brushes and shampoos required for the full salon treatment, while Alexis watched her him and haw and shashay around behind her in the mirrors relfection. She chewed absentmindedly on her lip and thought about how she hadn't hair a haircut in so many years, and how nervous this made her. Surely this woman wouldn't hurt her, even on accident. Sure accidents happen, nobody could deny that, but this was a professional. She wouldn't steer her wrong, right? John sure wouldn't, and he's the one who suggested her, so she felt like she was in good, capable hands. "So, what do you think you want?" the stylist asked, causing Alexis to tense up. "Uh, I...I don't know. I've never before been asked what my preference for a cut is," she replied, "I grew up with my parents cutting my hair, so they just did whatever they thought was fine. I've never had think about having a say in the matter." "Well, you do now," the stylist responded, chuckling, "I saw you looking at the magazines while waiting, did you see anything you liked in there?" Alexis shrugged and thought about it for a few moments, then exhaled. "I like the idea of having bangs. I don't like my forehead. I wanna hide it. And maybe make the ends curled a bit; nothing really outstandingly noticeable, just somewhat curled, you know? I like simple hair. I don't...I don't wanna look that different," Alexis said, mumbling at the last part as the stylist patted her on the shoulder and got to work. "I can do that for you," she said. And as she did her job, and as Alexis watched herself transform even just the tiniest bit in the mirror before her, she started to feel a little bit more in control over herself. For so long, something else was controlling her. Her parents, the drugs, Vera. But now, here she was, making the decision of what to look like, and getting that sort autonomy, when you've never had it before, was exhilarating. She started to crack a smile, and by the time the stylist was done washing, color treating and cutting, Alexis liked what she saw in the mirror. Which was the first time in her life she didn't hate the person looking back. *** The front door to the apartment unlocked, and Lilian and Maddie entered to find an already cooking Miranda come from the kitchen, surprised and somewhat confused. She hadn't expected either of them back this early. She watched Maddie, plastic bag of supplies in hand, head to her bedroom while Lilian collapsed on the couch and Miranda seated herself on the coffee table in front of her, watching her. "Okay, so I know it's your day off, but...what about her? Why is she home? Did she get sick at school?" Miranda asked, and Lilian ran her hands through her hair, exhaling. "She got her first period today," Lilian said, and Miranda's eyes widened. "...oh," she said, "wow, uh, that wasn't the answer I expected. Wow. Alright. So...so you took her to get what she needed?" "Mhm," Lilian replied, sniffing the air, "what are you cooking?" "Spare ribs," Miranda said, "they're not ready, but you if you could go make the potatoes, I'd be grateful for the help." Lilian smiled and nodded, leaning forward and placing her hands on Miranda's face, kissing her before getting up and heading into the kitchen. Miranda, once Lilian was out of line of sight, got up as well, but headed towards Maddie's room. She entered and noticed Maddie sitting on her bed, wrapped fully in a blanket with just her face peaking out. As Miranda shut the door, their eyes locked and Miranda walked in further, seating herself on the bedside. "Hey," Miranda said, "I heard. Are you okay?" Maddie just shrugged, not even looking at her. "...look," Miranda said, "I'm probably not the best person to discuss this with, because I...I've never had one, I'll never know what it's like to have one, but I wanna tell you something, okay? You willing to listen to me?" Maddie nodded, still not speaking or looking her way. "...they say it's painful, and I don't doubt that it is, but...it's also considered a rite of passage. The moment you transition to womanhood is marked by this occasion, societally anyway. The pain you'll have to endure once a month is just...I mean, I've spoken to women about it, it's ungodly unfair. That being said, I just want to tell you how lucky you are." That got Maddie's attention. She finally turned her head to look at Miranda, her face contorted in a confused expression. "Excuse me?" Maddie asked. "Yeah, cause...listen, uh...this is gonna be hard to explain, but I'm gonna do my best, okay? From the other side, someone who isn't seen as a woman by a large majority of the population, everything I do has to be even more performative to femininity than a woman such as yourself, or Lilian. And while women have to put in an overabundance of effort to begin with, it's innate for the most part. You're taught it. Girls like me...we're not taught anything. If anything, we're told the opposite. To repress it. Ignore it. I have to take medicine every single day of my life in order to look even remotely the same, to have the same hormones as any biological woman, and that's on top of surgeries - which, fairly, not every woman like me cares to have - and while that's all exhausting, it doesn't stop me from dwelling on the things I can't have. While, yes, I can get myself close to the view of myself that I've always seen and want to project, I can never, no matter what I do, have things women like you have." Maddie sniffled and wiped her nose on her sleeve, listening. "I'd give anything in the world to endure the pain of periods, because...because to endure the pain of everything else I have to is so much worse, and daily instead of monthly," Miranda said, near tears, "and I'm not diminishing what you're gonna go through with this, but..." Maddie leaned in and hugged Miranda tightly around the waist, both of them crying. Miranda didn't even have to finish. Maddie understood. There's varying degrees of pain to womanhood and each had to fight to get through it. But at least they had one another. Womanhood came with sisterhood, that was the important part to remember. "We're both just learning to be women," Miranda whispered, stroking Maddie's hair, "and when it's effortless, it's like magic, and those are the times to be happy about it." Maddie herself felt very much like Miranda. Sure, she was born a girl, but her mother had never given her tips on how to act, how to be the sort of performative that society expected; she knew next to nothing about what was expected from young women. She didn't know how to do makeup. She didn't know how to use tampons until today. She didn't know anything. So maybe it was good that the best person available for her to learn was someone who also never knew. At least they had that much in common. *** The door to Star's room opened and she looked up from the floor, where she was sitting cross legged doing a large piece puzzle. As the door swung open more, John entered and shut the door behind himself. Star scrambled up from the floor and threw herself against him, hugging him tightly, making him laugh as he hugged her back. "Hey kiddo!" he said, "wow, what a greeting!" "You got a haircut," Star said, pulling away and looking at her father, and he nodded. "Yeah, nothing serious. You doing a puzzle? You want help?" he asked as she sat back down and went back to the puzzle. John seated himself on the opposite side from her and watched. "I don't need help! I'm a big girl," Star said as she went back to picking up the pieces and focusing on her puzzle once more. John smiled and nodded. She was, indeed, a big girl. There was no arguing that. So he sat there, and he opened the fast food he'd brought and they both ate in silence, just enjoying one anothers company. He'd dropped Alexis back off at the clinic after they'd had a small snack after the visit to the salon, and that was when he knew he should come see his daughter today. Alexis reminded him so much of the person Star would've been had she not been in the accident, though hopefully sans the addictive tendencies (though, who was he to judge, he'd been an alcoholic and drug user once himself). "What is this puzzle?" John asked, picking up the lid and looking at it. "It's of daddy," Star said, as he smiled, noticing the image on the box was of a clown. He laughed, Star laughed, and that laughter was the only sound they needed to fill the silence. "There's one thing nobody tells you about surviving an overdose, and that is that sometimes, instead of relief, you feel regret. Not for having tried, but for having not succeeded," Parker Harrison said; he was sitting in a chair, his neatly trimmed beard reflecting light and his black square glasses resting gently on his nose as he leaned forward, hands on his knees, a posture only taken by well meaning fathers as he added, "because for every person you hear about who says they're happy they failed, there's just as many who are upset they failed, and I think those people need to be heard."
"But I didn't...try to deliberately kill myself," Alexis said, "I didn't. It was an accident, honest to god." "And I believe you, but even an accidental overdose can create mixed feelings about the aftermath," Parker replied, "do you ever feel regret for still being here?" That was a question Alexis didn't want to answer, because, yeah, on one hand she did. But it wasn't for the reason of having survived an accidental overdose. It was for so many other reasons. Her failed relationship with her parents, her failed relationships in general, her inability to keep Vera and others around her happy and her inability to be happy herself. But none of those were a direct result of what had happened. Those things had been largely prevelant long before the overdose. Parker leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs. "Can I go do my physical therapy now?" Alexis asked, and Parker shrugged. Alexis groaned, and then, gripping her crutches, stood up and hobbled out of the room. Once outside she leaned against his door and exhaled deeply. She hated that man with a seething loathing only reserved for teenagers towards their peers. Something about his do goody natured attitude didn't jive well with her massive feelings of general cynicism. She heard someone walking down the hall towards her and smiled as she saw John approaching, holding a bag from a fast food restaurant. "I take it therapy is over?" he asked, "You want some lunch?" "Please," Alexis remarked, "I am starving." Alexis Lafayette didn't like being in the hospital, but at least she had someone bring her better food than what they served, and she figured that was sort of a silver lining to surviving an overdose. *** "How's it fit?" Lilian asked, as Maddison looked at herself in the mirror. "It's not too tight, it fits good!" she replied, "why do you even have something in this size?" "This is what I used to do some fairy tale themed pageants in," Lilian said, sitting down in a chair behind Maddie in front of the mirror and brushing her hair gently, "I figured it would fit you, and look at that, it still does. It's nice to have things that can still be used. Plus I don't know that I could afford anything really good as a replacement, nor do I wanna use cheap costume store crap." "Do I get a tiara?" Maddison asked, and Lilian smirked. "Yes, you get a tiara, don't worry, I have spares," Lilian said. This was the first job Maddison had ever been invited to help her with, and it was the first time in her career that Lilian was playing the queen and not just the princess. In a way, it was kind of like passing the torch to a new generation, letting go of her trauma and, from it, budding something healthier. Lilian hadn't even been told what the job was, just where it was happening and that she'd need some help, and she was more than happy to bring Maddison along with her for the ride. Ever since taking her in, while her father recovered properly, Lilian had really fallen into a mom role, something she'd never seen for herself before, and she had to admit... ...she kind of loved it. *** "I wish people would believe me when I tell them that it wasn't intentional," Alexis said, biting into the tacos that John had brought as they sat outside in the hospital garden; she chewed, swallowed then added, "like...if you overdose or nearly die in some way that could potentially be misconstrued as non accidental, everyone automatically assumes it's non accidental. It just...it makes me so mad. Yeah, I'm unhappy, but I'm not suicidal." "Isn't it nice how much attention it gets you though?" John asked, chuckling, making her smirk as he picked up his plastic cup and took a sip of his root beer through the straw before continuing, "I mean, everyone is always so nice to you after such an event. Even though they should've been nice to you beforehand to prevent such a thing, but whatever. Humans are short sighted creatures." "I wish I could just walk properly again and get back to my life and my apartment and my job, which I'm assuming I still have all of," Alex said, and John nodded, picking up a taco and taking a huge chunk from it. "Yep," he said while chewing, nodding, "absolutely. Been watching over it for you, keeping it clean, and Vera's kept you on the payroll, giving you PTO." "That's unexpectedly generous of her," Alex muttered. The conversation then fell into a lull as the two continued to eat in silence for a bit. Alexis started thinking about the night it had happened. How it had happened. She'd even considered from time to time that maybe, subconsciously, it had been intentional. Vera had given her so much shit throughout the year about her drug use, and then John had tried to show her how to be a rehabilitated person after such a long time as a user, and then with the lack of a family...Alexis might've just not cared about the intake that particular night. The last thing she could remember was lying in the bathtub and staring at the ceiling and just feeling such warmth wash over her, but not from the water. Such a euphoric feeling that it made her feel alive again. John glanced over at her and reached out, offering her his drink, which she happily took and sipped from. Even if that was the case, she still hadn't wanted to die. She wasn't suicidal. She was just reckless. There was a big, big difference, and she wished that difference could be more recognized. As she handed his drink back to him and sighed, she reached up and pushing her bangs back from her face, realizing just how long it'd been since she'd had a haircut or participated in anything remotely 'ordinary' to everyday life. She turned to John and looked down at her shoes as she spoke, almost in a whisper. "Can you take me to get a haircut?" she asked, and he nodded. "Absolutely!" he said, "I'll take you to my barber, they're the best." That made Alexis feel a little better. Maybe this was a new start for her. Maybe she could finally be better, not just for others, but for herself. After all, who needed family when you had friends. *** "I didn't know you'd be here," Lilian said, exiting her car to find Tyler leaning against his own, drinking from a can of juice. He eyeballed Lilian before turning his view to Maddie, who ran ahead of them to look at the house they were in front of. He then lowered his voice and spoke. "You brought her?" he asked. "I was asked to, actually," Lilian replied, "Vera's personal request." "That's a weird one," Tyler said, shrugging, as they headed up the walk. The front door opened and a woman was standing there, in an old fashioned button down blue dress. Lilian and Tyler hesitated momentarily, before heading closer as they watched the woman kneel down to Maddie's eye level, exchange some words, then pat her on the shoulder and let her enter. As they reached the door, Lilian smiled and bowed to the woman, which made her have a confused look on her face. "May we enter?" she asked, and the woman exited the house, pulling the door shut behind her. "I don't need adults," she said softly, "I only needed a child. That's why you specifically were requested." "Then...why are you here?" Lilian asked, and Tyler looked away, grimacing. He wasn't telling her something, and she didn't like the feeling it put in the pit of her stomach. Tyler put his hand on Lilian's shoulder, and gently walked her away from the door, over to the swinging porch bench where they sat down. He exhaled, scratched his forehead, and then spoke. "So I didn't understand why you were bringing Maddison, Vera just told me to show up because you would need company," he said, "I figured it was a normal party. I didn't know it was going to be...whatever this is." A moment passed as some kids rode by on bikes, their parents walking closely behind them, chatting amongst themselves. Lilian sighed and rested her chin on her knees. "...this isn't a life," she said quietly, "this is just...existence. This isn't a career I want to spend the rest of my time alive doing. I like it, don't get me wrong, but more often than not lately I've found myself kind of...wanting to do more. Wanting to do better. Do more good in the world or something. But then I think about what I'm actually qualified for, and my options are real fuckin limited." "Right now your biggest concern isn't even your job, but just taking care of Maddie," Tyler said, and Lilian nodded in agreement. He had a point. Maddie, at this moment, needed a loving pseudo parent, and Lilian was hell bound on giving her that. Everyone deserved a childhood, and Maddison had had enough of hers stolen from her already. In fact, today would be yet another day where she was faced with something kids her age shouldn't be faced with. As Maddie walked down the hall and towards the last door on the right at the end, she could feel a sense of unease. She slowly pushed the door open and, much to her surprise, found a very pretty room. Pink fairy string lights hung across the ceiling, lovely floral curtains, and stuffed animals from wall to wall, or so it seemed anyway. And there, laying in a beautiful old brass bedframe, snuggled beneath a plethora of quilts, was a girl about her age. Maddie stepped hesitantly inside, despite how warm and inviting the room itself appeared to be. As she approached the bed, the girl lying in it rolled her head on the pillow, their eyes meeting. In fact, now that she had a clearer view, she looked at least a year or so younger than Maddie, and this made Maddie feel even more unnerved about what she'd walked into. Maddie pulled a chair from a nearby table closer to the bed and sat herself down on it, before pulling the tiara off her head and polishing it, then placing it back atop herself. She cleared her throat and spoke. "Hello," she said, "I'm Princess Maddison, and I'm here to-" "I know why you're here," the girl replied, her voice, weak, raspy. "You do?" Maddie asked, "...could you tell me?" "Because I'm dying," the girl said. *** John was walking Alexis back to her room. It was getting late, visiting hours were almost over, and he had to leave soon. Alexis also had some self reflecting to do for her next therapy session, so she needed the time alone. As they reached the door to her room, Alexis opened it and then turned around to face John, who was still sipping the last of his soda through the straw. "...do you think I need to talk more in therapy?" Alex asked, and John furrowed his brow. "Well, I mean, that is kind of the whole point," he said. "Yeah, but I'm not even in therapy for the right reasons. They assume I tried to kill myself, so I'm there on a trumped up charge, and really the only kind of therapy I actually currently need is physical therapy, which, might I add, I'm doing great at." "I can tell, and I'm very proud of you," John remarked, "but it couldn't hurt to open up and discuss some things. You won't talk to anyone else, even me really, about your life, or your past or whatever. So maybe talking to a professional could go a long way. You never know." "...does Lilian ever ask about me?" Alex asked, her voice lowering, and John reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. "All the damn time," he replied, "that girl is your best friend, and she was extremely broken up over what happened, and continually asks me when you're coming back. The only reason she can't come see you personally is because...well..." John sighed and walked past Alex, entering her room and sitting down. "Between what she saw as a child and what she's helping Maddison deal with, I don't think she is good around death or hospitals," he continued, "and who could blame her? That's a lot for a woman in her twenties to have dealt with. I think, though, that's why you get along so well, same with me. Can't speak for Tyler, don't know the guy well enough, but as far as the three of us are concerned, we've all been dealt some shit, whether it's a rotten upbringing or the loss of loved ones or witnessing a traumatic event, and we've all survived. You find solace within those around you who have also been dealt a harsh blow, you know?" Alex nodded, entering and sitting on the bed across from the desk John had seated himself at, as she listened. "So don't hold her accountable for not coming to see you. She cares very much, but she also has to care about her own well being, and frankly...I don't like being here either, but I personally can't let you be here alone. You don't deserve that. But please don't take her non visitation as disinterest. I assure you, she's extremely interested." Alexis smiled weakly, nodding. John stood up, walked over to her and kissed her on the head before giving her a little hug, telling her he'd be back tomorrow and then heading out. He had one more hospital to visit before he could go home for the day, and he had to be there before visitation ended as well. Seemed like all he did anymore was visit girls he loved in hospitals. *** The ride home was....uncomfortable, to say the least. Lilian knew Miranda would be there when they got back to the apartment, likely making dinner, but she felt like Maddison needed to talk. The entire time driving back, Maddie hadn't been her usual, spunky energetic self, and this concerned Lilian. Lilian finally pulled into the parking lot of a nearby donut shop and stopped the car as it started to rain lightly outside. She rolled the windows up and shut the car off before unbuckling her seatbelt and turning to face Maddie, who looked all but confused. "Okay," Lilian said, "first of all, you have to know I didn't know anything about the job. I was just as surprised as you, and Tyler didn't know anything either. All Vera told him was that he needed to be there to keep me company. But you can't bottle this stuff up, believe me, you don't...you don't wanna do that." "I'm not bottling, I'm processing," Maddie replied, sniffling, "I just...it's weird to think there's kids my age or younger who die. You always think that it's older people, no offense-" "I'm not old! I'm like 27!" "-who are the ones who wind up dying, but that isn't the case. As my party proved, it can happen to anyone. But it feels wrong, doesn't it? It feels...unfair. And I guess the world IS unfair. My mom tried to kill my dad. That's unfair. So I guess I should just get to it and never-" "Okay stop," Lilian said, putting her hands on Maddie's shoulders, forcing her to look at her, as she added, "you can recognize the unfairness, yes. You can...you can absolutely recognize it, even yearn for better, but do NOT let it consume you. There is more good than bad in this world. Yes, your mother tried to kill your father, and yes that kid died at your party, but look at what positive things have come from that. We met, and now you're living with me. Isn't that a silver lining? Far be it from me to be a positive role model, but...if there's one thing I've learned in the last year, it's that, sometimes you have to do that, no matter how outside your comfort zone it might be, because if you give in, if you let the sadness win, that's when you end up down a dangerous path and you're much too young to end up like me." Maddie and Lilian's eyes were locked, and she could see Lilian was holding back tears. Here was a woman who clearly cared for her well being, who'd stepped up to be a mother figure when she most needed one, and that made Maddie smile. She leaned in and hugged Lilian, who happily hugged her back. "The world just has bad things," Lilian said softly as she rubbed Maddie's back, "but that doesn't make it a bad place." *** Alexis entered Parker Harrison's office the following day for therapy, and before he could even speak, she raised a hand as she seated herself on the couch. Parker nodded, understanding, and sitting down in his usual seat as Alex exhaled, looked down at her shoes and then spoke. "I didn't try to kill myself," she said, "but that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. I'd never act on it, but the thought has occured to me before, specifically when I was younger and living at home, and in fact, had I not managed to escape, who knows what I might've done. All I know is that I don't want to die, and I'd never try, and this was an accident because I'm not careful enough." "...fair enough," Parker replied, crossing his legs and listening. "Growing up with my parents...we weren't very wealthy at all, and we struggled a lot of time to have enough food for everyone. I had two sisters, and sometimes it felt like my folks could see the obvious failure I was going to be because they invested, openly, brazenly, far more time and interest into my sisters than they ever did in me. That really hurt, but it pushed me to show them I could survive and manage on my own, something I've been doing for a good while now. The drugs...they were just..." She paused, chewing her lip. "...they were an escape from the fact that I could't feel anything for a long time. I couldn't trust anyone because I couldn't trust my parents, and if you can't even trust the people who brought you into this world, the people meant to love you, then who CAN you trust, right? So my paranoia about others grew, and my detachment emotionally to them was something I hated. I wanted desperately to feel something, anything at all, and the drugs did that for me. But now...now I know I have friends who care and love me, and I don't need that. I don't want to go back to it. But rest assured, in spite of all of what I have said, please let me make it excessively clear that I did not. try. to kill myself." A moment passed, as Parker thought about what she'd said, and then grabbed his pad off his desk along with a pen and sat back down. "I believe you. Tell me more about your parents," he said, "please. I'd like to know what you think of them." Alex sighed. She needed that reassurance, that belief, that she hadn't tried to die on purpose, because she hadn't, and the thing she hated most was not being believed when she was more often than not never lying. And so Alexis started to tell Parker all about her folks, her sisters, her adolescence, and she started crying while she did, and she felt something, for the first time in her life, without the use of drugs. And she never wanted that to go away again. |
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
April 2024
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