"Weren't even gonna tell me you were leaving, eh?" Rick asked, causing Alexis to look behind her.
She'd been packed and standing outside under the porch of the hospital, waiting for Lilian to arrive and pick her up when Rick showed up. She wouldn't admit it, but she had been avoiding him. She fiddled with the tassles on her sweatshirt and sighed. "I didn't wanna make it harder than it already is," she said quietly, "it hurts too much as it stands, I didn't wanna drag that pain out." "Wouldn't have to be a forever goodbye," Rick said. "It does if you're not gonna get clean too," Alexis said, chewing her lip, trying not to cry. She had never felt this strongly for another person before, and it hurt so much inside to say goodbye at all, especially to someone who theoretically could change for the better but was actively choosing not to. Not even for her, but just for himself. She felt bad for him. Rick walked towards her and stood by her, both of them looking out at the cobblestone driveway, watching as the rain poured. Rick lit a cigarette and took a puff, then gave it to her, and she took a few herself. "I don't blame you, you know, I'm not angry at you at all. I admire you for setting limits, boundaries, it's responsible, it's what I wish I could be," Rick said, looking down at his shoes, adding, "you got clean, and you're determined to stay that way, and you have every right to not want someone in your life who isn't going to abide by those same wishes." "I do want you in my life, that's the fucked up part," Alex said, her voice shaky like she was about to cry; she continued, "I want you in my life so badly, but not at the expense of my health. I've already damaged myself enough, hurt those around just by accident of what I do, and I can't go back there. I will never judge you for what you choose to do, we all do what works for us, but I also can't have it around me anymore." Rick nodded, smirking. "I love you," Rick said, wiping his arms on his sleeve, and Alexis wanted to bawl; Rick exhaled and went on, "I...I really do love you. I hope you know that and remember it when you're gone and feel lonely, and not in any way that makes you feel guilty for your decisions, but just in a way that gives you comfort of knowing that someone does love you, even if it's someone you can't be with." Alexis turned and looked at him, as Rick turned to face her too. She reached out and put a hand on his face, stroking gently, before leaning on her tip toes and kissing him. As the kiss ended, Lilian pulled up and honked the horn. Alexis looked at the car, then back at Rick, and handed him back his cigarette, but he politely declined. "Keep it," he said, laughing, "that way I'll always kinda be with you." "I'm so sorry," Alexis whispered. "You have nothing to be sorry for," Rick said, "just stay better than me, please." Alexis nodded as he kissed her forehead, then exstinguished the cigarette and tucked it into her sweatshirt pocket and picked up her bags. She walked to the car as Lilian opened the trunk from the inside, and tossed her bags within it before climbing into the passenger seat. As they pulled away, Alexis looked back at Rick, standing there on the porch, watching her go, and she could feel her heart actively breaking. Once out of view, Alexis pulled the cigarette from her sweatshirt and tucked it behind her ear. "You okay, babe?" Lilian asked, and Alexis nodded slowly. "I think I will be, yeah," Alexis said, and for the first time in her life...she felt like she meant it. *** Vera had called everyone the night before and established that she wanted to throw a little get together at a small local restaurant. She invited John, Miranda, Tyler, Rina, Lilian, Maddie and Alexis. She knew Alexis was getting out today, so that made it a double celebration of sorts. But her real motives, of course, far more cloudy. Tyler was already there, but nobody else had shown up just yet. They'd already ordered enough food for everyone, and had set aside a small space in the back of the restaurant for their party, but Vera was pacing, nervous as always. What if nobody else showed up? Her leadership hadn't been exactly the best. She wouldn't be at all surprised if nobody else came because they hated how she ran things, how she'd acted towards Alexis, and she had absolutely no reasoning to explain it other than "yeah, I messed up", which is something but often not enough. She groaned and sat down at the table, pushing her face in her hands. Tyler sat down across from her a few seconds later, and she looked up at him. "You seem...what's the word...scared shitless," Tyler said, making her smirk. "I'm just nervous," Vera replied, "I hope I didn't scare everyone away, I hope I made the right decisions, I hope...I just hope I'm not an outsider now. This company has been my life, and...and it's been nice, but...I kind of want a different life. But that doesn't mean I want different friends. You guys are the best friends I've ever had." Tyler smiled and reached out, taking Vera's hand in his and kissing it gently. "It'll be fine, you need to just learn not to expect the worst," Tyler said. But that, as they all knew, had become so hard. The worst had been happening so regularly that it felt like to not expect it was idiotic at this point. Vera sighed and nodded, taking in his advice, but still retaining her cautiousness. A few seconds later, John came in through the backdoor and approached the table. "What's with all the extra security?" he asked, "It isn't like we're guarding the president." Vera smiled and laughed. Maybe Tyler was right. Maybe she did worry too much. Shortly behind him was Miranda and Maddie, both of whom hugged Vera the moment they saw her. John excused himself to go speak with Tyler, as the girls caught up. Vera couldn't help but notice that Lilian and Alexis weren't here yet, nor was Rina. But she tried to have hope. As she concentrated on those who had arrived, she tried to be hopeful that those she wanted most would also soon grace them with their presence. And they would...Lilian and Alexis would show up. Lilian just had one thing to do first. *** "This is your mom's house?" Alexis asked as they sat in the parked car in the driveway. Lilian nodded. It had been a while since she and Maddie had come to see her mother, and in all honesty, she was feeling somewhat nervous about this, but she felt like it was time. Time to finally face down her fears, in regards to her parental upbringing. Alexis put some nicotine gum in her mouth and chewed as she asked, "what're we doing here?" "I need to speak to her for a minute," Lilian said, "sorry to kidnap you for this but, ya know, you were on the way here and then after this we're going to the thing Vera set up, so it was just...it was easier to do it all in one straight line, you know?" Lilian opened her car door and stepped out into the soft drizzle of the rain, Alexis doing the same. "You don't have to come in with me, you can stay in the car," Lilian said. "What am I, your dog?" Alexis replied. Together the two walked up the driveway and towards the porch. As they stopped before the front door, Alexis looked at Lilian, who then reached out and knocked gently. A moment of silence as they waited for the door to be answered. Alexis popped more gum in her mouth then stuffed the packet back into her sweatshirt pocket. "I had a boyfriend in rehab," Alexis said. "That sounds like the name of a tell-all biography," Lilian remarked, the both of them chuckling; Lilian then added, "...you don't anymore?" "He wasn't ready to be sober," Alexis whispered, "and it...it kinda hurt, cause for the first time I actually really liked somebody, but...but I didn't wanna be the one to push him to do something he wasn't ready to do, regardless of if it could help him or not, and so I ended things. But fuck man, it hurt. It hurt more than anything has hurt in a long, long time. But that pain...that pain also made me realize how real it is, and how dulled my sense were when I was on drugs. I could never feel that level of sadness then. Now I can, and...and I'm kinda happy about it, even if it's because of something so sad." Lilian smiled and put her hand on Alexis's shoulder. "I'm so proud of you," Lilian said softly, "I would be your friend regardless, I defended you to Vera time and time again, but I'm proud to see you do what you wanna do in order to be healthier. That's really great. I won't ever say it's inspiring, because that's insulting to the way you lived before, which also worked for you then. But I will say it's nice to watch you grow and change. Makes me wanna try and do better too." Alexis turned and hugged Lilian, who happily patted her on the back. She'd never openly admit it, but she'd missed Lilian the most of everyone while she was in the hospice. As the hug broke and they pulled away, the front door opened and there stood Lilian's mother, Jane. At first she looked surprised, but that quickly changed to looking happy, as she stepped aside and invited the girls indoors. Once in the living room, Lilian turned to look at her mother. "I didn't even get a call, you don't usually just drop by," Jane said, laughing. "...I came here cause I needed to say something," Lilian said, "...I forgive you." *** "So what's this whole thing about anyway?" John asked, standing near the bar with Vera as she drank and he watched, a little jealous, wanting to participate but knowing his boundaries. Vera exhaled and shook her head. "I sold the company," Vera said, very matter of factly, "and the woman who bought it is...she's great. We're really in great hands. I have absolutely no doubts." "Wow, that's big news," John said, "...you gonna join the ranks then? Pick a character? Go to parties?" "I think so, yeah. I wanna be in on the fun," Vera said, "I've spent so much of my adult life behind a desk, and I enjoyed it up to a certain point, but now I feel like I want to finally participate in the action for a change. I wanna have some goddamned fun for a change and not be seen as the mean lady in charge." John smirked, nodding. He could understand that, and she was right. She'd led the company through some troubled times and it was about time she was allowed to have some fun of her own for a change. He contemplated momentarily asking her what character she would pick, but he didn't want to pry or put any pressure on her, so he let it go. Then, something hit him in the face that nobody had considered. "What about Maddie?" he asked, "...no actual boss is going to allow a kid to work for us. That's child labor. She's going to be devestated." Vera stared at the floor. That hadn't even occurred to her. She'd spent so much time insisting that Alexis get to keep her job, that nothing be changed, that Maddie her totally slipped her mind. Vera groaned and ran her free hand over her face. Fuck. Now what would she tell them? She knew being a part of this was very important to Maddie, and she didn't want to crush her spirits. She'd already lost so much lately. Vera looked towards John, who just grimaced and shrugged, devoid of any suggestions himself. "I'm so fucked," Vera muttered. "You so are," John replied. *** "You...forgive me?" Jane asked, half laughing, half confused, "Forgive me for what, exactly?" "For pushing me to do beauty pageants," Lilian said, "...I...I know you don't need my forgiveness, but-" "Actually, I do, you're very wrong," Jane said, surprising Lilian; Jane shook her head, sighing, as she continued, "I am so angry with myself for what I did to your childhood. I made you do what I wanted, made you believe it mattered, because it was something my mother instilled into me, made me believe was important. I'm so sorry Lily. I know I wasn't abusive and I did my best to take care of you, but I still screwed up and I've always wanted to be forgiven for that." "Mom, it's okay," Lilian said, approaching Jane and holding her hands, smiling warmly, "because...because honestly, as terrible as it was, it made me who I am today, and you know what? I LIKE who I am. In fact, I LOVE who I am. Now that's not an acknowledgement that you have to endure awful things to have growth, or to...to appreciate ones self, or become who you should be, but...I am who I am because of you and the choices you made, and even if they hurt, I'm me because of them, so you didn't do all wrong. But I do forgive you for what you did. This last year or so, being with Maddie and watching her family literally eat itself to death...it's made me realize how important it is to me that you're in my life in a positive capacity." Jane wanted to cry. She knew she didn't deserve her daughters forgiveness, nor did her daughter have to forgive her, but she was choosing to, and Jane was so grateful for that. Watching from the safety of the couch, however, Alexis couldn't help but feel jealous and angry. She was happy for Lilian, sure, but why couldn't she ever have that sort of connection? With her parents, with anyone? She had John, she guessed, and Geena, but...she felt her fingertips touch the tip of the cigarette in her shirt pocket and wanted to cry. She wanted that with Rick. "I'm sorry I put you in danger," Jane said, rubbing her eyes on her sleeve, "those creeps at the show. No child deserves to be around anyone like that. I'm just glad I was so overprotective that nothing ever really came of it." "Yeah, I guess I was one of the luckier ones," Lilian replied, "but I think about all those other girls who weren't. The ones he did take advantage of, and..." Lilian glanced at Alexis, who knew full well what the situation was like, having been there that day when Lilian went to volunteer as a judge. Lilian exhaled and looked back from Alexis to her mother. "...I think I'm gonna talk to someone about it, someone official, someone who can do something about it," Lilian said, "after all, as a princess, it's my duty to ensure the safety of others. End the blight that threatens the land, and men like that are nothing short of a blight." "Are you sure you wanna do that?" Alexis asked, and Lilian nodded. "Yes. I know it'll be scary, but...fuck...someone has to do it." *** Vera was sitting on the outdoor patio area, drinking by herself, when she heard someone join her, and much to her surprise, it wasn't someone she expected, but was Helena instead. Helena lit a cigar and took a puff before offering it to Vera, who politely declined, chuckling. "Just a custom," Helena said, "in business, you celebrate with cigars. How you holding up? It must be a weird feeling." "It is," Vera said, "yeah, uh, it's very weird. I've been in control for so long, it's weird not to be. It's weird to not have to worry about anything anymore. I mean, I will, I do, because they're my friends, but you get what I mean. I can finally kind of focus on myself." Helena smiled, nodding. "Yeah," she said, "that's one of those things you lose sight of when you're involved in this kind of business, overseeing others. You stop caring about yourself because your focus and attention is pulled to so many other places. At least, if you're not a disgusting money hungry garbage person, which you clearly aren't. So it's good. Take some time, sort yourself out, take care of some stuff." "I think," Vera said, "...I think I wanna be fairy." "What?" Helena asked, half laughing, half confused. "For my costume, for parties," Vera said, "I want to be a fairy. Black people, we're always supposed to be seen as these ethereal perfect creatures, never making a mistake, but still unattached from the rest of humanity, never being recognized as living creatures. I think I wanna be a fairy." Helena nodded, putting a hand on Vera's shoulder. "Then you'll be a fairy," Helena said, and Vera blushed. She was happy with her choice, she had to admit. She'd sold the company to the right person, and she was proud of herself for that. He intuition about others had finally paid off in spades. Vera then exhaled, and took the cigar, taking a long puff before handing it back to Helena, who laughed at her. They both started laughing, and continuing to drink. Suddenly the door opened again, and they turned to see Lilian and Maddie standing there. "fuck," Vera whispered. "Fuck is right," Lilian said sternly. "I'm sorry," Vera said, "I...I didn't think about it, and-" "Of course you didn't. Nobody ever thinks about me," Maddie said, near tears, "...I thought you were different, but I guess not." Maddie turned and walked back inside. Vera sighed as she turned and looked back out over the patio railing, as Helena headed inside to comfort Maddie. Lilian approached the railing and leaned on it beside Vera. "Long day?" Lilian asked. "Long life." "Well, at least you're not alone," Lilian said, smiling, a hand on Vera's back, "don't worry about Maddie. She's upset, but we'll find a way to work around this." A moment passed as they watched cars drive by under the cool warmth of the streetlights. "Thanks for being here," Vera said. "The hell else am I gonna be?" Lilian said, "this is my home."
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
April 2024
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