"There's one thing nobody tells you about surviving an overdose, and that is that sometimes, instead of relief, you feel regret. Not for having tried, but for having not succeeded," Parker Harrison said; he was sitting in a chair, his neatly trimmed beard reflecting light and his black square glasses resting gently on his nose as he leaned forward, hands on his knees, a posture only taken by well meaning fathers as he added, "because for every person you hear about who says they're happy they failed, there's just as many who are upset they failed, and I think those people need to be heard."
"But I didn't...try to deliberately kill myself," Alexis said, "I didn't. It was an accident, honest to god." "And I believe you, but even an accidental overdose can create mixed feelings about the aftermath," Parker replied, "do you ever feel regret for still being here?" That was a question Alexis didn't want to answer, because, yeah, on one hand she did. But it wasn't for the reason of having survived an accidental overdose. It was for so many other reasons. Her failed relationship with her parents, her failed relationships in general, her inability to keep Vera and others around her happy and her inability to be happy herself. But none of those were a direct result of what had happened. Those things had been largely prevelant long before the overdose. Parker leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs. "Can I go do my physical therapy now?" Alexis asked, and Parker shrugged. Alexis groaned, and then, gripping her crutches, stood up and hobbled out of the room. Once outside she leaned against his door and exhaled deeply. She hated that man with a seething loathing only reserved for teenagers towards their peers. Something about his do goody natured attitude didn't jive well with her massive feelings of general cynicism. She heard someone walking down the hall towards her and smiled as she saw John approaching, holding a bag from a fast food restaurant. "I take it therapy is over?" he asked, "You want some lunch?" "Please," Alexis remarked, "I am starving." Alexis Lafayette didn't like being in the hospital, but at least she had someone bring her better food than what they served, and she figured that was sort of a silver lining to surviving an overdose. *** "How's it fit?" Lilian asked, as Maddison looked at herself in the mirror. "It's not too tight, it fits good!" she replied, "why do you even have something in this size?" "This is what I used to do some fairy tale themed pageants in," Lilian said, sitting down in a chair behind Maddie in front of the mirror and brushing her hair gently, "I figured it would fit you, and look at that, it still does. It's nice to have things that can still be used. Plus I don't know that I could afford anything really good as a replacement, nor do I wanna use cheap costume store crap." "Do I get a tiara?" Maddison asked, and Lilian smirked. "Yes, you get a tiara, don't worry, I have spares," Lilian said. This was the first job Maddison had ever been invited to help her with, and it was the first time in her career that Lilian was playing the queen and not just the princess. In a way, it was kind of like passing the torch to a new generation, letting go of her trauma and, from it, budding something healthier. Lilian hadn't even been told what the job was, just where it was happening and that she'd need some help, and she was more than happy to bring Maddison along with her for the ride. Ever since taking her in, while her father recovered properly, Lilian had really fallen into a mom role, something she'd never seen for herself before, and she had to admit... ...she kind of loved it. *** "I wish people would believe me when I tell them that it wasn't intentional," Alexis said, biting into the tacos that John had brought as they sat outside in the hospital garden; she chewed, swallowed then added, "like...if you overdose or nearly die in some way that could potentially be misconstrued as non accidental, everyone automatically assumes it's non accidental. It just...it makes me so mad. Yeah, I'm unhappy, but I'm not suicidal." "Isn't it nice how much attention it gets you though?" John asked, chuckling, making her smirk as he picked up his plastic cup and took a sip of his root beer through the straw before continuing, "I mean, everyone is always so nice to you after such an event. Even though they should've been nice to you beforehand to prevent such a thing, but whatever. Humans are short sighted creatures." "I wish I could just walk properly again and get back to my life and my apartment and my job, which I'm assuming I still have all of," Alex said, and John nodded, picking up a taco and taking a huge chunk from it. "Yep," he said while chewing, nodding, "absolutely. Been watching over it for you, keeping it clean, and Vera's kept you on the payroll, giving you PTO." "That's unexpectedly generous of her," Alex muttered. The conversation then fell into a lull as the two continued to eat in silence for a bit. Alexis started thinking about the night it had happened. How it had happened. She'd even considered from time to time that maybe, subconsciously, it had been intentional. Vera had given her so much shit throughout the year about her drug use, and then John had tried to show her how to be a rehabilitated person after such a long time as a user, and then with the lack of a family...Alexis might've just not cared about the intake that particular night. The last thing she could remember was lying in the bathtub and staring at the ceiling and just feeling such warmth wash over her, but not from the water. Such a euphoric feeling that it made her feel alive again. John glanced over at her and reached out, offering her his drink, which she happily took and sipped from. Even if that was the case, she still hadn't wanted to die. She wasn't suicidal. She was just reckless. There was a big, big difference, and she wished that difference could be more recognized. As she handed his drink back to him and sighed, she reached up and pushing her bangs back from her face, realizing just how long it'd been since she'd had a haircut or participated in anything remotely 'ordinary' to everyday life. She turned to John and looked down at her shoes as she spoke, almost in a whisper. "Can you take me to get a haircut?" she asked, and he nodded. "Absolutely!" he said, "I'll take you to my barber, they're the best." That made Alexis feel a little better. Maybe this was a new start for her. Maybe she could finally be better, not just for others, but for herself. After all, who needed family when you had friends. *** "I didn't know you'd be here," Lilian said, exiting her car to find Tyler leaning against his own, drinking from a can of juice. He eyeballed Lilian before turning his view to Maddie, who ran ahead of them to look at the house they were in front of. He then lowered his voice and spoke. "You brought her?" he asked. "I was asked to, actually," Lilian replied, "Vera's personal request." "That's a weird one," Tyler said, shrugging, as they headed up the walk. The front door opened and a woman was standing there, in an old fashioned button down blue dress. Lilian and Tyler hesitated momentarily, before heading closer as they watched the woman kneel down to Maddie's eye level, exchange some words, then pat her on the shoulder and let her enter. As they reached the door, Lilian smiled and bowed to the woman, which made her have a confused look on her face. "May we enter?" she asked, and the woman exited the house, pulling the door shut behind her. "I don't need adults," she said softly, "I only needed a child. That's why you specifically were requested." "Then...why are you here?" Lilian asked, and Tyler looked away, grimacing. He wasn't telling her something, and she didn't like the feeling it put in the pit of her stomach. Tyler put his hand on Lilian's shoulder, and gently walked her away from the door, over to the swinging porch bench where they sat down. He exhaled, scratched his forehead, and then spoke. "So I didn't understand why you were bringing Maddison, Vera just told me to show up because you would need company," he said, "I figured it was a normal party. I didn't know it was going to be...whatever this is." A moment passed as some kids rode by on bikes, their parents walking closely behind them, chatting amongst themselves. Lilian sighed and rested her chin on her knees. "...this isn't a life," she said quietly, "this is just...existence. This isn't a career I want to spend the rest of my time alive doing. I like it, don't get me wrong, but more often than not lately I've found myself kind of...wanting to do more. Wanting to do better. Do more good in the world or something. But then I think about what I'm actually qualified for, and my options are real fuckin limited." "Right now your biggest concern isn't even your job, but just taking care of Maddie," Tyler said, and Lilian nodded in agreement. He had a point. Maddie, at this moment, needed a loving pseudo parent, and Lilian was hell bound on giving her that. Everyone deserved a childhood, and Maddison had had enough of hers stolen from her already. In fact, today would be yet another day where she was faced with something kids her age shouldn't be faced with. As Maddie walked down the hall and towards the last door on the right at the end, she could feel a sense of unease. She slowly pushed the door open and, much to her surprise, found a very pretty room. Pink fairy string lights hung across the ceiling, lovely floral curtains, and stuffed animals from wall to wall, or so it seemed anyway. And there, laying in a beautiful old brass bedframe, snuggled beneath a plethora of quilts, was a girl about her age. Maddie stepped hesitantly inside, despite how warm and inviting the room itself appeared to be. As she approached the bed, the girl lying in it rolled her head on the pillow, their eyes meeting. In fact, now that she had a clearer view, she looked at least a year or so younger than Maddie, and this made Maddie feel even more unnerved about what she'd walked into. Maddie pulled a chair from a nearby table closer to the bed and sat herself down on it, before pulling the tiara off her head and polishing it, then placing it back atop herself. She cleared her throat and spoke. "Hello," she said, "I'm Princess Maddison, and I'm here to-" "I know why you're here," the girl replied, her voice, weak, raspy. "You do?" Maddie asked, "...could you tell me?" "Because I'm dying," the girl said. *** John was walking Alexis back to her room. It was getting late, visiting hours were almost over, and he had to leave soon. Alexis also had some self reflecting to do for her next therapy session, so she needed the time alone. As they reached the door to her room, Alexis opened it and then turned around to face John, who was still sipping the last of his soda through the straw. "...do you think I need to talk more in therapy?" Alex asked, and John furrowed his brow. "Well, I mean, that is kind of the whole point," he said. "Yeah, but I'm not even in therapy for the right reasons. They assume I tried to kill myself, so I'm there on a trumped up charge, and really the only kind of therapy I actually currently need is physical therapy, which, might I add, I'm doing great at." "I can tell, and I'm very proud of you," John remarked, "but it couldn't hurt to open up and discuss some things. You won't talk to anyone else, even me really, about your life, or your past or whatever. So maybe talking to a professional could go a long way. You never know." "...does Lilian ever ask about me?" Alex asked, her voice lowering, and John reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. "All the damn time," he replied, "that girl is your best friend, and she was extremely broken up over what happened, and continually asks me when you're coming back. The only reason she can't come see you personally is because...well..." John sighed and walked past Alex, entering her room and sitting down. "Between what she saw as a child and what she's helping Maddison deal with, I don't think she is good around death or hospitals," he continued, "and who could blame her? That's a lot for a woman in her twenties to have dealt with. I think, though, that's why you get along so well, same with me. Can't speak for Tyler, don't know the guy well enough, but as far as the three of us are concerned, we've all been dealt some shit, whether it's a rotten upbringing or the loss of loved ones or witnessing a traumatic event, and we've all survived. You find solace within those around you who have also been dealt a harsh blow, you know?" Alex nodded, entering and sitting on the bed across from the desk John had seated himself at, as she listened. "So don't hold her accountable for not coming to see you. She cares very much, but she also has to care about her own well being, and frankly...I don't like being here either, but I personally can't let you be here alone. You don't deserve that. But please don't take her non visitation as disinterest. I assure you, she's extremely interested." Alexis smiled weakly, nodding. John stood up, walked over to her and kissed her on the head before giving her a little hug, telling her he'd be back tomorrow and then heading out. He had one more hospital to visit before he could go home for the day, and he had to be there before visitation ended as well. Seemed like all he did anymore was visit girls he loved in hospitals. *** The ride home was....uncomfortable, to say the least. Lilian knew Miranda would be there when they got back to the apartment, likely making dinner, but she felt like Maddison needed to talk. The entire time driving back, Maddie hadn't been her usual, spunky energetic self, and this concerned Lilian. Lilian finally pulled into the parking lot of a nearby donut shop and stopped the car as it started to rain lightly outside. She rolled the windows up and shut the car off before unbuckling her seatbelt and turning to face Maddie, who looked all but confused. "Okay," Lilian said, "first of all, you have to know I didn't know anything about the job. I was just as surprised as you, and Tyler didn't know anything either. All Vera told him was that he needed to be there to keep me company. But you can't bottle this stuff up, believe me, you don't...you don't wanna do that." "I'm not bottling, I'm processing," Maddie replied, sniffling, "I just...it's weird to think there's kids my age or younger who die. You always think that it's older people, no offense-" "I'm not old! I'm like 27!" "-who are the ones who wind up dying, but that isn't the case. As my party proved, it can happen to anyone. But it feels wrong, doesn't it? It feels...unfair. And I guess the world IS unfair. My mom tried to kill my dad. That's unfair. So I guess I should just get to it and never-" "Okay stop," Lilian said, putting her hands on Maddie's shoulders, forcing her to look at her, as she added, "you can recognize the unfairness, yes. You can...you can absolutely recognize it, even yearn for better, but do NOT let it consume you. There is more good than bad in this world. Yes, your mother tried to kill your father, and yes that kid died at your party, but look at what positive things have come from that. We met, and now you're living with me. Isn't that a silver lining? Far be it from me to be a positive role model, but...if there's one thing I've learned in the last year, it's that, sometimes you have to do that, no matter how outside your comfort zone it might be, because if you give in, if you let the sadness win, that's when you end up down a dangerous path and you're much too young to end up like me." Maddie and Lilian's eyes were locked, and she could see Lilian was holding back tears. Here was a woman who clearly cared for her well being, who'd stepped up to be a mother figure when she most needed one, and that made Maddie smile. She leaned in and hugged Lilian, who happily hugged her back. "The world just has bad things," Lilian said softly as she rubbed Maddie's back, "but that doesn't make it a bad place." *** Alexis entered Parker Harrison's office the following day for therapy, and before he could even speak, she raised a hand as she seated herself on the couch. Parker nodded, understanding, and sitting down in his usual seat as Alex exhaled, looked down at her shoes and then spoke. "I didn't try to kill myself," she said, "but that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. I'd never act on it, but the thought has occured to me before, specifically when I was younger and living at home, and in fact, had I not managed to escape, who knows what I might've done. All I know is that I don't want to die, and I'd never try, and this was an accident because I'm not careful enough." "...fair enough," Parker replied, crossing his legs and listening. "Growing up with my parents...we weren't very wealthy at all, and we struggled a lot of time to have enough food for everyone. I had two sisters, and sometimes it felt like my folks could see the obvious failure I was going to be because they invested, openly, brazenly, far more time and interest into my sisters than they ever did in me. That really hurt, but it pushed me to show them I could survive and manage on my own, something I've been doing for a good while now. The drugs...they were just..." She paused, chewing her lip. "...they were an escape from the fact that I could't feel anything for a long time. I couldn't trust anyone because I couldn't trust my parents, and if you can't even trust the people who brought you into this world, the people meant to love you, then who CAN you trust, right? So my paranoia about others grew, and my detachment emotionally to them was something I hated. I wanted desperately to feel something, anything at all, and the drugs did that for me. But now...now I know I have friends who care and love me, and I don't need that. I don't want to go back to it. But rest assured, in spite of all of what I have said, please let me make it excessively clear that I did not. try. to kill myself." A moment passed, as Parker thought about what she'd said, and then grabbed his pad off his desk along with a pen and sat back down. "I believe you. Tell me more about your parents," he said, "please. I'd like to know what you think of them." Alex sighed. She needed that reassurance, that belief, that she hadn't tried to die on purpose, because she hadn't, and the thing she hated most was not being believed when she was more often than not never lying. And so Alexis started to tell Parker all about her folks, her sisters, her adolescence, and she started crying while she did, and she felt something, for the first time in her life, without the use of drugs. And she never wanted that to go away again.
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
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