Here's the thing about Jane Phillips...she never really intended to be a mom.
That wasn't to say that, when the time came she didn't fully embrace and appreciate it, she did the absolute best she could, but it had never exactly been a goal for her. Jane had never been exactly...steady....mentally enough to have a child, but once Lilian arrived, she didn't try and weasel out of the responsibility. If anything, she did the opposite. She enrolled Lilian - with the financial help of her own parents - into the best preschool they had around, and then to a private elementary school. She made sure Lilian knew how to read, teaching her herself, getting books from the library out together and reading them in bed at night. She never scolded, she never threatened, she never talked down to. Sure, sometimes they had arguments, but she never said anything hateful or hurtful or damaging. Standing in the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of juice and waiting for her pancakes to bubble, she saw the car pull up out front and quickly abandoned all other things to attend to the fact that her daughter had just pulled up to her house. Here's the thing about Jane Phillips...she never really intended to be a mom. But once she was, she made sure to try and be the best damn mom she could. *** "That's heavy, man," Alexis said, and Maddie nodded. Alex, Lilian, Rina and Maddie were seated in the diner, in a booth, having breakfast. Lilian had just gone to pick Maddie up from her fathers, and after Maddie told her what her mother had told her father, and what her father had, in turn, told her, Lilian knew she needed other people to hear it. Alexis picked up her toast and took a bite out of it. This was one of her free days - she got a few every month to try to acclimate herself back into society - so she was able to get out of the hospital that morning when Lilian came to pick her up as well. Rina just stared dead eyed at Maddie while mindlessly sipping her coffee. "She never came off as right in the head," Rina said, "no offense." "Please, I have no interest in defending her," Maddie replied. "So all those hunches, about your father being poisoned, I mean obviously we knew it was true but now it's like undeniable, right?" Alexis asked, "cause she just flat out admitted to attempted murder of her own spouse." "Are there any adults you can trust?" Maddie asked glumly. "You trust us, right?" Alexis asked, "well, the others. I'm not so much an adult, but you know what I mean." This made Maddie laugh a little, and that felt good. She hadn't laughed in what felt like ages. Lilian stood up, excusing herself from the table before heading to the hall where the bathrooms were. She stopped in the hallway and pulled some change from her pocket, pumping coins into the payphone and making a call. A call she didn't really want to make. A call to her mother. The phone rang a few times, and finally Jane answered, sounding out of breath. "Hello?" she asked. "Mom? Are you okay?" Lilian asked. "I was in the garage and came running when the phone rang, I'm just out of breath...and also out of shape," Jane said, making Lilian smile. "Mom, I have a favor to ask..." she said. Meanwhile, back at the table, Alexis finished her toast and sipped her coffee, sighing as she set the mug back down. "Look, my parents were awful, ARE awful," Alex said, "like...they didn't give a shit whether me or my siblings lived or died, except maybe my sister Geena. But they certainly didn't give a flat fart about me, that's for damn sure. I once almost drowned at the beach and they just went along with their day, business as usual. Parents are a crapshoot, often because birth is like the genetic lottery. You just are brought into this world, against your will, and then whoever it turns out you're assigned to can range from amazing to outright shitbag. You're lucky in that at least your father is pretty good. You could've had it worse. You could've had my parents. Granted they never tried to kill eachother, but still. Purposeful negligence is almost as bad as malicious intent." Maddie nodded, listening, but not looking up from the table. Alexis had a point, she couldn't deny it. She had always thought that she had a good family, maybe not a great family exactly, but a decent enough one. But now she could see it for what it was, an out and out lie. Just a performance. But she did have her father, and he clearly loved her to death. He was trying so hard to be the best dad he could be for her. Just then Lilian came back to the table, grabbed her coat and took Maddie by the wrist, tugging her from the booth. "We have to go do something," Lilian said, "See y'all later." As they exited hastily, Alexis looked at Rina, who raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Did she just say 'y'all'?" Rina asked. "She's been spending too much time around Tyler," Alex replied. *** "Wow, that's...that's a lot," Jane said softly. She was seated on the end of her bed as Lilian paced in front of her, Maddie waiting in the living room. "I just...I thought maybe she would feel better to talk to a mom who...who...didn't try to kill her family members," Lilian said, "I don't exactly know what to say or do to help her, and you're the only person I could think of that might. She needs an adult, a real honest to god adult, not just someone like me or my friends who are still on the cusp of burdgeoning responsibility. She needs someone with life experience. She needs....you, mom. We need you." "Well, you know I've always offered to help if I can," Jane said, "let's go out there, sit with her, chat and see what we can come away with, alright? The worst that can come from it is that she doesn't feel better, but she could never feel worse, so that's good." With that, Jane stood up, pulled her hair back into a ponytail and, with Lilian, headed out of the bedroom, down the hall and to the living room where they found Maddie sitting on the couch, looking at a book she'd pulled off a nearby shelf. As they entered, she turned her head and glanced at them. "You sure have a lot of books about the arts," Maddie said, "especially ballet." "I love dance," Jane replied, "I wanted to be a dancer when I was a little girl, but my parents wouldn't spring for lessons. They thought the arts were frivilous indulgements, but that didn't kill my interest. I read all I could, practiced when I had the chance. Never got to actually get around to doing anything with it, but it's still a passion of mine. Do you have anything in particular that you believe in, love to do, more than anything else in the world?" Maddie thought about this for a few moments, then shook her head. "I don't...I don't think I ever really...got the chance to find anything," she said quietly, "my whole life was just school and being at home with my parents. I used to be in girl scouts, but that didn't last, and I never really had any friends, but not because nobody wanted to be but because I thought my parents were enough for me. Then I met Lily, and...I guess I realized that you don't have friends just because you want them, but you become friends with the people that really understand and accept you. Which, until then, was nobody." Jane glanced at Lilian, who was seated in a chair across from the couch, and smiled at her. Lilian just shrugged. "I like what we do together, the whole party thing," Maddie said, "but I can't say it's exactly what I wanna do my whole life, no offense." "None taken, I'm with you on that," Lilian said. "But, I'm still not sure what I would do if I had a choice," Maddie said, "I feel like I don't really know who I am. I think I spent so much time just seeing myself as my parents kid, that I never thought to, you know...be a person. Is that weird?" "Not at all," Jane said, putting a hand on Maddie's shoulder, "and we'll gladly help you." Lilian smiled warmly. She had had her doubts, as her relationship with her mother had always been somewhat rocky and shifting, but she knew that deep down she did care about others, and Lilian. That she really did like to help when and if she could. It was nice to see her try and do the right thing, even if she felt a bit jealous that she hadn't listened to Lilian herself this way when she had been a child. *** Alexis was walking down the hall of the hospital, heading to her room, when she heard shoes coming up behind her and was happy to see Rick walking alongside her now. She smiled and handed the open container from the diner to him. He gladly accepted, taking half of the sandwich she had in there and biting into it as they kept walking. "Where you been?" Rick asked. "I had a free day, so I went out with a friend for breakfast," Alexis said, "why, you miss me?" "God, am I that transparent?" Rick asked, making her blush; he continued eating the sandwich as she looked at her shoes while they went down the hall together. "Next time I have a free day, or you do, or whatever, maybe..." Alexis said, trailing off. She'd never once in her life struggled to talk to someone like this, and she wasn't used to it, nor did she like it, but finally she managed to continue, "...maybe we could go do something together. Kind of, like...a date, I guess. I mean, if you wanna do that, date me, or, fuck. I don't even know what it is I'm saying. I've never dealt with these kinds of feelings before." "I wanna show you something," Rick said, taking her by the wrist and leading her to his room. Once inside he locked the door, then instructed her to sit down in a chair, which she did. He then approached a covered up easel, and, grabbing at the end of the sheet over it, tugged it off and revealed a painting. A painting of her. A painting that looked like it'd been done by a professional with years of experience. "Did...did you pay someone to do this?" Alexis asked. "No! I did this!" Rick said, laughing, "when my sister and I were growing up, our folks threw a lot of money at us, hobby wise, so we both got really into painting, sculpting, whatever. That's part of why she's a baker now. Cause that was one of the ones that clicked for her most. I always liked painting though. Did it for years. I always...I always found it was a good alternative to keep myself off drugs. Even though I, ya know, always wound up back on drugs." "It's beautiful," Alexis whispered. "Well, that's cause you're beautiful," Rick said, approaching her, kneeling in front of the chair and taking her hands in his own, adding, "I would absolutely love to go out with you the next time we both have a free day, yes. I'll ask my sister for some money, so I can take you somewhere nice and-" "We don't need to go anywhere nice, I'm a pretty easy going lady," Alexis said, snickering, "believe me, I won't say no to fast food." "Yeah, sure, neither would I, but I feel like you've never been treated to something, and you deserve to be," Rick said, surprising her; he finally looked up from their hands at her face and smiled, "you really deserve to be. I wanna do that for you, please." Alexis nodded, then looked over her shoulder at the door. "That locked well?" she asked. "Yeah, why?" "Cause I wanna make out, and I don't wanna be interrupted," she said, making Rick laugh. *** "The kid'll be okay," Jane said. She and Lilian were standing in the kitchen, washing a few dishes while Maddie sat outside on a tree swing. Lilian wiped off a mug and handed it to her mother, clearing her throat as she gripped yet another mug and started the cycle over again. "How come you never did that for me?" Lilian asked, "talked that openly, encouraged me to do pursue my own interests?" "I did the best I could, Lily," Jane said, turning to face her, "I...I didn't expect to be a mom. It wasn't on my itinerary, believe me. And my own folks were...well, let's just say I didn't have much experience to pull from, example wise. I screwed up, I know that, but I tried. I tried so hard. I hope you believe me. All I wanted was for you to feel special, like you were the best, and for everyone else to see it too." Lilian handed her mom this new mug and she put it aside with the other clean dishes. Lilian then sighed, set her washclothe down on the countertop and turned to look at her mother, who turned back to look at her. Neither woman said anything, but Lilian wanted to. She had so many things she wanted to say. "I'm an adult and I don't know what I want to do," Lilian said, on the verge of tears, "I...I like what I do, but it isn't something I wanna do forever. But I also don't know what else I want to do. Like Maddie, I don't really know who I am or what I'm really interested in. It's like I grew up into a blank template of a person. Like I'm an uncolored page from a coloring book. All the pieces are there, but nothing is filled in. It...it's hard to know what...who...I am." "You're my daughter," Jane said, "but that's an identifier, not an identity. It's just a place to start, to grow from. You might be my child, but you're your own adult. Start with that." Jane put her hand son Lilian's arms, then pulled her in for a hug. "I really did try my best," she whispered. "I know mom," Lilian replied, "we all did." By the time Lilian and Maddie were leaving, it had started raining lightly. Jane sent them home with some food, and even gave Maddie a few books of her choosing on subjects she was possibly interested in. As Lilian drove, she couldn't help but think that this was the single most productive instance of interacting with her mother in maybe her entire life, and it all came thanks to Maddie. She pulled up to a red light and stopped the car, the windshield wipers squeaking gently. She glanced over at Maddie, looking out the window. "You okay?" Lilian asked. "She killed a child. A child my age. She meant to kill my father. She might've even tried to kill me if she'd succeeded. She told me she never really wanted to have me. My mother kills people. But, if today taught me anything, it's that I might not know what I wanna be, but I do know what I don't wanna be," Maddie said. "And what's that?" "My mother." "Well," Lilian said, "that's certainly a start."
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
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