Maddie had never seen an ambulance up close before.
But that day, the day of her party...well, needless to say she'd never expected the first time she'd see one up close would be at her own birthday party. She watched as they wheeled the boy out through the backyard gate and into the ambulance, and then watched as they sped away, sirens blaring. That night, her parents doted on her more than usual, making sure she was actually okay, and while she appreciated it, she also secretly wished their involvement in her personal well being hadn't had to come at such a heavy price. And now there was an ambulance outside her house again, less than just a few months after the first time. *** "I haven't slept in 24 hours," Lillian said, rubbing her eyes as she sat in the front seat of Tyler's car while he drove, Alexis in the backseat; Lillian added, "I swear, this has been the most emotionally exhausting year of my life." "And it hasn't even been a full year," Tyler replied. "I don't wanna give up my character," Alexis muttered from the backseat, her arms folded like a ten year old having a temper tantrum, "I put a lot of time and effort into figuring out this character, who they are, what their personality is...I created them. They're not a template, they're a full fledged person with a history and a future." "I know how you feel," Lillian said, "My character is far more than just a dress and a crown. More than just an idea. She's a part of who I am. The last thing I wanna do is give up a part of myself...not again." As they pulled up to a red light, the car coming to a crawl right beside Rina's, Lillian rolled down her window and motion for her to do the same, which she did. Lillian then leaned out the window a bit, as did Rina. "I need you to tell me something right now, before we even get there...is Maddie herself okay or am I walking into something that's going to decimate me?" Lillian asked, "I need to know so I can decide whether or not to extend my therapy sessions indefinitely." "All I know is Maddie called me, she was crying, and she said an ambulance was at her house," Rina said, "She wouldn't say any more than that, and then she hung up. I just knew I couldn't face whatever it was alone. She needs the full support of her friends, not just her babysitter." Lillian nodded, understanding. The light turned green and each car began to roll ahead once again. Lillian rolled her window back up and leaned back into her chair, chewing on her thumbnail. She started to think about her mother, and the support she had doing pageants, until she no longer wanted to. Then her mother began to question her decisions, even berate her at times for a while, but eventually she came around and let Lillian back out of the spotlight. But Lillian knew how much that screwed her up, and she knew Maddie didn't deserve that. She wanted to be there for her. She wanted to be the mom she didn't have. This revelation made Lillian smile. *** When the gang finally arrived at the house, only Maddie was still there. Her mother had called Rina to babysit right after Maddie had called her, saying it was an emergency, and that was when Rina decided to go get the rest of them. Rina opened the front door, and the four of them walked inside, but Maddie was nowhere to be found. "Nice digs," Tyler said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I grew up in a shack compared to this," Alexis said. Lillian immediately headed down the hall, leaving Rina to read the little letter Maddie's mother had left for her. She reached Maddie's room, but she wasn't in there. Then she heard something shifting from a nearby room, and as she pushed the door to the laundry room open gently with her fingertips, she saw a cardboard box made up to look like a spaceship. Lillian smiled, entered the room, and quietly shut the door behind her. She got onto her knees and knocked on the front of the cardboard box until the flaps opened suddenly, revealing Maddie, wearing what looked like a mock space helmet. "...you're here?" she asked. "Rina came to-" Maddie threw her arms around Lillian and squeezed. "It's okay, you're okay now," Lillian replied, gently hugging the small girl, "it's okay Maddie, I'm here, we're all here. Do you wanna tell me what happened?" "...my dad...fell over," Maddie said, her voice cracked and wavy, "I don't know what happened. He and my mom were arguing and then he just...he just collapsed onto the table and then onto the floor. I don't understand, but I'm scared." "I understand," Lillian said, "I like your box." "It's a spaceship," Maddie said, wiping the tears from her eyes, "A lot of times, when I'm scared, I go inside and I pretend I'm flying away into outer space, and that I'm an astronaut in search of a better world. I did all the drawing on it myself." "It looks great," Lillian said, "You know...when I was your age, after I stopped doing beauty pageants, I used to hide in my closet and pretend it was a dungeon. I was a princess locked away for crimes against the queen. Big surprise that I wound up playing a princess later in life, isn't it?" Both girls sat in silence, neither one even barely breathing, until Maddie finally mumbled. "I can't live with them anymore," she said softly, "...they're not bad people, but they are bad parents." Lillian's heart broke a little more by hearing that, probably because she herself completely understood the sentiment. *** Vera was sitting at her desk when her door flung open and Lillian stormed inside, Alexis right behind her, looking afraid. Vera looked up, put her pen down and sighed. "I figured you'd turn up sooner or later," she said. "How could you let this happen?" Lillian asked, "We trusted you to protect us, and now-" "You think I'm happy about this? I did everything I could to push against it, but in the end my opinion doesn't mean shit compared to a company bleeding money. We're products, plain and simple, and what does a company do when faced with potential bankruptcy? They liquidate their assets, IE, us." "I'm not exactly against being under new management," Lillian said. "I am," Alexis said, raising her hand, "She...she doesn't speak for me." "But I AM against the idea of having our characters taken from us," Lillian finished, "We are not just people in costumes. These characters represent facets of our personality and they can't just take them away. They're our characters, not theirs." "They're not even characters, Lil! They're templates! You're a template!" Vera said, standing up now, "I know it sucks, I know, and believe me, I am still fighting tooth and nail to maybe undo some of the damage done here, but in the end I only have so much power!" "...but you didn't," Alexis said quietly, catching Vera's attention now, as she continued, "I mean, you might say you did, and you might have done a little complaining, but look at the difference. You work for them, plain and simple. You're their employee, so you have to do whatever they say, even if you disagree or have complaints. In the end, you're not one of us, you're one of them, so you wouldn't know how much it hurts to have something so close to you ripped away from you...something you spent so much time on, something that means so much to you. Because you're not portraying an employee, you actually are an employee, and that's the irony...we're the ones playing pretend and yet we're far less fake than you'll ever be." Alex turned and stomped out of the room, leaving Lillian behind. Lillian sighed, rubbed her face and looked at Vera. "Don't...don't pay any mind to her," she said, "I'll talk to her. Just as she said, her views don't represent me. But if this is going to happen, I think we're going to leave and...and maybe start our own company. Retain our characters, maybe even broaden the scope of our job. Come with us, Vera. We could use your financial expertise." Vera smirked and folded her arms, looking at her shoes. "I'll think about it. That's a pretty gutsy move for a group of people with unstable lives, I admit," Vera said, "Be kinda fun to be along for that ride." "Well, I never said we were great at making decisions," Lillian said, the both of them chuckling. After a few minutes, when Lillian exited the room, she found Alexis was no longer nearby. She sighed, headed to the parking lot and drove home. Meanwhile, Alexis had also made her way back home. She shut off all her lights when she got inside, locked the door and sat down on her couch. She pulled a small box out from under her coffee table and she opened it, pulling out her coke and plopping the small baggie on the table. She leaned back into her couch and looked up at the ceiling, wanting to cry. After a few minutes, she exhaled, leaned forward and started making lines when there was suddenly a knock at her door. She groaned, stood up, pulled a magazine over the stuff on her table and headed to answer the door. As she pulled it open, she was surprised to find Lillian there. "Why did you vanish?" Lillian asked. "Cause, why not, nothing matters, nothing's going to change," Alex muttered. "That's where you're wrong," Lillian said, "...how would you like to be co-owner of a business venture?" Alexis was intrigued, to say the least. 5 MONTHS LATER Lillian pulled up to the parking lot and slowly put her car into her spot, sighing. She looked over at the passenger seat, where Maddie was seated. She'd picked her up from school, since she'd been spending a lot of time alone lately. "You just gonna do your homework while we have this meeting?" Lillian asked, and Maddie nodded. "I might need some help," she said. "Tyler should be here, he'll be able to help you," Lillian said, just as someone else pulled into the parking lot right beside her, rock music blaring from the speakers. Lillian smiled, knowing it was Alex. Alexis turned her car off, got out and knocked on the window, which Lillian happily rolled down and asked, "Wow, you've never been on time before, this is a nice change of pace." "What can I say, it's easier to care about something when you have an actual personal stake in it," Alex said, before cocking her head, smiling and wiggling her fingers, saying, "Hi Maddie." "Hi Alexis!" "Tyler's already here," Lillian said, "I saw his car, so." "Cool," Alexis said. Lillian and Maddie got out of the car and headed through the parking lot, towards the building, just as a scooter pulled into the lot nearby and Rina parked. She climbed off, pulled her helmet off and shook her hair out before racing over to join them. The four girls continued walking towards the building together now. "This is so surreal," Alexis said. "It really is," Lillian said, "But it feels right." The door opened and Vera leaned out of the door. "Hurry up!" she shouted, "We need to get started!" As they all rushed inside, Vera stopped Maddie and knelt down to be eye level with her. "Lillian's got a surprise for you, you wanna see it?" she asked, and Maddie nodded eagerly. Maddie took Lillian's hand and the two walked down the hallway. Lillian had been worried that it wouldn't come out well, or that she wouldn't like it, but now that the moment was here, she was just excited to see Maddie's reaction. As they reached a door, Lillian pulled it open and saw Maddie jump up and down, screaming as she raced inside the room. Inside was a plastic playset, designed to look like a rocket ship. Maddie rushed right up to it and started looking at it from every angle. "This is so cool!" she shouted. "I figured you'd like it," Lillian said, "I had it built specifically for you, so you'd have somewhere comforting to go to when things get bad or you just don't wanna be at home." "You did this for me? It's all mine?" Maddie asked, turning to Lillian, her eyes wide. "It's all for you. When we were designing the offices, I requested this be done. There was an extra room, and we already had the party room planned out, so we didn't know what to do with the space and we didn't want it to just be storage. I came up with the idea because I remembered your box at home." Maddie hugged Lillian around the waist tightly, and Lillian stroked her hair. "Thank you," Maddie whispered. "Everyone deserves a place of their own," Lillian said, "So you're welcome. Now go sit in it and do your homework. I'll be in the meeting if you need anything." Lillian exited the room while Maddie settled into her rocket ship cockpit. Lillian leaned against the wall and sighed, shutting her eyes, only opening them when she heard someone walking up to her, and she opened her eyes to see Josh walking up to her. Their hair had grown even longer, and their nails were painted. They were wearing jeans and a feminine button down shirt. Lillian smiled upon seeing them. "I'm glad you're here," she said. "I'm glad I was able to come," Josh said, "I had work, so." "We're about to start the meeting," Lillian said, and she took their hand and led them down the hall to the meeting room. The group had come together to pool their wages, their savings, and a small loan, in order to sublet this small building and start their own company, just as Lillian had suggested. Lillian, Vera, Tyler and Alexis were all co-owners, and they each got to remain the characters they had always had. Meanwhile, Maddie was in her cockpit of her spaceship, getting her homework ready on her lap. She looked at all the realistic instruments on the panel and all the blinking lights. She shut the door to the ship, and when she did, she noticed projections began on the window that mimicked flying through space. Maddie grinned widely, and she pulled her space helmet out of her backpack, putting it over her head. The vastness of space, a universe full of potential, was ahead of her. And she couldn't wait to see where it led.
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"You know, I'm starting to think I'm cursed," Lillian said, making Greg furrow his brow, cross his legs and tap his pen on his clipboard.
"How so?" he asked. "I'm surrounded by death," she continued, "Ever since getting involved with this kid, death seems to have followed me. There was the kid at her party, then the kid from our neighborhood on Halloween, and now this guy I visited in the hospital." "But he didn't die," Greg said, "right? I mean, wouldn't that mean you aren't cursed?" "One outlier doesn't disprove a hypothesis," Lillian said. "I'm pretty sure that's exactly what an outlier does," Greg said, smirking, "But please, continue." "Well, we were eating at the diner we usually meet in when I was given the assignment," Lillian said. *** "You want me to visit a hospital?" Lillian asked. "Why don't I ever get to do any cool events? Why don't I ever get to go to like...like a wake, or something?" Alex asked as she scooped eggs into her mouth, making Tyler laugh. Vera smiled and folded her arms on the tabletop. "Do you wanna go to a wake? Because I can arrange that," Vera said. "Why am I going to a hospital? Oh jesus, it's not the childrens ward, is it?" Lillian asked. "No, it's not. It's a personal request," Vera said, "From a young man in college. He was hit crossing the road earlier this week near the campus and he's been feeling down ever since. He specifically asked for a princess to come and lift his spirits." "Oh, well...that doesn't sound too bad actually," Lillian said. "How come we only do birthday parties? How come we never do anything else? There's other kinds of parties and events you know," Alex said, "How come we're only ever asked to do birthdays?" "Because most adult parties don't require costumed assistance or entertainment," Vera said. "I'll have you know most of the adult parties I've been to have relied heavily on costuming," Alexis said, as everyone looked at her; she finished chewing her eggs, swallowed and then quietly added, "and I won't say another word about that." After breakfast, Lillian headed over to the hospital. It was a fairly nice hospital on the upperclass side of town. She entered, followed the directions to the room number she was given by Vera and then, after exhaling deeply and preparing herself, knocked on the door. A voice told her to come in, and she put her hand on the knob, twisted it open and walked inside. *** "I didn't know, when I entered the room, that I was going to be walking into something so..." Lillian paused, choosing her words carefully. "Upsetting?" Greg asked, as she shook her head. "No, uplifting," Lillian replied, "Uplifting is the word. It was a really heartwarming experience. After being followed by death and sadness for months, this felt like a much needed change of pace. This person was...so great, and I'm so happy Vera gave me the assignment. For once, a man asked me to keep my crown on, and it wasn't for a creepy reason." Greg smiled, nodding, writing something down. "Please, go on," he said. *** "Hello?" Lillian asked as she entered cautiously, spotting a young man with long brunette hair lying in the bed, their legs wrapped in casts. They smiled upon seeing Lillian. "Hi!" they said, "Please, have a seat!" "Thank you," Lillian said, seating herself in the chair beside the bed, "So, how're things?" "Not too great as you can see," the man replied, "but better now, I guess, since I have some company." "Your parents haven't come to see you, or?" "Oh no, they've been here regularly," he said, "But they have to work during the day, and so I just...I didn't like spending all my time here alone. I like your dress. It's very sparkly." "It is indeed very sparkly, isn't it?" Lillian said, tugging gently at her waist and smiling, "I had it custom made. The company said I could do whatever I wanted, costume wise, so I hired someone to design something and this is what they came up with. I love it." "It's so pretty," the man said, sighing, "Everything about princesses is pretty. I begged my mom to let me be a princess for Halloween one year, and she relented much to my surprise. After seeing how happy it made me, she never questioned me again, which was nice. Even then, that was just a shoddy little store bought costume, not something spectacular like this." "It's nice your parents are so understanding," Lillian said, smiling at him warmly, "My mom and I have...issues. We're slowly working on them, but it's difficult." "My father has taken some time to come around, but...I guess he's pretty on board with who I am and what I like at this point. He used to seem ashamed. Now he just seems happy that I'm happy and sometimes I think that's really all you can hope for out of a parent. Mild acceptance and somewhat conditional love. My name's Josh, by the way." Josh held his hand out and Lillian happily shook it. "Lillian," she replied, "So how bad is the damage?" "Eh, they say I'll be alright, which is good cause I'm a professional swimmer," Josh said, "I kinda need my legs to make a living." "Having nearly been a model on the catwalk, I kinda know what you mean," Lillian said, making Josh chuckle. "Can I see your crown?" he asked, and Lillian happily removed it from her head and handed it to him. He carefully took it and turned it over in his hands, admiring it from all angles; his eyes watered, and he said, "...it's so hard to know yourself as a child. To know who you are instead of slowly figuring it out. You'd think it'd be easier, but it isn't. It wasn't." "It really wasn't, you're not wrong," Lillian replied, shifting in her chair, adding, "I didn't know myself super well, but-" "No, no, I don't mean, well I'm sorry, I don't mean to invalidate what you're saying, I'm sure you're right too, but I didn't really mean it in the sense of knowing who you are, but knowing who you're supposed to be. But...but nobody sees you the way you see you, you know? When you looked in the mirror, did you see a princess?" "I...I saw a scared little girl who didn't know how to ask for help," Lillian said. "Yeah," Josh said, whispering, almost crying, "...me too." *** "Sounds like a rather emotional situation to be thrust into," Greg said, "How did you handle that?" "I just let them talk," Lillian said, "It seemed like they wanted to talk to someone more than have a proper conversation, so I just let them do that. It was...enlightening to say the least. And really, after the party Tyler and I did together earlier this year, my mind was a lot more open to the idea of gender non conforming folk, so talking to Josh was a really easy experience. Not that I was ever closed minded about it or anything, I just...I have never really known any personally." "Understandable," Greg replied, leaning forward, "Lillian, can I ask you a question?" "I mean, isn't that what the whole basis of being a therapist is?" Lillian asked, making him chuckle. "I suppose," he said before clearing his throat, "Tell me something though...do you understand where they're coming from?" "I sort of do. I mean, being forced into beauty pageants make you somewhat, or at least it made me, somewhat unnerved by femininity. Which sucks, because I actually love being feminine. But femininity is so capitalized, so industrialized, used in such a negative way and viewed in such a negative light that it makes it hard for me to find pride in it. This is why I prefer not to wear dresses outside of my costume, generally. So yeah, I like to think that I'm somewhat understanding of these peoples feelings regarding gender." "That's fair," Greg said, "Please, go on." "Well, as I said, I gave them the crown..." *** "Looking in the mirror has always been painful," Josh said, "Seeing someone I didn't recognize, seeing someone who didn't look how I looked in my head. Seeing someone everyone other than me saw. That's why I like costumes, because you get to be someone other than yourself." "I feel it," Lillian said, leaning back in her chair and nodding, "I hate being myself." "I don't hate being myself, I hate being the version of me others thought there was," Josh said, "I actually love being myself. But even when you've got approval, it makes it awkward. I so badly want to be myself and I know my parents would let me, and it's not like they have any say cause I'm legally an adult now, but...we're so conditioned by society not to question our elders, and to respect our parents, that I don't wanna do anything that might make them uncomfortable. But how is that fair? Cause by living this way, I'm uncomfortable." Josh sighed and looked at the emerald in the crown tip, rubbing their thumb over it and smiling. "...I guess I never thought about the fact that I just took my femininity for granted. Something that seems to necessary to others seemed so ordinary to me. I feel kinda bad about that," Lillian said softly. "Oh, please, don't feel bad! I'm sorry! I didn't wanna make you sad! I just...I'm jealous. That's all. I'm jealous and I wanted a princess to come and cheer me up because that's what princesses do, right? They make everything better. They spread joy and cheer. They bring happiness to the world." "I suppose," Lillian said, "I'm not very good at that though." "Well, you're making me feel better, so I'll be the judge of your skills," Josh said, making her laugh; he handed her the crown and said, "Maybe someday I'll be brave like a princess, but until that day comes, I suppose just knowing one will have to do." Lillian took her crown and quickly wiped at her eyes with her sleeve when Josh wasn't looking. *** "Sorry to interrupt, but...if you're so sketch about femininity, may I ask why you picked a princess? The most girly character there is?" Greg asked, "I'm sorry if this is sort of out of line, I'm just...I'm a little curious behind the decision." "I told you it has to do with the accident at Disneyland," Lillian said, "Remember?" "That can't be the whole reason though," Greg said, "I mean surely you must-" "Little girls are called princesses, we're entered in beauty pageants, wrapped in the color pink when we're born. Femininity is literally all encompassing. From the moment you're brought into this world, if you're a girl, you're valued by nothing other than your looks. Sure, not by your parents exactly, but by mostly everyone. And okay, maybe that's finally starting to change, but..." Lillian exhaled and pulled her hair back into a big ponytail before talking again. "...but maybe I wanted to prove that not every princess has to be happy. Think about what a princess has to go through, has to endure. The weight of an entire kingdom resting on her shoulders once she inherits the throne? That's a lot of pressure to put on a little girl! Everyone's looking to you for guidance! And little girls are expected to grow up quickly enough as it is, so...so I guess I just wanted other little girls to see that, hey, sometimes being a princess AND being sad is okay." "Hmmm, that's...oddly heroic of you," Greg said, "And I suppose you're right. Little girls are always told to be happy and smiling, which is why so many never get their depression rightfully diagnosed, because they become so good at masking. At pretending to be something they're not." "We're all pretending to be something we're not, is what I'm slowly learning," Lillian said, "but in Josh's case, the thing they're pretending to be is something they don't want to be." *** "Maybe this was a sign," Josh said, sighing, shrugging. "Yeah, a sign to watch for traffic signals," Lillian replied, making them laugh. "No, you know what I mean. A sign to, you know, be more careful about life in general. Stop being so short sighted and instead embrace the difference instead of fearing it," Josh said, "Who cares if my parents don't fully approve, you know? I can't reach the end of my life being someone I'm not. You don't get a second shot. I have to do the things I need to do now, while I have the chance." Lillian nodded and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and nodding. "I know what you mean," she said, "Recently I've befriended this little girl who had a kid die at her birthday party, and it's made reassess what's actually important to me. I like being there for others. I like helping. I'm sick of being so selfish all the time, and I'm sick of certain aspects of my personality. Change is good, not bad, and even if the change is bad, it's only bad momentarily. It all winds up good in the end, right?" "I'd like to think so," Josh said, "Here, give me your hand." Lillian raised an eyebrow, curious, but did as they asked and reached out. Josh grabbed a pen off a nearby table and jotted their name and number down on her hand. "Give me a call sometime, because I'd really like to see you again, outside of such a weird situation. If, ya know, that's okay," they said. "That's perfectly okay," Lillian responded, smiling warmly, "I'd...I'd really like that." "Maybe you can take me to the ball when I get out of here." Lillian laughed. It was the first time she'd genuinely laughed in weeks. Things had been so dark, so tense lately, that this was the only thing that had made her feel good about what she was doing with her life. Truth be told, she couldn't wait to see Josh again, and she found herself finally looking forward to something for a change. But this wasn't was bothering her. *** "So wait, you had a great time, met someone you really connected with, and it all went better than expected, so why'd you schedule an emergency appointment?" Greg asked, "I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused is all." "Because that was just the start," Lillian said, "Vera gave me that assignment, and everyone else an assignment, to get us out of her hair that night so she could have a meeting with corporate. By the time I got home, any good from that day was erased by what I went home to." Greg furrowed his brow, concerned, as Lillian finished telling him about her day. *** Reaching her floor, Lillian stepped out of the elevator in her apartment building, and began heading down the hall towards her door. She looked down at her hand again and smiled. Josh even had feminine handwriting, and she found it rather cute. It wasn't until she looked back up to see Alexis and Tyler sitting outside her apartment that she began to feel something other than happiness. "What are you guys doing here?" she asked as she approached, pulling her keys from her purse. "We needed to see you immediately," Tyler said. "Well let me get through the door first," Lillian said, opening the door to the apartment and letting them in, then following them in herself. She shut and locked the door behind her, then turned to see them standing facing her, both looking sullen; she scowled and asked, "...what's happened?" "It's Vera," Alexis said, "She tried to fight it, but she couldn't. The company's being sold to a big conglomerate and we're just merchandise to be shuffled around under new management." "...what?" "Yeah, and they say we may not get to keep the characters we've been," Tyler said. "WHAT?" Lillian asked, now feeling outraged just as someone knocked on her door; she groaned then went to answer it, saying, "Jesus, could things get any fucking worse..." As she pulled the apartment door back open, she spotted Rina standing there. "...what're you doing here?!" she asked Rina. "...you need to come with me," she said, "Something's happened to Maddie." "Thank god," Rina said, opening the front door to find Lillian standing there in jeans and a t-shirt from an old mini golf establishment.
"Don't thank god, thank me, I'm the one filling in," Lillian said, making Rina smile as she stepped aside, thusly allowing Lillian entrance into the home. Rina went and grabbed her backpack from the couch, stuffed her coat inside of it and hurried around, making sure she didn't forget anything. Lillian stood back and watched, her arms folded as she leaned against the wall. "Boy you're exhausting to watch," she finally said, making her laugh again. "Listen, don't worry, her folks won't be back until super late and I'll be back in just a few hours. I just really need to study for this thing for my course," Rina said as she zipped her backpack up and pulled it on over her shoulders, Lillian helping her move her hair out of the way so it wasn't snagged by the straps; she continued, "Maddie is just coloring right now, but I've already got dinner on the way and I paid, so if you could just tip the delivery guy that'd be great. Otherwise just do whatever, help yourself to whatever and just have a good time. You have no idea how grateful I am of this last minute help." "It's no problem. I don't have work this week, and I sure as hell never have any social obligations to speak of, so I had the time," Lillian said, patting Rina on the shoulder, adding, "you just get your studying done and get back here whenever. We'll be fine." Rina thanked her again, gave her a quick hug and then rushed out the door. Lillian looked around the living room and exhaled deeply, blowing her bangs from her face. Wow. It'd been a long time since she'd babysat. After putting her own things down - she hadn't brought much, just a small backpack with a book for after Maddie fell asleep, a few snacks for herself and a little pill case with tums and other such low key medicine in case she felt sick at any point - Lillian went to the fridge and poured herself a glass or orange juice from the pitcher. She drank it, then headed down the hall towards Maddie's room, all the while looking at the photos hanging on the walls. Suddenly what she'd said at the memorial made more sense, because Lillian began to notice that indeed Maddie had no photos of herself with her parents. There were photos of her, school portraits or birthday shots, and then photos of her parents, but none of the three together. This struck Lillian as a bit odd, to be that openly separated from your own child, but she ignored it and knocked on the bedroom door. After a moment of silence, she opened the door and looked inside, finding Maddie coloring on the floor, headphones over her ears. She smiled big and pulled her headphones off once she saw Lillian. "Come in! I have lots of colored pencils!" Maddie said, and Lillian smiled, nodding, entering further and sitting down on the floor with her. "What're you coloring?" she asked. "It's a big book of dinosaurs. I got it at the history museum downtown during my last school fieldtrip!" she said excitedly. "I haven't been to a museum in ages," Lillian said, "I should probably rectify that." "That's a weird word, rectify," Maddie replied. "So your parents went out?" "They always go out on Friday nights," Maddie said, safely coloring in a Brontosaurus, adding, "I heard them say once that it was because their marriage counselor suggested it was a good thing to do, but I don't know why you'd need a counselor to have a good marriage. At school, we have a student counselor who helps kids with problems, but don't you stop having problems when you're an adult?" "God if only," Lillian said, chuckling, "unfortunately problems only accumulate as you get older." "It's nice to know there's so much to look forward to," Maddy said dryly. "Marriage isn't easy for some people, for others it's a breeze, it just depends," Lillian said, "but you should be happy they're at least trying instead of just giving up like a lot of kids parents do. Lord knows my parents didn't try, but I'm the rare exception where it turned out their failure was for the betterment of my personhood." "What do you mean?" Maddie asked, stopping coloring and looking up at her, now listening intently. "I mean that...that because they acknowledged that what they had would never work, instead of trying to force it, they split up amicably and stayed friends, unlike other kids parents who forced themselves to stay together to the point where it became either unsafe or unhealthy for all involved parties. My folks recognized it was best for everyone, especially for me, to just stay apart and raise me their own ways." Maddie sat upright, one hand wrapped around a colored pencil, the other tugging at her braid. "...mom and dad try not to fight in front of me," she said quietly, "but they forget. They don't fight over me, really, they just fight in general about everything else. But they're so busy fighting that I'm forgotten about a lot." "Well," Lillian said, "it's a good thing you have adult friends who think about you then, isn't it?" Maddie smiled and nodded. "Come on," Lillian said, "let's see if dinner has arrived." *** "Honey, don't you wanna go in the backyard? The family's waiting out there to see you!" Lillian's mother said as she entered the kitchen, only to discover Lillian was no longer hiding out in the kitchen like she had been scant moments ago. Jane looked towards the hallway, seeing her ex husband, Al, coming out from the bathroom. "What's going on? You talking to me?" he asked, zipping his fly up. "No, I was...have you seen Lily? She was just in here a minute ago," Jane said, "Her aunts and uncles and cousins wanna see her, and it's almost time to blow out the candles on the cake." "Well, keep looking, I'll take the cake out and get everything ready," Al said. Little did they know, but Lillian was actually hiding out in the plastic play castle her father had bought and assembled for her a few years back, trying not to be found. She hated her birthday, and she hated this birthday in particular. She had no friends, and she felt awkward around her family. She hated getting older. Soon she'd be off to middle school, and that terrified her. Suddenly she felt the castle shift, and she scrambled to look through the little window only to see the clown her parents had hired standing in the side yard beside the castle, uncapping a beer. "You knocked into my castle," she said coldly, surprising him as he turned to face her. He couldn't have been older than 22. "Oh, sorry," he said, "I...I didn't mean to. Aren't you the birthday girl? What're you doing hiding in here?" He got on his knees, pushed the little door open and crawled inside. "Let me in," he said, "boy, it's kinda cozy in here actually. What's the matter, you don't wanna be at your own party?" "I don't have any friends." "You have Stinko!" the clown said, pointing at himself as he sipped his beer, "Stinko's your pal, least for today." "Aren't you not supposed to drink while working?" Lillian asked, nearly scowling at him. ",,,I won't tell on you if you won't tell on me," he said, holding his hand out for a pinky promise, which she took after a moment of slight hesitation. "Deal," she said. "And besides, who needs friends, you know what friends get you? Problems. The more people you have in your life, the more things you'll have to deal with. If all you ever got is yourself, then the only issues you have to worry about are your own! Worrying about others is exhausting, really," Stinko said. "That sounds so lonely though," Lillian said. "Sure, it gets lonely, but it beats the alternative." "Which is?" "Which is having to put up with others who are only there to take advantage of you," Stinko said, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, "I mean, think about it, so many people are only together because of what they can get out of the person they're with. There's those rare exceptions, certainly, where they actually genuinely love and care for one another, but that's not the norm. People are selfish, self entitled narcissistic little monsters out to please themselves and only themselves. Hell, the mere fact that parents act like putting a roof over your head and feeding you and giving you an education is a gift instead of what you're owed says it all. They chose to have a child, and then they complain about what it forces them to do. It's like buying a car. You don't wanna pay for gas? Don't drive. Very simple." "...I'm not a car," Lillian said, furrowing her brow at Stinko. "I know you're not a car, kid," he said, "I'm just making the point that everyone, even your own folks, are hypocritical people only looking out for their own interests and gains. They can treat a kid like shit their whole lives and then when they get older ask their kid to take care of them, and the kid often feels responsibility to do so, because society has taught them that to say no to their parents is wrong, even if their parents wronged them for years prior." "But don't they say two wrongs don't make a right?" Lillian asked. "You know who probably coined that phrase? Someone who didn't want their actions to be justifiably called out," Stinko said, taking another long swig of beer, then patting her on the shoulder, "that's why we look to entertainers; actors, artists, to make us feel better. Lift our spirits." "Clowns?" "Even clowns, like Stinko. Stinko's your friend, but only because I'm contractually obligated to be," Stinko said, "but hey, at least I'm upfront about it." Lillian giggled as Stinko reached up his sleeve, pulled out a balloon and blew into it, quickly making a blow up dog and handing it to her. "Happy birthday kid," he said, ruffling her hair, "Now go eat your cake." Lillian didn't know it at the time, but Stinko's presence had a profound effect on her life and her viewpoints on relationships. Sure, she never turned out as bleak as he did, but she found some sort of solace in the fact that, even if only momentarily, she had an adult friend who didn't talk down to her, and who validated the way she felt. Ever since then she had made it her goal in life to hear children, to help children, and to heal children. Maddie, especially, was no exception. *** After they ate, the girls played a few board games, watched a few episodes of Maddie's favorite cartoon, and then, when Maddie was beginning to yawn, Lillian suggested she go to bed. Maddie didn't argue. Lillian picked her up off the couch and carried her down the hall, pushing open her bedroom door with her elbow and bringing her inside, laying her down in her bed and pulling the blankets up around. Maddie's eyes were fluttering, seemingly on the verge of sleep, but she reached down to beside her bed and pulled out a little book and handed it to Lillian as she seated herself on the bedside. "What is this?" Lillian asked. "It's a storybook about Rapunzel, it's my favorite bedtime story," Maddie said, "I was hoping you'd read it to me. Rina always reads me bedtime stories." "You're not too old for that?" "Even if I was, would I care?" Maddie asked, making Lillian laugh loudly. "Fair enough," she replied, opening the book and saying, "you know, Rapunzel was always my favorite too. I really related to feeling trapped by a mom who only wanted me for the use of my beauty. I mean, my mom loves me, I know that, but still...she was so heavily focused on the pageants that sometimes it felt like I was a product and not a person." "I stay in my room so much, cause I'm scared of seeing my parents fight, that I relate to Rapunzel because she's stuck in her room all the time. Knowing you is like knowing a real life Rapunzel, and I guess it's nice to know that people like us end up okay," Maddie said. Lillian felt her heart crack, and forced a smile on her face as she stroked Maddie's hair. She read the story, waited for Maddie to fall asleep, then left the room. As she exited, quietly pulling the door shut behind her, she leaned against it, clasped a hand over her mouth and began to sob silently. A few hours later, after falling asleep on the couch, she felt a hand shaking her gently on the shoulder to awaken her, and opened her eyes to find herself looking at Rina, kneeling beside her. "Hey," Rina whispered, "I'm back, did everything go-" But before she could even finish, Lillian lunged forward and squeezed her tightly, crying against her. Rina was surprised, but hugged her back, patting her, telling her it was okay. Rina paid Lillian for her time, let her take the leftovers from dinner, and the two said goodnight. Lillian got in her car, started it up and then started driving home. When she pulled up to her apartment, she parked, headed upstairs and found Alexis sitting against the wall beside her door, looking haggard and shivering. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her hair was a mess. Lillian knelt down and helped her up, knowing she was clearly going through a withdrawal of some kind. "Come on," she whispered, "let's clean you up." Lillian helped Alexis bathe, then gave her some pajamas and let her sleep on her couch. She covered her up in a quilt and then went to bed herself. When she woke up in the morning, she was surprised to find Alexis lying in the bed beside her, hugging her. Lillian just smiled and shut her eyes, letting her friend get the comfort she needed. After a few minutes, Alexis whispered, surprising Lillian. "I'm sorry," she said softly, "I hope this isn't weird. I was just so cold. I needed to feel safe." "It's fine," Lillian said, patting her friends hand, "take as long as you need." But, when Maddie woke up that morning, Rina was already gone, and she could hear her parents bickering quietly in the living room. She got up, put some blankets against the bottom of the bedroom door and then turned, going back to her bed, until she noticed a piece of paper against her lamp. It was a picture Lillian had drawn of herself and Maddie, both as princesses, in front of a giant tower. Maddie smiled and hugged the picture to her chest. Just like Stinko had done for Lillian, Lillian had become a friend to a child, making her feel just slightly less alone in the world. Because the world is scary enough, especially when you're a kid, the last thing you need is to be alone as well. |
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
April 2024
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