That blinding light, shining right in Lillian's eyes, making her squint upwards as she attempted to stumble onto the stage, in front of all the other little girls, facing the crowd in front of her. She could see her mother sitting in a first row seat, filming her with a camcorder, grinning happily. Lillian just wanted to scream and run away. She looked to the judges table, and saw one of the men adjust his microphone. He was a handsome enough man, in his early thirties, who had the look of a cool college professor. He lifted up his cards and cleared this throat.
"Lillian Phillips...please, in your own words, tell me why you think you deserve to be The Harvest Queen this fall?" he asked, making Lillian blink a few times, trying to figure out her response. She shouldn't have had to think; she and her mother had rehearsed this a million times over, and she knew the correct response to give. And yet... ...that wasn't the answer she'd wind up giving, and the one she'd wind up giving would end her beauty pageant career for good. *** Lillian had a week off. For the first time in months, she had an entire week off, and she was grateful for it. She'd ordered in last night, stayed up watching crappy game show reruns and eventually passed out on her couch, chinese boxes littering her coffee table, her robe partially open. She only woke up because her landline rang, rudely interrupting her sleep. She groaned, rolled off the couch to her feet and walked across the room towards the landline hanging on the wall in the nearby kitchen of her apartment. She picked it up, still half asleep, and rubbed her eyes. "Yeeeah, hello?" she asked. "Lily! It's mom!" Her heart sank. "Hello," she said flatly. "I'm in need of some help, if you'd be so willing," her mother said. "Depends on what it is I have to do," Lillian replied. "Oh, nothing, I just want you to come with me on some errands and give me your opinions on some stuff I'm buying," she said, which made Lillian feel a little bit better. "Yeah, okay, that sounds...normal," Lillian said, making her mother laugh. "I'll be there in a half hour, okay? I'm bringing coffee and donuts, and we can eat in the car!" she said, before hanging up without even saying goodbye. Lillian hung up as well, then stared at the phone. She picked it up and slammed it into the base a number of times before calmly hanging up one last time again. It sounded normal, sure, but it rarely if ever was. Lillian got dressed; a plain white v neck t-shirt under some overalls and pulled her hair in pigtails. Seemed like she always regressed to being a kid when she was around her mother, which she was certain her therapist would have an absolute field day with if he knew. She packed a small pleather backpack full of some items (a book, some medication, a water bottle and some granola bars; just odds and ends for a day out) and tossed it on her back before heading to the parking lot of the apartment to wait for her mother. When her mother pulled up in her car, Lillian almost didn't recognize it. After it slowed to a crawl, the door opened automatically and Lillian climbed inside, clicking her seatbelt tight as her mother leaned in and kissed her cheek. "This car looks new," Lillian said. "It is," Jane said, "Well, relatively new. Figured it was time for a little upgrade, considering I'd been driving that old car since you were a kid." "Well it's nice," Lillian said, almost impressed, adding, "...so, what exactly is it you need me to do?" "I just wanted to spend the day with my daughter," Jane said, "Is that too much to ask?" "I don't know. Sometimes things don't go too well..." "Well, I recognize that, but it doesn't mean we should stop trying," Jane said, making Lillian smirk, even if she remained somewhat hesitant. Her mother was nothing if not smooth, a trait Lillian herself had always admired and envied for herself. Unfortunately, she'd seemed to have been saddled with her fathers blunt awkwardness. Jane pulled out of the parking lot and began heading down the street, the late October sun shining down through the somewhat grey sky, warming Lillian's face. She shut her eyes, rolled the window down a smidge and took in the sound of the crunching leaves beneath her mothers tires. "You doing anything for Halloween this week?" Jane asked. "Um, I have to go to a work party, yeah," Lillian replied, "Why? Are you doing something?" "I'm having a get together with some of the other women on my block," Jane said, "Nothing special, just something low key while their kids are out trick or treating, you know. That's actually part of why I needed your help today, I need to find a Halloween costume to wear." Lillian genuinely smiled. "Well, okay, I can definitely help with that," Lillian said. She liked these good times. She liked them so much, she often forgot that most of her life with her mother had been bad times. *** An hour before the show had started, Lillian had been in the dressing room with the other little girls and their mothers, but now she was the only one still in there. She was tired, she was scared, and she didn't want to go out on stage. Her mother had forgotten the camera, so she had to quickly run home to grab it, telling Lillian not to leave the room until she got back, something Lillian happily obliged to. Sitting there on the little couch, eating apple slices from a tupperware on the table and reading a book, there was a knock on the door. Lillian looked up at it to see the door slowly open, and that handsome young looking judge peer inside cautiously. "Hey, just wanted to make sure nobody was still in here, you're all on in about an hour," he said, coming in and shutting the door behind him. "I know, my mom forgot the video camera," Lillian said. "Ah, okay then," he said, sitting down on the coffee table across from her. Lillian liked his cool grey suit, and his slacked haircut, his beard stubble, his green eyes. He was extremely charming, and she understood why he was one of the judges; he cocked his head at her and asked, "What are you reading?" "It's a fantasy book about a time traveling cat," Lillian said. "That's pretty cool. Do you have cats?" "No, my dad's allergic. I want a cat, but I can't have one," Lillian said, "Maybe when I'm grown up I'll get a cat." "That's a shame, cats are cool," the judge said, "Don't sit too long, or you might put a crease in your dress and, as a judge I have to say, that sort of thing is noticeable. You should get up now and then and just pace or something to keep it bouncy." "Oh...okay, thanks, I didn't think about that," Lillian said. She stood up and set her book down on the table, and then started pacing around the room. The judge watched her for a moment, as she stopped and looked at her makeup in the mirror. She felt weird, being so young and having to wear makeup, but it'd always been a necessary requirement for the pageants. Still, she hated the way it felt on her face. Suddenly she felt hands on her shoulders and looked up, expecting them to belong to her mother, except they didn't. The judge was standing behind her, looking at her in the mirror, his hands squeezing her shoulders. She felt uncomfortable as he pressed up against her from behind, way too close for comfort. "You look fine," he whispered. "...okay," she said. "Trust me, I think you have the strongest chance to win," he continued, speaking softly, "you're easily the prettiest contestant, not that beauty is all that matters in these things, but it plays a pretty big role considering it's in the title." She felt his hand running down her arms, but she didn't dare move or speak. She just stayed deadly still, as she felt his hand slide under the ruffles of her dress, and slide itself into her leggings, getting close to her front. Lillian shut her eyes tightly, wanting to scream but instead staying silent as possible as she touched her. Suddenly the door jiggled, and his hands were off her. The judge walked to the door as Lillian watched him in the mirror; he smoothed his hair, adjusted his pants and straightened his tie before unlocking and opening the door, letting her mother back in. "...why was this locked?" Jane asked. "Habit," the judge said, "I came to be with her so she didn't have to be alone. Actually I was just checking to see if the room was clear and found her her, then thought I'd wait with her until you came back. I lock doors at my house all the time, it's just a bad habit." "...okay," Jane said quietly, adding, "Well thank you. We'll see you out there." Lillian didn't take her eyes off the judge, who - as he shut the door behind him, winked at her - had made her skin crawl. She wanted to vomit, hide and cry. She felt disgusting. Jane came over to her and sat down on the table, twiddling with the camera until Lillian sat down beside her. "...mom?" she asked softly. "Yes?" "...would you believe me if I told you something?" she asked. "Of course," Jane said, putting a small tape into the camera and looking through the eyepiece. "...I don't wanna do these anymore," Lillian said. "Well, we'll talk about this after the show, okay?" Lillian nodded. She wanted to tell her mother the truth, about what the judge had done, how he'd touched her, but she was scared. Instead she told her mother the truth about something else, which is how she wanted to quit pageants altogether. After the incident at the theme park, and now this...it just didn't seem as fun as it once had. *** After they finished shopping, they headed back home, and Jane tried on the various costumes in the bathroom while Lillian wandered into her childhood bedroom. She stood in front of the shelf that housed all her trophies, ribbons and, of course, all the plastic crowns she'd accrued throughout her pageant years. Lillian stood and touched each one gently with her fingertips, feeling like she was a totally different person now, and yet still unsure who exactly she was. She felt like she'd lost herself, somehow, without ever even knowing who she had been to begin with. The door opened and her mother stood there, dressed like a scarecrow. Lillian looked at her mother, and tried not to laugh, which only made Jane laugh as she came further into the room, leaning over in front of Lillian's childhood vanity table and checking herself in the mirror. "God, I used to have the body for sexy costumes," Jane said, "Now it's a hit or miss." "...mom, remember when we used to play dress up?" Lillian asked. "Of course!" Jane said, pushing her curly bangs from her face, "while your father went to work, you and I played dress up all day, and that's part of why you wanted to do beauty pageants. I mean, I had a hand in that, obviously, having done it myself, but you were excited about the idea." "I feel like I've been dressing up as someone else my entire life, and I've never figured out who I am," Lillian said, sitting on her childhood bed, turning over a tiara from a former pageant in her hands, "...I have to tell you something, something I never told you." Jane turned and looked at her, before walking and sitting beside her. "What is it? Are you gay?" "...I don't think so," Lillian said, laughing, "No, not that I'm that interested in anyone one way or another these days, but, no, I'm not gay. No, um, the last pageant I did, remember? When I...anyway. When you came into the room, and that judge was in there...before you got there, he..." Lillian clutched her overalls tightly, trying not to cry. "...uh, he touched me," Lillian whispered, "and I've been in therapy about it for a while now, and uh, and I don't like having sex anymore, and...and I wanted to tell you then but you so badly wanted me to do well in that pageant and I'd already told you that I'd wanted to quit, and I just...it always felt like I was never good enough, no matter how much I won. I'm sorry." "...are you okay, Lily?" Jane asked, reaching over and gently stroking her daughters pigtails. "I'm not okay, mom, no. I'm really messed up. I don't know who I am. I spent my whole adolescence dressing up to impress others and now I spend my whole adulthood dressing up to make others happy. I never learned to like myself for who I was, because I never found out who I was, and it's made me wary of anyone, and I feel like I don't trust anybody, and..." She sniffled and wiped her nose on her arm. "...a few weeks ago, this friend of mine I work with, he did a party for a little girl and this classmate of hers died at her party, and I started to talk to this little girl and hang out with her because...because I just knew her parents weren't, and I knew what it was like to be a kid and be confused about something horrible that had happened around you, and...and I just didn't want her to feel like I'd felt." Jane leaned over and hugged her daughter warmly, exhaling. "You're a good kid," Jane said softly, "I'm sorry I wasn't such a good mom." "You were fine, mom." "No, I...fine wasn't enough, okay? I recognize that now. I have felt so bad for so long for pressuring you to continue doing something you didn't have your heart in, and...and now after hearing this, like, I feel guilty, like if I'd just let you be you, and let you quit before that show, maybe this creep wouldn't have-" "No, mom, no, it isn't your fault, it isn't my fault, that's something my therapist has taught me. These things just happen and the only person to really blame is the asshole who did it, and who probably kept doing it to other little girls long after that," Lillian said, "...but thank you." Jane smiled and kissed her daughter on the forehead. "You'll always be my baby," Jane said quietly, "Even when I'm not a great mom, just know that I'll always love you. It wasn't easy for me, I wasn't ready to be a mom. That's why I always acted more like a friend than a parent. I was too young. I just...I wasn't grown up enough myself. I'm sorry, Lily." Lillian hugged her mom back and the two just sat like that for a while. All in all it wasn't a bad day after all. As she left the room, she picked out a tiara from the collection as her new costume tiara. It was time for a change. *** Standing on the stage, staring her near molester down, she waited, thinking of what to say. He tapped his mic again and repeated the question. "Miss Phillips?" he asked, "Uh, please, in your own words, tell me why you think you deserve to be The Harvest Queen this fall?" he said. "....I don't," she said quietly, which made people in the audience audibly gasp; she continued after a moment, "...I don't deserve to be The Harvest Queen. We're all equally pretty, and this is stupid and I don't wanna do it anymore." Lillian unclipped the small microphone from her dress, dropped it on the stage and walked off, smiling as she did so. She never did a beauty pageant again.
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Lillian was sitting in the parking lot, amongst a large crowd, while ambulances and cop cars tried to make sense of the tragedy. Children were crying, parents were comforting their kids, and yet Lillian's parents were nowhere to be found, and she was seated on a bench outside the theme park by herself, watching them wheel a stretcher with a body bag atop it out the gate, towards the nearby ambulance. How had this happened? Why would anyone do this to themselves? These were questions that Lillian once found so hard to answer, but now, as an adult, completely knew the answers to.
And that scared her more than anything else. *** Lillian was sitting at the bar of the bistro, drinking water while watching Rina wash some glasses. Lillian glanced around at the other people sitting at the bar, each one nursing their own drink or eating bar snacks or appetizers. Lillian looked back at Rina, who was stood in front of her, wiping one glass in particular down. "How many jobs do you even have?" Lillian asked. "I like to help my community," Rina said, shrugging, "and then when I'm not helping my community, I like to take advantage of it. I get off work in about 3 minutes, if you're capable of waiting that long." "I've already sat here for a good 2 hours, so what's another 3 minutes really," Lillian said, as Rina smirked and placed that glass down and picked up yet another, wiping that one down, clearly just doing something to pass the time until she was off work; Lillian sighed and asked, "What do you wanna do?" "I'm going to show you something really cool," Rina said, "Trust me, it's gonna blow your mind." "I doubt that," Lillian said, running her hand through her thick hair, exhaling, "Not much blows my mind anymore, and if something does somehow manage to do so, it's often because it's something truly awful and disgusting." "Well this isn't awful and disgusting, so I guess we'll see," Rina said, as her watch beeped, and she sighed, "Thank god." Rina tugged at the straps on her apron and pulling it off, shoving it into the backpack she picked off the floor behind the bar. Lillian finished her water and watched as Rina came around the side of the bar. "Aren't you going to tell anyone you're leaving?" Lillian asked. "Why? I'm off work. This is someone else's problem now," Rina said. Lillian followed Rina out of the bistro and towards the parking lot while Rina tried to pull the straps of her backup around her shoulders. "Slow down, I'm wearing heels," Lillian said. "Why are you wearing heels?" "Because I worked today too, remember? I was at a party until about 5. They always make me wear heels, it's one of the few times in my life that footwear has been dictated upon me. Otherwise I'd never wear heels, but princesses wear heels, so I have to wear heels." "What was the other time footwear was dictated upon you?" Rina asked as they reached her car and she unlocked it, tossing her backpack into the backseat as Lillian headed to the passenger side door and looked over the roof at Rina. "What?" "You said this was one of the few times in your life that footwear was dictated upon you. What was the other time?" Rina asked, and Lillian debated momentarily telling her about her mother, and about the beauty pageants, but instead she just shook her head. "Nothing. Just other jobs, you know," Lillian said, "Forget it." As the girls piled into the car, Lillian couldn't help but feel like crap. She was only a few weeks into this friendship, and she was already lying to her. What would Vera say? *** "I always imagine pirates go out of style for some reason," Tyler said, sitting in the booth at the diner and cutting his sandwich in half while Alexis sat across from him, eating soup. "What do you mean?" she asked. "I don't know. Stuff kids like seems to go in cycles, you know? Like for a while all the kids will be into knights and dragons and stuff, and then for a while it's all space oriented, and I just...I guess I haven't seen a whole lot of pirate stuff for a while so I figured it was on the downturn," Tyler said, biting into his sandwich. "Pirates never go out of style," Alexis said, "That's why I picked it as my costume. Because pirates are always universally cool. Action and adventure, mysterious islands and curses. Kids love shit like that." Tyler scooted over as Vera sat down in the booth beside him, unscrewing the lid on her thermos and sipping her coffee gently as she looked between the two of them. "What are we talking about?" Vera asked. "What the most popular kid characters are for parties," Tyler said, "I was just saying that I'm surprised that pirates are still so highly sought after." "Are you kidding?" Vera asked, pulling a small black book out of her cardigan pocket with a pen and opening it, "Kids love pirates. It's all excitement and violence. Kids love violence, no matter what someone might tell you. Plus, pirates get to be on their ship and go anywhere they want, do anything they want; kids like that level of freedom, and it allows them to use their imagination. Alex made the best choice of all of you." "Thank you," Alex said, going back to eating her soup. "What are you doing?" Tyler asked, nodding to the small black book Vera had pulled out. "Going over your paychecks for this month," Vera said, "How many parties did you do this month?" she asked, looking up across the table at Alex. "Like I keep track of that. I'd have to find all the addresses I've been given, and that stuff's all at home," Alex said. "You guys are useless," Vera said, exhaling annoyed. "I think Lil's got the most timeless character of us all," Tyler said, "I mean, honestly, a princess is never going to go out of style, especially since the United Kingdom ensures the monarchy will always exist in the real world no matter what." "That isn't why she's a princess," Vera said, "Trust me, she doesn't want to be a princess, it's just what she's most familiar with." "...what the hell does that mean?" Alex asked, giving Vera a strange look. "Ask her sometime. Ask her about her mother. About the pageants. About the women who threw herself in front of the train at Disneyland. It'll make more sense," Vera said. Alexis looked from Vera at Tyler, who just shrugged. *** "Are we there yet?" Lillian asked, batting at the beads hanging down from Rina's rearview mirror. "No, and stop playing with that like you're a cat," Rina said, grabbing the beads and pulling them off the mirror, shoving them into her coat pocket. "What are they?" "They're prayer beads," Rina said, "My mom likes me to drive around with them. She thinks driving isn't safe, and she's not exactly wrong." "Your family religious?" Lillian asked. "Not really. My mom is sort of, but even then not as much now as she was when we were kids," Rina said, "It's more of a superstitious thing...my cousin was killed in a car accident when I was young, and I guess that just scared her to death, so I've never driven without them." "Wow, that's screwed up, I'm sorry," Lillian said. Lillian didn't say anything else until they finally pulled up to a building and parked. Rina got out, as did Lillian, and together they headed inside. It looked like a library, and once they got indoors, Lillian realized that was exactly what it was. She was confused, but curious, so she just followed Rina quietly into the library, until they reached the childrens area, where she saw it. A circle of chairs, most of them filled with someone, everyone wearing a costume of some kind. Lillian's brow raised in confusion, and she watched as Rina stopped by a nearby bookshelf filled with young childrens picturebooks and watched from afar. Lillian stood beside her and whispered. "What is this?" she asked. "It's a support group for people who do dress up," Rina said, "I figured you might find something here that would be of interest to you, even if you don't want to participate. I used to come regularly, back when I did cosplay and stuff. Not so much these days." "This is wild," Lillian said, "But I don't dress up for fun, it's for work." "Doesn't have to just be for fun. It's for anyone, with any reason," Rina said, "That includes you, if you have anything you'd like to share or talk about or whatever." Lillian looked at the group, and she felt a gnawing in the pit of her gut. She wanted to talk. She wanted to talk about her mother, about the beauty pageants, about that day...the day she saw a princess die, but she couldn't do that with strangers. Hell, she hadn't even told Tyler about that stuff yet, and he was basically her best friend. She sighed and looked at Rina. "...I can't do this," she whispered. "That's okay, I just wanted you to know you had the choice," Rina said. "Why'd you even care?" "Because when we met you told me you were looking out for Maddison's best interests, but is anyone looking out for yours? You wanted to make sure she was okay after what happened, but has anyone ever made sure you're okay?" "I mean, I have a therapist, but, I don't know," Lillian said, "I guess I just sort of bottle everything up and I never really talk about anything...I just instead want to ignore it, move on, forget about it. Try and pretend none of it is a part of me. But I know that's stupid. I'm the way I am because of what I've gone through...I've never told anyone this, but I used to do child beauty pageants, and I was the best at it. I won all kinds of awards and ribbons and medals and, god, I was the best." "And?" "I don't know," Lillian said, leaning against the bookshelf and sliding down, sitting on the floor, Rina doing the same, as she added, "I guess I just like thinking about it because it wasn't something I really wanted to do. It was something my mom was obsessed with, and she kind of made me do it. And then, the last one I ever did was The Little Miss Princess Pageant, and I just..." Rina pulled the prayer beads out of her pocket and handed them to her. Lillian smiled weakly, taking them and squeezing them tightly as she tried her best to hold back tears, poorly. "...I had a complete breakdown. I was like 12. Way too young for a mental breakdown, but I lost it," Lillian said. "Pressure can do that to a child." "It wasn't the pressure," Lillian said, "It was because, just a year before that, I saw a princess die." That got Rina's attention. *** Alexis had left, leaving Tyler and Vera alone in the diner. It was getting later, darker, and Tyler was starting to feel like he should head home himself. He sighed, picked his hat up from the table and set it atop his head before looking at Vera, who had taken Alex's seat. "I guess I should be getting home," Tyler said, "I have a party in the early afternoon tomorrow. You need a ride home?" "Naw, I'll be okay," Vera said, scribbling something down on a napkin, still clearly doing bookkeeping; she looked up at Tyler as he got out of the booth and looked down at her, she smiled and stopped writing, asking, "You want me to come over for a bit?" "I think I'll be okay," Tyler said, "If Lil stops by, tell her I said hi." "Will do," Vera said, watching Tyler leave the diner. As she saw him get in his car from her window seat, she couldn't help but feel sad. She wanted to go home with him. She'd wanted to go home with him for a while, but he always seemed uninterested, or simply too busy and tired. Vera had liked Tyler for a long time now, but she also knew how messy it could make things, having a relationship with someone whose career she also oversaw. So instead Vera sat in the booth and continued doing her paperwork, slowly sipping the coffee from her thermos well into the evening. She didn't expect to see Lillian, and she was kind of relieved. She needed a break. *** "You know," Rina said, "My family has always been supportive of me, so I guess I have a hard time understanding how someone can dislike their family, but you're not alone. Plenty of people want to disown their parents, and from what you've told me, you have genuine reason to do so." "I'm just mad," Lillian said, looking at the prayer beads in her hand, illuminated by the overhead streetlamps as Rina drove; she continued, "I just wish she'd listened to me once I said I didn't want to do it anymore, and now my entire self esteem is based upon my physical appearance, my self worth tied up in how attractive I am and still being a princess in one way or another. I don't want to be a princess, but it's all I've ever known, really. Beauty and elegance." Rina wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure what to say, so instead she just stayed quiet. Finally, after a few moments, she just whispered, "...you can keep the prayer beads. You need them more than I do." This made Lillian genuinely smile as she looked out the passenger window. "Thanks, Rina," she whispered back. *** Walking through the parking lot, looking for her parents, Lillian couldn't help but feel confused and scared, lost and sad. She held her own hand, to keep herself from feeling like she was alone, but it didn't help much. After a moment, she saw the ambulance start up, about to drive away, when one of the EMTs threw something bundled up in the nearby trashcan. After the ambulance pulled away, lights spinning, siren blaring, Lillian approached the trashcan and looked inside. She reached inside and pulled out the bundle; a mess of bloody cloth, glitter covered and wet with warm blood. She unwrapped the costume the woman had been wearing, throwing it back into the garbage can, and then she looked at the tiara she'd gotten from the bundle. Still perfect. Still pristine. She put it on her head and then continued looking around, still looking for her parents, feeling a little braver now. After all...she was a princess, and princesses can do anything. Even throw themselves in front of trains. Sitting in the hallway of Froth's Elementary, right outside Maddison's classroom door, Lillian couldn't help but realize just how long it'd been since she'd actually set foot inside of a school. She didn't feel old, but somehow she'd become an adult seemingly overnight, and now here she was, helping a kid when she still felt very much like a kid herself. She looked at the girl sitting beside her and sighed. The girl, a few years younger than her and Japanese/American, smiled at her.
"This is awkward, right?" Lillian asked, and the girl shrugged. "It is what it is," she replied, "The thing about caring for kids is you'll do anything for them, even stupid awkward things. Learned that after being a babysitter for a long time." "I never liked talking in class when I was in class," Lillian said, exhaling, making the babysitter, Rina, laugh. "I was the same way. Model student, except when it came to participating with other students," Rina said, just as the door opened and Maddison popped her head out, looking at them, grinning. "It's time! Come on!" she said, signaling to Lillian, who merely exhaled, looked at Rina, then stood up and followed Maddy into the classroom. *** "Do you guys ever come up with backstories?" Vera asked, sitting in the booth at the diner beside Tyler, Lillian across from them in the usual order. "What do you mean?" Lillian asked, sipping her coffee. "I mean what I asked. Do you ever come up with backstories for the characters you play at parties and events?" she repeated, "Like, Ty, do you ever think about what it is your sheriff has been through and does that differ depending on what type of situation you go into that day?" "He's a lone wolf, a rebel, but he has a heart of gold," Tyler said, cutting his sandwich in half, making Lillian chuckle as he continued, "He wants to make kids feel better because his own children died so violently, thanks to a ruthless gunslinger named Rusty Spurs. Rusty was the meanest, cruelest man in the west, often traveling from town to town and shooting horses in the forehead just to see what would happen-" "Okay, forget I asked," Vera said, smirking as Tyler laughed and bit into his sandwich; Vera looked at Lillian, nodding, and asked, "What about you?" "I don't know. I'm not really acting, you know? I'm just...there. It's not like a play or a movie or something. I mean, sure, believeability is nice and all, but...you think it really matters?" "I'm sure it does," Vera said, "I read a report recently from the company that said the more in depth and real the character seems, the more immersive the experience, the more satisfied the child is. They want to truly believe they've met a princess, or a cowboy-" "Or a pirate?" someone asked, sitting beside Lillian and pulling up their eyepatch, rubbing their eye beneath it. "Or a pirate, yes," Vera said. "Hey Alex," Tyler said, swallowing his bite, "You work today?" "I just got off, but I have another party this evening," Alex said, pulling the pirate hat off her head and setting it on her lap, revealing a large amount of bushy black hair, "So we talkin' backstories, I guess? I sometimes try and come up with something. Gives it a bit more pizzazz, but really it depends on what kind of kid I'm being hired for. Some kids don't give a crap and some kids are really into the whole make believe thing." "I just never saw this as anything other than a job," Lillian said, shrugging, "Like, I'm no different than a clown or something." "Like Stinko?" Vera asked, confusing Tyler and Alex, who looked at Lillian, who now appeared irritated. "What? Who's Stinko?" Tyler asked, half laughing. "Nobody. I don't wanna talk about him," Lillian said, deflecting and adding, "A magician is hired to do a job, so am I, so there. End of story." Lillian's watched beeped, and she made Alex get up so she could slide out of the booth and pull her coat on over her costume. "Now, if you'll excuse me," she continued, "I have a prior engagement to attend to." As they watched her leave, Alex pulled some leftover fries from Tyler's plate and dipped them into Lillian's still warm coffee mug, eating them. "She's weird," Alex said. "Yeah, she's weird," Tyler remarked, rolling his eyes, making Vera chuckle. *** When Lillian pulled up to the house, she was surprised to see someone was already there. Not Maddison's parents, no, but another car was parked in the driveway. Lillian stepped out of her vehicle and crossed the street, now wearing her regular civilian clothes. She jammed her hands in her coat pockets, her teeth chatting from the crisp breeze, as she headed up the walkway and knocked on the door. It opened, and a young woman, not much younger than herself, stood there. She was wearing jeans, a striped t-shirt and a green jacket. She had long black hair pulled back a bit, and looked to be a mixture of Japanese and American. "Can I help you?" she asked. "Uh, hiiii....my name is Lillian, I'm here to see Maddison, she invited me," Lillian said. "...okay, come on in," the woman said, stepping aside, "I'm Rina, her babysitter. You know, most people probably wouldn't let their kid be friends with random adults." "Oh, well, I'm not a random...I mean...my friend worked her birthday party, and when I heard about, you know, what happened, I guess I just sort of made it my mission to check up on her, make sure she was okay." "...that's very sweet, actually," Rina said. "You're here!" Maddison said, running down the hall and hugging Lillian around the waist. "Indeed I am, yes!" she said, laughing nervously, "You didn't tell me you had company." "She didn't tell me someone was coming, so I guess we're both allowed to be weirded out here," Rina said, sitting at the kitchen table and biting into a cracker. "Lillian, come with me, I wanna show you something!" Maddison said, sounding excited in a way only a child could; she dragged Lillian by the arm through the hallway, towards, presumably, her bedroom. Upon entering the room, Lillian discovered she was right in assuming it was her bedroom, thanks to the litany of kids clothes strewn across the floor and books and toys all over the place. Lillian sat down on the bed while Maddison rushed to the dresser and grabbed something, then brought it over to the bed. "My grandma got me this," Maddison said, lifting the lid of the box and showing her essentially a music box featuring a princess spinning round and round to the tune; she went on, saying, "See, she's a princess just like you. I took this into school for show and tell, but they said it wasn't a real princess, and they're not wrong cause she's small and made of glass, but you're a real person." "...I mean, I think I am anyway," Lillian said, hearing Rina laugh snarkily at her response from the doorway. "That made me think that maybe I could bring you in for show and tell tomorrow! You're an actual princess, and they'd have to respect that," Maddison said. "You know I'm not-" Lillian started, but then sighed, nodding, "...okay, I'll come." *** Alex was sitting outside on the porch of a house, smoking a cigarette, when Lillian pulled up and parked. She got out and walked up to the porch, seating herself. Alex offered her some of her cigarette, but Lillian politely declined. "How'd you even know where I was?" Alex asked. "Vera," Lillian said, "She has all our schedules." "Stalker." "...I need your help," Lillian said, "You're a writer, right?" "I dabble," Alex said, putting her cigarette out and pushing it into her shirt pocket, "Why?" "I need you to help me come up with a backstory," Lillian said, "That thing Vera asked earlier, it really bothered me, because it made me feel like maybe I don't do enough for the kids I am hired to entertain, and maybe I should take more pride in what I do. What's your backstory?" Alex leaned back, exhaling smoke into the air and clearing her throat, tapping her nails on the cement step. "I'm an exiled Pirate Queen, always looking to get revenge on the bloodthirsty SOBS who stole my ship, my treasure and left me to rot on a cannibal island," Alex said, "I will not rest until I finally have my revenge, and see my thieving backstabbing shipmates heads impaled upon pikes." "...that's a little dark," Lillian whispered. "Kids are sick fucks," Alex said, shrugging, "They love violence, and hey, everyone loves an underdog. Did you have anything in mind for your own backstory? Even something basic we can mesh into something somewhat original or interesting." Lillian sat and thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, I was thinking that perhaps I'm imprisoned by a queen of great beauty, one who demands too much of me, who plans to use my rightful rule to the throne for her own nefarious purposes," Lillian said, as Alex watched closely, listening. After a moment, Lillian added, choking back a few tears, "...I hate my mother." "That's why moms are usually evil in fairytales," Alex said, patting Lillian's back, "Wait for me to finish this job, and we'll head to the diner and work on something, okay?" Lillian nodded and watched as Alexis headed back inside. As she sat there and watched the world go by, she couldn't help but feel like so much of her life these days was spent waiting for other people, instead of doing anything for herself. Perhaps her therapist was right. Perhaps she was too much of a people pleaser. *** When Lillian showed up at the school the following morning, she couldn't help but feel anxious. She'd washed her dress that night, added lots of glitter to it and even shined her tiara. Still...she couldn't escape feeling odd and out of place. She parked in the visitors lot and headed inside, where she immediately spotted Rina pushing in a large cart. Lillian jogged up and helped her get the cart over the first few steps and into the school foyer proper. "Thanks," Rina said, looking her up and down, "Wow, that's some outfit." "What are you doing here? Do you babysit all these kids too?" Lillian asked, making Rina chuckle. "I'm a helper for the cafeteria," Rina said, "I guess you need help finding Maddison's classroom? They're already all in class, but I can take you there anyway." Lillian nodded, appreciating her help and following Rina down the hall. This school was not the elementary school Lillian herself had attended, and yet it had an odd air of familiarity to it, a stench of disgusting similarity. Did all elementary schools seem the same? Were they made that way to ease the transition of children who had to transfer one to another, so they didn't get too overwhelmed by a new location and new students? "I feel so stupid," Lillian said. "Naw, I think what you're doing is cool," Rina said, "Honestly, what you do in general is cool. You make kids days better. That's something a lot of these teachers never manage to accomplish, and that's something they'd be jealous of." They arrived outside the classroom, and Rina let the cart come to a full stop. She took a seat on a plastic chair outside the door, with Lillian doing the same. Lillian removed her tiara and looked at in in her hands; so shiny, so sparkly, covered in faux jewels and yet still alluring. Reminded her of all the crowns she'd won as a child. She quickly shook that thought from her mind and exhaled, looking around the hallway. Sitting in the hallway of Froth's Elementary, right outside Maddison's classroom door, Lillian couldn't help but realize just how long it'd been since she'd actually set foot inside of a school. She didn't feel old, but somehow she'd become an adult seemingly overnight, and now here she was, helping a kid when she still felt very much like a kid herself. She looked at Rina, who just smiled at her. "This is awkward, right?" Lillian asked, and Rina shrugged. "It is what it is," she replied, "The thing about caring for kids is you'll do anything for them, even stupid awkward things. Learned that after being a babysitter for a long time." "I never liked talking in class when I was in class," Lillian said, exhaling, making Rina laugh. "I was the same way. Model student, except when it came to participating with other students," Rina said, just as the door opened and Maddison popped her head out, looking at them, grinning. "It's time! Come on!" she said, signaling to Lillian, who merely exhaled, looked at Rina, then stood up and followed Maddy into the classroom. The classroom immediately made Lillian's head become flooded with memories of her own adolescence. Lots of students arts and crafts stapled to the walls, a color sheet on the wall to help kids express their emotions throughout the day, an alphabet chart above the board with a cursive one right beneath it. Lillian took some kind of pride in the fact that this didn't look too different from the way classrooms looked when she was a kid. Made her feel like, perhaps, not much time had actually passed after all. Maddison tugged on her dress, pulling her to the front of the class, in front of everyone. "This is my friend Princess Lillian!" Maddison said, "She's what I brought for show and tell today. Lillian, tell them about yourself!" "Uh, hello, my name is Lillian, and I'm..." she looked down at Maddison, and felt a pang of her past, always playing someone she wasn't, but she quickly shook it away, plastered on a smile and looked back at the kids, "My name is Princess Lillian, and I come from the Kingdom of Stromburg! I escaped the clutches of my evil mother today just to come to this show and tell, which wasn't easy, because she's particularly clever. See, she uses my beauty to put the citizens into a trance and do all her bidding! This is why I agreed to come to this little 'show and tell' you all have, was to see if you all could help spread my story and help me free my people from her awful clutches!" Rina, standing outside the door and looking in, smiled as the kids started laughing and asking questions. She put her hands back on the cart and continued pushing it down the hall towards the cafeteria. She had a job to get back to. After all, they couldn't all be princesses from far off lands. But she certainly appreciated Lillian's efforts to make the world just a bit more magical, even if only for a few minutes. "This is weird," Tyler said, sitting in the passenger seat of Lillian's car. They'd decided to carpool to save money, and seeing as Lillian was doing better than he was these days, she was the one who offered to drive. She nodded, pulled down the rearview mirror and started applying glitter makeup to her face sparingly.
"It sure is," she said. "I mean, I guess it's cool, like, for their parents to be this open," Tyler said, "Sure wasn't like that when we were kids, but a lot of things weren't like how they are now when we were kids." "Progress is both wonderful to see and frustrating that you didn't get to experience it," Lillian said, starting on her eyeliner, "You're happy that so many kids don't have to go through the bullshit we did, but you're also mad that you're not one of them." "Exactly. Why don't you do your makeup before you get here?" Tyler asked. "Because," Lillian said, stretching her eye and drawing alone the edge, "if I do it before I come, it has the potential to get smudged, smeared or, on the chance I cry, runny. This way I walk in looking good." Tyler opened a small container of sunflower seeds and started eating some as he waited for Lillian to finish. He watched her as she did her makeup, and he couldn't help but notice how calm and collected she was. She had this air about her of genuine ease, even if she swore she never felt any, and he was somewhat jealous. After the things he'd recently seen, he'd been anything but at ease. "Alright," she said, finishing applying her lipstick, "Let's go." Together they climbed out of the car and headed up the walkway towards the front door. They could hear kids screaming and shouting and hollering, having the time of their lives inside. As they reached the door, Tyler pushed the doorbell, and Lillian adjusted her bangs. "You look pretty," Tyler said, making her smile. "Thank you, so do you." "Oh, you're just saying that," Tyler said, scoffing, making her laugh. The door opened and a middle aged man with small round glasses and somewhat balding was standing there, his button down dress shirt tucked into his slacks. He looked at them, like he had forgotten they'd been called in for the day, then shook his head as if he remembered, and stepped aside, allowing them entrance into the house. "Sorry," he said, shutting the door behind them, "Today is...weird. I'm not used to all this screaming." "I often wear earplugs," Lillian said, "Do you want some earplugs?" "No," the man said, chuckling, "No thank you, but thank you." "So, where are we supposed to be?" Tyler asked. "Well, here's the thing, we have twins, as you know, and we hired one of you for each of them. But, uh, it isn't exactly going to be what you think it is," he said, wringing his hands nervously, making Lillian and Tyler look at one another. *** "Hey," the father, Clark, said as he opened the bedroom door and found his son, Chase, sitting on the floor and waving a little stick streamer around. Chase didn't look up at his father as he came in, and instead Clark let Lillian into the room to see the sight, and then pulled her back into the hallway. "What's going on?" Lillian asked. "Our daughter wanted the cowboy, and our son wanted you," Clark said, "And we don't have a problem with that, but...well, a lot of girls don't mind being rough and rowdy, but...no boys wanted to come to a princess themed party, so while our daughter's out in the backyard with her friends, he's in here...by himself." "Jesus that's depressing," Lillian muttered, crossing her arms, "Well, I guess I'll stay in there then." "Thank you," Clark whispered, before turning and heading back out towards the backyard. Lillian entered the room and sat down on the bed, looking around the room. It was furnished fairly feminine, with a lot of pictures of famous women and girls cut out from magazines and put up on a corkboard on the wall over the desk. Lillian cleared her throat and looked down at the little boy sitting on the floor, wearing a long blonde wig and a sparkly dress, and she felt her heart caught in her throat. "Hi," she finally said, "I'm Lillian." "Hello," they said, not looking up at her. "I like your dress," Lillian said, smiling warmly. "Thank you," they whispered, almost as if scared of being complimented. "I'm sorry nobody is here, but I'm here, so...I can be your friend. I think what you're doing is cool," Lillian said, "I mean, it's cool that you do whatever you want and that your parents are letting you do it. I think the fact that nobody came is something you should be proud of, like, you're too cool for them. They're embarrassed cause they aren't as cool as you are." Chase looked up at Lillian, seated on the bed, and the two locked eyes momentarily. "It's my birthday, and I'm gonna have a cake, and I don't wanna make a wish cause it never comes true," they said softly, "mom and dad make us say prayers every night but nothing ever comes true, and Santa never gives me what I want, so I don't wanna make a wish on a candle. It isn't fair. Your hair is real, mine is a wig." "Lots of people wear wigs," Lillian said, shrugging, "Nothing wrong with that." "I just wanna look like you," they whispered, starting to cry. Lillian climbed down to the floor and sat beside them, taking off her tiara and looking at it in her hands. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, "I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but...there's nothing I can really say that would truly help. This is something you're going to have to deal with as you get older, and it seems like your parents are okay with it, so it shouldn't be a big deal. I don't think it's fair, you're right, that nobody would come to your party but people came to your sisters. I don't think it's fair that girls get to like boy stuff and boys don't get to like girl stuff. I know things are changing, but the stigmas are still there. It's going to take a long time before those preconceptions really break down and everything is truly for everyone. But...do you wanna wear my tiara?" Chase looked at the tiara in her hands, and nodded, wiping their arm on their sleeve. Lillian smiled and plopped the tiara down on their wig, removing the paper crown they'd had on before. She rubbed Chase's back and sat beside them. "For what it's worth, I think you look very pretty," she said, "And I hope this makes up for having an otherwise lousy birthday." Just then the door opened, and Tyler was standing there. Lillian looked up at him as he walked into the room and looked down at the two of them on the floor. He looked at Chase, in their little gown, wearing Lillian's tiara, and tipped his hat at them. "Ladies," he said, making them chuckle, "Uh, your majesty, if I may...now I may just be a simple cowboy and I may not understand your customs and your culture, but if there's one thing I understand it is that family is important, and your sister is requesting your presence." "She wants me to come out there?" Chase asked. "Absolutely. She doesn't care what her friends think, she just wants her sibling with her. It's your birthdays, it should be spent together," Tyler said, "She told me she always plays dress up with you, and that's really no more different than this, right?" "...but they'll laugh at me," Chase said. "If they laugh at you, then I'll put 'em in the pokey, how about that?" Tyler asked, making Chase laugh and stand up as Tyler added, "Now you run along outside lil' miss, and we'll be right behind y'all." As Chase exited the room, Tyler held his hand out to Lillian and she took it. He helped her back up and dusted off her dress. She looked at him and smiled warmly. "That was really sweet, Ty," she said. "Well," he replied, "it was the least I could do. She told me she wasn't having any fun without her sibling, so I figured I could maybe get them out there together. You should see it, it's quite a sight, a buncha little girls all dressed up in western garb, it's great. Who's to say a princess has no place among them? Besides, after not being able to do anything at the last party...I felt I should do something here." "...I think I take for granted what I have," Lillian said, "It's so easy to whine and complain and feel sad about what I'm lacking - funds or a real career path or whatever - and I never really think about the fact that just who I am, the way I was born, is something so many people would die to have. The basic essence that is me, my body, is enough to be jealous of, and I think I take my femininity for granted a lot." "That's understandable," Tyler said, taking her by the hand and leading her out of the room and down the hall towards the backyard. They stopped and watched the kids, Chase included, all running around and playing together. Each smiled, each for their own reasons. "It ends so quickly. You think it won't, but before you know it it's over, and you're left wondering where it went," Lillian said. "It doesn't have to though," Tyler said, "That's the thing. So many people see growing up as an unavoidable thing, but really, who says you can't be the same kid you always were just because you're an adult now? It's mentality, more than anything else. What you were saying in the car, about kids having it better and feeling jealous, sure, talk about a fucked up form of hero worship, but...it's for the best. Yes, we could've been happier children, but we're also who we are because of when and how we grew up, and I think you're perfect and I think I'm pretty okay." Lillian blushed and looked at her glittery shoes, trying not to let him see her tearing up. "Yeah," she finally said, "It's for the best, you're right. We might not have gotten what they have, but we can enhance what they get, and I think that's pretty important." "Righty o," Tyler said, sticking his toothpick back in his mouth and winking, "Now how's about we go out there and wrassle us up some grub, lass?" "You're such a dork," she whispered, laughing, as she linked arms with him and walked out together. *** Driving Tyler back home that night, Lillian had a million things she wanted to say, but for some reason, the only thing that really kept running through her head was about the kid who'd died at the previous party. The kid they'd watched from across the street. She cleared her throat and looked over at him as he fidgeted with getting his pin on badge off his vest. "You remember that girl, you know...the party where-" "Yeah, I try not to think about that," Tyler said. "Sure, fair, I just...I can't stop thinking about that poor kid," Lillian said, the car slowing to a crawl as she pulled up to Tyler's apartment. He sighed and undid his seatbelt before looking at Lillian, nodding. "I know, I can't either, and I was the one who was there," he said, "but you can't let it run your life. If you let it overtake you, it'll eat you alive inside. Thanks for driving me." "Anytime," Lillian said, watching him get out and head on into the apartment. She gripped the steering wheel, then pulled away from the curb and started to head back to the house they'd been to before. *** She didn't mean to fall asleep there, but when the sun woke her up the next morning, she was surprised that she'd allowed herself to sleep in her car. Drool running down her lip, she groaned and shifted, realizing she was still dressed like a princess. Then she heard the tapping on the window, and screamed. As Lillian looked over, she saw the little girl from the lawn staring inwards at her. "...are you gonna kidnap me?" she asked. "Uh, no?" Lillian replied groggily. The passenger door opened and the little girl climbed inside, shutting it behind her. Lillian looked her up and down, and noticed she was wearing a girlscout uniform. "...what time is it?" Lillian asked, and the girl checked her watch. "It is 2pm," she said, her braids bouncing as she looked back to Lillian from the watch, "I noticed your car here this morning, and it was still here when I got back from scouts. My mom told me not to get into cars with strangers, but you don't look dangerous." "...thanks?" Lillian asked, as she pulled her rearview mirror down and started wiping off her makeup with a box of tissues she had in the backseat, "ugh, I'm sorry, I...my friend worked your party, and he was there when..." "Yeah." "Yeah. I guess I was just worried how it might have effected you. I know it's weird, we don't even know one another, and I'm not a mom or anything, but-" "You're a princess," the girl said, "If you were a mom, you'd be a queen." Lillian chuckled at this, then looked at the girl, and held her hand out. "I'm Lillian." "I'm Maddison," she said, shaking her hand firmly. This little girl was very mature for her age, and this took Lillian by surprise. "Aren't your parents worried you-" "They aren't home. They don't get home until really late on weekends," Maddison said. "...I need coffee," Lillian said. "And donuts!" Maddison said, grinning. "Right, and donuts, can't have one without the other," Lillian said, turning the car on and taking off down the street as Maddison buckled her seatbelt; Lillian glanced at Maddison, who was looking at her badges on her sash, and asked, "so, you're in girlscouts?" "Mhm," Maddison nodded, "were you ever in the girlscouts?" "Nah, I was in ballet classes and stuff," Lillian said. "That's neat," Maddison said, "And now you're a princess?" "Only for birthday parties," Lillian said quietly. "...you can't be a princess every day?" This was something Lillian had never really questioned, but it made her uneasy to think about. To be a princess every day would be like giving into her mothers idea of perfection, especially in regards to beauty. She'd had enough of that while growing up, and she felt gross enough projecting that kind of beauty to children as it was. "Do you want some donuts?" Lillian asked. "I like bear claws," Maddison said. "And coffee?" "My mom won't let me drink coffee," Maddison said. "Probably for the best. What about cocoa?" "I like cocoa!" Lillian smiled and nodded. "Cocoa it is," she said. She suddenly didn't understand why she had been so worried. This child was more than well adjusted. So what did that say about her then? |
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
April 2024
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