The car came to a screeching halt, and thus, the car behind it came to a screeching halt as well, nearly hitting it. As the horn honked blaring behind them, John - in full clown makeup but in a three piece suit - stopped, hands clenched tightly around the steering wheel as he turned and looked at the car full of supposed friends; Lilian, Alexis, Tyler and Vera.
"What the fuck is wrong with you people?!" he screamed, "I can't take it anymore! All you fucking do is bicker! All you do is fucking bicker and play the victim and nobody ever learns anything or says they're sorry! Are you children or adults, because I can't fucking tell! Am I in a company run by children? This feels like a company run by goddamned children! Huh? Answer me!" But nobody would answer him. John started breathing hard as everyone nervously glanced at one another. "Everyone but Alexis get out of my car," he said softly but sternly. 3 HOURS EARLIER "I've never even heard of The Clownies," Alexis said, looking at the envelope while sitting in the passenger seat of John's car while he drove to pick up the others; she was wearing a dress - a first for her - and had even gotta her hair and nails done, just because John had paid for her to do so. "To be fair, it's not a particularly publicized event," he replied, "it's not like the Oscars or something. People don't have Clownie parties." "Probably for good reason, because it sounds fucking terrifying," Alexis said, making him laugh. "It's definitely someones worst nightmare for sure," John said, "so we have to pick Lilian up, and Tyler and Vera wanted a ride so we could all go as a group, so that'll be a neat little experience." "So have you won a Clownie before?" Alex asked, turning the envelope over in her hand. "Nope," John said, "never even been nominated. This is kind of a nice vindication for all my years spent wearing funny shoes and tight fitting pants." "I wanna win an award for winning tight fitting pants. All I ever get is unsolicited harassment," Alexis said. "Well, it's something," John replied, the both of them chuckling. After a short drive, they arrived at Lilian's. She was inside, still getting ready, so John and Alex waited in the car. John rolled down the window and pulled out a cigarette case from his jacket pocket and flipped it open, offering Alexis one, who happily took one. He lit them both and they started smoking while waiting for Lilian, exhaling their smoke out their respective windows. After a few minutes, Lilian finally emerged and slid into the backseat of the car. She was in a grey pencil skirt and a pretty puffy blouse, her hair done up in a bun. "You look nice," Alex said. "Thanks," Lilian said, sniffing the air and then waving her hand in front of her face, "ew, it smells like shit in here!" "My car, my rules," John said, starting the car back up and pulling away from the curb, before tapping Alex on the knee and saying, "you're gonna have to direct me to Vera and Tyler's places, cause I don't know where they live." "Not a problem," Alex said, "why are we picking them up anyway?" "Tyler doesn't have a car, he generally uses ride share services, and Vera's car broke last week," Lilian said, checking her makeup in her compact, "actually, it's one location. They've been living together for a few months now." "When did that happen?!" Alex asked, turning in her chair and looking back at Lilian, "why didn't I know about this?" "Why would you? You don't really like talking to Vera," Lilian replied, shrugging. "Still, we're in the same company, I should know these sorts of things," Alex said, settling back into her seat and continuing to smoke, putting one of her feet up on the glove compartment, "it's like she deliberately leaves me out of things. I don't get it." "I'm sure it wasn't intentional," John said, "now come on, we're going to a party of sorts, buck up." Alex nodded, smiling. He was right, she should try and be in a good mood, no matter how bad Vera made her feel. This evening was for John and Stinko after all. *** The Clownies were being held in a small event center in the city, much to the groups surprise. It was apparently considered a big deal amongst the clown community, and to be invited, let alone nominated, was an honor of the highest regard. When they arrived, John refused to let someone else park his car, and then the group - John, Lilian, Alexis, Tyler and Vera - were escorted inside. The interior was beautifully decorated, with streams hanging from the ceiling, and filled with the most amount of clowns anyone had ever seen in one place. "This is oddly terrifying," Tyler muttered, causing Alexis to nudge John with her elbow. "Told you," she whispered, making him chuckle as he led them to their table. As they all seated themselves, a woman in her 40s with long brown hair, in a beautiful gown, waltzed up to the table and stopped at John's chair, tapping him on the shoulder. He looked up at her and smiled, waving politely. "I was surprised you'd come," she said, "you usually don't like these sorts of things." "Well, I figured it'd be nice for a change," he said, "guys, this is Elora." Everyone greeted her almost in unison, then watched as John stood up and faced her. Tyler leaned in towards Alexis and lowered his voice while John and Elora spoke to one another. "You think they've screwed?" Tyler whispered, "I get the feeling these two have screwed." "Please, I don't wanna think of clowns bonking," Lilian mumbled. "I believe you mean honking," Alexis muttered, making them all laugh, even Vera, to her surprise. Elora eventually said goodbye and headed back to her table as John sat back down at his own. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed, picking up his water glass and taking a long sip before looking at the group. "What?" he asked, half smirking. "What's the deal with you two, huh?" Lilian asked, "you guys a thing or?" "If we were a thing, don't you think I'd have invited her with me instead of you guys?" John asked, straightening his tie. "Is it true that the size of a clowns shoes is directly proportionate to the size of his-" Alexis started to ask, until Lilian put her hand over Alex's mouth, making everyone laugh. All in all, it seemed like it was going to be a good evening. But of course, appearances can be deceiving. *** John and Elora had met several years prior, shortly after the loss of his family. The clown community came together to help him for a bit; bringing him food, checking up on him, and Elora was one of the few that went the extra mile. She would invite John out on numerous occasions, if only to give him something to do besides moping. Elora would take John to dinner, to the movies, sometimes they would go clothes shopping just for giggles. John appreciated her company, especially because he had been unsure of continuing with his life after what happened, but after witnessing her kindness - and the kindness of the community as a whole - he knew survival was indeed worthwhile. But all that being said, they'd never become romantically entangled. Why it hadn't happened never made sense to either of them, but they each sort of understood. While John's family had been taken in an accident, Elora's husband had died of prolonged illness, and perhaps what they needed most in the aftermath was just genuine companionship, not romance. They would swap stories about their loved ones, about their relationships, share photos of them together. To become romantically involved, it seemed, would almost break that solidarity in some weird way. Regardless, each was thankful for the friendship the other had extended unto them. But that didn't stop everyone around them from recognizing how obviously right for one another they were. *** "You come here often?" someone asked as they took a seat by Alexis while everyone else had gone to either mingle or gorge themselves at the buffet. Alexis sipped her drink and smirked, raising an eyebrow. "To Clown Award Shows?" she asked. The man - roughly a few years older than her but still boyish and handsome - laughed and took a sip of his own drink. "Right, stupid question," he said. "You're not wearing makeup," Alex said. "I'm not a clown, so." "What are you doing here then?" "Well, you're not wearing makeup either, what are you doing here?" "I'm a guest," Alexis said, taking another long swig of her cocktail, "Came with Stinko." "I'm a guest too," the man said, "I'm Brady." "Alexis." Just then they stopped and noticed John was standing back at the table. Brady stood up, grabbed his drink and politely excused himself. John seated himself back next to Alexis and started to eat from his plate as she looked at him, confused. She pointed at Brady, wagging her finger. "Uh...I was kinda interested in that," she said. "Don't be," John said, taking a bite from a chicken wing, "Brady's a loser. You deserve better. He just wants to sleep with you." "Well I'm open for that, it's been a while," Alexis said. "No, you're not," John said sternly, "...not with him. You want random hookups, that's fine, that's your business. Hell, even someone else here would be okay. But not Brady. He's a creep. Trust me when I say this, I am doing you a favor. He's not the kind of guy you wanna sleep with even just for the sake of sleeping with someone." Alex nodded slowly, picking her glass back up and sipping it. "...thank you I guess," she whispered. Meanwhile, over at the buffet, Lilian and Tyler were piling their plates as Tyler glanced back at the table where John and Alexis sat. He shook his head and sighed as he shoveled more and more food onto his plate before looking at Lilian, who smiled at him, making him smile back at her. "Vera seems...a little stressed out lately," Lilian said, "I was hoping if she came to a little social thing like this it might just ease her up, you know? Get her to loosen a bit. But goddamn that bitch seems impossible to please. I don't mean that in a derogatory sense, of course." "You're not wrong," Tyler said as they finished gathering food and started heading back to the table, slowly so they could talk amongst themselves along the way, "she's stressed. She's stressed all the time, and nothing seems to make it better. She's not managing great, and Alexis's behavior bothers her, and she's...I shouldn't tell you this, but I am because you're my friend and I trust you, but...she wants a family. But she...she's worried about having that on top of everything else. She doesn't think she could handle it." "Please, she could handle anything," Lilian said, scoffing. "That's nice of you to believe. Regardless, she's also worried if she doesn't do it soon, she might not get too. Generally, in her family, women who try to get pregnant after thirty don't have much luck, and she's pushing 29. She's dedicated to us, to our company and to each of us individually, but she wants to be a mom," Tyler said, sighing, "...and she...she wants me to do it with her." Lilian stopped in her tracks, her eyes wide. "WHAT?" she asked, grinning in delight. "Keep it under your hat, we're not exactly public about it," Tyler said, "but yeah, we've been seeing one another for ages now, we've gotten very serious, talked about moving in together. Either way, she wants me to father a child with her, but I don't...first of all, I don't know how good at being a father I would be, not to mention I don't think I'm personally ready for that level of responsibility either." "Why not just tell her that?" Lilian asked. "I have. Why do you think she's unhappy?" Tyler said. Lilian and Tyler arrived at the table and sat down, beginning to eat. Alexis stood up and excused herself, heading to the bathroom. As she passed by everyone, entering the ladies restroom, she stopped in front of the mirror and checked her makeup. Standing there, admiring herself, she heard one of the stall doors open, and saw Vera walk out from inside, reversed in the mirror. "...you look nice," Vera said quietly as she approached the sink. "Thanks, so do you," Alexis replied. Vera opened her mouth to say something, but must've decided against it, because instead she turned and exited the bathroom. Alexis, after making sure she'd left, entered the stall she'd used and locked it behind her. When she was finished, she washed her hands and headed back to the table. After a bit, they announced the nominees, and, much to nobody's surprise, John was in fact granted an award for his work. He was clearly beloved within the community, and seeing him up on stage, thanking them, giving a short speech, clutching the trophy they'd made for it, everyone couldn't help but clap ferociously for him. Alexis even stood up and whistled loudly, which made John blush. All in all, it was a decent evening. At least until they got back into the car. *** Driving home in the dark, after the awards show - Alexis sitting in the passenger seat once again while everyone was crammed in the back - John couldn't help but feel pretty good about how the evening went. He had the air conditioning on, the radio on soft classical music, and nobody was talking. Honestly, considering how argumentative this group was, that was probably a blessing. Vera unwrapped and popped a piece of gum into her mouth before leaning forward and offering one to Alexis, who politely declined. "So," Vera said, "how are you doing lately?" "Okay, I guess, why? Are you checking up on me? You're not my sponsor or something," Alexis remarked. "No, but I am your employer, so your behavior reflects back on me," Vera said, trying hard to be nice; she added, "just, you know, let me know if you're using or something again because I can put you on leave or something. We could work something out. Paid vacation or even rehab, something to-" "I don't need your pity masquerading as kindness!" Alexis snapped, making Vera leap backwards, best as one can in the backseat of a car, as Lilian grabbed her and held tightly, almost as if she were trying to keep Vera from attacking Alex in response; Alexis continued, "I'm doing fine, I'm doing great, okay! The one thing I wish I could have above all else was your genuine trust!" "Can you blame me for being somewhat untrustworthy?" Vera barked back, "After all the damage you've caused?" Soon enough, the car had once again erupted into an argument. Tyler rolled his eyes and sighed, glancing at Lilian who just shook her head. They were both getting very tired of this repetitive situation. It seemed like, lately, this was all that happened when everyone was in the same space together. Especially if that space included both Vera and Alexis. Vera clearly had some sort of personal vendetta, it felt like, and everyone was getting pretty goddamn sick of living with it. The car came to a screeching halt, and thus, the car behind it came to a screeching halt as well, nearly hitting it. As the horn honked blaring behind them, John - still in full clown makeup and a three piece suit - stopped, hands clenched tightly around the steering wheel as he turned and looked at the car full of supposed friends; Lilian, Alexis, Tyler and Vera. "What the fuck is wrong with you people?!" he screamed, "I can't take it anymore! All you fucking do is bicker! All you do is fucking bicker and play the victim and nobody ever learns anything or says they're sorry! Are you children or adults, because I can't fucking tell! Am I in a company run by children? This feels like a company run by goddamned children! Huh? Answer me!" But nobody would answer him. John started breathing hard as everyone nervously glanced at one another. "Everyone but Alexis get out of my car," he said softly but sternly. The back doors of the car opened slowly, as Tyler, Lilian and Vera piled out. After the doors shut, John sped off into the night. Lilian sighed, pulled out her cell phone and dialed Miranda's number. Standing there, hand on her hip waiting for her to answer so she could ask for a ride home, Tyler looked at Vera. "What is wrong with you?" Tyler asked quietly, almost in awe, "why can't you just-" "Just...leave me alone," Vera replied almost silently, as she walked a ways away. Back in the car, Alexis positioned the air conditioner in the front to blow directly on her face, her shoes still up on the glovebox door, her dress riding up a little as a result. John turned the radio off and took a deep sigh. "...this can't go on," he whispered. "Why didn't you kick me out?" Alex asked. "Because you're not doing anything wrong," John replied, "listen to me, okay? I was an alcoholic and a drug user for a good portion of my life, around your age, and I do not regret it. I'm not saying it's great, and something everyone should experience, but it's something I am glad I lived through. But it's also not something anyone else gets to tell you to stop doing. You have proven you are not hurting yourself, or those around you, and if all Vera cares about is appearances, then fuck her. You are doing your job - well, might I add - and if she can't see past that, then that's on her, not you. That being said, I don't want you to think it's okay to live like that forever either. At a certain point you have to realize your body is going to just give up on you if you don't change something. It can only take so much." Alexis nodded, listening, tears welling in her eyes. She looked at her shoes, her heels, and mumbled. "...my dad never cared about whether i was doing it or not," she whispered, "...he was just happy i was out of the house." "I already lost one little girl I cared about," John said quietly, "I won't lose another." Alexis smiled, and nodded. If John wanted to be a father figure, far be it from her to stop him. *** Lilian, tugging her shoes off her feet as Miranda walked beside her down the hall (they'd already dropped Tyler and Vera off at their respective homes), couldn't believe it. She was so tired of all the infighting. She felt Miranda kiss her neck, and she blushed, stumbling a little as she giggled. "Stop, you're gonna make me trip and-" That's when she saw Maddie sitting in front of her apartment door. Lilian and Miranda approached, as Maddie looked up at them. Lilian knelt down and brushed her hair from her eyes. "Sweetheart, what are you doing here?" she asked. "Daddy's getting worse, and I don't know how to stop it," Maddie whimpered, "...she's gonna kill him." "...alright, come on inside, come on," Lilian said, gathering up the little girl and heading into her apartment; "we'll figure this out together."
0 Comments
"I have to say, it's nice to see you again after all this time," Mrs. Kearning said.
Lilian was walking down a hall, Alexis right behind her, right beside popular local pageant judge Amanda Kearning. Kearning had first met Lilian when she was a child, but had always wondered why she'd dropped out of the public eye and stopped doing pageants. Now, seeing her as a grown adult, coming back to the industry, Amanda could see she'd grown up to be as beautiful as she'd always assumed she would be when she was a little girl. "Well, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't weird being here," Lilian said, smiling as a couple young girls in dresses ran past them laughing, heading to the main dressing room; "but, I figure that these pageants gave me so much when I was little, I wanted to kind of give something back." "That's beautiful," Kearning said, before looking back at Alexis, who was absentmindedly chewing gum, and asking, "and what about you? Why are you here?" "Because she drove," Alex said, pointing at Lilian. "She's just my friend, along for the ride," Lilian said, her and Kearning chuckling together. Truth was, Alexis had always struggled with her self image, and being at a place like a beauty pageant, especially one geared towards little girls, made her feel especially uneasy. Part of the reason she'd started doing drugs in the first place was simply to curb her appetite and help her stay skinny. As they continued walking, heading to the judges room, Alex stopped when they started to pass by a little girl sitting on a bench by herself, her knees pulled up to her chest. Alex knelt down beside the bench and looked at the kid. "You alright?" she asked, as the girl looked up at her and Alex noticed her lazy eye. "I'm not gonna win cause of my eye," the girl said weakly, clearly having been crying. "Well, I think your eye is cool, and besides, you can see everything with it. Liars, cheaters, and all the beauty around you outside of this fake fashion show," Alex said, patting the girl on the shoulder, "trust me, you're the most beautiful girl here, and it's because of your eye." The girl started to smile, and nod, taking Alex's statements to heart. Alex stood back up and jogged down the hall briskly, catching back up to Lilian and Amanda. A long time ago, Alexis had made a promise to herself to be nice to kids, only because nobody was ever nice to her as a kid. Nobody should have to feel that level of loneliness, especially a child, she thought. *** Maddie slowly opened her parents bedroom door and snuck in quietly, looking around cautiously. Her mother was out of the house for the time being, but that didn't mean she wanted to leave any kind of impression that she'd come in here. She crept in on tip toes, careful not to wake her sleeping father. Maddie approached a dresser, where his leftover lunch sat on a metal meal tray, and she examined it. The problem was, she wasn't exactly sure how to look for signs of poisoning or anything. How does one tell if one is being poisoned? Maddie left the tray alone and continued towards the bathroom, pushing it open as quietly as she could, so she could sneak in without him remotely stirring. Once inside, she walked over to the medicine cabinet and pulled it open slowly, knowing it was creaky. Nothing in here looked odd or out of the ordinary. Why would it? It'd be stupid to poison him with something from their own bathroom, in such close proximity to him, she thought. No. If this was really happening, and she was determined to investigate his claims, then she knew the poison had to be coming from somewhere else. Something else. Something she wouldn't be looking for. Maddie sighed dejectedly and sat on the toilet seat lid, looking at her shoes. Could he just have been delirious? Or could what Stinko had been saying was true? That he was simply trying to get between her and her mother and cause a rift? But why would a parent do such a thing? None of it made sense to Maddie, and she began to doubt it ever would. After a bit, Maddie finally stood up and walked out, creeping slowly and silently past the dresser once again, and she noticed her father rolling a little in the bed, mumbling something. She didn't even know which parent she liked, or if she liked either of them to be honest. Ever since the kid had died at her party, neither one had made any attempt whatsoever to see how she felt, or if she was remotely okay. They'd just...gone about their lives, business as usual. Maddie walked over to the bed and looked at her fathers sleeping face, chewing her lip anxiously. What was she supposed to do? Was she just making all this up in her head to alleviate the guilt of her parents not loving one another, or even seemingly her? Why did she even care, when it seemed like they didn't care about her? Maddie didn't know what a family was. And she had her folks to blame for that. *** "So, what's it like to be the most beautiful girl in a building?" Alexis asked Lilian as they followed Kearning into the judges room. "Well, I don't know about the most beautiful," Lilian said, "but I'm certainly right up there." Alexis chuckled as she and Lilian seated themselves at a small round white table in the center of the room, clearly where judges ate lunch between pageants. Kearning walked to the counter and started warming up the pot of coffee as they talked. "You know," Kearning said, "it's rare that someone who does pageants becomes a judge, and even more rare when it's someone who quit doing them. You're kind of an anomaly." "I've been told that," Lilian replied. "Lucky," Alexis said, "nobody's ever called me anything nearly that cool." "You wanna be called something? I can call you something," Lilian replied, the both of them laughing. "All I mean is," Kearning said, picking up her coffee mug and turning to look at the girls, "historically, people who quit pageants aren't all that interested in judging them later in life. You might be the first we've run into, well, besides..." The girls looked at one another, then back at Kearning. "...there was this woman a few years back, someone who ran in the same circuit you did actually. Her name was Ashley. I won't give you a last name, not that it'd be hard to figure it out after what she did. Anyway, Ashley became so disenchanted with the whole thing, that after she left the pageant scene, she wound up murdering her boyfriend, who just happened to be a fashion designer. Simply being around something even remotely adjacent to the thing that haunted her was enough to make her snap, I guess." "Holy hell," Lilian whispered. "Awesome," Alexis chuckled. "...you're not gonna murder anyone, are you?" Kearning asked Lilian, slightly smirking. "I don't like people, but I don't think I'm capable of murder," Lilian said, "so I'd have to say no." "That's good," Kearning replied, laughing as she turned back to face to now warmed coffee pot, pouring herself a mug. The door to the room opened, and two other judges walked in; a youngish looking woman, perhaps a trainee, and a middle aged, but very handsome, man. He was wearing an ash grey suit, and his hair was combed neatly. He had small black round glasses hugging the bridge of his nose, and he stopped when he and Lilian's eyes caught one another. He then continued after a moment, talking with the woman he'd entered with, while Lilian felt her insides clench up violently. Whether or not he recognized her remained to be seen, though judging by the fact that he stopped when he saw her gave Lilian the impression that he did recognize her, but more importantly, she recognized him. The same man, just older now, who'd come into her dressing room on her last pageant. The man whose actions eventually drove her to seek therapy. He was still here, he was still judging, and that broke Lilian's trust in the system. It shouldn't be surprising, considering the kinds of shit men in power get away with and have been getting away with forever, but it did. It did, for some reason, surprise her. She thought maybe someone, at some point, might've said something, but apparently not. Had he continued to do to other young girls what he'd done to her? This was something she both itched to know and feared knowing. "Lily, Alex, this is Anna, our intern, and one of our longest running judges, Michael Brown," Kearning said, sipping from her mug after introducing them. "Nice to meet you," Anna said, shaking the girls hands, while Michael took the pot from Kearning and poured himself a cup of coffee, then sipped it before speaking. "You look very familiar, did you use to do pageant work or have you judged somewhere else or?" Michael asked. "I used to be in pageants as a little girl, yes," Lilian said, curious as to whether he was merely pretending not to know her or genuinely unsure if he knew her; she continued, "but that was a long time ago, and I haven't done anything in the pageant circuit for years. I just figured it'd be fun to boost girls self esteem now as an adult who also did it." "A noble cause," Michael said, nodding. Alex looked from Lilian to Michael, then back to Lilian. She wasn't certain, but she just sort of got the feeling that something was off, and she'd find out what. *** "Maybe I am making it up," Maddie said, sitting in the booth with John. Maddie had taken up visiting the diner frequently, hoping to catch Lilian or one of her friends there. Lately, John - considering he didn't work nearly as much as the others seemed to - was the one most often around. He was seated opposite her, eating a sandwich, dressed in a collared button down shirt with flamingos on it and khaki pants. "Maybe I just want something terrible to be happening so I can make sense of why my family sucks so much," Maddie continued, laying her chin flat on her arms on the table, sighing, "cause, like...why else would they suck if it wasn't for some awful reason?" "Sometimes families just suck," John replied, "but you know, Mads, you have something not every kid with a sucky family has. You have a support group of adults who care about you outside of your family. You're a very lucky young lady, honestly. Some kids would kill to have what you have." Maddie had never really considered this, but John was right. Even if her family did suck, she had adults she could turn to, and she was lucky in that regard. She had even begun to consider John more of a parent to her just thanks to his kindness and advice than her own father had ever been. "...what if I'm the reason my family sucks?" Maddie asked in a small, sad voice, and John immediately stopped eating and looked at her seriously. "No child is ever the reason their family sucks," John said sternly, "so don't you ever think that about yourself. You were brought into this world without your consent, and it is your parents responsibility to care for you, and if they fail, it's THEIR failure, not a failure on YOUR part." Maddie smiled and nodded, then shut her eyes and rested on the tabletop as John continued eating his sandwich. "Thanks Stinko," she said quietly. "Anytime, kid," he replied. It's true what they say, Maddie thought, clowns really do make you feel better. *** Lilian was standing in the bathroom, trying to steady her breathing. She wouldn't even looked herself in the mirror over the sink, simply because she was terrified she'd see Michael standing behind her. She heard the door open and she heard Alexis enter and stop at the sink, next to Lilian. "Are you okay?" Alexis asked. "no," she said quietly, "i am very much not okay, actually." "As soon as that guy came in, everything-" "He was the one," Lillian said, forcing the words out of her mouth, even as disgusting as they tasted slipping past her lips, "he was the one who came into my dressing room on the night of my last pageant, he's the reason I quit altogether. He locked the door, he put his hands on me, down my stockings...if...if my mother hadn't come back, he...he might have..." "Hey, shhh," Alexis said, putting her hands on Lilian's arm, "you're okay, you're safe. That's...that's fucking sick, but look at you now, back, stronger than ever, more than willing to face him down." "I don't know what's worse, that he did it, or that he didn't remember doing it. How many girls has he done this to that he can willingly forget about some of them?" Lilian asked, looking at Alex, tears in her eyes, her lips trembling, "because...because he's still here. Somehow, I deluded myself into believing some kind of justice might come for his actions, but no, he's STILL. FUCKING. HERE." Alex had never seen Lilian this shaken, and it honestly frightened her. For as long as they'd known one another, Lilian had always been the strong one. The one who didn't break down. The one who was, what the kids call, a boss bitch. So to see her so genuinely scared, so open and vulnerable, it broke Alex's heart. Alexis pushed her black hair from her face and choked on her words, unsure of what to say. "Lilian," Alex said, "you're the coolest, strongest person I've ever known. You're, like...my hero. To see you be this scared only makes you cooler, cause it proves even someone as strong as you is capable of being scared, which only humanizes you moreso. Fuck this guy. Prove him wrong. Judge and save kids, not hurt them, like he is. You're the force field now between his awfulness and the goodness of the world, okay?" Lilian looked at Alex, realizing that this dweeby, drug addicted weirdo was her best friend in the world, and threw her arms around Alexis, surprising her with a tight hug. Alex, stunned momentarily, finally started laughing and hugged Lilian back. "I love you, man," Lilian said. "Hey, I love you too," Alex said, "how could anyone not, really?" Lilian had never really had a best friend. In fact, before working with these people, she'd never really had friends proper, so having one she could trust, one she could even call a best friend, was more than welcome honestly. She was thankful they were in one anothers lives, because she knew each of their lives would be lesser without the other one. Who knew that a pirate and a princess would ever make such good friends? John Tarnum was standing in front of the plexiglass, hands firmly pressed against it, as his eyes stared dead center on the little girl swaddled up in a bassinet among a dozen others. He smiled and exhaled, blinking, trying to remind himself to breath now and again. He backed away from the glass and felt someone tap him on the shoulder, which caught his attention. He turned, coming face to face with a nurse standing there, holding a clipboard, who merely smiled at him.
"Is she everything you thought she'd be?" the nurse asked. "She's...perfect. Everything's perfect," John said, "uh, do I have to...?" "Oh, right," the nurse said, handing him the clipboard and a pen, "these need to be filled out. And we need a name for her." John looked back towards the nursery, then chewed his lip momentarily before he nodded and jotted a name down on the paper. He filled everything else out, then handed the clipboard back to the nurse, who smiled when she looked at it. "That's lovely," she said, "Congratulations." "Thank you," John said. Now was the time to get his act together. Stop drinking. Stop partying. He and his girlfriend needed to finally grow up and be the adults that this little girl needed them to be. John made a promise to himself, and his new daughter, right then and there...no matter what, he'd always be there for her. And he never broke that promise. *** John was sitting at a picnic table in a park, watching his daughter try and chase the other kids but to no avail. Lauren seated herself next to John and handed him his coffee, which he thanked her for before sipping it. Lauren tossed her dark chocolate brown hair and sighed as she watched with John, before lowering her voice to a near whisper and leaning towards him. "She looks miserable," Lauren said. "Of course she looks miserable," he said, "all she wants to do is run with the other kids and she can't even do that. These fucking crutches make it hard for her to play with anyone." "....what do we do?" "How the hell should I know?" John asked, shrugging, "we just...we love her and tell her that none of this matters and all that matters is how much we love her, I guess?" Lauren smiled briefly before wiping at her eyes, feeling John rubbing her back. "...i feel so guilty," she whispered, almost crying, "like...i did this to her." "You had no way of knowing that what you were taking would endanger her in the womb," John replied, "these things just happen. She's great, disabled or not, it doesn't matter. And you didn't do this to her. This wasn't your fault. We were young and stupid, we had no way of knowing." Lauren nodded, taking in his words, but never once acknowledging them. No matter what John might tell her, she'd never buy it. As her eyes wandered back up to watch their daughter, finally sitting in a sandbox with some other girls and playing with dolls, she felt like maybe John was right in the sense that things would be fine. They adored their daughter, and no matter what, that was all that really mattered. Lauren leaned over and buried her face in John's neck, making him blush as he stroked her hair and simply watched his daughter play. Just a few short years ago, when John was in his early twenties, he never could've pictured being what his father had once called a "family man". He never pictured being married, and especially never pictured having a child, a daughter especially, and now...god, now he didn't know how he'd ever lived without them. Without this lifestyle. He didn't realize just how badly he needed this level of stability, and how his wife and daughter probably saved him from drinking himself to death. He was grateful for that, definitely, but he was even more grateful simply for being given a chance to love them to begin with. Sure, his daughter couldn't walk without crutches, but he didn't give two shits about that. He'd defend her to the death, and if anything, this only made her even cooler, because she wasn't like everyone else. Just like her mother. *** "What is it, what is it?!" she shouted excitedly, tearing at the gift wrapping as John and Lauren watched around the table, laughing at her unbridled joy. Finally she wrenched the gift from its packaging and screamed again, squeezing it to her chest, thanking them repeatedly. "I hope that's what you wanted, cause I'm no good at picking this stuff out," John said. "It is! It is! Thank you!" she said loudly, so unbelievably happy. "I'm glad," John said, pushing forward on the table towards her another package, adding, "we got you some accessories and clothes and stuff to go with it. Hopefully you like this stuff, but if not, we can always return it for something else." It was their daughters 11th birthday, and it was spent at home, except for dinner, when they went to her favorite pizza place. That night, after Lauren had passed out on the couch watching an old western on TV, John walked to his daughters bedroom and saw her lying in bed, brushing her dolls hair. He entered and sat on the side of the bed, watching her. "...you have a good birthday?" he asked. "Mhm," she said, nodding, "I just...I wish I had friends who'd come." "I know honey, I'm sorry," John said. "You and mom are my best friends, and that's cool, cause you guys are cool, but I wish I had friends my age too. They all just look at me weird cause of my crutches," she said, "sometimes it feels like everyone at school is making fun of me at the same time, like I'm some big secret joke they all share." John felt his heart tear a little bit, but he reached out and stroked her cheek gently, making her smile. "Happy birthday honey," he said softly, leaning in and kissing her between the eyes. She laid down and snuggled up under the blankets, so he could tuck her in. She squeezed her doll to her chest and as he exited, he stopped when she called after him and looked back at her, finger on the lightswitch. "I love you dad," she said. "Love you too kiddo," he said. With that, he flicked the light out and shut the door, leaving it only open a smidgeon so the hallway light could creep in, knowing she was still somewhat scared of the dark. John walked back to the living room and woke Lauren up, then helped her get to the bedroom. Once they were both in bed, she laid her head on his chest and, still half asleep, muttered, "she's so me." "What do you mean?" John asked. "nobody ever came to my birthdays either," Lauren said, but before she could further elaborate, she too passed out. *** Lauren Knopf met John Tarnum when they were in their early twenties. She was a guest at a party he worked at, and she found his clown persona both hilarious and ripe for razzing, which she definitely took advantage of. After the party, she wrote her number down on his hand, and said they should go drinking sometime. Soon enough, they were. In fact, their drinking got so out of hand that he often invited her to the parties he'd work, and have her bring a cooler with her so they could drink when they had a chance. But Lauren went further than drinking, doing things John would never be interested in, and it worried him. She was careful. She was never careless, but still, her behavior worried him. That was why, when she told him she was pregnant, he was secretly thrilled, because if nothing else, this would curb her drug usage. Unfortunately for John, the opposite wound up being true. Not only did she continue to do whatever she wanted - albeit on a somewhat lower scale - but also became addicted to the pain medication the hospital had given her for her pregnancy. However, once their daughter was born, John sat with her in the hospital room and told her they had to stop, and, much to his surprise, she agreed. Perhaps it's the actual act of having a child now, or perhaps it was simply her realizing she couldn't go on like this, but whatever the reasoning, Lauren agreed to quit. John helped her into a program, and even attended with her now and then for support, and eventually she not only wasn't using drugs, but she wasn't even drinking anymore, something John never thought he'd see her give up. That's why, when he came home from work one night to find Lauren and their daughter missing, along with her car, he was perplexed. The only thing he could find missing - aside from the car and his family - was a bottle of pain pills. John debated calling the police, but eventually relented and in fact did phone them up. When they found her, however, he wish he'd never asked for help. The thing about the police finding your family, and not finding them on your own, is that they often won't let you see the aftermath, and John needed to see the aftermath. The car had plowed into the side of a building downtown, an old abandoned tool store, and when John pulled up and ran towards the accident, the cops held him back, and no matter how much he screamed and kicked and cried, they wouldn't let him closer. For hours he sat in a hospital waiting room, trying to figure out what he would do if...if....god he couldn't even finish that thought. After a while, a female cop approached and handed him a ziplock bag with a piece of paper inside it, saying she thought he should have it. She didn't give her name, or any other reasoning, before she left as abruptly as she'd arrived. John opened the bag and pulled the paper out, reading it, his insides tearing themselves apart. "I love you so much. But I hate myself. I hate myself, and by extension, I hate her, because she IS me, John. That's why I'm doing this. Removing us from the world. I'm so sorry, but I'm an awful person, and I don't deserve to be here. I'm so sorry to take her away from you. I'm so so sorry that I couldn't be what you needed me to be. Just like I could never be what my parents needed me to be. I love you. Please don't hate me. Love, Lauren." And John didn't hate her. When they finally came out and told him Lauren was gone, he doubled over on the floor and screamed. Two nurses helped console him, but he was damn near inconsolable. Other people in the waiting room watched, the looks of sheer, abject sadness on their faces at seeing this man fall apart in public. And still, he didn't hate her. He understood how she felt, why she felt the way she felt, he'd never hate her for her problems. Her problems were what he fell in love with. He loved how imperfect she was. He just wished he had told her that more often. *** John, sitting in the diner that morning with Lilian and Alexis, sipped his coffee and spooned scrambled eggs into his mouth. "All I'm saying is that, even if, by some act of god, I was hired by some rich family for their kids party, I'd find some way to get myself involved with that family. I'd fuck the dad or...I don't know, find some way to become part of that family. I don't want a sugar daddy. I want a sugar family," Alexis said, making John chuckle. "Well, I think you're looking at this all wrong. Clearly, the thing to do would be to parlay it into working for every other rich family as well. Make it so that you're the best, and thus, only performer worth hiring. Endear yourself to the local rich population, and then soon enough they invite you to their country club." "Great, yeah, I can't wait to be racist and wear poodle skirts," Alexis said, making John laugh loudly now. "I just meant that, by that point, you'll have become such a fixture within the community, someone will meet you, fall for you and marry you, and boom, now you're rich, and all without being a homewrecker," Lilian said, cutting her pancakes into pieces. "But I wanna be a homewrecker!" Alexis said, "that's the dream!" John wiped his mouth on his napkin, finished his coffee and sighed. "Well," he said, pulling his jacket on, "engaging as this discussion is, I have something to do." "You working today?" Lilian asked. "Kind of," John said, standing up from the booth and wishing them a good day before leaving. He walked to the parking lot, got into his car and drove to his trailer, where he changed into his clown costume and then drove towards the hospital. He parked in their lot, entered through the back entrance, and was greeted by everyone who worked there. They'd come to know him over the years, and were always happy to see his Stinko persona. He walked down the halls, stopping in a few rooms for sick kids and old people, brightening their day, before finally stopping at a room on the 4th floor. He walked into the room and the woman lying in the bed looked up from her book and squealed in joy at seeing him. John walked in, honking his nose at her, making her giggle. John sat down on the bed as she sat up and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him tightly. John, almost on the verge of tears, patted her on the back and squeezed her back, never wanting to let her go again. "Daddy," she whispered. "I'm here cupcake," he said, "I'm here." His daughter had somehow survived the collision, but now she not only was on crutches, but she had suffered fairly severe brain damage as a result of her mothers decision. John didn't care though. She was alive. She was here. She was what he had left, and he loved her to the ends of the earth. "How are you feeling today?" he asked, looking her in the eyes. "I'm okay," she managed to say, slurring her speech, "read to me?" She handed him the picture book she'd been looking at, and he smiled and nodded, taking the book from her. He loved reading to her, and he'd never pass up the opportunity. He opened the book and noticed the inscription on the inside, the one she'd written herself when she was only 7 years old, her words forever scribbled in that little girl handwriting. "This book belongs to: Star Tarnum." Sure, it was a sort of hippy name, but he didn't care. She didn't care. Lauren hadn't cared. She was their star. And now, to John, she was his northern star, always guiding him back home, back to her. He'd experienced immense loss, and from that, he'd learned to be truly funny, because nothing makes you realize the absurdity of life like intense grief. But more than anything else, he was simply thrilled she was still here, in any way, shape or form. Life was kinda funny that way. |
About
A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
April 2024
Categories |