The phrase "we need to talk" had never meant anything good, so understandably, when Miranda said this to Lilian that morning, it made her anxious. Now, sitting in the living room together after having dropped Maddie off at school, Lilian still couldn't get over her nerves. Miranda was sitting on the coffee table in front of Lilian, seated on the couch, and digging her nails into the knees of her pants. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Miranda exhaled and spoke.
"I've made a decision," she said, "and...and it might make life weird and difficult for a little bit." "...does it have to do with me? Us?" Lilian asked. "Kinda, yeah," Miranda said, tossing her hair back behind her, "I...I think I'm ready to go in for evaluations in regards to getting sex reassignment surgery." Lilian had to admit, that hadn't been what she was expecting. If anything, this was a relief. She started laughing, then apologized for laughing as she explained her nervousness. After a few minutes of solid, anxious relief laughter, Lilian leaned forward and put her hands on Miranda's legs. "If that's all this is about, then, hey, that's fine," Lilian said, "I was scared you were gonna leave me or something. But if you think you're ready, then-" "I didn't wanna be a cliche," Miranda said, interrupting her, "that's why I waited so long. It always feels like 'the surgery' is the biggest aspect, but I wanted to just...live for a little bit, you know? And even then, it won't be an immediate thing. I'll have to go through various medical checkups, some light therapy, it won't be walking in and getting it done that day. I just wanted you to know where my head was at because you're my partner and...and it's important that you know what I'm doing or planning to do." Lilian smiled and planted her lips on Miranda's forehead. "I'm behind you all the way, a hundred percent, you know that," Lilian said, "and whether you do go through with it or not, I'll love you and the way I see you will never change." Miranda wanted to cry. This was something that, for some reason, she was scared of telling Lilian about. She figured it would go this way, but a lifetime of doubt cast around her identity had always made her expect the worst. Miranda climbed onto the couch where Lilian was and snuggled up to her, laying her head on Lilian's chest. Lilian laughed lightly and ran her fingers through Miranda's hair. Neither had ever had a real relationship before, and yet it all came so surprisingly easily to them. Maybe that's what happens when you try your hardest not to become your parents. *** "Everything here looks in order," Helena said, sipping her latte as she shifted through the papers on the table. She and Vera had agreed to meet at a small cafe downtown, somewhere Vera was not used to holding business meetings, but Helena had agreed to pay for everything, and considering she was buying the company, how could Vera object to her meeting space of choice? Vera picked up her scone and bit into it cautiously, having rarely eaten scones before. "Can I ask you a question?" Helena asked, and Vera nodded. "Of course," she said, mouthful of pastry. "You say your best employee is also the one you've had the most trouble with. Now I've read through her file, and I do see she's in rehab, but why would you keep on someone who was so clearly a detriment? Who could so easily derail what you're doing and the overall rating your company had, via word of mouth, by disgruntled parents or clients or whomever? It just...it doesn't really make sense. I'm not judging your business decisions, by the way, I'm just curious." Vera chewed her scone for a bit, then set it down and sighed. "Uh," Vera said, "...I don't really have a reason. Alexis has been with the company longer than I have. In fact, she's one of the original employees left over from the people we worked for before I took over. I guess a sense of obligation, she'd put in so much time and effort, and in her defense she NEVER went to work high or drunk. It was all recreational. She and I have...had our differences, but...but she's good at what she does, and kids love her, and...and I would be a bad person to take away her income just because of something she does off company hours. If she isn't endangering anyone, then what's the harm, right? It took me a long, long time to come to accept this, by the way. I used to be pretty against her. But I guess I also see her abilities, and...and see her value, and what she brings to the company, brings to others via her participation in their events, and I know she has the potential, she's shown it. She doesn't deserve to lose her job because of a few mistakes she makes in her personal life." Vera surprised even herself with this acknowledgement. If Tyler had been present, he'd likely have kissed her for her change in heart towards Alexis. Vera sighed and shook her head, her braids swaying side to side. "Listen," Vera said, "I mean, she's in rehab, she's doing great, but the thing I've come to learn is that she doesn't deserve my respect just because she got sober. She deserved it the entire time, even at her lowest points, because she's a person, and a friend, and a good employee. I was...I was very out of line with how I acted, and the moment I finally get to see her again, I'm gonna tell her that. So I keep her on because I know what she's capable of what worth she brings, not just to us but to herself and others. She's good. So, if you're interested in buying the company...the one stipulation is that you cannot fire Alexis. Otherwise I'll start looking for another buyer." Helena leaned back in her chair, sipping her coffee and smirking. "I have to admit," she said, "you really stick up for people. That's nice to see in this line of work. Often bosses see their employees as being underneath them, below them, and would gladly throw any of them to the wolves for a chance at a better life or pay. It's nice to see the opposite. Fine. Stipulation granted. Alexis will stay on. I never had any intention of removing her anyway, I was just curious is all." Helena picked up a pen and signed a paper, then scooted the paper across the table towards Vera and handed her the pen. "You do the honors and we'll be all done here," she said. *** Alexis wasn't having a great day. Sitting in Star's room while John went out to get them all lunch, her thoughts kept turning back to what had happened that morning before she'd left the hospice, and back to the discussion she and Rick had had. For all the hope she'd invested in the two of them being an item after they were released, it now seemed so fragile, after what he'd admitted to her. Alexis picked up a yellow crayon and started coloring on the page, continuing her handiwork while Star did her own page. "Would you forgive someone if they did something that might hurt you?" Alexis asked, looking up at Star. "Hurt me how?" she asked. "Like...like say they were going to do something that you could get hurt by, even if they didn't mean to hurt you, would you forgive them?" Alexis asked, and Star thought for a moment, then shook her head. "No," she said, "people shouldn't hurt eachother, even if on accident." Alexis sighed, nodding. She agreed, and Star was right. Alexis had put in the time and effort to get sober, working hard on herself and her mindset at the hospice, and she wasn't about to throw that away for the hope of a relationship just because Rick didn't want to do the same. "What about your mom?" Alexis asked, "would you ever forgive her?" Star stopped coloring and looked up. She was sitting cross legged on the floor, her hair in pigtails. She stuck the crayon between her teeth and thought for a moment, then shook her head. "No," she said, "she's my mommy, but...she did a bad bad thing, and it hurt me, and I can't do lots of things now cause of it. Nobody should have that power." Alexis wanted to cry. How did this woman, with the mentality of a 7 year old, understand the way people connect to eachother better than the full ass adults she was in constant contact with on a daily basis? The door to the room opened up again, and John entered, smiling, holding their lunches. Alexis knew what she had to do. She'd eat lunch, finish this coloring session, and then go back to the hospital. If she wanted her sobriety, she couldn't put it at risk for the sake of love. She'd worked too hard for that. *** Lying in bed, Miranda's head on Lilian's chest as she ran her fingers through Miranda's hair, it seemed like things were perfect. Neither one had anything to say, because to speak would spoil the moment. Miranda shut her eyes and exhaled, hugging Lilian around the waist tighter, making her chuckle. "This was all I ever wanted," Miranda said quietly, "this exact thing. I mean, sex is fine and all, but this. This level of intimacy. Just lying in bed as a woman, with a woman, a woman who loves me. Who knows me and understands me and respects me and accepts me. This is all I ever dreamed about." "...it's funny," Lilian said, "about a year ago, my mom asked me if I was a lesbian, and I said no, and now here I am. But the thing is...I liked you regardless of your identity. You just happen to be a girl. Identity is complicated, now I know how you've felt your whole life." Miranda laughed and nodded. "Yeah, shit is kinda wild," she said in agreement. "You know you don't have to do it just to be whole, right? I'm gonna see you as you are no matter what you do, and societys opinion doesn't matter. I hope you're doing it for you, and not anyone else, because, frankly, you're already who you need to be. Who you should be," Lilian said, running her hand onto Miranda's cheek and massaging gently. "I am," Miranda said, "I am doing it for me. I can remember my little sister being very young, maybe 3 or 4, and I was...so jealous that I didn't have what she had. Growing up further, being in high school for instance, it just...it never felt right to be the way I was. I didn't really relate to any of the people around me, and never felt comfortable physically, especially doing things like PE where I had to change around guys. I can remember going to a party once and all these guys were bragging about their sexual conquests, about hot girls they'd nailed and then never called again. And the entire time I'm listening to this, all I can think is 'you're an asshole', but I'm not thinking that way from the mans point of view. I'm thinking that way in defense of the girls they left. It felt personal, almost. And whenever I thought about being with a woman, I always thought of it being more romantic, more sensual, more....real." Lilian looked down at Miranda, laying her cheek on the top of her head, still petting her, her fingertips trailing down her bare spine. "It never once," Miranda continued, "occured to me that other guys didn't think the same way. I know some men can be romantic, not as alpha brained, animalistic, but the majority of them...ugh. And it wasn't just that. It was being jealous of what girls got to wear, how long their hair got to be. Beauty seemed effortless to them. I realize now that it isn't entirely, but it still kinda is, just because they're women. I think the one thing being a woman has taught me above all else is that...every single woman, regardless of their genitalia or sexual preference or whatever, isn't the same. Every single woman is different. You don't really get that from a male perspective, you kind of lump them all into the same category that are then sub categorized by cliques. Types. But two women who are very much the same, say they're extremely feminine, can still be entirely different. That's what I've really learned, and it's nice to embrace that." Lilian nodded, listening. She sighed. "When I used to do beauty pageants," Lilian said, "All I saw were women who valued their appearance above all else. But in hindsight, they were often not the ones valuing it. They were playing into others views of self worth related to it. They used peoples attraction as an advantage, and that's kind of powerful. To use what you're given naturally to overtake those who would only respect you for your looks, the very thing you're using against them. That isn't to say that industry isn't still shallow and weird, but we have more power than we've been led to believe. That's what I'm trying to teach Maddie. Her gender doesn't define her, and she's capable of more than the expectations people have of her because of it." Miranda rolled over on top of Lilian and, taking her face in her hands, kissed her hard. "It's been nice, playing home with you," Miranda said, "having a kid around, getting to co-parent." "It's been an interesting experience, that's for sure," Lilian remarked, laughing. "I wanna do that with you forever," Miranda whispered, "...if you want. If you're interested." "Oh, I'm very interested," Lilian said, the both of them giggling as she leaned up and kissed Miranda back. Miranda had made many big decisions throughout her life, up to and including the one today, but the biggest and bravest decision? Loving someone during all of that, even when it meant they might not love you back. Thankfully she'd gotten lucky, and despite Lilian's character at the company, a lot of times, Miranda was the one who often felt like a princess. *** Alexis entered her room, only to find Rick sitting at her desk. She shut the door behind her as he turned and held up a sketchpad with a badly drawn architectural design on it. She stopped and stared it for a moment, trying to make sense of what it was she was looking at exactly. "Uh..." she said. "Renovation plans," Rick said, "for my sisters bakery. I'm gonna go back to work there once I'm outta here, gonna keep my usage on the downlow, not let it overtake me this time." "That's actually something we need to talk about," Alexis said, sitting on her bed, her hands in her lap; Rick turned in the chair towards her as she sniffled and continued, "um...fuck...uh...I don't think we can see eachother if you're not going to be sober too. It...it isn't a judgement against you, for what it's worth, it's myself. I don't think I could stay sober around someone who isn't. I don't trust my convictions that much yet." "...are you breaking up with me?" Rick asked, "...huh...I wasn't even aware we were technically dating. Why am I always the last to know about things that directly involve me?" Alexis couldn't help but laugh a little at this response. "I just...I like you so very much, but I don't think you're ready to be sober yet and-" "Hey, I can be sober to be with you." "No, then you're doing it for me, and you should do it for yourself," Alexis said, starting to cry, "I...I don't wanna be the reason you give up on something that you still want to do, regardless of if it's good or bad for you. I don't exactly know your entire history with drugs, I don't know exactly how they interact with you, but...if you're not ready, then don't do it for my sake. That's just gonna breed resentment and contempt down the line, and that isn't fair to either of us." A silence filled the room, and Rick stood up, nodding. He headed for the door, then stopped. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled something out, then handed it to Alexis. "I, uh...I thought you might like this," he said, "my sister helped me get it." And then, with that, Rick turned and left the room. Alexis sat on the bed, crying, as she slowly opened the small container, revealing its contents. A silver necklace with an emerald broach in the middle, something resembling the kind of thing one might find in a treasure chest. Alexis held the jewelry in her hand and cried more. Rick had truly been the only person to ever get to know her, her interests and likes, her hobbies and personality. To take her to heart and remember the things she thought were good. He'd also been the only person to ever buy her jewelry. She laid down on her side, clutching the necklace to her chest, and cried. She knew it was for the best. For the both of them. But if it was the right thing to do...why did it make her feel so bad?
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
April 2024
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