"Thank god," Rina said, opening the front door to find Lillian standing there in jeans and a t-shirt from an old mini golf establishment.
"Don't thank god, thank me, I'm the one filling in," Lillian said, making Rina smile as she stepped aside, thusly allowing Lillian entrance into the home. Rina went and grabbed her backpack from the couch, stuffed her coat inside of it and hurried around, making sure she didn't forget anything. Lillian stood back and watched, her arms folded as she leaned against the wall. "Boy you're exhausting to watch," she finally said, making her laugh again. "Listen, don't worry, her folks won't be back until super late and I'll be back in just a few hours. I just really need to study for this thing for my course," Rina said as she zipped her backpack up and pulled it on over her shoulders, Lillian helping her move her hair out of the way so it wasn't snagged by the straps; she continued, "Maddie is just coloring right now, but I've already got dinner on the way and I paid, so if you could just tip the delivery guy that'd be great. Otherwise just do whatever, help yourself to whatever and just have a good time. You have no idea how grateful I am of this last minute help." "It's no problem. I don't have work this week, and I sure as hell never have any social obligations to speak of, so I had the time," Lillian said, patting Rina on the shoulder, adding, "you just get your studying done and get back here whenever. We'll be fine." Rina thanked her again, gave her a quick hug and then rushed out the door. Lillian looked around the living room and exhaled deeply, blowing her bangs from her face. Wow. It'd been a long time since she'd babysat. After putting her own things down - she hadn't brought much, just a small backpack with a book for after Maddie fell asleep, a few snacks for herself and a little pill case with tums and other such low key medicine in case she felt sick at any point - Lillian went to the fridge and poured herself a glass or orange juice from the pitcher. She drank it, then headed down the hall towards Maddie's room, all the while looking at the photos hanging on the walls. Suddenly what she'd said at the memorial made more sense, because Lillian began to notice that indeed Maddie had no photos of herself with her parents. There were photos of her, school portraits or birthday shots, and then photos of her parents, but none of the three together. This struck Lillian as a bit odd, to be that openly separated from your own child, but she ignored it and knocked on the bedroom door. After a moment of silence, she opened the door and looked inside, finding Maddie coloring on the floor, headphones over her ears. She smiled big and pulled her headphones off once she saw Lillian. "Come in! I have lots of colored pencils!" Maddie said, and Lillian smiled, nodding, entering further and sitting down on the floor with her. "What're you coloring?" she asked. "It's a big book of dinosaurs. I got it at the history museum downtown during my last school fieldtrip!" she said excitedly. "I haven't been to a museum in ages," Lillian said, "I should probably rectify that." "That's a weird word, rectify," Maddie replied. "So your parents went out?" "They always go out on Friday nights," Maddie said, safely coloring in a Brontosaurus, adding, "I heard them say once that it was because their marriage counselor suggested it was a good thing to do, but I don't know why you'd need a counselor to have a good marriage. At school, we have a student counselor who helps kids with problems, but don't you stop having problems when you're an adult?" "God if only," Lillian said, chuckling, "unfortunately problems only accumulate as you get older." "It's nice to know there's so much to look forward to," Maddy said dryly. "Marriage isn't easy for some people, for others it's a breeze, it just depends," Lillian said, "but you should be happy they're at least trying instead of just giving up like a lot of kids parents do. Lord knows my parents didn't try, but I'm the rare exception where it turned out their failure was for the betterment of my personhood." "What do you mean?" Maddie asked, stopping coloring and looking up at her, now listening intently. "I mean that...that because they acknowledged that what they had would never work, instead of trying to force it, they split up amicably and stayed friends, unlike other kids parents who forced themselves to stay together to the point where it became either unsafe or unhealthy for all involved parties. My folks recognized it was best for everyone, especially for me, to just stay apart and raise me their own ways." Maddie sat upright, one hand wrapped around a colored pencil, the other tugging at her braid. "...mom and dad try not to fight in front of me," she said quietly, "but they forget. They don't fight over me, really, they just fight in general about everything else. But they're so busy fighting that I'm forgotten about a lot." "Well," Lillian said, "it's a good thing you have adult friends who think about you then, isn't it?" Maddie smiled and nodded. "Come on," Lillian said, "let's see if dinner has arrived." *** "Honey, don't you wanna go in the backyard? The family's waiting out there to see you!" Lillian's mother said as she entered the kitchen, only to discover Lillian was no longer hiding out in the kitchen like she had been scant moments ago. Jane looked towards the hallway, seeing her ex husband, Al, coming out from the bathroom. "What's going on? You talking to me?" he asked, zipping his fly up. "No, I was...have you seen Lily? She was just in here a minute ago," Jane said, "Her aunts and uncles and cousins wanna see her, and it's almost time to blow out the candles on the cake." "Well, keep looking, I'll take the cake out and get everything ready," Al said. Little did they know, but Lillian was actually hiding out in the plastic play castle her father had bought and assembled for her a few years back, trying not to be found. She hated her birthday, and she hated this birthday in particular. She had no friends, and she felt awkward around her family. She hated getting older. Soon she'd be off to middle school, and that terrified her. Suddenly she felt the castle shift, and she scrambled to look through the little window only to see the clown her parents had hired standing in the side yard beside the castle, uncapping a beer. "You knocked into my castle," she said coldly, surprising him as he turned to face her. He couldn't have been older than 22. "Oh, sorry," he said, "I...I didn't mean to. Aren't you the birthday girl? What're you doing hiding in here?" He got on his knees, pushed the little door open and crawled inside. "Let me in," he said, "boy, it's kinda cozy in here actually. What's the matter, you don't wanna be at your own party?" "I don't have any friends." "You have Stinko!" the clown said, pointing at himself as he sipped his beer, "Stinko's your pal, least for today." "Aren't you not supposed to drink while working?" Lillian asked, nearly scowling at him. ",,,I won't tell on you if you won't tell on me," he said, holding his hand out for a pinky promise, which she took after a moment of slight hesitation. "Deal," she said. "And besides, who needs friends, you know what friends get you? Problems. The more people you have in your life, the more things you'll have to deal with. If all you ever got is yourself, then the only issues you have to worry about are your own! Worrying about others is exhausting, really," Stinko said. "That sounds so lonely though," Lillian said. "Sure, it gets lonely, but it beats the alternative." "Which is?" "Which is having to put up with others who are only there to take advantage of you," Stinko said, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, "I mean, think about it, so many people are only together because of what they can get out of the person they're with. There's those rare exceptions, certainly, where they actually genuinely love and care for one another, but that's not the norm. People are selfish, self entitled narcissistic little monsters out to please themselves and only themselves. Hell, the mere fact that parents act like putting a roof over your head and feeding you and giving you an education is a gift instead of what you're owed says it all. They chose to have a child, and then they complain about what it forces them to do. It's like buying a car. You don't wanna pay for gas? Don't drive. Very simple." "...I'm not a car," Lillian said, furrowing her brow at Stinko. "I know you're not a car, kid," he said, "I'm just making the point that everyone, even your own folks, are hypocritical people only looking out for their own interests and gains. They can treat a kid like shit their whole lives and then when they get older ask their kid to take care of them, and the kid often feels responsibility to do so, because society has taught them that to say no to their parents is wrong, even if their parents wronged them for years prior." "But don't they say two wrongs don't make a right?" Lillian asked. "You know who probably coined that phrase? Someone who didn't want their actions to be justifiably called out," Stinko said, taking another long swig of beer, then patting her on the shoulder, "that's why we look to entertainers; actors, artists, to make us feel better. Lift our spirits." "Clowns?" "Even clowns, like Stinko. Stinko's your friend, but only because I'm contractually obligated to be," Stinko said, "but hey, at least I'm upfront about it." Lillian giggled as Stinko reached up his sleeve, pulled out a balloon and blew into it, quickly making a blow up dog and handing it to her. "Happy birthday kid," he said, ruffling her hair, "Now go eat your cake." Lillian didn't know it at the time, but Stinko's presence had a profound effect on her life and her viewpoints on relationships. Sure, she never turned out as bleak as he did, but she found some sort of solace in the fact that, even if only momentarily, she had an adult friend who didn't talk down to her, and who validated the way she felt. Ever since then she had made it her goal in life to hear children, to help children, and to heal children. Maddie, especially, was no exception. *** After they ate, the girls played a few board games, watched a few episodes of Maddie's favorite cartoon, and then, when Maddie was beginning to yawn, Lillian suggested she go to bed. Maddie didn't argue. Lillian picked her up off the couch and carried her down the hall, pushing open her bedroom door with her elbow and bringing her inside, laying her down in her bed and pulling the blankets up around. Maddie's eyes were fluttering, seemingly on the verge of sleep, but she reached down to beside her bed and pulled out a little book and handed it to Lillian as she seated herself on the bedside. "What is this?" Lillian asked. "It's a storybook about Rapunzel, it's my favorite bedtime story," Maddie said, "I was hoping you'd read it to me. Rina always reads me bedtime stories." "You're not too old for that?" "Even if I was, would I care?" Maddie asked, making Lillian laugh loudly. "Fair enough," she replied, opening the book and saying, "you know, Rapunzel was always my favorite too. I really related to feeling trapped by a mom who only wanted me for the use of my beauty. I mean, my mom loves me, I know that, but still...she was so heavily focused on the pageants that sometimes it felt like I was a product and not a person." "I stay in my room so much, cause I'm scared of seeing my parents fight, that I relate to Rapunzel because she's stuck in her room all the time. Knowing you is like knowing a real life Rapunzel, and I guess it's nice to know that people like us end up okay," Maddie said. Lillian felt her heart crack, and forced a smile on her face as she stroked Maddie's hair. She read the story, waited for Maddie to fall asleep, then left the room. As she exited, quietly pulling the door shut behind her, she leaned against it, clasped a hand over her mouth and began to sob silently. A few hours later, after falling asleep on the couch, she felt a hand shaking her gently on the shoulder to awaken her, and opened her eyes to find herself looking at Rina, kneeling beside her. "Hey," Rina whispered, "I'm back, did everything go-" But before she could even finish, Lillian lunged forward and squeezed her tightly, crying against her. Rina was surprised, but hugged her back, patting her, telling her it was okay. Rina paid Lillian for her time, let her take the leftovers from dinner, and the two said goodnight. Lillian got in her car, started it up and then started driving home. When she pulled up to her apartment, she parked, headed upstairs and found Alexis sitting against the wall beside her door, looking haggard and shivering. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her hair was a mess. Lillian knelt down and helped her up, knowing she was clearly going through a withdrawal of some kind. "Come on," she whispered, "let's clean you up." Lillian helped Alexis bathe, then gave her some pajamas and let her sleep on her couch. She covered her up in a quilt and then went to bed herself. When she woke up in the morning, she was surprised to find Alexis lying in the bed beside her, hugging her. Lillian just smiled and shut her eyes, letting her friend get the comfort she needed. After a few minutes, Alexis whispered, surprising Lillian. "I'm sorry," she said softly, "I hope this isn't weird. I was just so cold. I needed to feel safe." "It's fine," Lillian said, patting her friends hand, "take as long as you need." But, when Maddie woke up that morning, Rina was already gone, and she could hear her parents bickering quietly in the living room. She got up, put some blankets against the bottom of the bedroom door and then turned, going back to her bed, until she noticed a piece of paper against her lamp. It was a picture Lillian had drawn of herself and Maddie, both as princesses, in front of a giant tower. Maddie smiled and hugged the picture to her chest. Just like Stinko had done for Lillian, Lillian had become a friend to a child, making her feel just slightly less alone in the world. Because the world is scary enough, especially when you're a kid, the last thing you need is to be alone as well.
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
April 2024
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