"You know, I'm starting to think I'm cursed," Lillian said, making Greg furrow his brow, cross his legs and tap his pen on his clipboard.
"How so?" he asked. "I'm surrounded by death," she continued, "Ever since getting involved with this kid, death seems to have followed me. There was the kid at her party, then the kid from our neighborhood on Halloween, and now this guy I visited in the hospital." "But he didn't die," Greg said, "right? I mean, wouldn't that mean you aren't cursed?" "One outlier doesn't disprove a hypothesis," Lillian said. "I'm pretty sure that's exactly what an outlier does," Greg said, smirking, "But please, continue." "Well, we were eating at the diner we usually meet in when I was given the assignment," Lillian said. *** "You want me to visit a hospital?" Lillian asked. "Why don't I ever get to do any cool events? Why don't I ever get to go to like...like a wake, or something?" Alex asked as she scooped eggs into her mouth, making Tyler laugh. Vera smiled and folded her arms on the tabletop. "Do you wanna go to a wake? Because I can arrange that," Vera said. "Why am I going to a hospital? Oh jesus, it's not the childrens ward, is it?" Lillian asked. "No, it's not. It's a personal request," Vera said, "From a young man in college. He was hit crossing the road earlier this week near the campus and he's been feeling down ever since. He specifically asked for a princess to come and lift his spirits." "Oh, well...that doesn't sound too bad actually," Lillian said. "How come we only do birthday parties? How come we never do anything else? There's other kinds of parties and events you know," Alex said, "How come we're only ever asked to do birthdays?" "Because most adult parties don't require costumed assistance or entertainment," Vera said. "I'll have you know most of the adult parties I've been to have relied heavily on costuming," Alexis said, as everyone looked at her; she finished chewing her eggs, swallowed and then quietly added, "and I won't say another word about that." After breakfast, Lillian headed over to the hospital. It was a fairly nice hospital on the upperclass side of town. She entered, followed the directions to the room number she was given by Vera and then, after exhaling deeply and preparing herself, knocked on the door. A voice told her to come in, and she put her hand on the knob, twisted it open and walked inside. *** "I didn't know, when I entered the room, that I was going to be walking into something so..." Lillian paused, choosing her words carefully. "Upsetting?" Greg asked, as she shook her head. "No, uplifting," Lillian replied, "Uplifting is the word. It was a really heartwarming experience. After being followed by death and sadness for months, this felt like a much needed change of pace. This person was...so great, and I'm so happy Vera gave me the assignment. For once, a man asked me to keep my crown on, and it wasn't for a creepy reason." Greg smiled, nodding, writing something down. "Please, go on," he said. *** "Hello?" Lillian asked as she entered cautiously, spotting a young man with long brunette hair lying in the bed, their legs wrapped in casts. They smiled upon seeing Lillian. "Hi!" they said, "Please, have a seat!" "Thank you," Lillian said, seating herself in the chair beside the bed, "So, how're things?" "Not too great as you can see," the man replied, "but better now, I guess, since I have some company." "Your parents haven't come to see you, or?" "Oh no, they've been here regularly," he said, "But they have to work during the day, and so I just...I didn't like spending all my time here alone. I like your dress. It's very sparkly." "It is indeed very sparkly, isn't it?" Lillian said, tugging gently at her waist and smiling, "I had it custom made. The company said I could do whatever I wanted, costume wise, so I hired someone to design something and this is what they came up with. I love it." "It's so pretty," the man said, sighing, "Everything about princesses is pretty. I begged my mom to let me be a princess for Halloween one year, and she relented much to my surprise. After seeing how happy it made me, she never questioned me again, which was nice. Even then, that was just a shoddy little store bought costume, not something spectacular like this." "It's nice your parents are so understanding," Lillian said, smiling at him warmly, "My mom and I have...issues. We're slowly working on them, but it's difficult." "My father has taken some time to come around, but...I guess he's pretty on board with who I am and what I like at this point. He used to seem ashamed. Now he just seems happy that I'm happy and sometimes I think that's really all you can hope for out of a parent. Mild acceptance and somewhat conditional love. My name's Josh, by the way." Josh held his hand out and Lillian happily shook it. "Lillian," she replied, "So how bad is the damage?" "Eh, they say I'll be alright, which is good cause I'm a professional swimmer," Josh said, "I kinda need my legs to make a living." "Having nearly been a model on the catwalk, I kinda know what you mean," Lillian said, making Josh chuckle. "Can I see your crown?" he asked, and Lillian happily removed it from her head and handed it to him. He carefully took it and turned it over in his hands, admiring it from all angles; his eyes watered, and he said, "...it's so hard to know yourself as a child. To know who you are instead of slowly figuring it out. You'd think it'd be easier, but it isn't. It wasn't." "It really wasn't, you're not wrong," Lillian replied, shifting in her chair, adding, "I didn't know myself super well, but-" "No, no, I don't mean, well I'm sorry, I don't mean to invalidate what you're saying, I'm sure you're right too, but I didn't really mean it in the sense of knowing who you are, but knowing who you're supposed to be. But...but nobody sees you the way you see you, you know? When you looked in the mirror, did you see a princess?" "I...I saw a scared little girl who didn't know how to ask for help," Lillian said. "Yeah," Josh said, whispering, almost crying, "...me too." *** "Sounds like a rather emotional situation to be thrust into," Greg said, "How did you handle that?" "I just let them talk," Lillian said, "It seemed like they wanted to talk to someone more than have a proper conversation, so I just let them do that. It was...enlightening to say the least. And really, after the party Tyler and I did together earlier this year, my mind was a lot more open to the idea of gender non conforming folk, so talking to Josh was a really easy experience. Not that I was ever closed minded about it or anything, I just...I have never really known any personally." "Understandable," Greg replied, leaning forward, "Lillian, can I ask you a question?" "I mean, isn't that what the whole basis of being a therapist is?" Lillian asked, making him chuckle. "I suppose," he said before clearing his throat, "Tell me something though...do you understand where they're coming from?" "I sort of do. I mean, being forced into beauty pageants make you somewhat, or at least it made me, somewhat unnerved by femininity. Which sucks, because I actually love being feminine. But femininity is so capitalized, so industrialized, used in such a negative way and viewed in such a negative light that it makes it hard for me to find pride in it. This is why I prefer not to wear dresses outside of my costume, generally. So yeah, I like to think that I'm somewhat understanding of these peoples feelings regarding gender." "That's fair," Greg said, "Please, go on." "Well, as I said, I gave them the crown..." *** "Looking in the mirror has always been painful," Josh said, "Seeing someone I didn't recognize, seeing someone who didn't look how I looked in my head. Seeing someone everyone other than me saw. That's why I like costumes, because you get to be someone other than yourself." "I feel it," Lillian said, leaning back in her chair and nodding, "I hate being myself." "I don't hate being myself, I hate being the version of me others thought there was," Josh said, "I actually love being myself. But even when you've got approval, it makes it awkward. I so badly want to be myself and I know my parents would let me, and it's not like they have any say cause I'm legally an adult now, but...we're so conditioned by society not to question our elders, and to respect our parents, that I don't wanna do anything that might make them uncomfortable. But how is that fair? Cause by living this way, I'm uncomfortable." Josh sighed and looked at the emerald in the crown tip, rubbing their thumb over it and smiling. "...I guess I never thought about the fact that I just took my femininity for granted. Something that seems to necessary to others seemed so ordinary to me. I feel kinda bad about that," Lillian said softly. "Oh, please, don't feel bad! I'm sorry! I didn't wanna make you sad! I just...I'm jealous. That's all. I'm jealous and I wanted a princess to come and cheer me up because that's what princesses do, right? They make everything better. They spread joy and cheer. They bring happiness to the world." "I suppose," Lillian said, "I'm not very good at that though." "Well, you're making me feel better, so I'll be the judge of your skills," Josh said, making her laugh; he handed her the crown and said, "Maybe someday I'll be brave like a princess, but until that day comes, I suppose just knowing one will have to do." Lillian took her crown and quickly wiped at her eyes with her sleeve when Josh wasn't looking. *** "Sorry to interrupt, but...if you're so sketch about femininity, may I ask why you picked a princess? The most girly character there is?" Greg asked, "I'm sorry if this is sort of out of line, I'm just...I'm a little curious behind the decision." "I told you it has to do with the accident at Disneyland," Lillian said, "Remember?" "That can't be the whole reason though," Greg said, "I mean surely you must-" "Little girls are called princesses, we're entered in beauty pageants, wrapped in the color pink when we're born. Femininity is literally all encompassing. From the moment you're brought into this world, if you're a girl, you're valued by nothing other than your looks. Sure, not by your parents exactly, but by mostly everyone. And okay, maybe that's finally starting to change, but..." Lillian exhaled and pulled her hair back into a big ponytail before talking again. "...but maybe I wanted to prove that not every princess has to be happy. Think about what a princess has to go through, has to endure. The weight of an entire kingdom resting on her shoulders once she inherits the throne? That's a lot of pressure to put on a little girl! Everyone's looking to you for guidance! And little girls are expected to grow up quickly enough as it is, so...so I guess I just wanted other little girls to see that, hey, sometimes being a princess AND being sad is okay." "Hmmm, that's...oddly heroic of you," Greg said, "And I suppose you're right. Little girls are always told to be happy and smiling, which is why so many never get their depression rightfully diagnosed, because they become so good at masking. At pretending to be something they're not." "We're all pretending to be something we're not, is what I'm slowly learning," Lillian said, "but in Josh's case, the thing they're pretending to be is something they don't want to be." *** "Maybe this was a sign," Josh said, sighing, shrugging. "Yeah, a sign to watch for traffic signals," Lillian replied, making them laugh. "No, you know what I mean. A sign to, you know, be more careful about life in general. Stop being so short sighted and instead embrace the difference instead of fearing it," Josh said, "Who cares if my parents don't fully approve, you know? I can't reach the end of my life being someone I'm not. You don't get a second shot. I have to do the things I need to do now, while I have the chance." Lillian nodded and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and nodding. "I know what you mean," she said, "Recently I've befriended this little girl who had a kid die at her birthday party, and it's made reassess what's actually important to me. I like being there for others. I like helping. I'm sick of being so selfish all the time, and I'm sick of certain aspects of my personality. Change is good, not bad, and even if the change is bad, it's only bad momentarily. It all winds up good in the end, right?" "I'd like to think so," Josh said, "Here, give me your hand." Lillian raised an eyebrow, curious, but did as they asked and reached out. Josh grabbed a pen off a nearby table and jotted their name and number down on her hand. "Give me a call sometime, because I'd really like to see you again, outside of such a weird situation. If, ya know, that's okay," they said. "That's perfectly okay," Lillian responded, smiling warmly, "I'd...I'd really like that." "Maybe you can take me to the ball when I get out of here." Lillian laughed. It was the first time she'd genuinely laughed in weeks. Things had been so dark, so tense lately, that this was the only thing that had made her feel good about what she was doing with her life. Truth be told, she couldn't wait to see Josh again, and she found herself finally looking forward to something for a change. But this wasn't was bothering her. *** "So wait, you had a great time, met someone you really connected with, and it all went better than expected, so why'd you schedule an emergency appointment?" Greg asked, "I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused is all." "Because that was just the start," Lillian said, "Vera gave me that assignment, and everyone else an assignment, to get us out of her hair that night so she could have a meeting with corporate. By the time I got home, any good from that day was erased by what I went home to." Greg furrowed his brow, concerned, as Lillian finished telling him about her day. *** Reaching her floor, Lillian stepped out of the elevator in her apartment building, and began heading down the hall towards her door. She looked down at her hand again and smiled. Josh even had feminine handwriting, and she found it rather cute. It wasn't until she looked back up to see Alexis and Tyler sitting outside her apartment that she began to feel something other than happiness. "What are you guys doing here?" she asked as she approached, pulling her keys from her purse. "We needed to see you immediately," Tyler said. "Well let me get through the door first," Lillian said, opening the door to the apartment and letting them in, then following them in herself. She shut and locked the door behind her, then turned to see them standing facing her, both looking sullen; she scowled and asked, "...what's happened?" "It's Vera," Alexis said, "She tried to fight it, but she couldn't. The company's being sold to a big conglomerate and we're just merchandise to be shuffled around under new management." "...what?" "Yeah, and they say we may not get to keep the characters we've been," Tyler said. "WHAT?" Lillian asked, now feeling outraged just as someone knocked on her door; she groaned then went to answer it, saying, "Jesus, could things get any fucking worse..." As she pulled the apartment door back open, she spotted Rina standing there. "...what're you doing here?!" she asked Rina. "...you need to come with me," she said, "Something's happened to Maddie."
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
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