Lillian was sitting in the parking lot, amongst a large crowd, while ambulances and cop cars tried to make sense of the tragedy. Children were crying, parents were comforting their kids, and yet Lillian's parents were nowhere to be found, and she was seated on a bench outside the theme park by herself, watching them wheel a stretcher with a body bag atop it out the gate, towards the nearby ambulance. How had this happened? Why would anyone do this to themselves? These were questions that Lillian once found so hard to answer, but now, as an adult, completely knew the answers to.
And that scared her more than anything else. *** Lillian was sitting at the bar of the bistro, drinking water while watching Rina wash some glasses. Lillian glanced around at the other people sitting at the bar, each one nursing their own drink or eating bar snacks or appetizers. Lillian looked back at Rina, who was stood in front of her, wiping one glass in particular down. "How many jobs do you even have?" Lillian asked. "I like to help my community," Rina said, shrugging, "and then when I'm not helping my community, I like to take advantage of it. I get off work in about 3 minutes, if you're capable of waiting that long." "I've already sat here for a good 2 hours, so what's another 3 minutes really," Lillian said, as Rina smirked and placed that glass down and picked up yet another, wiping that one down, clearly just doing something to pass the time until she was off work; Lillian sighed and asked, "What do you wanna do?" "I'm going to show you something really cool," Rina said, "Trust me, it's gonna blow your mind." "I doubt that," Lillian said, running her hand through her thick hair, exhaling, "Not much blows my mind anymore, and if something does somehow manage to do so, it's often because it's something truly awful and disgusting." "Well this isn't awful and disgusting, so I guess we'll see," Rina said, as her watch beeped, and she sighed, "Thank god." Rina tugged at the straps on her apron and pulling it off, shoving it into the backpack she picked off the floor behind the bar. Lillian finished her water and watched as Rina came around the side of the bar. "Aren't you going to tell anyone you're leaving?" Lillian asked. "Why? I'm off work. This is someone else's problem now," Rina said. Lillian followed Rina out of the bistro and towards the parking lot while Rina tried to pull the straps of her backup around her shoulders. "Slow down, I'm wearing heels," Lillian said. "Why are you wearing heels?" "Because I worked today too, remember? I was at a party until about 5. They always make me wear heels, it's one of the few times in my life that footwear has been dictated upon me. Otherwise I'd never wear heels, but princesses wear heels, so I have to wear heels." "What was the other time footwear was dictated upon you?" Rina asked as they reached her car and she unlocked it, tossing her backpack into the backseat as Lillian headed to the passenger side door and looked over the roof at Rina. "What?" "You said this was one of the few times in your life that footwear was dictated upon you. What was the other time?" Rina asked, and Lillian debated momentarily telling her about her mother, and about the beauty pageants, but instead she just shook her head. "Nothing. Just other jobs, you know," Lillian said, "Forget it." As the girls piled into the car, Lillian couldn't help but feel like crap. She was only a few weeks into this friendship, and she was already lying to her. What would Vera say? *** "I always imagine pirates go out of style for some reason," Tyler said, sitting in the booth at the diner and cutting his sandwich in half while Alexis sat across from him, eating soup. "What do you mean?" she asked. "I don't know. Stuff kids like seems to go in cycles, you know? Like for a while all the kids will be into knights and dragons and stuff, and then for a while it's all space oriented, and I just...I guess I haven't seen a whole lot of pirate stuff for a while so I figured it was on the downturn," Tyler said, biting into his sandwich. "Pirates never go out of style," Alexis said, "That's why I picked it as my costume. Because pirates are always universally cool. Action and adventure, mysterious islands and curses. Kids love shit like that." Tyler scooted over as Vera sat down in the booth beside him, unscrewing the lid on her thermos and sipping her coffee gently as she looked between the two of them. "What are we talking about?" Vera asked. "What the most popular kid characters are for parties," Tyler said, "I was just saying that I'm surprised that pirates are still so highly sought after." "Are you kidding?" Vera asked, pulling a small black book out of her cardigan pocket with a pen and opening it, "Kids love pirates. It's all excitement and violence. Kids love violence, no matter what someone might tell you. Plus, pirates get to be on their ship and go anywhere they want, do anything they want; kids like that level of freedom, and it allows them to use their imagination. Alex made the best choice of all of you." "Thank you," Alex said, going back to eating her soup. "What are you doing?" Tyler asked, nodding to the small black book Vera had pulled out. "Going over your paychecks for this month," Vera said, "How many parties did you do this month?" she asked, looking up across the table at Alex. "Like I keep track of that. I'd have to find all the addresses I've been given, and that stuff's all at home," Alex said. "You guys are useless," Vera said, exhaling annoyed. "I think Lil's got the most timeless character of us all," Tyler said, "I mean, honestly, a princess is never going to go out of style, especially since the United Kingdom ensures the monarchy will always exist in the real world no matter what." "That isn't why she's a princess," Vera said, "Trust me, she doesn't want to be a princess, it's just what she's most familiar with." "...what the hell does that mean?" Alex asked, giving Vera a strange look. "Ask her sometime. Ask her about her mother. About the pageants. About the women who threw herself in front of the train at Disneyland. It'll make more sense," Vera said. Alexis looked from Vera at Tyler, who just shrugged. *** "Are we there yet?" Lillian asked, batting at the beads hanging down from Rina's rearview mirror. "No, and stop playing with that like you're a cat," Rina said, grabbing the beads and pulling them off the mirror, shoving them into her coat pocket. "What are they?" "They're prayer beads," Rina said, "My mom likes me to drive around with them. She thinks driving isn't safe, and she's not exactly wrong." "Your family religious?" Lillian asked. "Not really. My mom is sort of, but even then not as much now as she was when we were kids," Rina said, "It's more of a superstitious thing...my cousin was killed in a car accident when I was young, and I guess that just scared her to death, so I've never driven without them." "Wow, that's screwed up, I'm sorry," Lillian said. Lillian didn't say anything else until they finally pulled up to a building and parked. Rina got out, as did Lillian, and together they headed inside. It looked like a library, and once they got indoors, Lillian realized that was exactly what it was. She was confused, but curious, so she just followed Rina quietly into the library, until they reached the childrens area, where she saw it. A circle of chairs, most of them filled with someone, everyone wearing a costume of some kind. Lillian's brow raised in confusion, and she watched as Rina stopped by a nearby bookshelf filled with young childrens picturebooks and watched from afar. Lillian stood beside her and whispered. "What is this?" she asked. "It's a support group for people who do dress up," Rina said, "I figured you might find something here that would be of interest to you, even if you don't want to participate. I used to come regularly, back when I did cosplay and stuff. Not so much these days." "This is wild," Lillian said, "But I don't dress up for fun, it's for work." "Doesn't have to just be for fun. It's for anyone, with any reason," Rina said, "That includes you, if you have anything you'd like to share or talk about or whatever." Lillian looked at the group, and she felt a gnawing in the pit of her gut. She wanted to talk. She wanted to talk about her mother, about the beauty pageants, about that day...the day she saw a princess die, but she couldn't do that with strangers. Hell, she hadn't even told Tyler about that stuff yet, and he was basically her best friend. She sighed and looked at Rina. "...I can't do this," she whispered. "That's okay, I just wanted you to know you had the choice," Rina said. "Why'd you even care?" "Because when we met you told me you were looking out for Maddison's best interests, but is anyone looking out for yours? You wanted to make sure she was okay after what happened, but has anyone ever made sure you're okay?" "I mean, I have a therapist, but, I don't know," Lillian said, "I guess I just sort of bottle everything up and I never really talk about anything...I just instead want to ignore it, move on, forget about it. Try and pretend none of it is a part of me. But I know that's stupid. I'm the way I am because of what I've gone through...I've never told anyone this, but I used to do child beauty pageants, and I was the best at it. I won all kinds of awards and ribbons and medals and, god, I was the best." "And?" "I don't know," Lillian said, leaning against the bookshelf and sliding down, sitting on the floor, Rina doing the same, as she added, "I guess I just like thinking about it because it wasn't something I really wanted to do. It was something my mom was obsessed with, and she kind of made me do it. And then, the last one I ever did was The Little Miss Princess Pageant, and I just..." Rina pulled the prayer beads out of her pocket and handed them to her. Lillian smiled weakly, taking them and squeezing them tightly as she tried her best to hold back tears, poorly. "...I had a complete breakdown. I was like 12. Way too young for a mental breakdown, but I lost it," Lillian said. "Pressure can do that to a child." "It wasn't the pressure," Lillian said, "It was because, just a year before that, I saw a princess die." That got Rina's attention. *** Alexis had left, leaving Tyler and Vera alone in the diner. It was getting later, darker, and Tyler was starting to feel like he should head home himself. He sighed, picked his hat up from the table and set it atop his head before looking at Vera, who had taken Alex's seat. "I guess I should be getting home," Tyler said, "I have a party in the early afternoon tomorrow. You need a ride home?" "Naw, I'll be okay," Vera said, scribbling something down on a napkin, still clearly doing bookkeeping; she looked up at Tyler as he got out of the booth and looked down at her, she smiled and stopped writing, asking, "You want me to come over for a bit?" "I think I'll be okay," Tyler said, "If Lil stops by, tell her I said hi." "Will do," Vera said, watching Tyler leave the diner. As she saw him get in his car from her window seat, she couldn't help but feel sad. She wanted to go home with him. She'd wanted to go home with him for a while, but he always seemed uninterested, or simply too busy and tired. Vera had liked Tyler for a long time now, but she also knew how messy it could make things, having a relationship with someone whose career she also oversaw. So instead Vera sat in the booth and continued doing her paperwork, slowly sipping the coffee from her thermos well into the evening. She didn't expect to see Lillian, and she was kind of relieved. She needed a break. *** "You know," Rina said, "My family has always been supportive of me, so I guess I have a hard time understanding how someone can dislike their family, but you're not alone. Plenty of people want to disown their parents, and from what you've told me, you have genuine reason to do so." "I'm just mad," Lillian said, looking at the prayer beads in her hand, illuminated by the overhead streetlamps as Rina drove; she continued, "I just wish she'd listened to me once I said I didn't want to do it anymore, and now my entire self esteem is based upon my physical appearance, my self worth tied up in how attractive I am and still being a princess in one way or another. I don't want to be a princess, but it's all I've ever known, really. Beauty and elegance." Rina wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure what to say, so instead she just stayed quiet. Finally, after a few moments, she just whispered, "...you can keep the prayer beads. You need them more than I do." This made Lillian genuinely smile as she looked out the passenger window. "Thanks, Rina," she whispered back. *** Walking through the parking lot, looking for her parents, Lillian couldn't help but feel confused and scared, lost and sad. She held her own hand, to keep herself from feeling like she was alone, but it didn't help much. After a moment, she saw the ambulance start up, about to drive away, when one of the EMTs threw something bundled up in the nearby trashcan. After the ambulance pulled away, lights spinning, siren blaring, Lillian approached the trashcan and looked inside. She reached inside and pulled out the bundle; a mess of bloody cloth, glitter covered and wet with warm blood. She unwrapped the costume the woman had been wearing, throwing it back into the garbage can, and then she looked at the tiara she'd gotten from the bundle. Still perfect. Still pristine. She put it on her head and then continued looking around, still looking for her parents, feeling a little braver now. After all...she was a princess, and princesses can do anything. Even throw themselves in front of trains.
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
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