That blinding light, shining right in Lillian's eyes, making her squint upwards as she attempted to stumble onto the stage, in front of all the other little girls, facing the crowd in front of her. She could see her mother sitting in a first row seat, filming her with a camcorder, grinning happily. Lillian just wanted to scream and run away. She looked to the judges table, and saw one of the men adjust his microphone. He was a handsome enough man, in his early thirties, who had the look of a cool college professor. He lifted up his cards and cleared this throat.
"Lillian Phillips...please, in your own words, tell me why you think you deserve to be The Harvest Queen this fall?" he asked, making Lillian blink a few times, trying to figure out her response. She shouldn't have had to think; she and her mother had rehearsed this a million times over, and she knew the correct response to give. And yet... ...that wasn't the answer she'd wind up giving, and the one she'd wind up giving would end her beauty pageant career for good. *** Lillian had a week off. For the first time in months, she had an entire week off, and she was grateful for it. She'd ordered in last night, stayed up watching crappy game show reruns and eventually passed out on her couch, chinese boxes littering her coffee table, her robe partially open. She only woke up because her landline rang, rudely interrupting her sleep. She groaned, rolled off the couch to her feet and walked across the room towards the landline hanging on the wall in the nearby kitchen of her apartment. She picked it up, still half asleep, and rubbed her eyes. "Yeeeah, hello?" she asked. "Lily! It's mom!" Her heart sank. "Hello," she said flatly. "I'm in need of some help, if you'd be so willing," her mother said. "Depends on what it is I have to do," Lillian replied. "Oh, nothing, I just want you to come with me on some errands and give me your opinions on some stuff I'm buying," she said, which made Lillian feel a little bit better. "Yeah, okay, that sounds...normal," Lillian said, making her mother laugh. "I'll be there in a half hour, okay? I'm bringing coffee and donuts, and we can eat in the car!" she said, before hanging up without even saying goodbye. Lillian hung up as well, then stared at the phone. She picked it up and slammed it into the base a number of times before calmly hanging up one last time again. It sounded normal, sure, but it rarely if ever was. Lillian got dressed; a plain white v neck t-shirt under some overalls and pulled her hair in pigtails. Seemed like she always regressed to being a kid when she was around her mother, which she was certain her therapist would have an absolute field day with if he knew. She packed a small pleather backpack full of some items (a book, some medication, a water bottle and some granola bars; just odds and ends for a day out) and tossed it on her back before heading to the parking lot of the apartment to wait for her mother. When her mother pulled up in her car, Lillian almost didn't recognize it. After it slowed to a crawl, the door opened automatically and Lillian climbed inside, clicking her seatbelt tight as her mother leaned in and kissed her cheek. "This car looks new," Lillian said. "It is," Jane said, "Well, relatively new. Figured it was time for a little upgrade, considering I'd been driving that old car since you were a kid." "Well it's nice," Lillian said, almost impressed, adding, "...so, what exactly is it you need me to do?" "I just wanted to spend the day with my daughter," Jane said, "Is that too much to ask?" "I don't know. Sometimes things don't go too well..." "Well, I recognize that, but it doesn't mean we should stop trying," Jane said, making Lillian smirk, even if she remained somewhat hesitant. Her mother was nothing if not smooth, a trait Lillian herself had always admired and envied for herself. Unfortunately, she'd seemed to have been saddled with her fathers blunt awkwardness. Jane pulled out of the parking lot and began heading down the street, the late October sun shining down through the somewhat grey sky, warming Lillian's face. She shut her eyes, rolled the window down a smidge and took in the sound of the crunching leaves beneath her mothers tires. "You doing anything for Halloween this week?" Jane asked. "Um, I have to go to a work party, yeah," Lillian replied, "Why? Are you doing something?" "I'm having a get together with some of the other women on my block," Jane said, "Nothing special, just something low key while their kids are out trick or treating, you know. That's actually part of why I needed your help today, I need to find a Halloween costume to wear." Lillian genuinely smiled. "Well, okay, I can definitely help with that," Lillian said. She liked these good times. She liked them so much, she often forgot that most of her life with her mother had been bad times. *** An hour before the show had started, Lillian had been in the dressing room with the other little girls and their mothers, but now she was the only one still in there. She was tired, she was scared, and she didn't want to go out on stage. Her mother had forgotten the camera, so she had to quickly run home to grab it, telling Lillian not to leave the room until she got back, something Lillian happily obliged to. Sitting there on the little couch, eating apple slices from a tupperware on the table and reading a book, there was a knock on the door. Lillian looked up at it to see the door slowly open, and that handsome young looking judge peer inside cautiously. "Hey, just wanted to make sure nobody was still in here, you're all on in about an hour," he said, coming in and shutting the door behind him. "I know, my mom forgot the video camera," Lillian said. "Ah, okay then," he said, sitting down on the coffee table across from her. Lillian liked his cool grey suit, and his slacked haircut, his beard stubble, his green eyes. He was extremely charming, and she understood why he was one of the judges; he cocked his head at her and asked, "What are you reading?" "It's a fantasy book about a time traveling cat," Lillian said. "That's pretty cool. Do you have cats?" "No, my dad's allergic. I want a cat, but I can't have one," Lillian said, "Maybe when I'm grown up I'll get a cat." "That's a shame, cats are cool," the judge said, "Don't sit too long, or you might put a crease in your dress and, as a judge I have to say, that sort of thing is noticeable. You should get up now and then and just pace or something to keep it bouncy." "Oh...okay, thanks, I didn't think about that," Lillian said. She stood up and set her book down on the table, and then started pacing around the room. The judge watched her for a moment, as she stopped and looked at her makeup in the mirror. She felt weird, being so young and having to wear makeup, but it'd always been a necessary requirement for the pageants. Still, she hated the way it felt on her face. Suddenly she felt hands on her shoulders and looked up, expecting them to belong to her mother, except they didn't. The judge was standing behind her, looking at her in the mirror, his hands squeezing her shoulders. She felt uncomfortable as he pressed up against her from behind, way too close for comfort. "You look fine," he whispered. "...okay," she said. "Trust me, I think you have the strongest chance to win," he continued, speaking softly, "you're easily the prettiest contestant, not that beauty is all that matters in these things, but it plays a pretty big role considering it's in the title." She felt his hand running down her arms, but she didn't dare move or speak. She just stayed deadly still, as she felt his hand slide under the ruffles of her dress, and slide itself into her leggings, getting close to her front. Lillian shut her eyes tightly, wanting to scream but instead staying silent as possible as she touched her. Suddenly the door jiggled, and his hands were off her. The judge walked to the door as Lillian watched him in the mirror; he smoothed his hair, adjusted his pants and straightened his tie before unlocking and opening the door, letting her mother back in. "...why was this locked?" Jane asked. "Habit," the judge said, "I came to be with her so she didn't have to be alone. Actually I was just checking to see if the room was clear and found her her, then thought I'd wait with her until you came back. I lock doors at my house all the time, it's just a bad habit." "...okay," Jane said quietly, adding, "Well thank you. We'll see you out there." Lillian didn't take her eyes off the judge, who - as he shut the door behind him, winked at her - had made her skin crawl. She wanted to vomit, hide and cry. She felt disgusting. Jane came over to her and sat down on the table, twiddling with the camera until Lillian sat down beside her. "...mom?" she asked softly. "Yes?" "...would you believe me if I told you something?" she asked. "Of course," Jane said, putting a small tape into the camera and looking through the eyepiece. "...I don't wanna do these anymore," Lillian said. "Well, we'll talk about this after the show, okay?" Lillian nodded. She wanted to tell her mother the truth, about what the judge had done, how he'd touched her, but she was scared. Instead she told her mother the truth about something else, which is how she wanted to quit pageants altogether. After the incident at the theme park, and now this...it just didn't seem as fun as it once had. *** After they finished shopping, they headed back home, and Jane tried on the various costumes in the bathroom while Lillian wandered into her childhood bedroom. She stood in front of the shelf that housed all her trophies, ribbons and, of course, all the plastic crowns she'd accrued throughout her pageant years. Lillian stood and touched each one gently with her fingertips, feeling like she was a totally different person now, and yet still unsure who exactly she was. She felt like she'd lost herself, somehow, without ever even knowing who she had been to begin with. The door opened and her mother stood there, dressed like a scarecrow. Lillian looked at her mother, and tried not to laugh, which only made Jane laugh as she came further into the room, leaning over in front of Lillian's childhood vanity table and checking herself in the mirror. "God, I used to have the body for sexy costumes," Jane said, "Now it's a hit or miss." "...mom, remember when we used to play dress up?" Lillian asked. "Of course!" Jane said, pushing her curly bangs from her face, "while your father went to work, you and I played dress up all day, and that's part of why you wanted to do beauty pageants. I mean, I had a hand in that, obviously, having done it myself, but you were excited about the idea." "I feel like I've been dressing up as someone else my entire life, and I've never figured out who I am," Lillian said, sitting on her childhood bed, turning over a tiara from a former pageant in her hands, "...I have to tell you something, something I never told you." Jane turned and looked at her, before walking and sitting beside her. "What is it? Are you gay?" "...I don't think so," Lillian said, laughing, "No, not that I'm that interested in anyone one way or another these days, but, no, I'm not gay. No, um, the last pageant I did, remember? When I...anyway. When you came into the room, and that judge was in there...before you got there, he..." Lillian clutched her overalls tightly, trying not to cry. "...uh, he touched me," Lillian whispered, "and I've been in therapy about it for a while now, and uh, and I don't like having sex anymore, and...and I wanted to tell you then but you so badly wanted me to do well in that pageant and I'd already told you that I'd wanted to quit, and I just...it always felt like I was never good enough, no matter how much I won. I'm sorry." "...are you okay, Lily?" Jane asked, reaching over and gently stroking her daughters pigtails. "I'm not okay, mom, no. I'm really messed up. I don't know who I am. I spent my whole adolescence dressing up to impress others and now I spend my whole adulthood dressing up to make others happy. I never learned to like myself for who I was, because I never found out who I was, and it's made me wary of anyone, and I feel like I don't trust anybody, and..." She sniffled and wiped her nose on her arm. "...a few weeks ago, this friend of mine I work with, he did a party for a little girl and this classmate of hers died at her party, and I started to talk to this little girl and hang out with her because...because I just knew her parents weren't, and I knew what it was like to be a kid and be confused about something horrible that had happened around you, and...and I just didn't want her to feel like I'd felt." Jane leaned over and hugged her daughter warmly, exhaling. "You're a good kid," Jane said softly, "I'm sorry I wasn't such a good mom." "You were fine, mom." "No, I...fine wasn't enough, okay? I recognize that now. I have felt so bad for so long for pressuring you to continue doing something you didn't have your heart in, and...and now after hearing this, like, I feel guilty, like if I'd just let you be you, and let you quit before that show, maybe this creep wouldn't have-" "No, mom, no, it isn't your fault, it isn't my fault, that's something my therapist has taught me. These things just happen and the only person to really blame is the asshole who did it, and who probably kept doing it to other little girls long after that," Lillian said, "...but thank you." Jane smiled and kissed her daughter on the forehead. "You'll always be my baby," Jane said quietly, "Even when I'm not a great mom, just know that I'll always love you. It wasn't easy for me, I wasn't ready to be a mom. That's why I always acted more like a friend than a parent. I was too young. I just...I wasn't grown up enough myself. I'm sorry, Lily." Lillian hugged her mom back and the two just sat like that for a while. All in all it wasn't a bad day after all. As she left the room, she picked out a tiara from the collection as her new costume tiara. It was time for a change. *** Standing on the stage, staring her near molester down, she waited, thinking of what to say. He tapped his mic again and repeated the question. "Miss Phillips?" he asked, "Uh, please, in your own words, tell me why you think you deserve to be The Harvest Queen this fall?" he said. "....I don't," she said quietly, which made people in the audience audibly gasp; she continued after a moment, "...I don't deserve to be The Harvest Queen. We're all equally pretty, and this is stupid and I don't wanna do it anymore." Lillian unclipped the small microphone from her dress, dropped it on the stage and walked off, smiling as she did so. She never did a beauty pageant again.
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
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