It was warm. It was warm all over, like life itself was giving her a hug. That was until the sound started to come back, and she could hear someone crying over her. When Alexis Lafayette finally got her eyes opened, even just a bit, everything was blurry, like she was underwater. As it turned out, she had been underwater. She'd been underwater for a bit too long. Now, however, she was lying on the beach as a small crowd formed around her, and a young woman - someone who appeared to be in high school - was sitting beside her, breathing hard. She was wearing a one piece swimsuit and had a whistle around her neck. Alexis would later come to learn this lifeguard was the one who'd dragged her limp body out of the ocean, and up onto the sand. She'd never find out her name. She was told it didn't matter. But it did. It did matter.
Because the older Alexis got, the more addicted to drugs she became, the more she began to let down her parents, the more she wanted to yell at this lifeguard. This poor, 17 year old girl who was simply doing her weekend job, who didn't expect to be saving a child that particular day. She wanted to grab her by the shoulders, shake her violently and ask her why she'd saved her. Why had she brought her back. Alexis hadn't wanted to die, but as she got older, she was getting angry that she'd survived. Now, as an adult, standing in front of a large aquarium filled with small sharks and various other marine life, sipping on the straw in her plastic soda cup from the theme parks cafeteria, she couldn't help but wonder if perhaps her interest in making "pirate" her costume of choice for work was partially driven by her seafaring escapades as a little girl. She grimaced and shook her head. Nah. That was dumb. That wasn't remotely connected outside of being vaguely water related. She shouldn't try to psychoanalyze herself, she knew, it never went well. Suddenly she heard Lillian approach her and hand her a churro. "Thank you," she said, taking it and immediately taking a large bite. "The show's gonna start in like 3 minutes," Lillian said, checking her watch, making Alex scoff. "Who still wears a watch?" Alex asked. "It's a little thing called fashion, I suggest you familiarize yourself," Lillian replied, the both of them laughing. Since starting their own company, Alexis and Lillian had been spending more and more time together, and had become essentially best friends. These days they often spent entire weekends together, and were even doing parties together now. For Lillian, it was that Alex was the closest thing to a friend she could have (outside of Rina), since Vera was far too business oriented and Tyler was too focused on Vera. "Where's Rina and the kid?" Alex asked. "They're already seated," Lillian said, "Josh is gonna go on shortly. You like fish?" "I guess," Alexis said, shrugging, tossing her hair from her eyes, "did I ever tell you I almost drowned as a kid? I was probably 7 or 8, and I wasn't a very strong swimmer. My family was kinda poor growing up, so we went to the beach a lot just cause it was free. One time I don't even remember what happened, but I do remember waking up on the sand, and this lifeguard had pulled me from the water and I guess I was real close to being dead." "That's terrifying," Lillian said as they turned and started heading for the outdoor arena area where the shows took place. "Probably, but I don't remember it. That's the thing, people always talk about these ordeals as if they're scary as hell, but the people experiencing them are often unconscious. Like, also one time, I was hit by a car while on my bike and I was in the hospital for like a week, unconscious, and my parents always talked about what a harrowing thing it was, but like, wasn't shit to me, dude, I was sleepin'." "Why did they continue to let you out of the house when everything is clearly trying to kill you?" Lillian asked, biting her churro, making Alex smirk. "You got me. Maybe they were trying to bump me off, make their lives financially easier. Having three kids while being poor isn't too great," Alexis said. They exited into the marina, and headed up the concrete stairs, up through the seating area, looking for Rina and Maddie. After a short walk, they spotted them and saw Maddie waving furiously at them, jumping up and down. Alex and Lillian smiled at one another, and headed further up until they reached them and took their seats. "Good seats," Alexis said, "...we won't get wet from this will we?" "I doubt it, we're pretty high up," Rina said. "Churro?" Lillian asked, handing one to Rina and one to Maddie, both of whom happily took them and started to bite in. The show started, and the performers were announced. One by one people around their age swam out from the building and into the enormous pool arena, in their mermaid costumes, and when Lillian finally spotted Josh, she couldn't help but smile like an idiot. Since coming to work for them, Josh had grown their hair out to their waist and had chosen a mermaid as their party costume, which, as it turned out, wasn't as difficult as they'd initially thought it'd be to achieve. It meant that they could charge extra, because the people Josh was hired for had to have a pool, and they got a lot of work for them because of that uniqueness. It'd been almost a year since the gang had left the company and formed their own, and almost a year since Maddie's dad had suffered a heart attack that had rendered him virtually reliant on his wife. Things had calmed down at Maddie's, but she still found herself spending a lot of time at the company headquarters, inside her little rocket ship, and Lillian had found herself spending a lot of time with Josh. *** "I have to tell you something," Josh said one day at lunch, right before Lillian was supposed to head to a party. She was in full costume, and they were sitting in the diner the gang liked to go to, just the two of them. "Is it bad?" "No, it isn't bad," Josh said, cutting their sandwich in half, "actually, it's great." "Thank god. I can't handle more bad news for a while," Lillian said, "last year almost killed me." "Well, I assure you this is good news. For me, anyway. Last week I had a doctors appointment," Josh said, taking a bite of their sandwich and chewing for a bit before continuing, "actually, same doctor who helped me with my physical therapy after the accident. Kind of a jack of all trades apparently. Anyway, so I talked to her about what we talked about, you know, in the hospital when you came to see me, and ultimately she suggested what I'd always considered, which was hormone replacement therapy." "Which is...?" "I'm going to live as a woman, like I've always wanted," Josh said, "I've already gone through the act of growing my hair out, changing up my wardrobe-" "It has become noticebly more feminine, I admit," Lillian said. "-and now I'm gonna start taking medication for physical effects," Josh said, "I figured, like we talked about in the hospital, why wait til I'm dead to be happy. I wanna be happy now, even if it isn't exactly what everyone else might want from me. My folks should be okay enough, they've been accepting up to this point, and my mom even knows I've always felt wrong in my body, but still. A scary but necessary change." Lillian smiled and stuck her fork into her salad, lifting some to her mouth and eating. After she chewed for a bit she put her fork down and folded her arms on the table, looking at them. "I'm jealous, cause you know what you want from life," Lillian said, "I'd give anything to be that certain of something at all." "You are though, you knew you wanted to start your own company," Josh said, "That's gotta count for something, right?" Lillian blushed. They were right. And so for the next few weeks, she took Josh shopping, she even went to doctors appointments with them, she wanted to be a building block in their new identity and help them stay stable as they took this new step into their future. But she wanted to do more than be there for them. After a while, Lillian discovered, she wanted to be a part of their future in general, and not just as a friend. *** After the show, everyone was back inside the main building. Alexis, Rina and Maddie were looking at stuff in the nearby gift shop, while Lillian waited for Josh to get changed and join them. Finally, after a bit of sitting and waiting, she spotted them coming out of a back door, in their jeans and button down flannel. Lillian smiled and shot right up from her seat, approaching them and hugging them tightly. "You were so good," she whispered. "Thanks!" Josh said, patting her on the back, "I'm glad you guys came, it was nice to finally have people appreciate what I do who actually know me." "Maddie loved it, like, totally loved it," Lillian said, as they both glanced over at Alexis and Maddie using plush seahorses to play make believe together and they laughed at the sight; she turned back to face Josh and added, "can we talk outside?" "Actually..." Josh said, looking around, "You wanna see something really cool?" Josh led Lillian halfway across the park, and into a large almost empty building. A few people were here, but it was almost solitary for them. Inside were dozens of glass tubes filled with various types of fish, including the ceiling. The lighting was a mixture of soft blue and white, and the whole place had a comforting feeling that washed over her as soon as she'd entered. "Why don't more people come here?" she asked. "Cause they'd prefer to do activities and see shows or the other aquatic animals. Most people don't wanna just look at boring fish," Josh said as they strolled though the hall, hand in hand; they continued, "but I don't think fish are boring. I think fish are cool. There's so many varieties and stuff, it's nice to see that much difference in one species. Diversity is good." Lillian smiled, looking at her feet as she cleared her throat. "...uh," she started, her voice shaky, "I haven't done this in a long time, and most of the people I've been with in the last few years have been kinda...not romantic, hah, it was more like casual hook ups and stuff, so I'm a bit nervous but-" "You don't even have to ask, of course we can go out," Josh said, making her laugh loudly. "God, am I that transparent," she asked. "You kinda are, but I like it," Josh replied, the two of them sitting down on a large plastic display of sea lions. Lillian pulled her legs up and crossed them, as Josh held her hand and rubbed them with their thumbs. "...you look really good," Lillian said, chuckling, "in and out of your mermaid costume. But I'm glad you said you wanted to, cause I've really enjoyed doing things with you, and I'm not so great at relationships so it'd be nice to get some practice, not that you're practice or anything, but you know what I mean. I'm just...I'm not...blah." "If I kiss you will you stop babbling?" Josh asked, and Lillian giggled and nodded. Josh leaned in and, one hand on her shoulder, the other still holding her hand, pressed their lips against hers. Later in the week, when Lillian would recount this moment to her therapist, she would say that it felt like kissing someone she'd always known, and that she'd never felt that before. She'd tell him that in the last few years she'd had random hook ups with guys she'd meet at the parties she worked who wanted to be with her just because of how feminine she looked in her princess attire, and how much they liked feeling bigger and stronger than her as a result, and how much this sickened her. She'd tell him how Josh didn't come off that way, because really, they weren't a man. She knew she was kissing another woman. She'd tell him how funny it was that sometime last year she'd told her mother she wasn't gay, and yet here she was, kissing another woman. But most importantly, she'd tell him, maybe for the first time since attending therapy... ...that she was happy. *** Josh was 12 when his sister had a birthday party. A pool party, nonetheless, and everything was mermaid themed. She was 9 years old, and yet Josh couldn't help but feel jealous. Sitting there in his bedroom, watching from upstairs as his sister and her friends splashed and played around with all their mermaid attire, all they wanted in the world was to be like them. To join them. Their bedroom door opened, and their mother stepped inside. "You don't wanna go down?" she asked, coming in and sitting on the bed as Josh shook their head; their mother rubbed their back and sighed, then asked, "...is there anything I can do for you?" Josh waited, then turned and pushed themselves into their mother, burying their face into her, and whispering. "make me like them," he said, near tears, and his mothers heart hurt. She stroked his long hair and held him close, wishing she could do anything to help subside this pain. "If I could go back in time, I don't know how I'd do it, but...I'd find a way to make you like them before you were born, I promise," she said quietly, "I'm so sorry. It's not fair that you have to feel this way, and it must hurt so much. I don't wanna see you hurt." Josh just cried harder, and spent the entire day with their mother, avoiding their sister and her pool party. Later in life, when getting the job at the aquatic center, when they were told they would be costumed as a mermaid, it made them feel grateful. Like somehow they'd won something back for themselves. They held that costume near and dear to their heart, which is why upon meeting Lillian, they instantly connected to her, because she understood how it felt to want to be something nobody else sees you as, whether it's a mermaid, a princess, or just a girl. *** "You're drunk, how'd you get drunk at an aquatic center?" Lillian asked as she drove Alexis home that evening. Alexis had the passenger window rolled down and ashed her cigarette out it, chuckling. "Like I go anywhere without alcohol on my person," she said, "you should stay over, I'm gonna take mushrooms." "You really should try and take a break," Lillian said. "Mushrooms aren't dangerous," Alexis said, "I'm trying to get off the harder stuff, which means taking more of the fun stuff, it's a fair trade off I think. And then maybe eventually I can ween myself off that too, not that I'd want to. The world is more fun when you're not experiencing it like everybody else." After dropping Alexis off, Lillian headed home to her apartment, and, upon getting there, found a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy outside. She picked them up and headed inside. As she sat down on her couch, she opened the little card and was surprised to find it was from Josh, which surprised her if only because how had they had the time in between leaving and now to make this happen? But Lillian didn't mind. She didn't mind one bit. She loved that someone was that invested in her, and was thinking of her. She opened the box and popped a chocolate in her mouth. Coconut. Her favorite. It might be a good night after all. After all, it isn't every day a cute girl sends you flowers and candy, and so she appreciated the gesture greatly. Josh really knew how to make her feel like a princess.
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A young woman named Lilian Phillips, who plays a princess at birthday parties, befriends a little girl who had a child die at her own birthday party. Archives
April 2024
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