"He's beautiful," Allie said, standing in front of the cage and smoking a cigar, "He's the most beautiful cat I've ever seen. I cannot believe this is actually happening. Like, I've dreamt of this my entire life, and now it's happening. It's so surreal."
Tony smiled and patted her back, chuckling as he puffed on his own cigar, saying, "This is the big time, kid. You've really made it. What are you gonna name it?" She hadn't really thought about this, actually. She'd never had a pet growing up, so she wasn't exactly a professional when it came to naming animals. Allie stood there, looking at this tiger, and thinking for quite some time before finally sighing and smiling. "I think I've got it," she said. *** Sitting in the car on their way to the zoo, Allie couldn't help but feel torn about what was about to go down. She should feel happy, knowing that this tiger would be taken as far away from her as possible, and be given a new life, but at the same time she felt as though she were losing her only tie to the life, the person, she had been before the incident. Effie rolled down her window as she puffed smoke out into the air and coughed. "This feels surreal," Zoe said from the backseat, glancing at the cardboard version of Allie sitting beside her before adding, "I haven't seen that tiger since the night that happened. I never thought I'd see it again. I didn't even know you still had it." "I don't," Allie said, "technically, anyway. It's owned by this local zoo. I didn't know they may sell off their assets though. Guess that possibility simply never occurred to me. I wish I had the money to buy him back." "...if you wanted to buy him back, why'd you sell him in the first place?" Zoe asked. "I didn't," Allie said, her voice quieting, "it was a decision made for me while I was in the hospital." Effie pulled the car into a gas station, explaining she needed to fill up the tank, and Allie climbed out of the car, excusing herself to use the bathroom. Effie put her cigarette out and stuck it in her shirt pocket, as Zoe climbed out from the backseat and stretched beside her, watching Effie stick the gas nozzle into the car. Effie looked at Zoe and smiled. "Sorry we couldn't meet again under better circumstances," Effie said, making Zoe laugh. "Yeah...so, you've known Allie for a long time, right?" "Long as I've been working at the club, so a few years, yeah, why?" "...why did they sell the tiger?" Zoe asked, "I mean, how did they-" "The thing you have to understand is this. Allie, and by extension everything she uses in her act, is technically owned by the owner of the casino, Tony. Therefore he had legal right to sell anything he wanted, and he figured this would be the best thing to do, to further the gap between her, the tiger and the incident that happened on his property. So when Allie was in the hospital, he sold the tiger and only told her when she got back. She was in so much pain and so angry I think she was sort of grateful at the time, but after a while she seemed to grow sort of resentful." "I mean, the thing tried to kill her, I can't imagine she thinks there could actually be a relationship still to be had there, right? How do you come back from 'well, sure, they tried to kill me, but I've forgiven them for it'? If it were me, I doubt I could do it." "You've never had a fragile relationship with anyone?" Effie asked. "I...I mean, my parents, I guess, but..." "Listen, I'm going to tell you this because you seem like a really nice person, and you don't seem worn out yet, but just be very careful with whatever this partnership you've got with Allie is. She's cool, and I like her a lot. but I also recognize she's extremely self destructive, and I don't want to see someone as nice as you seem to be to get dragged into her bullshit. I know you respect her, I do too, but...she's volatile. She's unpredictable. I chock most of that up to the pills, the alcohol, and what's happened to her, but that doesn't excuse how she treats others." "...she's my friend," Zoe said, stammering, "I...I can't just...you know-" "No, I know, I get it, believe me, I do. When I first started doing comedy I befriended this older comedian I really looked up to, and she taught me a lot about comedy, and I was thrilled to pieces to be considered good enough for her to care about my career, thinking she saw something special in me. What she actually saw, though, was my naivety, and my willingness to do anything for someone I admired so greatly. Needless to say, she took extreme advantage of me, and was very predatory. I'm not saying Allie is that way, but..." Effie sighed and hung the nozzle back on the pump, pulling her wallet out and sliding her card through the slot to pay for the gas. "...hero worship is a bitch, that's all I'm trying to say. Just be careful," she finished as she walked back around to the drivers side of the car. Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Allie was standing in front of the mirror and wiping her face clean, looking at the long scar running down her face. This scar was the only thing - besides a pill addiction - the tiger would leave her with, and she hated that. It'd taken everything from her...her sobriety, her relationship, the full use of her wrist, and yet...yet she felt like she had a kindred spirit in this animal. She too was angry and violent and lashed out. But only because it'd made her that way, really, she knew. She hadn't been like that before hand. What would she do now, to confront her past and her pain? Allie bought a few beef sticks inside the gas station after leaving the bathroom, a bottled coffee and joined the girls back in the car. She handed out the beef sticks, each girl getting one, and then unscrewed the lid of her coffee, taking a long swig. Watching her from the backseat, Zoe tried to take heed of what Effie had told her, but she wanted to believe in Allie. She wanted to think the best of her. This was her mentor, her childhood icon, her hero. And yet Effie's words ran through her head again and again... "Hero worship's a bitch." *** Jenny knew they were coming. As soon as she'd gotten wind of the deal, she called the Casino and spoken to Effie when she couldn't reach Allie. She was now patiently waiting for them at the front gate, eating from a bag of chips and she thought about what kind of loss Allie had been through. A loss she herself could never imagine suffering, and not just of the tiger, but of everything. She knew Nick had dumped her, she knew she'd almost lost her hand, she knew she was damaged goods. She felt bad for Allie, but she made sure never to show it, she knew Allie hated people who took pity on her. Finally she rolled the top of the bag down and pinned it shut as the car approached the gates. Jenny came out of the small hut near the front, pulling her jacket on over her outfit. "Hey," she said, reaching the drivers side window, "um, you guys can park round back, they're back there in a cage. Just pull round the back and I can open the back gates." "Righty-o," Effie said, continuing to pull forward and head around the back. After Jenny let the girls in, the four of them walked towards the enclosure where the cage was, but nobody was saying a word. After a bit of walking, entering some out buildings, Jenny cleared her throat and pulled her long silk black hair into a ponytail. "Where's Nick?" she asked, making Allie scoff. "As if I'd tell him," she replied. "But...he was always the one who brought you out here," Jenny said. "Yeah, and then he dumped me. That's over. This is over. No need to bring them into contact with one another again. I need to move on," Allie grumbled, "lord know he already has. After tonight I'm hoping for some kind of closure, and maybe I can finally get on with my life too." Jenny nodded. This made sense. A warped sort of sense, but sense nonetheless. Behind them, Effie and Zoe were walking a bit aways, so as not to listen in on their conversation, despite driving here with Allie. Zoe pulled on the strings of her hoodie and sighed as Effie drank the rest of Allie's coffee and then tossed the bottle into a nearby recycling container. She burped and glanced over at Zoe, who smiled a bit from the burp. "'Scuse me," Effie whispered, half laughing herself. "...I want to help Allie get better," Zoe finally said. "A noble cause," Effie replied, "and I think very highly of you for attempting that, but I also think you need to understand how people need to take responsibility for themselves, and it isn't up to anyone else to 'fix' them. Certainly the support helps, nobody's ever going to argue that, but in the end it boils down to whether or not Allie wants Allie to get better. I like to think she does, but only time will tell." "You don't think I'm stupid for caring, do you?" "Not at all! I think it's very sweet, honestly," Effie said, "I just don't want to see you get hurt." Zoe blushed. She'd rarely had someone be so kind to her this way, and she liked it. She also acknowledged that Effie was, without a doubt, right. Much as she wanted to help Allie, it really boiled down to Allie wanting to help Allie. She could be there for her, sure, but there was only so much she could give to her without giving her everything. After a bit of walking, the girls stopped and noticed Allie was staring at a large cage, and inside was seated the most beautiful white tiger Zoe had ever seen. "You have maybe 15 minutes before they get picked up, so I'd make it brief," Jenny said, "I'm not even supposed to let people who don't work here back in here, but I made an exception for you, obviously." "I appreciate it," Allie said, smiling, patting Jenny's shoulder. "I'm gonna go for a smoke, you wanna join me?" Effie asked, and Jenny nodded, the two of them exiting, leaving Zoe and Allie alone with the tiger. Allie pulled together some full, sturdy cardboard boxes, and together they sat there, staring at the tiger in the cage. Allie sighed and unzipped her jacket, then reached inside her jacket pocket and pulled out a polaroid, handing it over to Zoe. "This is the day Tony and I went to get them," she said, "the day I actually become owner, or pseudo owner, of a white tiger. A white tiger who, very shortly afterwards, would attempt to rip my arm from my body, and nearly sever my hand in the process. I still can't feel much in that hand. I still am in tremendous pain and take too many pills for it, and for fun. Because why not, right? Why not." "But you aren't making inroads to get better?" "I am...I mean, I'm trying to. I threw out all my alcohol the other week," Allie said, "I know cold turkey isn't exactly the safest thing, but I would've kept over drinking if I'd even kept the smallest amount, and then just gone and bought more. I never drank before I was attacked. I never did anything before I was attacked. I wasn't straight edge, by any means, let people enjoy what they want so long as it isn't hurting them or hurting others, but...none of it ever interested me. Now I've been steeped in alcohol and pills for so long that I can't imagine how I was before it." "I don't do anything, do you think I'm boring because of it?" Zoe asked, and Allie smirked. "Of course not, but you're not me," Allie said. "Not yet I'm not, but I'd like to be a magician like you," Zoe replied. "Well, you can accomplish it without the tiger. That was the thing at the time, you have to understand. Vegas magic was showy, and glamorous. Not that it still isn't, but now it can be done without putting your actual life at risk. You don't have to fall back on cheap gimmicks to be a good magician, Zoe. You don't have to be a sellout like me." "You're not a sellout," Zoe said, sighing and then saying, "...when I was a little girl, my parents argued all the time. Magic was the only thing that helped me escape that. It was...it was really all I had. Then, when I was a sophomore in high school, I..." Allie got quiet as Zoe swallowed, audibly, and fought back tears, then continued. "...when I was a sophomore in high school, I had an accident," she said, her voice softening, "I was riding my bike home from a party, a party I'd only been invited to because this guy liked me and wanted me to do magic for him and his friends, and it was raining so it was kind of hard to see and I was hit by a car on my bike." "Jesus." "Nothing was broken," Zoe said, her lip quivering, "except maybe my pride, but...I had a concussion, and...I don't really know how to explain it but I've never really been quite the same. I'm overly empathetic now, and overly emotional, and I don't rationalize a lot, and I've acted on whims when I knew they were wrong. It's like it destroyed any kind of logic system my brain had before, or something. Now I'm scared of the world, and everything in it, except for magic. Except for you." Zoe looked up and to her side, at Allie, who was watching her closely. "...I know what you mean when you say you don't, you know, know how to get back to who you were before it. I know what that's like. I know how you feel. I'm just glad we don't have to feel that way alone anymore," Zoe whispered, and Allie reached out and held her hand, before glancing back at the cage. "I think the worst part is he can't apologize, because he doesn't know he did anything wrong," Allie said quietly, "Did your driver who hit you at least apologize?" "No," Zoe said, "they just kept on driving. Someone on the street saw me lying in the road and called an ambulance." "You were denied an apology and I simply cannot be given one," Allie said, "but maybe the blame is on us. On you for thinking people would be kind enough to apologize, to care, and me for assuming an animal could think it'd done wrong when all it knows is that it was essentially protecting itself. The world doesn't owe us apologies, even if that sounds like a baby boomer mentality, and it's up to us to find ways to move on, together or apart." Zoe rested her head on Allie's shoulder, and Allie ran her long fingers through Zoe's curly hair. "I like working through things together," Zoe whispered, and Allie nodded. The doors behind them opened and Effie came strolling back in, whistling at them. "Hey, Jenny sent me inside to tell you it's time to go," she said, "These guys are about here." Zoe stood up and followed Effie back outside, as Allie walked up to the cage and looked at the tiger. "I don't know where they're going to take you, but I hope it's better than what I managed to give you," she said, "I forgive you, Domino." Allie was trying to find her way back out, and eventually did, exiting through the back doors and spotting Effie and Zoe standing and chatting. She started to pass them, when she heard muttering from around a nearby corner, and she peeked around to see Jenny pacing back and forth on a phone, pulling at her hair. "She's leaving right now, I guess. I just sent her friend in to get her. She seems...calm, yeah," Jenny said, "I'm surprised she's taking it so well, but her new friend seems to be helping her a lot. I'll drive on by after I get off work, okay? No, Nick, it's fine, I understand. I don't blame you. I'll see you soon." Allie leaned against the wall and felt her blood begin to boil. She dug her hand into her coat pocket and pulled out the keys to the car, then took off running past Zoe and Effie, and sliding into the drivers side window, and quickly locking the door. Zoe rushed up to the car and started smacking her palm on the window, shouting. "Allie!" she yelled, "Allie what's going on?!" Allie didn't say a word. Instead she backed out quickly, and just as quickly started to speed away, only missing Zoe by an inch as Effie wrapped her arms around her waist and pulled Zoe out of the way. Zoe continued to shout at the car, but it was now nothing more than a speck on the horizon. Zoe didn't understand...what had she done wrong? Allie couldn't breath. She felt like the world was suffocating her, and she wanted to die. She looked in her rearview mirror, spotting the cardboard cutout of herself, and glared. She needed a drink. After a quick stop at a gas station, she came back out with a large bottle of gin and drove to a secluded area where she could look down at the city. She drank and drank and drank until her eyes blurred, and her teeth hurt. She pulled the cardboard cutout of herself from the car and laid it on the hood right next to her, then raised the bottle of gin up in the air. "The only person I can stand is myself," she said, "Here's to me, the undesirable mess." "Amen," the cutout replied, shocking her as she rolled off the car hood and looked at it from the ground. It was stationary, it couldn't move, but she swore it spoke. Allie pulled herself back up onto the hood and looked at it again. "...what did you say?" she asked. "You and I have a lot of catching up to do," it said, "Now finish that bottle and let's chat."
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Allie hadn't been invited to many birthday parties.
Even now, she was sure she was only invited because the mother of the child who's birthday it was forced her to invite her entire class, so as not to cause a ruckus amongst those who hadn't been invited and those who had. Sitting in the backseat of her parents car, the present they'd made her bring loosely held in her lap, Allie couldn't help but feel like she'd be just as out of place here as she was at school. "When can I come home?" she asked. "You know, other kids like playing with kids their age," her mother said, turning onto a suburban street and coming to a crawl, "don't you like being around your peers?" "Not really, they're not very nice," Allie said. She was 10. This was likely the last birthday party she'd be invited to, as once kids became teenagers, their parents were a lot more lenient in who they made come to their parties and who they didn't. She figured, if nothing else, this was her final chance to eat cake and come away with a favor bag full of candy and puzzles. As the car came to a complete stop and Allie got out, she could hear the sounds of the kids in the backyard, and her eyes scanned upwards over the fence, spotting the roof of a bouncy castle behind the house. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all, she thought. "I'll be back around 4 to pick you up, okay?" her mom asked, getting out and walking around the car to Allie, leaning down and kissing her forehead, "I love you, I just want you to try and get along with the other kids, that's all. Just try, okay?" "Okay," Allie mumbled, as her mom watched her walk up to the front door. Once the door opened and the birthday girls mother had ushered her into the house, Allie turned and watched her mother drive away through the window, before following the birthday girls mom into the kitchen. "You can put the gift on that table there," she said, pointing to a table absolutely overwhelmed with boxes covered in wrapping paper and bows, adding, "would you like something to drink?" "No thank you," Allie said. "We have fruit punch, we have soda, what do you want?" the mom asked, and Allie shrugged. "Do you just have lemonade?" she asked, and the mom nodded, pulling a pitcher from the fridge and pouring her a glass, which she kindly took after thanking her and headed into the backyard with. It was an absolute madhouse out here. Just as she'd expected it to be, really. Some kids were playing with water guns, other kids were in the bounce house, and some where playing fairly standard carnival games like beanbag toss. This kids mom had really gone all out, and it made Allie somewhat annoyed that she'd never done anything this spectacular for any of her own birthdays, but she also didn't have any real friends, so who knows how fun it'd have been with just her and her parents. She loved her parents, she loved spending time with them, but still. As she strolled across the lawn, sipping her lemonade from the paper cup covered in vaguely legal off model characters from a popular IP, she couldn't help but notice that she didn't see the birthday girl anywhere. Allie sat down on the swingset in the backyard, and soon heard the creak of the other swing beside her being sat on as well. She glanced over and saw a teenager, maybe seventeen, sitting there and eating a piece of cake. She was dressed nicely, with a top hat and a cape. "This is delicious, but I can't imagine it's a good idea to give this much sugar to children," the girl said, making Allie laugh. "Why are you in a costume?" Allie asked, pointing at her top hat. "I'm the magician," the girl said, "I'm The Marvelous Marcie. It's just something I do for fun and to earn some extra money. Do you like magic?" "Magic is cool, yeah," Allie replied. Marvelous Marcie set her now empty plate on the grass, reached into her pockets and pulled out a deck of cards. She then shuffled them, grinning at Allie - who appeared enraptured - the entire time, and then held them out to her. Allie picked a card, looked at it and then slid it back into the deck, which Marvelous Marcie shuffled once again. After she was finished, she picked a card and held it up. "Is this your card?" she asked, and Allie shook her head; Marvelous Marcie glanced at the card and sighed, "Drats," she said, "What about this one?" she asked, reaching forward and taking a card from inside Allie's shirt pocket. Allie's eyes widened at the trick, making Marvelous Marcie grin. "How did you..." Allie began. "Can't tell ya, kiddo," Marvelous Marcie said, tossing her bangs from her face, "but you can learn to do it too. It won't make you the coolest kid in school or anything, by any means, but it'll at least make you the most interesting person at a party, plus you'll likely get paid to do it a lot." As Marvelous Marcie grabbed her plate from the grass and stood up, she smiled at Allie and headed back inside the house, leaving Allie to wonder at the mysteries of magic, something that now, even as an adult, still marveled her. Most adults lose their sense of curiosity, but if Allie could be grateful for anything in her life, it was that she still was capable of enjoying things like simple card tricks. After she finished drinking her lemonade, the kids all gathered back inside to watch the birthday girl blow out her candles, open her presents, and then the lot of them headed into the living room to play board games. Allie, however, opted to instead spend this time sitting in the kitchen, watching as Marvelous Marcie helped the birthday girls mother clean things up. This was more welcoming to her, she felt. A mother and magic. The two things she loved most in life. *** "You need to get out of bed," Effie said, pulling the curtains back on the large window in Allie's penthouse bedroom, then turning to look at her; she put her hands on her hips and shook her head, "You look like hot garbage. Where's that kid you've got helping you?" "No idea...what...what time is it?" Allie asked, pushing her messy knotted hair from her face. "It is almost 3pm," Effie said. "How'd you even get in here?" "You gave me a key, remember?" Effie asked, walking to the closet and opening it, beginning to pull things out, "Christ, you really need help. I thought you were quitting drinking." "I am, I'm not drunk and I didn't drink at all last night," Allie said, "I'm just extremely tired. I haven't been sleeping well, I think it's these goddamned painkillers. Also it's weird not having someone in bed with me." "There's people you can hire to rectify that situation," Effie said, smirking, "This is Vegas, girl, get you some." Allie chuckled as she swung her legs over the side of the bed and sighed, rubbing her eyes with her palms as Effie continued to dig through her closet. "Anyway, you asked me to come get you if you ever slept past noon, so here I am. Sorry I couldn't be here sooner, I had a gig this afternoon. But you need to get dressed, something's come up. What the hell is this?" she asked, pulling out a cape from the closet and holding it up, forcing Allie to scramble across the room and take it from her. "Don't touch that!" she said, "That's very special!" "Sorry, geez," Effie said, backing away. Allie held the cape in her hands and ran its fabric against her face, her eyes shutting. She had forgotten it was in there. She thought she'd put it in the storage unit ages ago, but no, here it was, just as nice as it'd always been. Just seeing it brought back a wave of memories, and she smiled. This cape...this cape meant everything to her. *** "You don't wanna go play a game with the other kids?" Marvelous Marcie asked as she dried her hands on a small towel, looking at Allie sitting at the kitchen table. Allie shook her head and dug her hand back into the chip bowl. "I don't really like the other kids," Allie said, "I don't know, they think I'm weird." "But weird is cool, and eventually your peers will come around to realize that and regret not being your friend. Least that's what I have to tell myself, otherwise I was just a friendless loser," Marvelous Marcie said, making Allie laugh; she continued, "that's what's so great about magic. You hold all the cards, literally, as to their interest. You draw them in, you keep them there, you make them impressed and respect you. Life is all about misdirection, just like magic. You lie and you lie and you get people to believe those lies so they'll like you." "But lying is bad, isn't it?" Allie asked and Marvelous Marcie shrugged. "Sure, if it's about big things that hurt people, but not when it comes to being a person other people might be remotely interested in knowing, then it's fine," Marvelous Marcie said, unfastening the clip around her cape and pulling it off, looking at it, "everyone in the world creates a persona, someone they think will fit in better with society than who they actually are, because we're all too afraid to let others truly know us. That's all being a magician is. Putting on a face. Impressing others with the most minimal of abilities." "...can you do magic for a living?" Allie asked, "Like, as a real job?" "Sure, if you go somewhere like Vegas," Marvelous Marcie said, "But certainly not in a suburb. I'm only doing this to earn money for college. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like doing it, but it's...it's really not a viable way to make a living outside of being an over the top Vegas magician." Just then the birthday girls mother came back into the kitchen and looked at Marvelous Marcie. "You know," she said, "It's almost 3. Don't you have another show to get to?" she asked, and Marvelous Marcie checked her watch and gritted her teeth. "Shoot, you're right, thank you for telling me," she said, grabbing her car keys and heading out of the kitchen before turning back and putting the cape around Allie's neck, clasping it shut in front of her throat and patting her shoulders, smiling, saying, "take my cape, it just gets in the way, and remember...the best trick isn't fooling others, but fooling yourself." And with that, the Marvelous Marcie walked out of Allie's life. Allie would ask for a magic kit for her 11th birthday, and she'd get it. Marvelous Marcie had put a bug in her heart that she'd spend the rest of her life chasing, and eventually she'd succeed in ways Marvelous Marcie likely never would've expected. But that's what Allie was good at, really, if her relationship with her parents and Nick had taught her anything. Subverting expectations. *** "You ok, man?" Effie asked, sitting on the bed beside Allie, rubbing her back. "...I'm...I'm sorry, this just means a lot to me," Allie whispered, keeping the cape held close to her chest, "it was what made me want to do magic. It's very....it's very important." "I get it," Effie said, "but seriously, you need to get up. I found some clean clothes you can pick from." Effie stood up and gathered up the handful of clothes for Allie to wear, but as she turned back, she saw Allie was still sitting on the bed, looking at the cape in her lap, running her hands over it repeatedly. "Didn't you ever have, like, a person change the course of your life?" Allie asked, and Effie shrugged. "Sure, the first time I heard stand up I realize it was what I wanted to do," Effie said. "Exactly, so you get it," Allie said, "You get what it's like to have someone influence you in such a way that it completely alters the future that you'll have. That's what this cape represents to me. I wore it when my cousin and I originally performed together, but not since Tony found me. But I still keep it close, keep it around, so I'm reminded that there even when it feels like there's no magic in the world, you can make some yourself." "That's...really beautiful, honestly," Effie said, plopping the clothes down on the bed beside Allie and smiling, "I'm glad you have something that brings you such a level of comfort. Most I've got is my ex and a the first stand up Vinyl record I heard." Allie chuckled as she stood up and started to get dressed. "So why did you barge in here and wake me up to begin with? You say I have to go somewhere?" Allie asked as she pulled her blouse down over her head. "Uh, yeah," Effie said, leaning against the closet door, tapping her feet, "Actually, when they couldn't get a hold of you, the girl from the zoo called me instead. Um, we need to get out there as soon as possible, really, so if you could hurry up and get dressed that'd be great, because I don't know exactly how much time we have." "...what do you mean?" Allie asked, now eyeing Effie suspiciously. "...the tiger's been sold," Effie said. "...what?" Allie asked, feeling all the life leave her body, "my..they're selling my tiger? To who?!" "She didn't give me any other details other than the zoo is unloading a handful of animals to another person, and they're among one of them," Effie said, "Look, I don't know much, alright? So don't go hounding me for information, I only know what she told me." Allie finished getting dressed, then quickly called Nick and told him to meet her there. As the girls headed out of the penthouse and down the stairs, they ran into Zoe coming up. "Where are you going?" Zoe asked, "I was just coming upstairs to look for you." "I have an errand to run," Allie said, grabbing her arm and leading her back down the stairs with herself and Effie, adding, "and you're coming with me." *** "Did you know that some magicians work with big cats?" Allie asked her mom once, to which her mother barely acknowledged as she dug through the fridge for ingredients for dinner; Allie continued, "They use tigers and lions and all kinds of other animals but mostly big cats! Do you think I could ever work with a big cat?" "Anything's possible baby," her mother said. Allie looked at the booklet that came with her VHS tape and smiled, seeing a man and a woman - magician and assistant - working with a bengal tiger. "I'm gonna work with a big cat," Allie whispered. "Ma'am? I'm going to need you to stay with me, if you can, just for a moment," the man said as he loaded Allie into the back of the ambulance, "Ma'am? Can you hear me?"
Allie nodded, her eyes staring off into space, her lips moving to whisper, "...it hurts so much." "I know and we're going to get you to the hospital and get you fixed up pronto, I just need you to not lose consciousness yet before I give you this sedative," he said, popping a needle out of a hanging IV in the back of the ambulance and wiping the tip down with a swab, "Miss Meers? Can you do me a favor?" "What?" "I want you to count to five, okay? If you could just count to five, you'll be alright, and then you can pass out," the man said, "It's an old trick someone taught me in medical school. It's supposed to confuse your brain, redirect its efforts to something else so it doesn't focus primarily on the shock your body is going through. Can you do that for me?" Allie nodded, as he patted her shoulder and smiled. She started counting down backwards, her eyes getting heavier with every number as she felt the tip of the needle slip into her arm. "1...2...3...4...5..." *** Zoe was sitting in her bed at home, staring at the posters on her wall, most of assorted Vegas acts. All she'd ever wanted to do since she first saw Allie Meers was perform with her, and now she was being given her chance, and she was terrified to take it. Her bedroom opened and Thea stood there, looking at her sister as she sipped her coffee, leaning against the doorframe. "Why aren't you up?" she asked. "Nervous," Zoe said, her voice shaky, her fingers fidgeting, "just...unable to get up the guts to go in. Supposed to practice today for the boss, supposed to give, like, a performance, and I just...I worry I'm not going to be able to make Miss Meers confident in my abilities." "I'm sure it'll be fine, but you can't just stay in bed all day," Thea said, "Remember? That was part of the agreement. I'd let you stay here if you continued to try and get better. Now get up, put some pants on and I'll drive you, okay? We'll stop and get breakfast somewhere fast and easy." "...I could go for some greasy hashbrowns," Zoe said, smiling a little now as her sister nodded. "Atta girl," she replied. After Zoe had gotten dressed, she and Thea climbed into Thea's car and started heading towards Card Shark. They stopped by a burger place and got their breakfast platter, before parking in the Card Shark lot and eating breakfast. As Zoe sipped her soda and Thea bit into her tiny flapjacks, Zoe couldn't help but feel like her sister was really trying to help her, and she appreciated her so much for it. "...thanks," Zoe mumbled, "for, you know, caring about me." "You're a pain in my ass, but you're a pain in MY ass, so it's my duty to care about you," Thea said, chewing noisily and then taking a sip of coffee, before exhaling and adding, "but, we did have a deal, okay? Remember that. I need you to keep your end of the bargain up. You've been doing well, but I need you to really follow through, alright?" "I know, I'm sorry." "I know you get nervous, I get nervous too. I think we get it from dad," Thea said, "but I'm here, and it seems like this Allie Meers is trying to be your friend from what you've told me, and that sounds good. Just don't give up, okay?" "Okay," Zoe said, smiling as she climbed out of the car and said bye to her sister, heading into the casino. Once inside, she spotted Allie at a slot machine, playing mindlessly, pulling the crank every handful of seconds. Zoe stopped by her machine and sat down on a stool, watching her. She'd never really seen Allie just...relax. She'd seen her drunk, passed out, but actually genuinely relax? This was a first, and she was also finding herself hard pressed to consider this "relaxing". She sipped her soda, then handed it to Allie, who happily declined her offer and instead held up a martini glass on the top of the slot machine. "This early?" Zoe asked. "What else I have going for me?" Allie asked. "I thought you were trying to slow down." "I am, and this is slowing down. I could be four drinks in already. I'm just nursing this one," Allie said, "I'd say for a crippling alcoholic that that's pretty good." Zoe giggled as Allie pumped quarter after quarter into the slot machine. After a few minutes of people watching, Zoe turned back to Allie and slid her hand into her hoodie pocket, pulling another hashbrown out and biting into it, catching Allie's attention. "Did you just pull a fried potato out of your pocket?" she asked, "you're like a genie. I want one." "Heyo," a voice said, as a woman with short brown hair and wearing a suit leaned against the slot machine, "How much are you down this morning?" "No idea," Allie said, "I started with four cups worth of quarters and now I'm down to this one half, so...not good? What are you doing here? Didn't you have a morning show?" "Are you kidding? Nobody comes to see a comedian in the morning," the woman said, before grinning at Zoe and waving at her sweetly, "Hiya, I'm Effie Stonem. Who're you? Allie's sponsor?" she asked, nudging Allie in the ribs and winking, making Allie laugh mockingly. "I'm Zoe, I'm Allie's new partner," Zoe said, "I think I've seen you on TV." "Unlikely," Allie said, "You have to be talented to be on television." "Hey, come on, you know that's not true," Effie said, the three of them chuckling, "Yeah, you probably have seen me on television. I get some short gigs now and then on the comedy network. You got a partner? Like how your cousin used to be?" "Yes," Allie said, clamming up at the thought of that. Why did everyone in this casino know her personal business? Was she that much of a talkative drunk? She really needed to learn to keep her mouth shut from now on if she didn't want to be constantly reminded of things that hurt her so deeply so regularly. *** "Can you grip this?" Nick asked, as he helped Allie out of her wheelchair and in between the two bars on both sides of her. She locked her fingers of her working hand around one, but struggled to do so with the other, and winced, wanting to cry. "God, it hurts so much," she whispered, her eyes stinging with tears. "Okay, okay, it's alright," Nick said, as he helped her back to his couch in the apartment, adding as he stroked her hair, "Hey, it's alright, you'll make progress, okay? It's going to take some time, but you'll make progress, I promise." He leaned in, listening, as she mumbled under her breath. "What are you doing?" he asked, "Are you counting?" "When they came to get me off the stage," Allie said, "this guy in the ambulance, he told me to count to give, because it distracts your brain momentarily from the pain. It's been a pretty useful tactic during this session of physical therapy, let me assure you." "Huh, I think I remembering being taught that but I don't think I ever actually attempted it myself or offered it as a solution to anyone," Nick said, leaning back on the couch, "...it actually works?" "I mean, only momentarily, like I said," Allie replied, "but yeah, it does. It at least buys me a few minutes of peace if nothing else. Now I just use it for whenever I feel remotely scared or anxious or nervous. I just...shut my eyes and count to five." And she'd been doing it ever since. *** "Are you ready?" Allie asked, watching Zoe pace in her outfit in Allie's penthouse as they prepared to head down to the stage for their solo performance for Tony. Zoe, clearly, was not ready, and Allie could all but tell this from just a single glance. Zoe was wearing the old outfit Allie herself had once worn, but it wasn't doing much to calm her down. Allie sighed, finished lacing up her boot and walked to Zoe, putting her hands on her shoulders and making her face her. "Listen to me," Allie said, "Here's a little trick someone taught me in an ambulance once. I want you to count to five. Just take a deep breath and count to five. It will make your brain be distracted momentarily and clear your head so you can calm down, okay? It alleviates some of the fear. Can you do that for me, partner?" "O...okay," Zoe replied, shutting her eyes and, inhaling deeply, began counting out loud, "1...2...3...4...5..." After she finished, she opened her eyes and looked at Allie, still standing in front of her. "That didn't really work." "Well, maybe you have to be under extreme duress. To be fair, when he taught it to me, my wrist was barely attached to my arm, so," Allie said, thinking before snapping her fingers and pointing at Zoe, "I got it! I could break your arm!" "That...seems a bit unnecessary," Zoe replied, trying not to laugh. "Hey, I'm just trying to help," Allie said, shrugging, the both of them laughing now as Allie patted Zoe's back and said, "See? It did kind of help you distract yourself in a way, didn't it?" "It actually did, yes, thank you," Zoe said. "Well, partner, let's go get 'em," Allie said, opening the penthouse door leading to the hallway. *** Shortly after Nick left her, Allie found herself in the penthouse, alone. She was afraid to be alone. She was always afraid that something bad would happen to her whenever she had the time to be alone. Like perhaps she'd have a stroke, or a heart attack, or finally simply take one too many painkillers and did herself in before anyone could find and help her. Not that she'd want to be helped, to be fair...and it wasn't that she didn't like being alone. That was a whole other thing entirely. She was not one of those people who thinks other people need social contact, no, she thrived by herself. But she was afraid of it, at least, simply because she thought something may harm her if she were alone. So Allie paced, and she drank, and she paced and drank some more, and she got undressed to just her underwear and she played the baby grand piano in the penthouse sloppily, slurring her words to whatever Billy Joel sound she could conjure up from her mind. It wasn't until she found herself opening the window in the penthouse that gazed down at the busy Vegas streets below, and climbing onto the ledge that she realized just how sad she really was. She wanted to walk off. Not jump. No. That was too much of a spectacle and she didn't deserve that attention. No, she wanted to merely walk off. She wanted it all to be over. She wanted Nick back, and she knew that she had a pill problem, and a drinking problem, and that she was barely capable of containing them, and that she was on the verge of losing her lifelong dream, and that this might be one of the last nights she spends in this penthouse, a penthouse she's come to call home, even if it's never felt much like home. But instead, she climbed back through, closed the window, leaned against it... ...and she counted to five. *** Tony was impressed, he couldn't deny it. If Allie was still doing as poorly as she had been, it didn't come across in their performance for him. In fact, she seemed more with it and together than she had in ages, and he chocked that up to the mere fact that she had someone to prop up in the act with her. She'd always done better with her cousin, he'd known, so putting her with someone else was a no brainer. Afterwards, while Zoe and Allie drank small glasses of wine he offered them as he lit a cigar for himself, the girls couldn't feel more proud. Tony sat at his desk and smiled. "You guys were killer, and I think this is going to work out well," he said, "I'm glad to see you're getting along as well as you are." "Miss Meers is an excellent tutor," Zoe said. "I think with you two together, it will bring the quality of not just the act up obviously but also the audience. Magic's hurtin', it's hurtin' bad, as I'm sure you're aware. Vegas magic isn't competing as well as it used to, but I think you ladies are talented enough to stay afloat and-" The door opened and someone summoned Tony out of his office, saying he was needed for a moment. He groaned and stood up, exiting. "I'll be right back, pardon me ladies," he said, shutting the door behind him as he left. "...you know," Zoe said, her voice shaky, "I thought you were going to betray me. I thought you were going to be one of those stars who...who says 'you can be here but just stay out of my way', but you're actually not that way at all. You seem to want to help me have a career as much as I want to help be a part of yours. I'm so glad, because you...you were, like, such an inspiration to me as a kid." "God, don't say that, that makes me feel old, I'm not that much older than you," Allie said, laughing and rubbing her face with her hand, "but...you're welcome, Zoe. I remember what it was like, being that loser kid who was interested in magic, especially if you were a girl. That's bully city right there. We have to stick together, not just as women, but as magicians. If I can't count on you, who can I count on?" Allie meant this, she did, but she also knew it was somewhat of a lie. She knew Zoe would go to the ends of the earth for her. She knew Zoe would never leave her side. She knew Zoe was 100% dependent on her. She liked that power, and she liked knowing she could have Zoe help her with anything because of the power she wielded over her. Not that she'd want to go down that road, but hero worship is a disgusting thing, and an even easier thing to use to ones advantage. But, despite that, Allie was actually trying to be a better person. She wanted to get sober. She wanted to stop the pills. She wanted to clean up her act - figuratively and literally - and she wanted to help Zoe create her own. She did actually like the kid, after all. After the meeting, when Allie found herself alone again that night, she took all the alcohol in the penthouse minifridge and she poured it down the drain, except for a small bottle of expensive whiskey that Tony had given her as a gift for the holidays. Standing there, her hands gripping the counter as she watched it all disappear down the drain, she looked at the pills to her right and she shook her head. No. Not tonight. If Zoe was going to help her, she'd need to help Zoe, and that started with being remotely stable. So instead, Allie did the next best thing. She took a deep breath. 1...2...3...4...5... |
ABOUT
Allie Meers is what she dreamed of being since she was a little girl...a successful Vegas magician. The only problem now is she can't make all her problems disappear; Allie grapples with her strained relationship, crippling addictions and FBI agents on her tail, all while trying to stay at the top of her career. Archives
December 2023
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