"He's beautiful," Allie said, standing in front of the cage and smoking a cigar, "He's the most beautiful cat I've ever seen. I cannot believe this is actually happening. Like, I've dreamt of this my entire life, and now it's happening. It's so surreal."
Tony smiled and patted her back, chuckling as he puffed on his own cigar, saying, "This is the big time, kid. You've really made it. What are you gonna name it?" She hadn't really thought about this, actually. She'd never had a pet growing up, so she wasn't exactly a professional when it came to naming animals. Allie stood there, looking at this tiger, and thinking for quite some time before finally sighing and smiling. "I think I've got it," she said. *** Sitting in the car on their way to the zoo, Allie couldn't help but feel torn about what was about to go down. She should feel happy, knowing that this tiger would be taken as far away from her as possible, and be given a new life, but at the same time she felt as though she were losing her only tie to the life, the person, she had been before the incident. Effie rolled down her window as she puffed smoke out into the air and coughed. "This feels surreal," Zoe said from the backseat, glancing at the cardboard version of Allie sitting beside her before adding, "I haven't seen that tiger since the night that happened. I never thought I'd see it again. I didn't even know you still had it." "I don't," Allie said, "technically, anyway. It's owned by this local zoo. I didn't know they may sell off their assets though. Guess that possibility simply never occurred to me. I wish I had the money to buy him back." "...if you wanted to buy him back, why'd you sell him in the first place?" Zoe asked. "I didn't," Allie said, her voice quieting, "it was a decision made for me while I was in the hospital." Effie pulled the car into a gas station, explaining she needed to fill up the tank, and Allie climbed out of the car, excusing herself to use the bathroom. Effie put her cigarette out and stuck it in her shirt pocket, as Zoe climbed out from the backseat and stretched beside her, watching Effie stick the gas nozzle into the car. Effie looked at Zoe and smiled. "Sorry we couldn't meet again under better circumstances," Effie said, making Zoe laugh. "Yeah...so, you've known Allie for a long time, right?" "Long as I've been working at the club, so a few years, yeah, why?" "...why did they sell the tiger?" Zoe asked, "I mean, how did they-" "The thing you have to understand is this. Allie, and by extension everything she uses in her act, is technically owned by the owner of the casino, Tony. Therefore he had legal right to sell anything he wanted, and he figured this would be the best thing to do, to further the gap between her, the tiger and the incident that happened on his property. So when Allie was in the hospital, he sold the tiger and only told her when she got back. She was in so much pain and so angry I think she was sort of grateful at the time, but after a while she seemed to grow sort of resentful." "I mean, the thing tried to kill her, I can't imagine she thinks there could actually be a relationship still to be had there, right? How do you come back from 'well, sure, they tried to kill me, but I've forgiven them for it'? If it were me, I doubt I could do it." "You've never had a fragile relationship with anyone?" Effie asked. "I...I mean, my parents, I guess, but..." "Listen, I'm going to tell you this because you seem like a really nice person, and you don't seem worn out yet, but just be very careful with whatever this partnership you've got with Allie is. She's cool, and I like her a lot. but I also recognize she's extremely self destructive, and I don't want to see someone as nice as you seem to be to get dragged into her bullshit. I know you respect her, I do too, but...she's volatile. She's unpredictable. I chock most of that up to the pills, the alcohol, and what's happened to her, but that doesn't excuse how she treats others." "...she's my friend," Zoe said, stammering, "I...I can't just...you know-" "No, I know, I get it, believe me, I do. When I first started doing comedy I befriended this older comedian I really looked up to, and she taught me a lot about comedy, and I was thrilled to pieces to be considered good enough for her to care about my career, thinking she saw something special in me. What she actually saw, though, was my naivety, and my willingness to do anything for someone I admired so greatly. Needless to say, she took extreme advantage of me, and was very predatory. I'm not saying Allie is that way, but..." Effie sighed and hung the nozzle back on the pump, pulling her wallet out and sliding her card through the slot to pay for the gas. "...hero worship is a bitch, that's all I'm trying to say. Just be careful," she finished as she walked back around to the drivers side of the car. Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Allie was standing in front of the mirror and wiping her face clean, looking at the long scar running down her face. This scar was the only thing - besides a pill addiction - the tiger would leave her with, and she hated that. It'd taken everything from her...her sobriety, her relationship, the full use of her wrist, and yet...yet she felt like she had a kindred spirit in this animal. She too was angry and violent and lashed out. But only because it'd made her that way, really, she knew. She hadn't been like that before hand. What would she do now, to confront her past and her pain? Allie bought a few beef sticks inside the gas station after leaving the bathroom, a bottled coffee and joined the girls back in the car. She handed out the beef sticks, each girl getting one, and then unscrewed the lid of her coffee, taking a long swig. Watching her from the backseat, Zoe tried to take heed of what Effie had told her, but she wanted to believe in Allie. She wanted to think the best of her. This was her mentor, her childhood icon, her hero. And yet Effie's words ran through her head again and again... "Hero worship's a bitch." *** Jenny knew they were coming. As soon as she'd gotten wind of the deal, she called the Casino and spoken to Effie when she couldn't reach Allie. She was now patiently waiting for them at the front gate, eating from a bag of chips and she thought about what kind of loss Allie had been through. A loss she herself could never imagine suffering, and not just of the tiger, but of everything. She knew Nick had dumped her, she knew she'd almost lost her hand, she knew she was damaged goods. She felt bad for Allie, but she made sure never to show it, she knew Allie hated people who took pity on her. Finally she rolled the top of the bag down and pinned it shut as the car approached the gates. Jenny came out of the small hut near the front, pulling her jacket on over her outfit. "Hey," she said, reaching the drivers side window, "um, you guys can park round back, they're back there in a cage. Just pull round the back and I can open the back gates." "Righty-o," Effie said, continuing to pull forward and head around the back. After Jenny let the girls in, the four of them walked towards the enclosure where the cage was, but nobody was saying a word. After a bit of walking, entering some out buildings, Jenny cleared her throat and pulled her long silk black hair into a ponytail. "Where's Nick?" she asked, making Allie scoff. "As if I'd tell him," she replied. "But...he was always the one who brought you out here," Jenny said. "Yeah, and then he dumped me. That's over. This is over. No need to bring them into contact with one another again. I need to move on," Allie grumbled, "lord know he already has. After tonight I'm hoping for some kind of closure, and maybe I can finally get on with my life too." Jenny nodded. This made sense. A warped sort of sense, but sense nonetheless. Behind them, Effie and Zoe were walking a bit aways, so as not to listen in on their conversation, despite driving here with Allie. Zoe pulled on the strings of her hoodie and sighed as Effie drank the rest of Allie's coffee and then tossed the bottle into a nearby recycling container. She burped and glanced over at Zoe, who smiled a bit from the burp. "'Scuse me," Effie whispered, half laughing herself. "...I want to help Allie get better," Zoe finally said. "A noble cause," Effie replied, "and I think very highly of you for attempting that, but I also think you need to understand how people need to take responsibility for themselves, and it isn't up to anyone else to 'fix' them. Certainly the support helps, nobody's ever going to argue that, but in the end it boils down to whether or not Allie wants Allie to get better. I like to think she does, but only time will tell." "You don't think I'm stupid for caring, do you?" "Not at all! I think it's very sweet, honestly," Effie said, "I just don't want to see you get hurt." Zoe blushed. She'd rarely had someone be so kind to her this way, and she liked it. She also acknowledged that Effie was, without a doubt, right. Much as she wanted to help Allie, it really boiled down to Allie wanting to help Allie. She could be there for her, sure, but there was only so much she could give to her without giving her everything. After a bit of walking, the girls stopped and noticed Allie was staring at a large cage, and inside was seated the most beautiful white tiger Zoe had ever seen. "You have maybe 15 minutes before they get picked up, so I'd make it brief," Jenny said, "I'm not even supposed to let people who don't work here back in here, but I made an exception for you, obviously." "I appreciate it," Allie said, smiling, patting Jenny's shoulder. "I'm gonna go for a smoke, you wanna join me?" Effie asked, and Jenny nodded, the two of them exiting, leaving Zoe and Allie alone with the tiger. Allie pulled together some full, sturdy cardboard boxes, and together they sat there, staring at the tiger in the cage. Allie sighed and unzipped her jacket, then reached inside her jacket pocket and pulled out a polaroid, handing it over to Zoe. "This is the day Tony and I went to get them," she said, "the day I actually become owner, or pseudo owner, of a white tiger. A white tiger who, very shortly afterwards, would attempt to rip my arm from my body, and nearly sever my hand in the process. I still can't feel much in that hand. I still am in tremendous pain and take too many pills for it, and for fun. Because why not, right? Why not." "But you aren't making inroads to get better?" "I am...I mean, I'm trying to. I threw out all my alcohol the other week," Allie said, "I know cold turkey isn't exactly the safest thing, but I would've kept over drinking if I'd even kept the smallest amount, and then just gone and bought more. I never drank before I was attacked. I never did anything before I was attacked. I wasn't straight edge, by any means, let people enjoy what they want so long as it isn't hurting them or hurting others, but...none of it ever interested me. Now I've been steeped in alcohol and pills for so long that I can't imagine how I was before it." "I don't do anything, do you think I'm boring because of it?" Zoe asked, and Allie smirked. "Of course not, but you're not me," Allie said. "Not yet I'm not, but I'd like to be a magician like you," Zoe replied. "Well, you can accomplish it without the tiger. That was the thing at the time, you have to understand. Vegas magic was showy, and glamorous. Not that it still isn't, but now it can be done without putting your actual life at risk. You don't have to fall back on cheap gimmicks to be a good magician, Zoe. You don't have to be a sellout like me." "You're not a sellout," Zoe said, sighing and then saying, "...when I was a little girl, my parents argued all the time. Magic was the only thing that helped me escape that. It was...it was really all I had. Then, when I was a sophomore in high school, I..." Allie got quiet as Zoe swallowed, audibly, and fought back tears, then continued. "...when I was a sophomore in high school, I had an accident," she said, her voice softening, "I was riding my bike home from a party, a party I'd only been invited to because this guy liked me and wanted me to do magic for him and his friends, and it was raining so it was kind of hard to see and I was hit by a car on my bike." "Jesus." "Nothing was broken," Zoe said, her lip quivering, "except maybe my pride, but...I had a concussion, and...I don't really know how to explain it but I've never really been quite the same. I'm overly empathetic now, and overly emotional, and I don't rationalize a lot, and I've acted on whims when I knew they were wrong. It's like it destroyed any kind of logic system my brain had before, or something. Now I'm scared of the world, and everything in it, except for magic. Except for you." Zoe looked up and to her side, at Allie, who was watching her closely. "...I know what you mean when you say you don't, you know, know how to get back to who you were before it. I know what that's like. I know how you feel. I'm just glad we don't have to feel that way alone anymore," Zoe whispered, and Allie reached out and held her hand, before glancing back at the cage. "I think the worst part is he can't apologize, because he doesn't know he did anything wrong," Allie said quietly, "Did your driver who hit you at least apologize?" "No," Zoe said, "they just kept on driving. Someone on the street saw me lying in the road and called an ambulance." "You were denied an apology and I simply cannot be given one," Allie said, "but maybe the blame is on us. On you for thinking people would be kind enough to apologize, to care, and me for assuming an animal could think it'd done wrong when all it knows is that it was essentially protecting itself. The world doesn't owe us apologies, even if that sounds like a baby boomer mentality, and it's up to us to find ways to move on, together or apart." Zoe rested her head on Allie's shoulder, and Allie ran her long fingers through Zoe's curly hair. "I like working through things together," Zoe whispered, and Allie nodded. The doors behind them opened and Effie came strolling back in, whistling at them. "Hey, Jenny sent me inside to tell you it's time to go," she said, "These guys are about here." Zoe stood up and followed Effie back outside, as Allie walked up to the cage and looked at the tiger. "I don't know where they're going to take you, but I hope it's better than what I managed to give you," she said, "I forgive you, Domino." Allie was trying to find her way back out, and eventually did, exiting through the back doors and spotting Effie and Zoe standing and chatting. She started to pass them, when she heard muttering from around a nearby corner, and she peeked around to see Jenny pacing back and forth on a phone, pulling at her hair. "She's leaving right now, I guess. I just sent her friend in to get her. She seems...calm, yeah," Jenny said, "I'm surprised she's taking it so well, but her new friend seems to be helping her a lot. I'll drive on by after I get off work, okay? No, Nick, it's fine, I understand. I don't blame you. I'll see you soon." Allie leaned against the wall and felt her blood begin to boil. She dug her hand into her coat pocket and pulled out the keys to the car, then took off running past Zoe and Effie, and sliding into the drivers side window, and quickly locking the door. Zoe rushed up to the car and started smacking her palm on the window, shouting. "Allie!" she yelled, "Allie what's going on?!" Allie didn't say a word. Instead she backed out quickly, and just as quickly started to speed away, only missing Zoe by an inch as Effie wrapped her arms around her waist and pulled Zoe out of the way. Zoe continued to shout at the car, but it was now nothing more than a speck on the horizon. Zoe didn't understand...what had she done wrong? Allie couldn't breath. She felt like the world was suffocating her, and she wanted to die. She looked in her rearview mirror, spotting the cardboard cutout of herself, and glared. She needed a drink. After a quick stop at a gas station, she came back out with a large bottle of gin and drove to a secluded area where she could look down at the city. She drank and drank and drank until her eyes blurred, and her teeth hurt. She pulled the cardboard cutout of herself from the car and laid it on the hood right next to her, then raised the bottle of gin up in the air. "The only person I can stand is myself," she said, "Here's to me, the undesirable mess." "Amen," the cutout replied, shocking her as she rolled off the car hood and looked at it from the ground. It was stationary, it couldn't move, but she swore it spoke. Allie pulled herself back up onto the hood and looked at it again. "...what did you say?" she asked. "You and I have a lot of catching up to do," it said, "Now finish that bottle and let's chat."
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ABOUT
Allie Meers is what she dreamed of being since she was a little girl...a successful Vegas magician. The only problem now is she can't make all her problems disappear; Allie grapples with her strained relationship, crippling addictions and FBI agents on her tail, all while trying to stay at the top of her career. Archives
December 2023
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