"Allie?" a voice asked, and then it repeated, "Allie? Yoo-hoo?"
Allie finally snapped out of it and looked up, remembering she was in AA. She sighed, scratched the back of her head and nodded. "Sorry," she mumbled, "Uh, I've found it really hard to concentrate lately." "That's okay," the man running the group, Michael, said with a smile, "Anything you'd like to share with us?" "Uh...just that, it's been a few weeks now since I've stopped drinking, or taking anything, and I've been sleeping like shit and I haven't had much of an appetite, and I keep wondering if maybe my body was so used to what I was doing to it than it won't know how to survive without that input. Certainly I know that I theoretically am doing better, but...um...mentally, I just feel like I'm not there at all anymore, if that makes sense? My whole identity became so entangled with the substance abuses that I almost don't remember how to be the person I was without them." Michael nodded, jotted something down and then looked back at her, indicating she could continue. Allie took a deep breath and looked around the room, at the others watching her, as she went on. "I'm mostly doing this for a friend," she said, "...my only real friend, I guess, because I need to be sober in order to help her. Because she's the only one who really proves that she believes in me. I'm sick of letting down the people who say they believe in me." "What do you do when you can't sleep?" a young woman sitting to the right asked, and Allie exhaled. "Uh...watch TV or read or just try and pass the time any way that I can, really," Allie replied, "You know, it's weird, you don't realize how much it not only becomes a necessity but a hobby, or vice versa, until you've stopped. Only then do you kind of look back and recognize just how much time was spent on your substance abuse. Which makes sense, if it's all that kept you going, but then if it's all that kept you going...what do you do with yourself when it's gone? I guess that's, like, where I'm struggling the most." Allie slumped back in her seat and let someone else speak, as she dug her nails into the knees of her jeans and chewed her bottom lip. A few weeks now without a sip of alcohol or any pills....god, it felt like a lifetime ago, and even though she knew it was better for her, she didn't know what to do with all her spare time other than focus on her magic, so that's what she decided to do. *** "Well, I'm proud of you," Effie said, holding up a glass at the bar and clinking it against Allie's. "Thank you," Allie said, before taking a sip of her soda, "yeah, it's been....an adjustment, that's for sure." "But a welcome one, I would assume?" "I guess, sure," Allie said, shrugging and glancing around, "I don't know, man, it's weird. Everything is weird. When you're sober you have to, like, actually see the world around you, and wonder how your life got to be this way. When you're fucked up all the time, it doesn't matter. The ordinary now has become the abnormal." "Well," Effie said, lighting a cigar, "With any luck, your life could benefit from having less actual abnormality. You owned a tiger, for fucks sake, dude. I think you can manage being kinda boring for once." Allie genuinely laughed at this, and appreciated having a stand up comedian being a close friend. They heard a chair scrape the floor beside Allie's stool, and saw Zoe seat herself. "Hey kid, where you been?" Allie asked. "I have been getting props for our upcoming show," Zoe said, "It's...uh, well, it's going to be good, is all I can say. I actually feel somewhat confident now that we've had a few smaller performances under our belt. You're lucky Tony pays for everything though, cause this stuff is expensive." The bartender came and set yet another soda down in front of Zoe, which she happily thanked them for and started to sip. After a moment, she pushed her glasses up her face and sighed. "It's weird, feeling, like, serene for a change," Zoe said, "For the first time in months I feel like nothing is going wrong. You almost get used to waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know?" "Absolutely, that's what being raised catholic is all about," Effie said, "like, something good happened so something bad is on the way. Everything's got a guilty price tag attached to it. Nothing can ever just be nice and happy. You always have to suffer for something you got that you wanted." Allie laughed again and turned around in her stool while they talked, only to see Sunny standing by the slots a few feet away. Her drink caught in her throat, she almost choked, then managed to swallow before slipping away from the girls and heading over to him. "What are you doing here?" she asked, as she approached. "Hey!" Sunny said, "Nothing, just hanging out. I live in Vegas, I think I'm allowed to visit a casino. It's kind of the selling points." "Alright, fair enough," Allie said, "but you could visit any casino and you just happened to choose the one I work in? That I live in?" "You live here?" "You didn't know that?" "No, I didn't know one could live in a casino," Sunny said, running a hand through his long blonde hair as the showgirl beside him hit a small jackpot and continued pumping coins into the machine; he added, "That's pretty cool actually." "I have your money," Allie said, "If you're here to square up." "Sure," Sunny replied, "Let's go." Allie glanced around, making sure nobody was watching, and then the two of them headed up the stairs. As they walked, Sunny chuckled, making Allie nervous. "What?" she asked. "You're choosing the stairs?" "Elevators have cameras. Nobody knows you're here, right?" "I'd be a pretty lousy drug dealer if everyone knew my whereabouts, sweetheart," Sunny said, making Allie snicker, as he added, "but you know the floor of the casino has cameras too, and they likely captured us together." "Yeah but those get wiped every night," Allie said, "so it's okay." "Huh, didn't know that." "Saves on memory," Allie said, "That way they don't have to continue to pay for more storage, especially when nothing of interest is happening and thus why should they save the footage." Allie and Sunny had known one another for a long enough time now that they could easily have a conversation like friends, and not just dealer and client. This helped them feel more comfortable, trust worthy around one another, and eased the tension of their business together. Sunny was better than the other drug dealers she'd met in her time in Vegas, mostly because he wasn't total scum. He was somewhat sleazy, something even he'd admit to, but he wasn't an outright creep. He didn't hit on Allie, he didn't try and get her interested in other stock, he merely sold her what she asked for and appreciated her business. It'll be weird, Allie thought as she walked up the stairs heading to her suite, after I give him his money, he'll be out of my life forever. *** Allie had met Sunny a bit after the hospital had cut off her prescription to painkillers. She'd heard through the grapevine in the casino, from other workers who used him, that he was the best there was, precisely because he wasn't an outright weirdo. He was just a normal, sometimes scuzzy dude, who happened to sell the things they needed. So Allie got his number, and he and Allie met up at a small italian bistro downtown. When she first saw him, she was surprised by his lack of professionalism. There he was, sitting at the table, in one of his patented hawaiian shirts and his zip off shorts, his long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, drinking a beer. "Hi," Allie said, as she approached the table, "I'm Allie. I called you about-" "I know what you called me about, no need repeating it where others can hear," Sunny replied, "Please, sit down." "I'm...I'm nervous, I've never done anything like this before, and if the hospital hadn't cut me off, I likely wouldn't be." "Why'd they cut you off?" Sunny asked, nursing his beer. "Uh, they just don't think I need it anymore, and I may have been somewhat abusing it, but...I do still need it. I'm...I'm in tremendous pain daily." "From what?" "I was attacked by my tiger in my stage show," Allie said, "I'm a magician at a casino, The Card Shark, and this whole thing went really wrong, and...anyway, I'm in screaming agony constantly and the only thing that really seems to help is heavy duty painkillers." Sunny smiled and reached down to his backpack on the floor. "You know, that's pretty cool that you work with big animals." "Not anymore." Sunny laughed, and Allie smiled. "I don't blame you," he replied, "After an incident like that, fuck that noise, am I right? Well, I can provide you with basically whatever you want. I recommend you start with what you were taking though, if that's what worked best for you." "Do you...have like, medical training or something?" "Yeah, I was going to school to be a doctor," Sunny said, "That's why I know all this stuff, and it's why I have connections, because most of my friends wound up being doctors, so we scratch one anothers backs, you know?" Allie nodded as Sunny pulled out a pad of paper and a pen. "So, let's talk about what you were on," he said. Sunny was, to Allie's surprise, extremely professional, and they would go on to have a long and fruitful partnership together. Sunny never tried to get her on anything else, he never tried to push anything harder on her, and he never threatened to cut her off if she was a little behind on paying him, as she had been as of late. But he was still a drug dealer. And that was something Allie couldn't believe she'd ever gotten involved with, and couldn't believe she would finally be free of. *** "Shit, dude, nice digs," Sunny said as he entered the suite, "You live like a goddamn queen." "I am a goddamn queen," Allie said, making him smirk as she walked to the bookshelf, pulled off a fake book and opened it, taking out a wad of cash and unfurling it, counting out the exact amount he was owed. Sunny wandered around the room as she did this, taking in all her memorabilia, all her old show posters and photos. "You know, I'm gonna miss you," Sunny said, "I really am. You were certainly my coolest client." "That's sweet, Sunny, thanks," Allie said, smiling a little as she licked her finger and continued flicking through bills. After a few minutes, she finally finished counting, wrapped a rubber band around the wad and handed it to Sunny, who took it and shoved it into his pocket. "Not even gonna count it?" she asked. "Naw, I trust you," he said, "...I guess this is goodbye, unless you just want to hang out sometime." "Maybe, maybe sometime when I'm, like, really sober and won't backslide," Allie said, "Sorry to put you out of a client." "Eh, lots of people who need my services," Sunny said, shrugging, "Like that new partner of yours, who knows, she might want something sometime." Allie stopped in her tracks. "No, I told you, she doesn't...you need to stay away from her, she doesn't need anything." "She can say no. She has the option." "She doesn't need the option," Allie said, starting to get angry, adding, "There's plenty of people in this casino alone, you can't just, you know, peddle to them? You have to go after the one person I'm regularly associated with now?" "Why not? Look dude, I'm a businessman, alright? I have to keep my numbers up. I lost a customer, now I need to gain a customer. That's just basic economics. Need to replace that loss with growth," Sunny said, "It isn't personal, Al, it's...you know, it's just business." Allie couldn't believe this. She had squared up with him. She and Sunny had had such a professional relationship, and now this? Where was this coming from? She'd told him specifically to stay away from Zoe, and now here he was, with Allie's last pay installment and stating he was going to ask Zoe anyway? What the fuck. "I need you to promise me you aren't going to approach her," Allie said, walking in front of Sunny and standing in front of the door, "Before I let you leave, I need you to promise me that." "Jesus, why is that so important to you? She's just some kid, Al, she's gonna leave you anyway. She probably doesn't wanna play second fiddle to someone else forever. She doesn't want to live in your shadow. Would you?" "I....I don't...that doesn't matter, this isn't about losing her as a partner, this is about doing the right thing, and that is that she doesn't need anything you're selling." "Allie, get out of my way," Sunny said, sounding stern, his brow furrowing. "Not until you promise me-" "I'm not promising shit!" Sunny grabbed her shoulders and pushed her aside. Allie stumbled and grabbed onto the wall, then grabbed a trophy from the shelf and slammed it against his back. Sunny cried out in pain, then turned to face her. As he approached, she stumbled and fell onto her back as he stepped forward, getting ever closer. Allie kicked him in the shin, forcing Sunny to slide forward in pain, then lose his footing and fall forward, his neck hitting the side of the coffee table and his lifeless body rolling to the floor. Allie sat there for a few moments, in absolute stunned silence. "Sun...Sunny?" she asked, crawling toward him, seeing the blood leak from his head onto the floor, beginning to pool; her lip quivered as her breath caught in her chest, "oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck shit." The door opened and Zoe was standing there, looking down at this sight. "...what the fuck?" she whispered. "It was an accident, he...he came at me, and he was...he was going to get you hooked on something, he...he threatened to get you addicted to something, I had to stop him," Allie said, her words falling out of her mouth at a mile a minute, her pulse pounding as she said, "I...I did it for you. I just...I wanted to protect you, and he-" Zoe walked around the body and helped Allie up, hugging her. "Are you okay?" she asked. "Y...yeah, I'm fine," Allie muttered, "I'm okay." Zoe and Allie broke from the hug and looked down at Sunny's body, both unsure what to do or say. After what felt like an eternity, Zoe cleared her throat. "We have to hide him," she said. *** "They say police are in the most dangerous profession, the ones who are most often killed in the line of duty, but honestly that's my field," Sunny said that day at their first meeting, after he and Allie had sorted out their arrangement and ordered lunch; he added, "Do you know how many drug dealers are killed by their own clients?" "A lot, huh?" "It's unreal. That's why we have to be so careful," he continued, "but you don't seem like a threat, so I don't think I have much to worry about in regards to you." "You better watch out, I'm a magician," Allie said, wiggling her fingers, "I can make you...disappear." They both burst out laughing. Little did they know how true that'd wind up being.
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ABOUT
Allie Meers is what she dreamed of being since she was a little girl...a successful Vegas magician. The only problem now is she can't make all her problems disappear; Allie grapples with her strained relationship, crippling addictions and FBI agents on her tail, all while trying to stay at the top of her career. Archives
December 2023
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