"I have to be hallucinating," Allie mumbled as she tried to stand back up, one hand on the hood of the car, the other hand on her forehead, massaging it, as if that'd somehow make the cardboard cutout of herself stop speaking to her.
"Well no shit you're hallucinating, dumbass," Cardboard said, "because your life is in shambles and you took a dangerous combination of pills and alcohol. Now stand me upright so we can have a proper conversation." Allie stumbled over, grabbed the cutout and shoved it back into the passenger seat of the car before going back around and climbing into the drivers seat, starting the car back up. "This is going to be a long night," Allie muttered, as Cardboard scoffed. "Please, at least you have autonomy," they replied. Allie backed the car up and headed down the road that led them up here. As she turned the radio dial, searching for something - anything - to listen to, Cardboard sighed. "So you're just gonna ignore me? Seems to be your MO, after all, ignore anything in your life that you might possibly be at fault for," Cardboard said. "At fault for? How am I at fault for you?" Allie asked, sounding annoyed. "Okay, well, sure, you didn't create me, I was made in a processing plant somewhere in the city, but still. You gave yourself this victim complex." "Victim complex?" "Yeah, you heard me, victim complex. You think you're a victim, but the only thing you're a victim of is your own poor choices! And everything bad that's come as a result, are also directly because of your own poor choices! You have a disease, an addiction, and it's somewhat understandable, considering what happened to you, but it's still something you've never really sought actual help for once it overtook your life." "That...that isn't true, see, I have Zoe now, and-" "She's half your age and it isn't her responsibility to clean up your act!" Cardboard shouted, making Allie swerve momentarily. "You yell at me again and I'll set you on fire," Allie said coldly, and Cardboard laughed. "Yeah, right. Like you could ever destroy a piece of yourself. You're such a narcissist," Cardboard remarked, "I mean, you can tell the true narcissists by the fact that they're the kids who thought they'd be famous as adults and actually followed through with it, no matter what it cost them. You didn't do what you did for the magic, you did it for the fame, because mommy and daddy didn't love you enough." "That isn't true!" Allie shouted, changing lanes suddenly to keep driving without stopping at a red light, "They loved me a lot! And I did do it for the magic! I love magic!" "Sure, maybe at first, but now you're just desperate to get back to that good spot you were once in instead of accepting that that time is over and now is the time to build something new, something maybe even better," Cardboard said, "but nooo, you're too hung up on the past. Hung up on Nick." "Nick loved me..." "And look what he did. He left." "He left because...because of me..." Allie said, realizing what Cardboard was saying was true. She pulled over the an empty parking lot and turned the car off, glancing over at Cardboard and, biting her lip, asked, "I know that I'm why Nick left. It isn't even something I tried to blame on anyone else. I know my behavior, my refusal to change it, is why he's gone, and I...I don't even really blame him. I wouldn't stick around for me either." Cardboard looked at Allie as she wiped her eyes on her arm and tried, poorly, to hold back tears. Allie felt terrible, she wanted to go to Nick, to tell him how very sorry she was for everything, for putting him through all she put him through all because she couldn't stop abusing medication and alcohol, but... "...I can't even tell him he didn't deserve it, and that I'm sorry, because I've done that. I made promises I quickly broke time and time again, it's nothing he hasn't already heard. No apology I will ever make will sound sincere and genuine, because I've...I'm a liar." "You're not a liar. You're sick," Cardboard said, "but you can get better, and you have people around you who want you to, who want to be your friends. But people will only put up with you for so long before they realize you have no intention to follow through on getting better. Then they begin to distance themselves, not because they don't care for you, but because they care for you so much that it hurts to see you do this, and they can't stand to be there when it goes south." Allie leaned back in her seat and sighed, running her hands over her face and into her hair. She chewed on her lip, her eyes still wet with pools of tears. "...everyone leaves though," Allie whispered, "first Megan left the act, then Domino hurt me and had to be taken away, and now Nick...you're not right though, about mom and dad, I mean. They loved me. But I do admit I think they're annoyed I'm not doing something to better the world. They don't view entertainment as a necessity. Great works of art? Sure. That they're fully behind. The american novel, the classic paintings, the life changing songwriters. But just entertainment for the sake of entertainment? Things like board games, and sitcoms and...magic...things that don't need to exist and that the world would be no different without...yeah, they don't view that as a necessity, and it kind of hurts." "But you're successful beyond your wildest dreams? Doesn't that sort of prove them wrong?" "Of course not. To them, people will pay for anything. My success only further strengthens their beliefs in the idea that mindless entertainment is an opiate for the masses who aren't smart enough to take in real art, and instead get wowed by some goofball in a top hat do simple card tricks," Allie said. Cardboard sighed as Allie tilted her seat back, opened the sunroof, and then tilted Cardboard's seat back as well, so they could both look up to the stars again. "But you're proud of yourself, aren't you?" Cardboard asked. "Shit yeah I am," Allie responded, "Are you kidding me? I set a goal when I was a child and I reached it. How many people can say that?" "And yet your folks disapproval hurts?" "Of course it does. I mean, I've shrugged it off mostly at this point, but it still stings a bit," Allie said, "...but Zoe...she seems to be the kind of person whose life I really touched without even trying. She was there, as a kid, and saw the attack. I feel terrible that a child witnessed that, and even worse that it set her down a path to doing what I do, but...I've seen her do magic, she's very talented, and if she could get over her stage fright, she'd be a spectacular magician. But am I simply using her as a way to escape my issues?" "If you are, is that so bad?" Cardboard asked, and Allie shrugged as she uncapped her flask and drank more. "I don't know. I don't want her to feel like I'm using her, because I'm not. I see her for what she could be," Allie said, "I want to help her reach her potential, because I can see what she has, what she's capable of, and...and I want to really be her friend." A long pause filled the car, as the sound of nearby cars flooded in through the open sunroof. Allie rubbed her eyes on her palms and lit a cigarette, taking a few puffs before blowing the smoke out the sunroof. "...what can I do to show her that I'm ready to be better? That I'm...that I'm willing to work with her? She's my friend, she's my business partner, what can I do?" Allie asked, noticing the silence when Cardboard didn't respond. She rolled her head and glanced at the cutout, to see it had stopped talking, stopped moving whatsoever, and she realized whatever trip she was on... ...it was over now. *** Zoe was seated on her bed when the door opened and her sister, Thea, was standing there. Zoe looked up, her bushy hair pulled back in a ponytail - or the best ind of ponytail she could manage given her hair type - as her scrapbooking effort was interrupted. "What's up?" Zoe asked. "Someone is here to see you," Thea said, "They're outside in the driveway, and they may be drunk." "...oh," Zoe said, "Okay." Zoe got up and pulled her jacket on, then headed outside. She spotted Allie leaning against her car, still smoking her cigarette. Allie tossed it on the ground and stomped it out as Zoe approached, her hands stuffed in her coat pockets. "What are you doing here?" Zoe asked, "It's really late." "I had the weirdest most fucked up night, man." "Yeah? Was that before or after you left us all at the zoo?" Zoe asked, clearly sounding pissed. "...okay, yeah, I deserve that, and I'm sorry, and I hope Effie understands I'm sorry too. I...I overheard Jenny talking to my ex on the phone, and I think between losing Domino and then that, I sort of...snapped. That...that doesn't excuse my abrupt exit, but I hope you understand now what happened, and how sorry I am." Zoe kicked a small pebble with her shoe and shrugged. "I guess, yeah, that's understandable." "Zoe...I believe in your skills, and you've been such a good friend to me, and I don't want to let anyone down anymore, especially someone who seems to actually believe in me as much as you do, so please, will you come with me to rehab meetings? I...I need to get clean, like, for good, and with the help of professionals. I can't keep doing this." Zoe smiled and nodded. "Yeah, yeah of course I will. You know I'd love to do that with you." Allie threw her arms around Zoe's shoulders and squeezed her tight, crying into her bushy hair. "I'm so sorry," she cried, "I'm so sorry I've been so bad to you." "It's okay," Zoe replied, "...uh, is that a cardboard cutout of yourself?" "Yeah, yes, that's another thing, can you hold onto that thing for me for a bit? It's freakin' me out," Allie said, reaching back in and tugging it out from the passengers seat out the drivers side door and shoving it into Zoe's arms, adding, "please, just...I need some time apart from it." "You two have an argument, or?" Zoe asked, smirking, making Allie laugh. "Zoe," she said, "You have no idea the kind of evening I have had." *** Sitting in the car, chewing on her nails, Allie couldn't help but feel nervous. She hadn't ever expected to actually go to rehab with the intent to truly fix herself. Everytime she'd gone before she'd done it to make Nick happy, not to actually get better. She'd just always assumed that this was how she was now, and that she couldn't get back to who she'd been before. "You okay?" Zoe asked, "You gonna be alright?" "I think I'll be fine," Allie said, "Thanks for coming with me." "That's what friends do," Zoe replied, smiling as she touched Allie's hand. The two got out of the parked car and headed into the building. It was a quiet building, used mostly for group meetings such as AA and other types of things, and the silence was welcoming to Allie, who was feeling extremely overwhelmed by the amount of sound the casino had daily. As they headed down a hall and approached the door on the slip of paper in Zoe's hand, Allie began to get nervous. She was ready, she knew she was, but she just needed another minute before taking this step. "I think I should use the restroom before we go in," she said, "I...I don't want to interrupt group by having to piss." "Okay. I'll go inside and hold your seat," Zoe said, letting Allie head further down the hallway until she found the bathroom. As she put her hand on the bathroom door leading into the womans room, she heard the man standing by the water fountain speak. "Haven't seen you in a while," he said, and Allie stopped cold. "Sunny?" she asked, turning to look at him. A handsome man; long blonde hair and in a hawaiian shirt and some tan slacks. He grinned at her as she pulled herself away from the door and approached him, her arms folded. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "Good place to find new clients," Sunny said, "what are you doing here?" "God that's sleazy," Allie whispered, "I'm....I'm here to get sober, honestly." "That's a shame. I always thought I could count on you," Sunny said, "You know you still owe me some money." "I know," Allie said, "I'm a little tied up right now, but my boss just gave me a partner and we'll be making more very soon, so I should have it for you any time." "I've already given you a while, but I suppose another week or so couldn't hurt, just try not to make it longer than that," Sunny said, running his hands through his hair, "...you got a partner in the show now?" "Yeah." "She need anything?" "No, and you stay the fuck away from her. She's a good, clean kid and she doesn't need to be dragged down with filth like us," Allie said, almost sneering at him. "Alright, cool your jets, it was just a question," Sunny said, checking his watch, "I have to run. I'll try and catch up with you in a week or so and we'll see if we can square up. And hey, if not, maybe I can get your partner interested and she can make it up for you with her own habit." He smiled, patted her on the face and headed down the hall. Allie stood there, fuming, as it began to dawn on her just how hard to might actually be to get out of this habit once and for all, especially if Sunny were involved. She groaned, then headed inside to pee. When she rejoined the group, she found Zoe sitting with her hand on the chair beside her, reserved for Allie. Allie smiled and took her seat by her friend, as the group was going around introducing themselves to one another. "You're a little late, but that's okay," the group head, a short haired man named Michael, said to Allie. "I had to use the bathroom." "That's fine, why don't you introduce yourself to everyone." Allie exhaled and looked around at this room full of alcoholics and drug users, realizing she was just the same as them, and that with their help, soon none of them would be those things anymore. This level of support was something she admired. She shut her eyes and nodded. "My name is Allie Meers, I'm a professional magician here in Vegas...and I really need to get sober." *** Lying in bed that night, staring at the cardboard cutout of Allie in her room, Zoe couldn't help but feel like she'd done something good. Something truly good. Something that nobody else, not even Nick, had been capable of doing, and that was getting Allie to really want to fix herself. The bedroom door opened and Thea stood there, eating from a bowl of cereal. "What's that?" she asked, mouth full of trix. "That's a cardboard cutout of my friend," Zoe said, "She wanted me to hang onto it for a while for her." "Creepy," Thea replied, "...everything okay?" "Yeah. She just needed some help...Thea, thanks for not making me go back to mom and dad, and letting me stay here with you," Zoe said, pulling her knees to her chest on the bed as she sat up and Thea smiled as she entered and seated herself on the bed. "You're my little sister," she said, setting her half finished bowl of cereal on the nightstand and ruffling Zoe's hair, "I'd do anything, within reason, for you, you know that. I think it's great that you're actually helping this lady, especially if it helps you further your own career." "I don't even know that I care so much about that anymore," Zoe said, "I mean, I do, I can't lie, but...she was my hero, and she's still my hero, and I hate seeing her destroy herself like this. If it could happen to her, it could happen to me, and maybe if I help her get sober, she'll help me stay clean." "That's a good way of looking at it, yeah," Thea said, rubbing Zoe's back. "It's more than a partnership, it's a friendship," Zoe said, "and I know there's a boundary, there's a line that can't be crossed because I can't let her take advantage of me, but...without her I don't know that I could do anything." "You're talented, don't ever tell yourself you can't do something," Thea said, "You don't need someone else. Remember that. She needs you way more than you need her." "...okay," Zoe mumbled, as she laid back down and rolled onto her side. Thea stood back up, scooped her bowl back from the table and headed out of the bedroom after saying goodnight, which Zoe didn't respond to. As she heard the door click shut, Zoe rolled back onto her back and sat up, propped by her elbows, looking at the cardboard cutout. Thea was wrong. They needed eachother equally. That's what friendship was.
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ABOUT
Allie Meers is what she dreamed of being since she was a little girl...a successful Vegas magician. The only problem now is she can't make all her problems disappear; Allie grapples with her strained relationship, crippling addictions and FBI agents on her tail, all while trying to stay at the top of her career. Archives
December 2023
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