Allie could feel the tile under her hands, the cool of the bathrooms air conditioner keeping her from overheating as its hum filled the room. She groaned and reached up, gripping the toilet and pulling herself up, sitting now against the side of the bathtub. She exhaled and rubbed her face, feeling sick to her stomach. How could she keep doing this to herself? She needed to stop, but she couldn't. Allie stumbled as she got up, and grabbed the bathrobe from the wall, pulling it over her underwear as she exited the bathroom and headed to the kitchen. Upon entrance, she heard a spoon stirring, and turned to see Zoe standing there, cooking.
"Jesus!" Allie shouted, tugging the robe tighter around herself, "What are you doing here?!" "I...you had me come over last night, remember?" Zoe asked, "You called and left me a voicemail." Zoe dug her phone from her pants and flipped it open, plugged in her passcode for her mailbox and played it, holding it up so Allie could listen. "I don't wanna be alone," Allie said on the machine, "and you're the only, like, person who can be around me, so you should probably do that. Please come over. I'm in the bathroom." Zoe shut her phone and put it back into her pocket, then continued cooking as Allie sat herself down at the counter and ran her hands over her face. She felt embarrassed, but was thankful she wasn't waking up to an empty penthouse again. Zoe put a mug of coffee down in front of Allie, and Allie smiled and thanked her as she gripped the handle and lifted it to her lips, sipping it. "What are you making?" she asked as she finished drinking. "I'm making scrambled eggs," Zoe said, "Because we have a job to do today." "We...we do?" Allie asked, "this is news to me." "Your cousin called," Zoe said, "It's her daughters birthday, and she wants you to come perform some tricks. I told her we'd be delighted to take that offer." "Oh god, not Megan, right?" Allie asked, and Zoe nodded, making Allie throw her head back, groaning louder, "ughhhhh, I can't stand her, she's so...perfect. She's everything my parents wish I were. Everything I probably could've been had that not happened." Zoe finished cooking and scooped some scrambled eggs and bacon onto a plate, sliding it in front of Allie and handing her a fork before going back to serve herself. "Well," Zoe said, stuffing some bacon in her mouth, "I'll be there, and I'll keep things on track. I'll make sure we do the job, don't get sucked into any familial drama and get out of there with nothing going wrong, okay?" Allie smiled a little, and began eating. As she chewed, she couldn't help but wonder why, other than hero worship, Zoe was working so hard to make things easy for her. Whatever the reason was, Allie was appreciative, even if she didn't outwardly show it, because lord knew lately she was having trouble keeping herself on task. Maybe this situation would work out after all, and maybe, in the end, things would get better for a change. The girls finished eating, and Allie went to find something for Allie to wear for their afternoon at a kids birthday. Zoe, sitting on the bed while Allie dug through her enormous walk in closet, couldn't help but feel self conscious as she played with the ends of her hair. After a moment, Allie came out with stacks of clothes over her arm, and tossed them onto the bed beside Zoe. "There's a lot here that I used to wear when I started out, and you look about my size, so something here should work. We'll get you your own outfit eventually, but for today, cause it's such short notice, you'll have to wear a hand me down," Allie said. "That's fine, I don't mind," Zoe replied, beginning to sift through what had been brought out. "I'll have to dip back into the stuff I learned as a kid in order to come up with anything that won't frighten them," Allie said as she shut the closet doors and lit up a cigarette, puffing on it, adding, "thankfully kids are easily impressed, so it shouldn't be too hard." "This one is pretty," Zoe said, pulling out a robins egg blue leotard with red trim, the whole thing shimmering in the light, and Allie nodded. "That was one of my favorite pieces," she said, "If that's what you like, feel free to wear it. I'll let you change." Allie exited the room to give Zoe some privacy. Zoe stood up from the bed and undressed, then pulled the outfit on and was surprised to see it fit her snug as can be. She walked to the body length mirror in the corner of the room and admired herself, smiling. She couldn't believe her luck. She was not only helping her hero, but she was also wearing one of her hero's favorite outfits from her own career. After she picked out a pair of knee high boots to go with her outfit, Zoe resurfaced in the living room to find Allie was also dressed in her usual magicians outfit. "Heyyy," Allie said, seeing her, "You look good! I see I was right, you're totally my size." "I took some of your boots," Zoe said, showing her legs off. "Eh, it's fine, I've got a million of them. Come on, let's get outta here," Allie said. With that, the girls exited the penthouse, and headed down through the casino to a rental car Zoe was able to procure from the casino, so they could show up in style. As Zoe drove, Allie continued smoking and blowing the smoke out the window, thinking about how long it had been since she'd actually seen her cousin, or her cousins daughter for that matter. After she'd become addicted to the painkillers, she'd been somewhat uninvited to most of the family get togethers that took place near her, for reasons she completely understood, even if she wasn't happy about. But today, she'd show them all. With Zoe's help, she'd show them that she wasn't the screw up they all thought she was. After all...how hard could it be to impress children, and the adults who acted like them? *** "I told you not to invite her," Megan said as she stuck candles into the princess cake, her husband Jeff, standing behind her, mixing up some fruit punch in a large glass bowl for the kids to enjoy. He sighed and turned around, facing her. "I thought it was the nice thing to do," he said, "She'd be working, so she would be out of circulation, and besides, Lane keeps asking me why she can't see her anymore, and I don't think it's fair to keep her apart from her family just because we might have a problem with them." Megan sighed and finished pushing in the last candle, looking up at Jeff; she said, "I guess, I guess that's fair. Our judgement of Allie is not her judgement of Allie. And who knows, maybe she's gotten better. I doubt it, but I suppose strangers things have happened." The glass sliding door leading to the backyard opened up, and Lane came in, wearing her princess outfit for the party. She looked at her parents, who smiled at her. "Is Allie coming?" Lane asked. "Her friend said they'd be here, sweetheart, so don't worry," Jeff said, reaching down and stroking his daughters hair. She lit up at this news, and raced back outside to tell all her friends. "Her friend?" Megan asked. "Some woman answered the phone, said she worked with Allie," Jeff said, standing back up and going back to fixing more snacks for the kids, "Said they'd be here as soon as possible." "Huh, maybe she finally got a sponsor," Megan said, making Jeff smirk. *** Zoe pulled up the house Allie instructed her to stop in front of, and parked. Zoe turned the car off and undid her seatbelt, then exhaled as she looked at the steering wheel. Allie put her cigarette out, spritzed herself with something to hide the stench of smoke, and then glanced at Zoe. "You okay?" she asked. "Nervous." "This isn't even an actual show, it's for children," Allie replied, "What's got you nervous?" "...okay, so, despite all the practice I've done and being a fan forever, I've never actually...performed in front of anyone," Zoe said, taking Allie by surprise. "You've got to be kidding" Allie thought to herself...Tony had given her an apprentice with no actual experience? Jesus, they were really starting from the ground up then. Allie had her work cut out for her. But, she figured, perhaps this was a blessing in disguise, because if she had to focus on helping Zoe get better at her craft, then she'd have less a chance to get fucked up, which could be good for her. Allie sighed and took one of Zoe's hands, patting it. "You'll be fine," she said, "I'll be right there, so just follow my lead, alright?" Zoe nodded, and the two of them got out of the car, heading up the walk to the house. As they approached, they saw a curtain in the front window flutter, and suddenly the front door swung open, and Jeff came out. "Hey Jeff," Allie said, throwing her arms around him, hugging tight, "It's so good to see you again." "Yeah, you too, you look good. Um, I'm gonna need you two to come in through the side door, so the girls don't see you and get overly excited. Lane has been asking when you'd arrive all morning," Jeff said, leading the girls through the side gate and to the side of the house. He opened the door and together the three of them slipped into the house. It looked exactly as it always had; perfect in every way. The sort of home you'd see in a magazine, the sort of home that was clearly kept after well by the perfect couple, and this made Allie feel inferior. Despite living in a penthouse suite, she didn't live in a home, and that made her feel homeless by extension. Sure, she lived in a Casino penthouse, but this space actually felt lived in, and that made a big difference. Jeff led the girls upstairs to his and Megan's bedroom, and shut the door behind them. "I'm glad to know Lake is excited to see me," Allie said, and Jeff smiled. "Yeah, she's really stoked. This your friend?" he asked, nodding at Zoe. "This is Zoe, yes, she's working with me now on my act," Allie said. "That's surprising, I can vividly recall you saying you'd always work alone," Jeff said, crossing his arms. "Well, I was young and foolish," Allie said, making him laugh. "Well," Jeff said, "Everyone is in the backyard, except for Megan who's in the kitchen, so just head down and out whenever you feel you're ready. There's snacks in the kitchen too, but they're more for the kids than adults, so Megan may chastise you for taking some." Allie nodded, and Jeff left the room. Zoe began pacing, tugging at her hair, clearly nervous. Allie began looking around the bedroom, trying to soak in all the newness of her cousins life and what had changed since they'd last seen one another. The bedroom was so well kept, not a single sock out of place, and this made Allie feel like even more of a mess than she already did. She finally noticed Zoe, and put her hands on Zoe's shoulders, turning her to face her. "Hey," Allie said, "it's okay, you're okay, I'm right here, everything is going to be fine, and if it isn't, they'll blame me, not you. I'm the one with the addictions and vices, you're just the assistant." Zoe nodded, and after a few moments of gathering themselves, she followed Allie downstairs. *** The first time Allie saw her cousin with her baby, it was at a show in a small venue in downtown Vegas. A small dingy little place called The Fishbowl, somewhere she frequented for ages before Tony discovered her, and still went back to now and then for old times sake. Jeff and Megan said they'd come, and come they did, baby in tow. After the show, Megan and Jeff decided to have a few drinks so Allie could drive them home. Allie had rarely been the designated driver, but she tried not to drink on nights she performed, at least before the show. Sitting there at a table in the corner, away from everyone else, holding this little child swaddled in blankets while Jeff and Megan got their buzz on, Allie couldn't help but feel like she had an audience who actually would be wow'd by her skills, and so, using her free arm, she did simple tricks with the metal rings, which - as predicted - easily excited little Lane. From that night on, Lane had an incredible appreciation for Allie's magic, and Allie, even at her lowest, always made sure to give Lane special gifts for her birthday. So to be there today, to perform for Lane's birthday...she knew this was important, and nothing, not even herself, would fuck it up. *** "How's your arm?" Megan asked, as the girls entered the kitchen. "...it's there, so," Allie replied, "that's gotta count for something, I guess." Megan chuckled and walked over to Allie, surprising her by giving her a hug, which Allie reciprocated. She hadn't seen Megan or Jeff in a year or two now, and now being welcomed into the home, treated like family yet again, she welcomed it. As the hug broke, Megan looked at Zoe. "Is this your friend?" she asked. "This is my friend Zoe, she's working with me on my act," Allie said, "She wants to do what I do, so I'm showing her the ropes, helping her get a leg up." "That's really cool," Megan said, reaching out to shake Zoe's hand, which Zoe happily let her do. Megan then picked up the tray of cupcakes and turned back to Zoe, asking, "Would you mind taking these out to my husband? He's in the backyard now." Zoe obliged, and exited the kitchen as Megan folded her arms and leaned against the counter, looking at Allie. "You look like shit," she said, "How's Nick?" "...Nick dumped me," Allie said, looking at the floor, "which, I mean, I guess I can't blame him, but it still hurts. Still, I understand his decision." "Took him long enough." "You're telling me." "Are you drinking?" "...kind of? I mean, I'm trying to taper off, cause my boss at Card Shark is giving me grief, but I am trying at least," Allie said. "And pills?" "Still taking them, still in immense pain," Allie said, "I don't think that's going to change anytime soon." The door slid open and Zoe came back in. Megan and Allie shut up upon her re-entrance, and Megan picked up the cake and began walking outside with it, leaving the girls alone. Zoe stood against the sink where Megan had leaned and looked at Allie. "Are you okay? Was she being mean to you?" Zoe asked, and Allie shook her head. "No, she was just...being Megan," Allie said, "We grew up together, we have a lot of history, so for her to see me do to myself what I've done...it hurts her. Sure, my predicament wasn't entirely my fault, I got attacked by a tiger, but...I haven't really been trying to make it better either. I guess I just sort of accepted at some point that if you're in show business, any kind of show business, then eventually you wind up hooked on stuff to cope." "...you know, that night it happened," Zoe said, "Tiger attack aside...that was the best magic show I've ever seen." Allie smiled and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. "C'mon kid, let's give these children what they want," she said, putting her arm around her partner and walking into the backyard with her. *** Actually, that history Allie had mentioned? It was much deeper than just growing up together. For the longest time, Allie and Megan had been a team. Neither one had any siblings, so they considered one another their sister, and as such, the girls had a bond that could not be broken, or so they thought. When Allie told Megan she was finally going to go for her dream, Megan wanted in, and for a while the two toured as a duo. The Astounding Allie and Magnificent Megan. When Megan met Jeff, it put a strain on the act, and Allie took it personally. She was happy for her cousin, certainly, but after that soured, she promised never to be part of a duo again. She never really wanted to in the first place, she had only bought into the idea because she and Megan had been so close growing up that it felt like the right thing to do, but once Megan left, that was when she decided to go solo forever. A few months after the split, Allie was discovered by Tony. And that night, sitting in the theater with her husband - their daughter being babysit at home - Megan couldn't help but feel guilty as she watched her cousin's arm being torn to shreds on that stage, her screams filling the auditorium as people fled in fear. Jeff tugged on Megan's arm, trying to get her to leave with him, but she refused to budge. This was her fault. She'd left Allie. She'd caused this. Allie never would've gotten this risky if Megan had still been around. Megan lived with that regret every single day, but she never told Allie this. Allie had enough problems as it was. *** Afterwards, sitting in the bar on the main floor of Card Shark, Allie and Zoe were eating bar food while the sounds of machines rang out behind them. The show had gone well, Jeff and Megan thanked them for their participation, and overall the day had been a success. Allie downed a small glass of bourbon and set the glass back on the table. "You know," she said, "I never really thanked you for being there this morning and making me breakfast. Or for making me do the show today. I suppose I should, right? That's, like, what friends do?" "You don't need to thank me," Zoe replied, popping another shrimp off the lip of the cocktail glass in her mouth, "I've got my own selfish motivations as you know. My career won't progress if you don't work, so. But yeah, you're welcome." Allie chuckled and took one of the shrimp for herself, dipping it in cocktail sauce before eating it. "She used to be my partner," Allie said, "She used to do magic with me, like you're doing now. But she found love, she wanted a family, she decided magic wasn't worth it. Decided I wasn't worth it, I guess. I can't really blame her, she seems much happier now, but..." "But?" "...but in some way, I kind of wish I could have what she has. She has a life, she has a family. What do I have? I have a penthouse suite in a casino. I have everything I wanted, except what I actually needed. That's the thing nobody tells you about success. It's hollow, it's empty-" "Plenty of people have said that, you're not being original by parroting it," Zoe said, interrupting. "-but," Allie continued, "you accept it, because at a certain point, you feel so selfish for being so famous, for taking the money of actually hard working people, that you figure you don't deserve anything better. So you stay in your penthouse suite and you order room service and you do your magic show and you get your arm nearly torn off by a tiger. At least that's what happened to me. Sure, now I have unlimited access to painkillers, but that only makes people judge me for that too. It's a never ending cycle. There's no facet of my personality not open to public degradation, even from those who don't know a single thing about me. So you wanna be a magician, or a musician, or a movie star or whatever? You want to achieve your dreams?" Zoe nodded, as Allie slid back from the bar and stood up, pulling her coat on. "...then you have to give up who you actually are. The dream is a nightmare. I'll see you for breakfast. We have practice tomorrow." Allie turned and headed towards the elevator, back up to the suite. As she stood there, waiting for it to arrive, she heard shoes walking beside her and stopping. She glanced to her side, to see Zoe standing there. "...I don't think it's a nightmare," Zoe said, "in a nightmare, you're usually alone. You're not alone." Allie smiled, and the door to the elevator opened. Both women stepped inside, and Allie pressed the button for the suite. "What do you think about French Toast?" Zoe asked. And the doors shut.
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ABOUT
Allie Meers is what she dreamed of being since she was a little girl...a successful Vegas magician. The only problem now is she can't make all her problems disappear; Allie grapples with her strained relationship, crippling addictions and FBI agents on her tail, all while trying to stay at the top of her career. Archives
December 2023
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